Five Five Things about Russia

I. What Was Unexpected

(1) That the exchange rate would be so favorable to a Canadian. (I should have known but I forgot.)

(2) That I would be OK with being without a personal bedroom. My space is communal space is workspace and I can deal.

(3) That this was not a weekend trip...

(4) That I would look forward to discipleship - especially with the specific girls I'm connected with. I made an executive decision in the initial stages that I would not doubt myself. The plan is to beg God to make me capable and then allow Him to flow. I feel strangely settled.

(5) That the vast majority of the people here would not contradict the stereotype. (In public they are very cold and have a tiny personal space bubble. The constant message is: "We don't want you here. Hurry up and go." Inside the home they are incredibly hospitable and generous. They love their sweets.)


II. What I Have Enjoyed

(1) The challenge of living in the living room.
(I accidentally co-coined the term "Couch Willie"...that's what I be.)

(2) The challenge of often being in a large group setting that is dominated by very loud, out-going and sometimes hyperactive people.

(3) Learning pieces of the language in a deliberate and meticulous fashion.
Truth be told, I do many things in a deliberate and meticulous fashion but it makes me happy to know I have mastered about 15 words and phrases ...in place of half-knowing 30. I'm OK with this but I hope to learn more soon.

(4) Finding consolation in God.
Finding that the cross is still still still powerful.
Finding joy in music.
Winning small battles against the old self.
Being completely drawn into the book of Ecclesiastes like I was drawn into the book Acts when I read it the first time five years ago.

(5) Cabbage and egg blini. MMM.


III. What Is An On-Going Challenge

(1) Identifying the old self.

(2) Committing to regularly striking up conversations with strangers on campus. (Oh, how I now not only take initiative evangelism in ENGLISH for granted no more but in FRENCH as well. Shut up - send me to Montreal. My French has never been so cohesive or confident.)

(3) Not coming up with reasons to go home.

(4) Knowing what I need and being convinced to pursue it.

(5) Being free enough with myself to happily and care-free-ly build relationships.


IV. Where the Tectonic Plates Have Been Shifting in My Life (As If I Needed More of That)

(1) On our way to London on Monday I (almost single-handedly) made our team miss the train. Long story short, this means we had to pay another £107.50 for each ticket to travel that day AND that we would arrive at our host homes 4.5 hours before we needed to be up again to hit Heathrow. This is bad. This is unacceptable and shows my true selfishness.
It took me several hours to find the courage (and humility) to apologize.
I went through such mental turmoil convincing and un-convincing myself of what I should do.
I almost cursed God for letting it happen.
I premonitioned it would happen the day before and all the day of.
The final straw was a line in a book I was reading. I was thankful for the segue (becaue it's hard to drudge up the past) and said, "You know it's bad when you get rebuked by a secular book."
Then I made a full apology. From one I heard the straightest most genuine, "thank you," I have ever heard from his mouth. From the other I heard a bit of North American verbal shrugging it off and then an, "I accept," with a playful but still sincere tone.

The things I learned about responsibility, selfishness, stewardship, respect, humility, apologies and character-shaping in that one day is just amazing. I largely hate that I had to go through it but Hebrews 12 keeps cropping up and telling me it's a blessing to be disciplined by a loving father. Painful at the time...but I whole-heartedly believe it's tru.

(2) While I wait (beg) for fantastic deposits, I overlook withdrawals but more important, I allow a friend of mine to drill holes in my Cup of Affirmation.
I consented to put an end to this,
despite,
despite,
despite. :(
It's been incredibly hard for me for reasons I can't notate right now.
I feel like I'm grieving because really, this is the end of an era and I really feel like I've lost a good friend or a shot at good friendship. I can't explain it.

(3) I have recently (almost) concluded that the major point (I don't have a better word) of this project, for me, is to do it as an act of the will.
I talked it out with a (lovely!) friend of mine the other day and I was both shocked and slightly tired out by the words that came out of my mouth.
She asked me if there was anything I was looking forward to on proj or anything I was enjoying. I said that, honestly, there was nothing. It's an incredible feat to do something like this when you have no drive for it, no joy in it and no silver linings in sight. YES, there are good moments; I'm OK with the food and shelter and I've enjoyed people. But it's hard.
It would be one thing to come straight from Canada but to go from being away to, "being supplanted again - for what? A cross??"
My mind had looked down a vast hole to see what is the root, root, root reason for me to do something like this. Why does my mouth say YES when EVERYTHING else in me, including common sense, is screaming NO?
I tried to explain how there is NOTHING from home, nothing familiar, nothing confident, nothing easy for me to hang onto. "Except that Rock that some people talk about."
I just can't believe I'm here and I have got nothing but You, Jesus.

(4) I am being forced to set boundaries that I don't want to set because they fly in the face of my toxic tendencies. My addictive comfort-food equivalents - that I think we all have (per)versions of - are being challenged and they are HARD to release. I want to go on but I'm going to choose to believe it's universal enough that no explanation is needed.

(5) In general I feel I have a diluted identity right now.
It's another reason I'm groping for the Rock. Psalm 40 has got my number. I want ...that life of faith...stability...general comfort and peace. I want to be able to stand still without being thrown about by waves and wind. I anticipate that season.


V. What I Look Forward To

(1) Being home in Canada and making a home in Guelph.

(2) Starting (back to) work with the music ministry at Crestwicke Baptist Church.

(3) Seeing my wonderful, wonderful friends again, especially the ones who have made me miss them more by talking to me while I've been away. Don't underestimate the value of being a mooring from afar.

(4) Being out of this season, triumphantly pumping my fist and saying, "YES, Jesus; YOU did all this."

(5) Rest.

[EST]

Five Surprizes of 9th May

Unfortunately, if list these in chronological order, I will end on a negative note but I guess that's OK.

1) I was woken at 8.22 am by a call from a dear friend in Nairobi, Kenya. Woo!
She had excellent timing and GOD TAKES CARE, is all I can say. WOW, what an excellent start to a day...to feel so loved. (38)

2) I read a wonderful email from a friend back home that had a piece of insight I've never heard about myself. She sounded Holy Spirit-ly convinced so I believed her. It was supremely encouraging. (39)

3) I read a Facebook message (...is that the first time I've used the word Facebook on the blog? that feels weird..) that said my moms got some kick-back from the courts which means my sibs and I get some kick-back from her. It's nice to have unexpected income. I feel this is also part of God taking care. (40)

4) I managed to make a breakfast/brunch like my Dad used to (he still could but doesn't) and after 45 minutes of cooking I walked out of the kitchen for something. When I came back, the smell was a distinct reminder of my childhood & teenage years which was VERY heart-warming. (41) Oh, yes.

5) For the first time since I can remember, I played Euchre out of obligation. Also, I didn't enjoy myself. :| What's that all about??? I'm scared. I hope this doesn't signify the end of an era. I think I disliked the game because of who I was playing with which is another story I wish I could get into but I really dislike the tale. Yeah. :(

[EST]

Five Decisions

1) I decided that the most hideous defense argument in existence is, "She was asking for it."

2) I decided that I am so fascinated by the art of quick-changing that I don't want to see the YouTube videos on how it's done. (Like REALLY never want to have the secret revealed to me.)

3) I decided that worried glances, exchanged, help nothing.

4) I decided to make a proper carving out of my income for accomodating/hosting/serving. Today I did it twice - one unintentionally and the other inadvertently - and though it stung the wallet a little I love the fruit. So, I will add it to my budget proppa style.

5) I decided that there are worse things to do than miss church because you are painfully tired and want to crawl into a bucket and Satan shouldn't be able to hold me down for it. Seriously. There are WORSE things.

...totes forgot about the list list. oops.
[EST]

hyena

I didn't get Gladiator (2000) until this time I'm watching it now. I think this is the third time I've seen it. I would have watched it way back at its release date and all the other times I could have watched it in the past ten years I declined for some weird reason. I now know it's the same reason I have a hard time with Star Wars and other action flicks like Bond, Bourne & Ethan Hunt.

Turns out that if you pay HARD CORE attention, things will make sense to you. Yes, that is what I discovered in chapter eleven of a thirteen-chapter book. That paying attention often leads you to understand things that are being presented. Yes.

Yes, I now see why Gladiatrix was so heralded. Until now I've thought it was one of those films that people said was awesome and raved about foreva-eva...but now I get it. One ofmy initial thoughts was that it's Shakespeare-ish...but now I'm thinking that Shakespeare wrote his stuff to be universal...so of course I could see it in another story.
Now I want Maximus' story to be like Joseph, son of Jacob. And I am reminded of The Mummy (1999), as well. Let's keep watching! (I'm excited.)

[EST]