In many ways, I feel as though my heart is full today, this week. I have seen many encouraging things in the lives of my brothers and sisters, some of whom I have known for a decade and some of whom I have never formally met.

God is doing things sometimes seems like a very silly phrase but it's true and maybe the simplicity represents awe. It's good that He is God and no one else is. He's the best at it.

Respect for privacy limits what I can say on a public blog but maybe that's for the best. Mulling it over now, I realise that the theme is people serving God in a new or novel way. Serving God in a way you have already served or have always served is obviously still valuable but I think the newness has struck me profoundly. He is still working. I forget. I forget, I forget, I forget.

And in a way I feel left in the dust. I feel seated among those standing or running. I feel cowardly.

On the other hand I have felt exhilarated because of some new opportunities this week in my most obvious niche: music.

On Monday and Tuesday, I was composing cello parts for Sunday's set. It's the first week in my almost-six years as Music Director that we've had two stringed instruments on the team at the same time. I realised that most wouldn't care if both violin and cello played the melody. I realised that some even on the music team wouldn't notice the difference. But, things like this are my gargoyles on the roof. Things like this delight me. Let's draw the most beauty out of these instruments in this context that we can.

On Wednesday the band (specially formed with a music set specially tailored) did exceptional work. They really did. Some have grown together over months and years, some are finding new confidence because of in-team comraderie, some are very new to us but eager and drown in welcome, and all desire to use their gift to magnify the Lord and try to lead His people to do the same. The Lord was there with us. He gave us more than a rehearsal. He gave us more than the sum of our parts. After the second song someone asked me cheekily, "Are you having trouble getting that smile off your face?" and only then did I realise I had been grinning nonstop for a while. Two songs in particular I am over-the-moon excited to share with the congregation. It will be beautifully done to point to our beautiful God. I'm so proud of those ladies.

On Thursday (that's tonight), I auditioned a viola player and ended up with far more goosebumps than I bargained for. He played well. He played so very well. The richness of that small wooden instrument, lovingly and carefully played, filled the large room with the life and joy that only music played to the Lord can bring. He astounded me. To say I am excited for what lies ahead (considering all the new changes in the music ministry) is a disturbing understatement. On the pieces where he played to my accompaniment and especially as he played a descant part over my melody, I struggled to not leap off my seat with delight and gladness. If you are not a musician/vocalist, you may not understand that feeling. Music is a great, great, great gift from God. It can only be from Him. I have no earthly explanation for the extent of its goodness. Playing worshipful music with others to the same God we all adore is a wonderful, blessed thing.

A few months ago we had no stringed instruments. Now there is a trio. They are different voices (figurative voices) from guitar and piano. I think I am excited because we can use those different voices to express and intimate different things about God. (If you were a baker, I could say it's like choosing different shaped nozzles for the icing. Or if you were into fashion, I could say it's like choosing different accent pieces: a cherry red clutch purse doesn't change an outfit the same way printed pumps would.)  It's as if praising God is desperate and urgent such that we just need to use anything we can find to do it. More instruments (figurative and literal) mean more praise. Let's do it.

new chapter / new season / new job / new lots of things

I had big ideas about blogging glimpses of each day this week to sort of chronicle the beginning of my new job. But... my spare time this week seemed like a wet bar of soap when I was clutching for it so here I am on Friday evening, trying to do a decent job of looking back.

This week I began my work as a [childcare provider/baby-sitter/Fran Drescher wannabe] for a sweet one-year-old daughter to friends of mine.

Monday:
  In some ways it was a complete blur because so much was new and the gravity of being fully responsible for a precious, vulnerable, small human was a bit overwhelming. In another way, it was dreadfully difficult because I hadn't slept well and had no coffee. But, the day was good and God's grace was [read: always is] great.

Magical moment:
  Upon our return from a coffee shop (where everything was new and colourful and bright and interesting and worth staring/pointing at and cooing about) after a 20-minute walk, the babe was asleep in the stroller. I tried to scoop her out as smoothly as possible and then keep her still and cosy long enough to be sure I could put her down still asleep. I sat on the couch with the floppy girl on my chest and when I finally dared sneak a peek I saw two huge eyes looking very alertly at me. And then there was a huge, silly grin. Like she knew she had played a trick on me.
  I plopped her down on the couch on her back to get the 23 layers of winter clothing off her and apparently that was also funny. The grin got worse. So I snapped a photo. It became the highlight of my day.

Tuesday:
  I come in to this day considerably more confident. I am very impressed to note that she seems to partially understand the getting-dressed process because she easily gives up one limb at a time knowing it will be given back momentarily and she can resume playing/investigating.
On this day we take our first ride on the city bus. When we're parked and locked I nod to the driver and he pulls away. (It's weird being given so much deference because you're pushing a stroller.) I reach into my pocket for a tissue and discover a tiny rubber duck I forgot I had grabbed while leaving the house. Instantly I have a "I've become that guy" moment. You see things in the pockets, purses, or cars of caregivers to children that you don't see with anyone else. I hand it over, and the duck easily makes a friend.

Magical moment:
  We visit a different coffee shop, one near to mom's work for easy pick-up, but one that also happens to be my favourite haunt in the whole city. She's happy in the stroller for longer than usual. (Usually if travel ceases and she's still strapped in, the disapproving wails begin promptly.) I'm able to take off my coat, etc. and get things prepped for her. She sits comfortably on my lap and I put on the table some of her snack, some toys, and my phone to play with. I hold her with my right hand and unstressedly monitor her activity. My left hand brings the coffee in periodically and I find myself staring out the window at the gorgeous snowfall. I add more snacks as she finishes the ones in front of her, I catch what she throws off the table as often as I can, I chat to her a bit, and then I have a profound moment where I realise I'm just here for her. I don't really have my own activities and the majority of how I'm using my body is for her support, help, protection, or nurturing. Our relationship has been building virtually since the day she was born (obviously it was one-sided for the most part) but I was really delighted in that intimate, trusting moment when we were so comfortable together and I was there for her.

Wednesday:
  This day brought unprecedented challenges. I learned that I had previously not actually realised the extent to which I would need to be sacrificial to do this job well. I expected it to not feel like sacrifice because I love her so. Turns out you can still feel it.

Magical moment:
  WHEN SHE FINALLY FELL ASLEEP.

Thursday:
  I reflect on the week and on our patterns more than I thought I would. I decide that I will plan our outings and social activities further in advance, partly because this means they will go more smoothly but more because I realise that she needs more than just me in a day. She should have other influences, other teachers, other interactions, other faces, other voices, other ticklers.
  I also discover on this day (with amazement) that she is starting to understand what I mean when I say, "no," and something inedible is about to go into her mouth. I've said it multiple times every day this week, and pulled her hand/the item away at the same time. But Thursday when I said it she stopped and put it down before I could even get to her. Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe she's a genius.
  On this day I also inaugurate Dance Party. I wonder if it will become a Thursday special. I threw the radio on and since it was an Adele song I knew, I belted the words and cut a rug while looking invitingly into her face. At first she just watched, kind of perplexed, but with a twinkle in her eye. Then a smile broke in and she joined me in dance. (Well... "dance".)

Magical moment:
  I had in no way planned this but every single day this week (including dastardly Wednesday) we have had what I am now going to call "couch time". It typically follows a nap, when she is least active and very OK with being held/cuddled. Somehow I end up lying so that my lower half makes a barrier to the front of the couch and she plays within that little pen for a good amount of time. What makes it special, I guess, is that there aren't any toys on the couch... it's just me and the couch. So we're physically very close, I talk to her a lot, she tries to yank my earrings out, she chews on the drawstring of my sweater, she climbs on me... it's fun.

Friday:

Little Stinker

  In this job I work Monday to Thursday so today I was at home in the morning and at my other job in the afternoon. Around 2.30 I found myself thinking, "I wonder what she is doing today." I didn't expect that. It seems that I miss the little stinker, which makes me quite happy. Monday is going to be great.

Choices

  Now there have been many of those priests, since death prevented them from continuing in office; but because Jesus lives forever, he has a permanent priesthood. Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.
  Such a high priest truly meets our need--one who is holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, exalted above the heavens. Unlike the other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices day after day, first for his own sins, and then for the sins of the people. He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself. For the law appoints as high priests men in all their weakness; but the oath, which came after the law, appointed the Son, who has been made perfect forever.

(Hebrews 7:23-28)

Today has been a weird one. It's like a pseudo-Saturday after another pseudo-Saturday except this one is actually a Saturday. Holiday weeks can really mess with a person's grasp of the calendar.

A few days ago I said to a friend that I was at the point where I was willing to pay money to see the sun. It's just been so grey and after this many days I guess it has started to weigh on me. Whether it's all metaphorical or literal or a mix, I don't know.

This afternoon felt particularly low, and unpleasant thoughts and images kept pulling my brain off the pages of the Bible. With the Spirit, I fought and persevered and managed to find these beauties in the above passage:

  -he is able to save completely
  -he always lives to intercede for those who come to God through him
  -as high priest he truly meets our need

In God's grace it transported my thoughts to a better place. I wondered for the umpteenth time how this gospel can possibly be true. It's staggering. This passage always reminds me of a particular song so this afternoon I put it on and sang Hebrews 7 back to God and it was good. You're welcome to join in.

Before the Throne of God Above

Charitie Lees Bancroft and Vikki Cook (c) 1997 Sovereign Grace Worship

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:

[Christ Himself is our plea before God]

A great high priest whose name is Love,
who ever lives and pleads for me.

[our high priest mediates between

sinner and perfect King so that

the sinner can come before the throne]

My name is graven on His hands,
my name is written on His heart;

[we are truly known and

we were earnestly desired/sought/won]

I know that while in Heaven He stands,
no tongue can bid me thence depart,
no tongue can bid me thence depart.

[as long as Jesus stands on our behalf,

no one can eject us from God's presence]

When Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of my guilt within,
upward I look and see Him there
who made an end of all my sin.

[our righteousness is as sure

as His--and none can remove it]

Because the sinless Saviour died,
my sinful soul is counted free
for God the Just is satisfied
to look on Him and pardon me,
to look on Him and pardon me.

[it is finished!]

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb,
my perfect, spotless righteousness,

[He is our righteousness. He has

made us permanently, perfectly clean.]

the Great Unchangeable I Am,
the King of Glory and of Grace.

One with Himself I cannot die,

[one with Himself we cannot die!!]

my soul is purchased by His blood;
my life is hid with Christ on high,

[we are inextricable]

with Christ my Saviour and my God,
with Christ my Saviour and my God.

[He is ours and we are His. He is

our God and we are His people.]