Yesterday my housemate and I were walking down the sidewalk all leisurely like so that she could go back to work and I could go run some errands.
Next to her work is a decent size patch of grass with shrubbery, trees and all manner of maintainables. There was a dude there, probably between 19 and 21 years old, doing his job. He was on a big mother mower... he was wearing sunglasses, NOT a shirt and a pair of shorts. But, because I first saw him dead on and the engine sort of came up just above his waist, he may as well have not been wearing anything at all.
It took me about a second and a half to decide that I liked what I saw so I stopped mid-sentence and announced, "I need to NOT look at that right now... so I'm gonna walk like this," and I turned my back to him and continued walking backwardsly, facing my friend. She glaced at him and kinda laughed.
Strange side note -- later that day (a rudely high temperature-d day with brutal humidity) I was passing a public fountain and I found myself staring into the16 inches of cool and clear bluish green. Ahh...you can hear it splashing and you know it's crisp..some mother is dangling her son's feet in it, a thin man just scooped in to rinse his hands, someone else dipped in a napkin and applied it promptly to their face. If we didn't know better, if we couldn't see the pennies and garbage floating around, we might stick our faces right in or take a drink. I know better ..I also happen to know that I love swimming more than most people realize.
That being said, as I walked past the lapping, ever-flowing, I stared right into it with such longing. Not 'longing' but looooonging. It's like my brain was saying, "I wannit I wannit I wannit I wannit I wannit I wannit," in such an even, controlled way that I was mesmerized. It wasn't a, "Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I?" kind of moment, no. I was quite certain that I shouldn't have it but STILL: I wannit I wannit I wannit. I find myself very zoned out and dream worldy when I combine 'wannit' with 'can't have' or 'shouldn't have'. Enter the New Understanding of the Definition of Lust.
Yikes.
I was almost walking in slow motion past the fountain, just staring like I was high - yearning and longing - finding a desperate pull, fighting myself in every moment.
Now it's not always this INTENSE but the way I felt in my water-lust moment is the same way I felt in those aforementioned 1.5 seconds. I looked at that guy and was like, "I wannit I wannit I wannit I wannit," but I didn't say anything, I didn't move, I didn't express anything with my eyes.. It was just a quick and violent internal battle ...there was a definite pull toward something forbidden. Hey....at least I know I shouldn't have it.
--End side note.
The guy actually flustered me which is surprizing because I literally only looked for less than two seconds. (On the other hand, I think I've become quite adept in recent years at drinking in visual images rather quickly. Yes, I drew a hasty conclusion.) He flustered me enough that, when our other conversation was done, I wanted to inform my housemate of the situation...hoping for something like integrity (or at least a move toward it). I explained how I "don't really care" (that never comes out right) but that I know I'm supposed to. I know that other people whom I respect say it's wrong, I know that looking more than once is deliberate, I know that I might not appreciate having such a look turned back on me but still. In the moment, conviction doesn't find me very easily. It's a social awareness at best.
I sort of blurted, "I need you to keep me on top of that," as I pointed behind myself. I should have continued talking cuz I might have gotten away with it but when I heard what had come out of my mouth, I fumbled, "No wait I mean..." and then I half flushed and laughed nervously. My housemate swoops in: "You mean keep you off of that?" and I wordlessly confirm.
I think if the water hadn't looked so inviting, and had the weather not been so sweltering, I would have just made a joke out of it; I would have said, "Nahhh I wouldn't mind being on top of that," and then maybe throw in some knowing eyebrow raises or cougar-ish wink. hahaah Is two to four years enough to make me a cougar? I hope so/not. (I don't know if I hope that...but in the meantime it's pretty funny.)
Of course now, with my new revelations, I'm thinking of the phrase, "like a tall drink of water," quite differently. That phrase always seems to come out of the mouth of a Southern woman wearing a small floral print shirt or light cottony dress when she's talking about a young buck who chops wood when the sun's beating its hardest. Yes...we sure do drink with our eyes, don't we? That's why it's never a glance - it's a look. It's a deliberate, "Hang on a second / just stay there / let me make sure I'm getting all this." Mmm doesn't it sound gross when I write it like that?
Saturday, 28 June 2008
Saturday, 21 June 2008
full week!
As if I haven't posted in seven days...
My favorite little treat of this morning was finding three full pages of color comics in the recycling at work. You better believe I snagged it and read it on my mini-breaks (there were many). I enjoyed it. I love comic strips. I used to read them every Saturday when my moms got the Toronto Star delivered. Yep. She definitely used to sit on the floor in the living room (or maybe at the kitchen table) and make her way through the whole paper with a cup of coffee.
I enjoyed watching the pilot episode of House M.D. on Wednesday evening.
When I first heard about House I dismissed it under the same umbrella as Lost, 24, Desperate Housewives...even The Office. Somehow I have an aversion to popular shows...when they're actually on the air. Then when I watched half of an episode (turns out it was ..late in Season 2) a while ago I was distrubed when I heard Hugh Laurie faking an American accent. The whole time he was speaking I was like, "What is this? What is this? This is outrageous!" ... so I boycotted.
Then I watched a full episode by accident in mid-April (it was a lazy weeknight with two friends and the TV just rolled into that show after another and I didn't mind) and was compelled by the drama and interested by the medical details. (Oh, I'm a sucker, apparently.)
Then I started watching it on purpose, a little while ago and I think I like it. The accent has stopped bothering me (which is sad, in a way) and the problem-solving aspect of the show entertains me greatly. I suppose this would essplain why House, Numb3rs and CSI: NY as a threesome every weeknight is such a hit with me. What a great line-up.
Anyways, now that I've seen two dozen eps, watching the pilot was very interesting. It's really cool to evaluate a first episode with half of the second season under your belt. What I did not appreciate was that some of the jokes were overt and had to play cheaply to a predictable audience. I suppose I understand why this was....I get that you can't always jump right into something new and expect your audience to jump on board right away. I suppose they had a good balance of familiar and innovative.
What I did appreciate was how Dr. House ended up telling each of this three minions why he hired them. I especially liked what he shared with Dr. Cameron, that he chose her because she was "extremely pretty". (Outrage!) She began defending herself, citing her dang impressive credentials and, in a gradual way, House acknowlegded and agreed with them all.
"People choose the paths that get them the greatest amount of rewards for the smallest amount of effort. That's the law of nature. You defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model; you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff -- lots of stuff...but you didn't. (You) worked your stunning little ass off."
I want to say that there was a better way he could have expressed himself but... perhaps getting her ire up by starting with a seemingly rude comment was a great way to make sure she would listen or take him seriously. Hmmm... He never disagreed with her or said something bad about her. He said she was pretty....and that she was qualified...It just started off a little harshly. I enjoyed the moment.
end of post.
My favorite little treat of this morning was finding three full pages of color comics in the recycling at work. You better believe I snagged it and read it on my mini-breaks (there were many). I enjoyed it. I love comic strips. I used to read them every Saturday when my moms got the Toronto Star delivered. Yep. She definitely used to sit on the floor in the living room (or maybe at the kitchen table) and make her way through the whole paper with a cup of coffee.
I enjoyed watching the pilot episode of House M.D. on Wednesday evening.
When I first heard about House I dismissed it under the same umbrella as Lost, 24, Desperate Housewives...even The Office. Somehow I have an aversion to popular shows...when they're actually on the air. Then when I watched half of an episode (turns out it was ..late in Season 2) a while ago I was distrubed when I heard Hugh Laurie faking an American accent. The whole time he was speaking I was like, "What is this? What is this? This is outrageous!" ... so I boycotted.
Then I watched a full episode by accident in mid-April (it was a lazy weeknight with two friends and the TV just rolled into that show after another and I didn't mind) and was compelled by the drama and interested by the medical details. (Oh, I'm a sucker, apparently.)
Then I started watching it on purpose, a little while ago and I think I like it. The accent has stopped bothering me (which is sad, in a way) and the problem-solving aspect of the show entertains me greatly. I suppose this would essplain why House, Numb3rs and CSI: NY as a threesome every weeknight is such a hit with me. What a great line-up.
Anyways, now that I've seen two dozen eps, watching the pilot was very interesting. It's really cool to evaluate a first episode with half of the second season under your belt. What I did not appreciate was that some of the jokes were overt and had to play cheaply to a predictable audience. I suppose I understand why this was....I get that you can't always jump right into something new and expect your audience to jump on board right away. I suppose they had a good balance of familiar and innovative.
What I did appreciate was how Dr. House ended up telling each of this three minions why he hired them. I especially liked what he shared with Dr. Cameron, that he chose her because she was "extremely pretty". (Outrage!) She began defending herself, citing her dang impressive credentials and, in a gradual way, House acknowlegded and agreed with them all.
"People choose the paths that get them the greatest amount of rewards for the smallest amount of effort. That's the law of nature. You defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model; you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff -- lots of stuff...but you didn't. (You) worked your stunning little ass off."
I want to say that there was a better way he could have expressed himself but... perhaps getting her ire up by starting with a seemingly rude comment was a great way to make sure she would listen or take him seriously. Hmmm... He never disagreed with her or said something bad about her. He said she was pretty....and that she was qualified...It just started off a little harshly. I enjoyed the moment.
end of post.
Saturday, 14 June 2008
Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
Wow.
I picked it out because I know this film's in the canon and I haven't seen any of Pacino's early stuff. (I want to appreciate him.)
What struck me first about this film was that there's no background music. I wonder when we started doing that in our mainstream films. I understand why we do it but I think it works wonderfully to have moments of silence in this particular film.
I had no idea what the film was about until I grabbed teh DVD, and the words on the front made me think it would be dece. I thought it would be pretty predictable but I happen to enjoy this kind of film so I didn't mind too much.
Hmmm at the closing credits they said, "Based on a magazine article." That sounds nuts to me. Well...it sounds like the article couldn't have been that long and makes me wonder how much embellishment or extrapolation took place. Then again, maybe the BULK of the story came from a magazine and supplemental info came from the news, police reports, etc.
Al Pacino; I'm not sure what to say about him just yet. I'll have to find another one to watch, maybe Scent of a Woman (1992) since that's what he won an Oscar for. That guy's been nominated all over the place.
Great nugget of information discovered in my Internet Movie Database perusal? One of the supporting actors in this film, Chris Sarandon, did the voice of Jack Skellington from A Nightmare before Christmas (1993)! Huzzah! I couldn't really picture it...his accent and tone threw me off and when I tried to get a reference sample to compare to, all I had was Skellington singing in my head..which I know was done by Danny Elfman, not Sarandon.
I don't want to spoil this film...I think people should watch it with out any outside information...But when the film twisted in such a way that made me say, "OOOOHHHHhhhh. THAT'S what they're talking about." Until that point, I had been convinced that would be one of those acclaimed films that I just didn't get...or simply didn't like. But then I realized what made it such an excellent film. It's good. It really made me think...but not about anything deep. I was thinking about people. (Few films make me do this, and I have watched films that have this effect on other people. I ...yeah, I think I don't like following this train of thought because it seems to obvious when filmmakers are trying to get you into it.)
Hmm. I don't feel like I can say much more without giving too much away. I guess the mainest note I have is that I enjoy when films surprize me - not a Fight Club (1998) or The Sixth Sense (1999) kind of surprize but - when I think it's going in one direction for like an hour and then it takes a huge turn --not that it's a cheap jump-the-shark tactic to suddenly redeem the thing, no. It's a moment where you realize that the film hitherto has been building to this point. The foundation was set creatively, deliberately, meticulously and it works. I think I saw the same thing with Two for the Money (2005) ...which also had Al Pacino in it..crazy. What was great about Dog Day Afternoon was that the changed happened so subtley. It walked in confidently and didn't make a fuss. But you know it's something monumental. It was cool. I like...I enjoyed the part where Sonny (main character) was dictating a letter. Fascinating.
Last thing: I enjoyed how this was a canon film but I didn't recognize any references or see any copycat-age. It's cool. I feel like the thing was isolated. Some kind of vertical column. I enjoyed it.
I picked it out because I know this film's in the canon and I haven't seen any of Pacino's early stuff. (I want to appreciate him.)
What struck me first about this film was that there's no background music. I wonder when we started doing that in our mainstream films. I understand why we do it but I think it works wonderfully to have moments of silence in this particular film.
I had no idea what the film was about until I grabbed teh DVD, and the words on the front made me think it would be dece. I thought it would be pretty predictable but I happen to enjoy this kind of film so I didn't mind too much.
Hmmm at the closing credits they said, "Based on a magazine article." That sounds nuts to me. Well...it sounds like the article couldn't have been that long and makes me wonder how much embellishment or extrapolation took place. Then again, maybe the BULK of the story came from a magazine and supplemental info came from the news, police reports, etc.
Al Pacino; I'm not sure what to say about him just yet. I'll have to find another one to watch, maybe Scent of a Woman (1992) since that's what he won an Oscar for. That guy's been nominated all over the place.
Great nugget of information discovered in my Internet Movie Database perusal? One of the supporting actors in this film, Chris Sarandon, did the voice of Jack Skellington from A Nightmare before Christmas (1993)! Huzzah! I couldn't really picture it...his accent and tone threw me off and when I tried to get a reference sample to compare to, all I had was Skellington singing in my head..which I know was done by Danny Elfman, not Sarandon.
I don't want to spoil this film...I think people should watch it with out any outside information...But when the film twisted in such a way that made me say, "OOOOHHHHhhhh. THAT'S what they're talking about." Until that point, I had been convinced that would be one of those acclaimed films that I just didn't get...or simply didn't like. But then I realized what made it such an excellent film. It's good. It really made me think...but not about anything deep. I was thinking about people. (Few films make me do this, and I have watched films that have this effect on other people. I ...yeah, I think I don't like following this train of thought because it seems to obvious when filmmakers are trying to get you into it.)
Hmm. I don't feel like I can say much more without giving too much away. I guess the mainest note I have is that I enjoy when films surprize me - not a Fight Club (1998) or The Sixth Sense (1999) kind of surprize but - when I think it's going in one direction for like an hour and then it takes a huge turn --not that it's a cheap jump-the-shark tactic to suddenly redeem the thing, no. It's a moment where you realize that the film hitherto has been building to this point. The foundation was set creatively, deliberately, meticulously and it works. I think I saw the same thing with Two for the Money (2005) ...which also had Al Pacino in it..crazy. What was great about Dog Day Afternoon was that the changed happened so subtley. It walked in confidently and didn't make a fuss. But you know it's something monumental. It was cool. I like...I enjoyed the part where Sonny (main character) was dictating a letter. Fascinating.
Last thing: I enjoyed how this was a canon film but I didn't recognize any references or see any copycat-age. It's cool. I feel like the thing was isolated. Some kind of vertical column. I enjoyed it.
Lt. Wm. Snyder
This morning I woke up at 6.46 am and I had a brief argument with myself. I tried to blame God for letting me sleep so late...and then I chastized myself for blaming Him. I'm not sure what the conclusion was but ...here we are.
Less than ten minutes later I'm doing a quick email check and spy my housemate & friend out in the driveway. Seconds later they spy me. "Is that Farq??" I turn and wave. (I'm not in a friendly mood so that's it.)
"What are you doing up at this ungodly hour?" someone asks.
With a tone, I said, "I gotta go to work, yo." (I wonder if I sounded like my mother in that moment.)
"What?"
More tone, irritated, "I gotta go to work, yo."
"You gotta do work? Wow."
She knew that last night I was talking about school work I needed to get on...She also would have seen me crash early last night. (Terrible!) So, sitting at the tabe in the living room she prolly thought I had gotten up early to do some school work.
And in that moment I had something like an epiphany -- a paradigm shift. I explicitly saw a new possibility. It's almost like having a lightbulb go off but it's not like this was an original idea. I know people do this, I know that it makes sense...I just never thought of ME doing it. I never thought about....getting up early on a Saturday when I didn't "have to"...and doing work that was important but not urgent.
Odd.
Hmm. I wonder if the people who do things like this would say that they "have to". Responsible enough, they prolly would. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning but, since I've made the executive decision to go to bed later than will afford me a full night's sleep, I think I'm OK with everything. I feel pretty settled.
Less than ten minutes later I'm doing a quick email check and spy my housemate & friend out in the driveway. Seconds later they spy me. "Is that Farq??" I turn and wave. (I'm not in a friendly mood so that's it.)
"What are you doing up at this ungodly hour?" someone asks.
With a tone, I said, "I gotta go to work, yo." (I wonder if I sounded like my mother in that moment.)
"What?"
More tone, irritated, "I gotta go to work, yo."
"You gotta do work? Wow."
She knew that last night I was talking about school work I needed to get on...She also would have seen me crash early last night. (Terrible!) So, sitting at the tabe in the living room she prolly thought I had gotten up early to do some school work.
And in that moment I had something like an epiphany -- a paradigm shift. I explicitly saw a new possibility. It's almost like having a lightbulb go off but it's not like this was an original idea. I know people do this, I know that it makes sense...I just never thought of ME doing it. I never thought about....getting up early on a Saturday when I didn't "have to"...and doing work that was important but not urgent.
Odd.
Hmm. I wonder if the people who do things like this would say that they "have to". Responsible enough, they prolly would. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow morning but, since I've made the executive decision to go to bed later than will afford me a full night's sleep, I think I'm OK with everything. I feel pretty settled.
Sunday, 8 June 2008
shortfall of 13 g/L
the receptionist at the Guelph Canadian Blood Services office was excited about my trip to Scotland
when I chirped, "I'm gonna be a missionary," as an answer to the WHY, she wasn't fazed at all. she did take a second to think of how it seemed like an uncommon mission field... but she was still OK with it.
I enjoyed her enthusiasm. I toyed with the idea of asking if she watned to join my team...it sounded odd. but when I left I handed her a note with my email address saying that I would love to send her updates if she wnted them.
I contemplated asking for her email address but I didn't want to put her on the spot that much, in case her enthusiasm was like that bed-and-breakfast woman in Groundhog Day (1993) who asked a weatherman about the weather. (He gave a detailed run-down and she stared blankly.) I handed her the paper, she said, "Oh great, Great, GREAT," getting progressively more pleased as she realized what she was looking at.
WOW. I tried so many times to put that piece of paper away and just walk out like a normal person. But I thought I should go for broke. (What's the worst that could happen?) It feels good to be bold sometimes.
when I chirped, "I'm gonna be a missionary," as an answer to the WHY, she wasn't fazed at all. she did take a second to think of how it seemed like an uncommon mission field... but she was still OK with it.
I enjoyed her enthusiasm. I toyed with the idea of asking if she watned to join my team...it sounded odd. but when I left I handed her a note with my email address saying that I would love to send her updates if she wnted them.
I contemplated asking for her email address but I didn't want to put her on the spot that much, in case her enthusiasm was like that bed-and-breakfast woman in Groundhog Day (1993) who asked a weatherman about the weather. (He gave a detailed run-down and she stared blankly.) I handed her the paper, she said, "Oh great, Great, GREAT," getting progressively more pleased as she realized what she was looking at.
WOW. I tried so many times to put that piece of paper away and just walk out like a normal person. But I thought I should go for broke. (What's the worst that could happen?) It feels good to be bold sometimes.
Thursday, 5 June 2008
editor's note
In re-reading that last post to edit, I was reminded of the song Mighty to Save which I have been singing altogether too much in the past month or so, as I've been teaching it to a few other peeps. It was the "I get to be indirectly involved" line that instantly made me think (and start singing), Ev'ry one needs compassion, a love that's never failing...
I kept singing and I heard the whole song afresh which is such a gift. (22) It occurs to me that I may have never really listened to the chanson but been distracted by the shape of the melody instead. Here it is, in an awesome context:
Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save,
Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures;
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singin for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus.
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singin for the glory of Risen King.
I guess I could say that before I was interpreting this song as something about ME and God...God and I. But instead now I see it as asking Him to make me see how other people need Him. It's not the compassion of God for men that the first line speaks of, it's our compassion for our neighbor.
Let mercy fall on me - mercy that I am so uncompassionate and inwardly focused.
The hope of nations - my goodness, it's salvation for ALL, not for one!
He can move the mountains - I heard that newly, too. I mean...for US it is futile but for Him it is no hard work at all and it's a delight to boot. He can move the mountains. He can break sexual slavery.
I give my life to follow ...This is a cause worth giving forfeiting one's own life for
Everything I believe in...I consider it all rubbish, compared
Now I surrender...However You would have me do it - however - I will obey.
I dunno really where the composers were going with what they wrote but I like having my mind opened in this way, "correct" interpretation or not.
Reuben Morgan. "Mighty to Save." Album. Hillsongs, 2006.
I kept singing and I heard the whole song afresh which is such a gift. (22) It occurs to me that I may have never really listened to the chanson but been distracted by the shape of the melody instead. Here it is, in an awesome context:
Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save,
Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures;
Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singin for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus.
Shine Your light and let the whole world see
We're singin for the glory of Risen King.
I guess I could say that before I was interpreting this song as something about ME and God...God and I. But instead now I see it as asking Him to make me see how other people need Him. It's not the compassion of God for men that the first line speaks of, it's our compassion for our neighbor.
Let mercy fall on me - mercy that I am so uncompassionate and inwardly focused.
The hope of nations - my goodness, it's salvation for ALL, not for one!
He can move the mountains - I heard that newly, too. I mean...for US it is futile but for Him it is no hard work at all and it's a delight to boot. He can move the mountains. He can break sexual slavery.
I give my life to follow ...This is a cause worth giving forfeiting one's own life for
Everything I believe in...I consider it all rubbish, compared
Now I surrender...However You would have me do it - however - I will obey.
I dunno really where the composers were going with what they wrote but I like having my mind opened in this way, "correct" interpretation or not.
Reuben Morgan. "Mighty to Save." Album. Hillsongs, 2006.
what are you, some kinda polynomial?
This "weekend" is the weekend I decided to pay more for high quality bagels.
My T.O. visit from Tuesday night to Thursday aft feels like a weekend because that's usually the only time I make out-of-town trips.
The bag o' bagles on top of my moms' fridge are more soft to the touch than I realized any bagel could ever be. EVEN IF she'd just bought them yesterday (which I don't think she did) they feel amazingly softerriffic and I love it. They taste awesome and they're flaxy which, I've heard, is good for you.
Therefore, I have decided: no more no name/cheapo bagels. It just aint be worth it. Well...it's money-money worth it but some things are more important than le money.
I have an unlined cue card stuck in my Bible that I wrote on during some large-hall presentation...I believe it was the Does God Exist? debate at the good ol' U of G but that's hardly the point. At least I can say I was thinking about spiritualish stuff.
The card reads as follows:
"I sit in the WMEM lecture and realize that the world is dark and the battle is long.
Then I think of Nate* and I must wonder about the grand balance (or distribution) of things, of pleasant and unpleasant moments. I must conclude that God allows us joy to keep morale up. How else could we traverse such a morbid, discouraging place?
As robots, we should persist in combatting [Godlessness] because we're running out of time... and yet God allows us to experience good, laughter, smiles that we would get it. That we would remember what He's like."
*if this is the Nate I think it is, I probably mentioned him because he was at the time or had just come back from a dirty hard-soiled place --and he loves it. That kid amazes me but I'll stop there.
I sound a bit dramatic in that note...and I'm not sure why. I think at the time I thought I was seeing things clearly...I thought I was standing in mud looking at a bleak sky, corpses scattered - something like that. To be honest, I don't think it's such a bad thing to look despair in the face every now and then.
I had a really cold hard look at it last night as my mother and I talked about pedophilia and stuff attached to that. The conversation had started with her explaining to me what "cruising" is (not the driving-downtown-with-your-friends kind of cruising...nope) and from there, we talked about the idea of sexual addiction, "sexual tourism" and general sexual perversion. I don't um... I don't remember being so silently horrified in a very long time. I uh.... yeah. It's not that she had specific stories or was trying to upset me --or even wanted to perpetuate the topic. I guess it just hit me, the reality that some people don't have the sense that children are not sexual objects. I can't...I just can't process how you..think like that and, you know, I would wager that most pedophilic people have a serious mental issue. This isn't...normal, not by any stretch.
There was a moment - I dont' remember specifically what she said, but it must have been about something I've never thought about - where I just kinda stared in the other direction with the strangest look on my face. Maybe that was me having the color drained out of my face. Yes, I think that was it. Horriffic.
Of course the next thought is, "How can I stop this?" It feels so dang futile sometimes, you know? And I hate the triteness of saying, "Jesus can fix it!" or "Only Jesus!" On the other hand, I KNOW it's only Him. But I also know it's not that simple. It's not a Care Bear countdown where believers can just shoot their Jesus rays from an emblem on their chest..kapow! It's not....it's not like that. But I don't despair. I guess I can say that, you know, rallying against this kind of thing specifically and directly is not my life's calling BUT it does make me feel even more compelled to go where I am called to. In a really general way, we're all on the same team. More specifially, the more Godliness this planet is infused with, the better, n'est-ce pas? Someone's gotta stop opening porn shops, someone's gotta stop selling kids into prostitution, someone has to stop turning a blind eye, etc. etc. It's a huge and corrupt, rampant machine, this sexual wrongness that exists in our world and something as specific as the sexual abuse of children still affects me where I am. This is...good. The effect, that is. I get to be indirectly involved and I'm OK with that.
On another cue card next to the first in my Bibs, I wrote down something the speaker said which probably was a catalyst for the other ruminations. He said, "Is what goes on in the world really that unusual?" Now, unusual as considered deviant from God's standard, YES, it is unusual. But unusual in the sense that we should be surprized that people beat their wives or steal cars or defraud, or whatever, NO. No, we know exactly how disgusting a people we are; we just get shocked sometimes when we watch the news or we REALLY think about things. We humans are pretty dang good at disengaging so we can get by.
And then there are those of us whose very realities exist in the darkest of dark corners...they know what's unusual. Me, I know nothing.
My T.O. visit from Tuesday night to Thursday aft feels like a weekend because that's usually the only time I make out-of-town trips.
The bag o' bagles on top of my moms' fridge are more soft to the touch than I realized any bagel could ever be. EVEN IF she'd just bought them yesterday (which I don't think she did) they feel amazingly softerriffic and I love it. They taste awesome and they're flaxy which, I've heard, is good for you.
Therefore, I have decided: no more no name/cheapo bagels. It just aint be worth it. Well...it's money-money worth it but some things are more important than le money.
I have an unlined cue card stuck in my Bible that I wrote on during some large-hall presentation...I believe it was the Does God Exist? debate at the good ol' U of G but that's hardly the point. At least I can say I was thinking about spiritualish stuff.
The card reads as follows:
"I sit in the WMEM lecture and realize that the world is dark and the battle is long.
Then I think of Nate* and I must wonder about the grand balance (or distribution) of things, of pleasant and unpleasant moments. I must conclude that God allows us joy to keep morale up. How else could we traverse such a morbid, discouraging place?
As robots, we should persist in combatting [Godlessness] because we're running out of time... and yet God allows us to experience good, laughter, smiles that we would get it. That we would remember what He's like."
*if this is the Nate I think it is, I probably mentioned him because he was at the time or had just come back from a dirty hard-soiled place --and he loves it. That kid amazes me but I'll stop there.
I sound a bit dramatic in that note...and I'm not sure why. I think at the time I thought I was seeing things clearly...I thought I was standing in mud looking at a bleak sky, corpses scattered - something like that. To be honest, I don't think it's such a bad thing to look despair in the face every now and then.
I had a really cold hard look at it last night as my mother and I talked about pedophilia and stuff attached to that. The conversation had started with her explaining to me what "cruising" is (not the driving-downtown-with-your-friends kind of cruising...nope) and from there, we talked about the idea of sexual addiction, "sexual tourism" and general sexual perversion. I don't um... I don't remember being so silently horrified in a very long time. I uh.... yeah. It's not that she had specific stories or was trying to upset me --or even wanted to perpetuate the topic. I guess it just hit me, the reality that some people don't have the sense that children are not sexual objects. I can't...I just can't process how you..think like that and, you know, I would wager that most pedophilic people have a serious mental issue. This isn't...normal, not by any stretch.
There was a moment - I dont' remember specifically what she said, but it must have been about something I've never thought about - where I just kinda stared in the other direction with the strangest look on my face. Maybe that was me having the color drained out of my face. Yes, I think that was it. Horriffic.
Of course the next thought is, "How can I stop this?" It feels so dang futile sometimes, you know? And I hate the triteness of saying, "Jesus can fix it!" or "Only Jesus!" On the other hand, I KNOW it's only Him. But I also know it's not that simple. It's not a Care Bear countdown where believers can just shoot their Jesus rays from an emblem on their chest..kapow! It's not....it's not like that. But I don't despair. I guess I can say that, you know, rallying against this kind of thing specifically and directly is not my life's calling BUT it does make me feel even more compelled to go where I am called to. In a really general way, we're all on the same team. More specifially, the more Godliness this planet is infused with, the better, n'est-ce pas? Someone's gotta stop opening porn shops, someone's gotta stop selling kids into prostitution, someone has to stop turning a blind eye, etc. etc. It's a huge and corrupt, rampant machine, this sexual wrongness that exists in our world and something as specific as the sexual abuse of children still affects me where I am. This is...good. The effect, that is. I get to be indirectly involved and I'm OK with that.
On another cue card next to the first in my Bibs, I wrote down something the speaker said which probably was a catalyst for the other ruminations. He said, "Is what goes on in the world really that unusual?" Now, unusual as considered deviant from God's standard, YES, it is unusual. But unusual in the sense that we should be surprized that people beat their wives or steal cars or defraud, or whatever, NO. No, we know exactly how disgusting a people we are; we just get shocked sometimes when we watch the news or we REALLY think about things. We humans are pretty dang good at disengaging so we can get by.
And then there are those of us whose very realities exist in the darkest of dark corners...they know what's unusual. Me, I know nothing.
Sunday, 1 June 2008
sched
It's happened agian...I did another crazy weekend. I find myself feeling rather weak and sometimes delusional..earlier today I was feeling this odd but quite distinct and hard-to-ignore pent up feeling. Agg..I really wanted to talk aout it..to perhaps spring a leak but...it just wasn't the right company.
Everything in me wants to sleep right now but...I feel like there's still more squeeze out of this day, you know? It's like...I still haven't touched those two URGENT guys that have been hanging over my head for the past lil while. I def got the pain in the wrist and forearm from all my piano playing today. I haven't had that feeling for a long time. 'Scool wit me.
Wednesday/Thursday
[the details of these days are pretty much irrelevant..I wanted to only to note that I slept more than eight hours Wednesday night which gave me a feeling which is a unique mix of guilt and invincibility to stay up late Thursday night, knowing I needed to be up Friday morn-morn. The guilt means I want partly to punish myself (ohh, penance...) and partly want to squeeze far more out of the remaining hours of the day than is realisitically possible so pushing the bedtime back makes sense. The invincibility comes from my half-cooked theory that sleep hours can be stockpiled and rolled over to subsequent days. I still don't know how far off I am with this but, having a more-than-full tank of gas makes me think I can stay up foreva! ...But not actually forever. I know how I function on every amount of sleep hours from zero up til... I think 14 was the worst I did...back in the summer of 2004 and so I play off that knowledge. I suppose I'm a rather staunch beleiver of the "If I can do it once I can do it again" principle.]
01/02h to bed
11h45 wake wake wake
02h30 sleep sleep
Friday
06h38 AWAKE!
07h start work
11h finish work
[home stuff]
14h15 sneak into notes on the story of Joseph, son of Jacob and feel something like a familiar spark. (this is good...but I must sleep.)
14h30 NAP
17h00 AWAKE (mmmm the nap lasted five times as long as planned but...that's OK by me)
22h55 Pizza Pizza finally makes good sense to me. (my hunger was getting rude, I had been hankering pizza for about four hours, my patience for cooking was completely absent AND I wanted to stay in my working mode.)
[interim: working on an assignment and half-watching television]
04h40 to bed!
Saturday
06h AWAKE!
06h35 start work
09h50 feeneesh work
13h15 arrive at location for kidlet control
15h30 groceries!
16h hang out with rando group of frizzends in the livers room (enjoyable, ben oui)
18h10 out for dinner (BAD choice of food but GREAT opportunity to drive the cloud car....oh, a cloud.)
20h00..hockey game... then other distracting things, including moving all too many boxes out to the garage or basement (..I didn't even watch the 3e period. what a loser I be!)
21h55 great conversation with great friend! to be posted in a later blog entry!
23h00 go to bed on the couch, feeling ridiculous because it's 10.40 and what?! On the other hand, I tellement wanted sleep and I don't mind giving in to my body when it asks for things like that and I can afford to accomodate. I also had a pervasive feeling of resfulness (something like peacefulness)...restfulness in God. It's good. It was good. It lingers, slightly.
Sunday
05h15 AWAKE! (jump up! proceed to bathroom! ike! ike! ike!)
05h45 start work
08h35 finish work
08h50 start music rehearsal à l'église
12h20 leave l'église
13h[45] arrive at Pearson aeroport (pick up a friend!)
14h[30] return home (start random house duties...return a call to my brother... He told me a story that made me laugh longer and louder and harder than I have in.....an unknown amount of time. Seriously - no one makes me laugh like family, especially my bro-dudes. Yes, at the peak of the story, I definitely collapsed awkwardly to the floor and dropped the phone...which dropped the call. I was still laughing when he called back. It was...it was just a magical and RIDICULOUS conversation. Just wonderful.)
15h35 bus to l'église encore pour music rehearsal
18h45 leave l'église
-------------
this post feels strange because I wrote it with reverse chronology. what's weird is that I may want to refer "back" to someting, but I'd actually be referring forward in time. crazy. McFly.
I ..I really do like the idea of turning the rest of today in to a real Sabbath. An eight-hundred word essay on a topic that intimidates me is beckoning but, I feel that, in my state of mind I will not work well [I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT THIS - I DO NOT LIKE BRAINULAR SHORTCOMMINGS] but will continue pushing myself until I "make some progress" (whatever I deem to satisfy that...) and I will become progressively more tired, more pushy, more frustrated, and more disappointed in an on-going cycle. FUN, eh? The worst is when you have no choice but to work on something important (and brainular) when you simply cannot. That be the WORST. You know you're cranking out shoddy work but you can't MAKE yourself sleep and un-sleep at the same time. Ahhh.
That being said, I feel that relaxage for the next few hours or so, and rising tomorrow RESTED N' FRESH is going to be the best plan of action. Oh yes.
Just this morning I was thinking about the Sabbathness of Sunday and I re-realized that Sundizzy is one of my busiest and most tiring days of the week, typically. (Monday has become my Sabbath by default - it follows the crazy kid.) Part of me wants to take it back but other parts of me know that the the things my Sundays are filled with are wonderful and generally speaking, couldn't be moved elsewhere. However today? aujourd'hui? Je vais rester. Bon.
Song I loved singing this morning:
Today, I choose... to follow You
Today, I choose...to give my "yes" to You
Today, I choose... to hear Your voice and live
Today, I choose...to follow You
As for me and my house,
We will serve You
As for me and my house,
We will spend our lives on You
Wonderful, Counsellor, Everlasting Father
Eternal King, Lord of Hosts, willingly we follow...
[Brian Doerksen and Sandra Gage. "Today." Today. Integrity Media, 2004.]
How gorgeous? Simply gorgeous! I love what it means; I especially love that beginner part (I actually don't know if it's a verse or chorus but it seems like a chorus) because of those simple but gutteral words. They read like self-fulfilling prophecies. YES, we can make a "choice" in a minute but how or whether we stick to our decision can only be seen with the passage of time. So, it's as if saying, TODAY I choose, is a way of both admitting that we humans need to repeatedly surrender and re-focus and a way of claiming the whole day. From wake to sleep, I am Yours.
It makes sense to me. The way the melody rolls seems to function as a sort of mantra (not a religous one but a psych-up-before-game-time kind). As for me and my house, we will serve You.
The other thing that made this song excellent was that all three of the times we played it this week (once on Wednesday - maybe twice - and twice this morning) we all hit the key change flawlessly (in previous instances, we've cut the change out) and played together. I'm not sure how to write all of what I wanted to say in one word and "together" sounds cheap but I mean that all the instruments did exactly what they should have but on top of that, played with one another, not independently as we sometimes do. The singers know exactly what they were doing, there was a three-part harmony (gorge!) and there was something a little like passion underlying it all. I don't know what happened, it was just awesome. Other blessing? That when we sang with the congregation, they were right there with us. (21) Do we call this the Holy Spirit moving? Is it solely Him who produces effects like this? I'm sure part of the reason we were so joyful and boisterous was that hearing everything work well, musically, pumps people up, it makes them smile, it makes them relax a little and in turn they play better. What an awesome spiral. What an awesome what an awesome. Our God is an awesome God. Mmmmm yeah. long post. deal with it. phew.
that took me exactly two hours to compose. haah wonderful.
Everything in me wants to sleep right now but...I feel like there's still more squeeze out of this day, you know? It's like...I still haven't touched those two URGENT guys that have been hanging over my head for the past lil while. I def got the pain in the wrist and forearm from all my piano playing today. I haven't had that feeling for a long time. 'Scool wit me.
Wednesday/Thursday
[the details of these days are pretty much irrelevant..I wanted to only to note that I slept more than eight hours Wednesday night which gave me a feeling which is a unique mix of guilt and invincibility to stay up late Thursday night, knowing I needed to be up Friday morn-morn. The guilt means I want partly to punish myself (ohh, penance...) and partly want to squeeze far more out of the remaining hours of the day than is realisitically possible so pushing the bedtime back makes sense. The invincibility comes from my half-cooked theory that sleep hours can be stockpiled and rolled over to subsequent days. I still don't know how far off I am with this but, having a more-than-full tank of gas makes me think I can stay up foreva! ...But not actually forever. I know how I function on every amount of sleep hours from zero up til... I think 14 was the worst I did...back in the summer of 2004 and so I play off that knowledge. I suppose I'm a rather staunch beleiver of the "If I can do it once I can do it again" principle.]
01/02h to bed
11h45 wake wake wake
02h30 sleep sleep
Friday
06h38 AWAKE!
07h start work
11h finish work
[home stuff]
14h15 sneak into notes on the story of Joseph, son of Jacob and feel something like a familiar spark. (this is good...but I must sleep.)
14h30 NAP
17h00 AWAKE (mmmm the nap lasted five times as long as planned but...that's OK by me)
22h55 Pizza Pizza finally makes good sense to me. (my hunger was getting rude, I had been hankering pizza for about four hours, my patience for cooking was completely absent AND I wanted to stay in my working mode.)
[interim: working on an assignment and half-watching television]
04h40 to bed!
Saturday
06h AWAKE!
06h35 start work
09h50 feeneesh work
13h15 arrive at location for kidlet control
15h30 groceries!
16h hang out with rando group of frizzends in the livers room (enjoyable, ben oui)
18h10 out for dinner (BAD choice of food but GREAT opportunity to drive the cloud car....oh, a cloud.)
20h00..hockey game... then other distracting things, including moving all too many boxes out to the garage or basement (..I didn't even watch the 3e period. what a loser I be!)
21h55 great conversation with great friend! to be posted in a later blog entry!
23h00 go to bed on the couch, feeling ridiculous because it's 10.40 and what?! On the other hand, I tellement wanted sleep and I don't mind giving in to my body when it asks for things like that and I can afford to accomodate. I also had a pervasive feeling of resfulness (something like peacefulness)...restfulness in God. It's good. It was good. It lingers, slightly.
Sunday
05h15 AWAKE! (jump up! proceed to bathroom! ike! ike! ike!)
05h45 start work
08h35 finish work
08h50 start music rehearsal à l'église
12h20 leave l'église
13h[45] arrive at Pearson aeroport (pick up a friend!)
14h[30] return home (start random house duties...return a call to my brother... He told me a story that made me laugh longer and louder and harder than I have in.....an unknown amount of time. Seriously - no one makes me laugh like family, especially my bro-dudes. Yes, at the peak of the story, I definitely collapsed awkwardly to the floor and dropped the phone...which dropped the call. I was still laughing when he called back. It was...it was just a magical and RIDICULOUS conversation. Just wonderful.)
15h35 bus to l'église encore pour music rehearsal
18h45 leave l'église
-------------
this post feels strange because I wrote it with reverse chronology. what's weird is that I may want to refer "back" to someting, but I'd actually be referring forward in time. crazy. McFly.
I ..I really do like the idea of turning the rest of today in to a real Sabbath. An eight-hundred word essay on a topic that intimidates me is beckoning but, I feel that, in my state of mind I will not work well [I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT THIS - I DO NOT LIKE BRAINULAR SHORTCOMMINGS] but will continue pushing myself until I "make some progress" (whatever I deem to satisfy that...) and I will become progressively more tired, more pushy, more frustrated, and more disappointed in an on-going cycle. FUN, eh? The worst is when you have no choice but to work on something important (and brainular) when you simply cannot. That be the WORST. You know you're cranking out shoddy work but you can't MAKE yourself sleep and un-sleep at the same time. Ahhh.
That being said, I feel that relaxage for the next few hours or so, and rising tomorrow RESTED N' FRESH is going to be the best plan of action. Oh yes.
Just this morning I was thinking about the Sabbathness of Sunday and I re-realized that Sundizzy is one of my busiest and most tiring days of the week, typically. (Monday has become my Sabbath by default - it follows the crazy kid.) Part of me wants to take it back but other parts of me know that the the things my Sundays are filled with are wonderful and generally speaking, couldn't be moved elsewhere. However today? aujourd'hui? Je vais rester. Bon.
Song I loved singing this morning:
Today, I choose... to follow You
Today, I choose...to give my "yes" to You
Today, I choose... to hear Your voice and live
Today, I choose...to follow You
As for me and my house,
We will serve You
As for me and my house,
We will spend our lives on You
Wonderful, Counsellor, Everlasting Father
Eternal King, Lord of Hosts, willingly we follow...
[Brian Doerksen and Sandra Gage. "Today." Today. Integrity Media, 2004.]
How gorgeous? Simply gorgeous! I love what it means; I especially love that beginner part (I actually don't know if it's a verse or chorus but it seems like a chorus) because of those simple but gutteral words. They read like self-fulfilling prophecies. YES, we can make a "choice" in a minute but how or whether we stick to our decision can only be seen with the passage of time. So, it's as if saying, TODAY I choose, is a way of both admitting that we humans need to repeatedly surrender and re-focus and a way of claiming the whole day. From wake to sleep, I am Yours.
It makes sense to me. The way the melody rolls seems to function as a sort of mantra (not a religous one but a psych-up-before-game-time kind). As for me and my house, we will serve You.
The other thing that made this song excellent was that all three of the times we played it this week (once on Wednesday - maybe twice - and twice this morning) we all hit the key change flawlessly (in previous instances, we've cut the change out) and played together. I'm not sure how to write all of what I wanted to say in one word and "together" sounds cheap but I mean that all the instruments did exactly what they should have but on top of that, played with one another, not independently as we sometimes do. The singers know exactly what they were doing, there was a three-part harmony (gorge!) and there was something a little like passion underlying it all. I don't know what happened, it was just awesome. Other blessing? That when we sang with the congregation, they were right there with us. (21) Do we call this the Holy Spirit moving? Is it solely Him who produces effects like this? I'm sure part of the reason we were so joyful and boisterous was that hearing everything work well, musically, pumps people up, it makes them smile, it makes them relax a little and in turn they play better. What an awesome spiral. What an awesome what an awesome. Our God is an awesome God. Mmmmm yeah. long post. deal with it. phew.
that took me exactly two hours to compose. haah wonderful.
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