stub

Someone pulled up in a deep orange (and white) 2011 Camaro today and I goggled. I didn't even realize I was doing it but I had leaned over the counter to get a good view of it pulling in, my eyes popped and my mouth silently "oooh"-ing in the same way you might watch the (delicious!) dessert tray being rolled out at a meal you aren't paying for. There's that little half-moment where time pauses as you absorb the visuals.
Then to my complete surprize, the driver who emerged was someone I knew (-ish). This was great news for me because it meant I could more easily ask about it. When he walked in and greeted me on his way to Tims, I said only, "Are you kidding me??" with the look of disbelief still on my face. He replies easily, "It's not mine..." and my shock diminishes slightly. He says something about just bringing it somewhere (he works for an auto dealership) but I honestly wasn't really listening that closely cos the car looks good.

When he was leaving a short while later, I saw that I had a reasonable gap in customers that should have allowed me a few minutes go outside for a closer look. As he turned to goodbye me I beckoned him (I'm not a huge fan of yelling). This really did seem like an opportunity I won't soon get again and that enabled me to override the flashing sign in my head telling of a breach in social protocol. [Side note: Man, sometimes I just love breaching social protocol. It can bring great things.]

A look of restrained excitement would have still been on my face. I tried not to let it hinder me.
"Are you in a rush?" I ask.
"What?" He has no idea what to make of the question or the context.
"Are you in a rush?" I repeat with identical intonation but slightly better diction and more volume.
"No," he replies flatly, taking a sip of coffee.
"You're not in a rush?" I confirm, observing that his body language seems to belie his words. I thought maybe I'd misheard him. (He typically does not linger.) He shakes his head, still sipping.
I bargain, "After I serve this guy," referring to the man approaching whose cigarettes are already in my hand, "can I come out and have a look at the car?"
"You want to have a look at it?" he clarifies, sounding half-relieved and half-surprized.
"Yeah."
"Sure, you can come look at the car." Don't know if I realized til now how odd it is that he answered with a full sentence. Ha.

The customer in line who was standing back to let us converse rushes up and I begin the transaction. He says something about the exchange he just witnessed. I clasped my hands together in front of me (in the way you might do when pleading) as I almost squealed my interest in the vehicle. Glad he understood. I even saw two other guys rubberneck on their way into the store. I was pumped.


However...


...too many customers came to find me at inconvenient intervals that by the time the driver had finished his unrushed cigarette outside I was still unable to break free. He looked through the window to see where things were, a smile on his face that seemed to want to give way to laughter. He was looking at me warmly, but like he thought I was silly or ridiculous. Maybe he does. He wouldn't be the first. And he wouldn't be wrong.

I waved him away with my own "at least I tried" smile of shrug-off disappointment and "thanks anyways". He turned to go - he knew I had to let him go - and his smile grew considerably. He must think I'm silly.

That's OK.

I think I'm kinda into cars. I think I know far too little about them to say that today. But, I think I want to start learning.

Last Tuesday

I went into work to meet with my boss to pick his brain. I wrote out a list of a million questions (actually thirteen) and we chatted. We actually met for two-and-a-half hours, including lunch. It was amazing. Without wanting to be ridiculous, it has to be among my top five favorite days of this year.

I was asking "what do you think of this?" questions for the past, present and future. It was good. It was good that it wasn't all business, too. I was relieved that I didn't have to do the lion's share of the talking and appreciated that we took turns leading to some extent. Hahah it only took about seven minutes for him to tell me, laughing, to close the door so we could speak at liberty. Tee hee hee.
Gosh, do I EVER place a high value on candor (and I certainly do not mean just with him).

When we were closing in on two hours, I had to start watching the minutes tick by on his wristwatch, in the back of my mind cutting things out of my plan for the rest of the day so I could get to work on time but not have to leave this office sooner than the last minute. I kept remembering that he's gone soon and when I weigh that against other things like reading a textbook or preparing a meal, he wins! It's only for a little while longer. I ended up arriving at work TWO minutes before my shift started (which properly makes me late) -- and that was only possible because someone gave me a ride up there. You may call me greedy.

During that meeting I found two wonderful pieces of hope&comfort for the future and for this transition time. I want to be clear: the loss is/has been/will be difficult for me (a) because I wanted to stand behind and lead with someone who was bringing us to the changes we desperately (read: DESPERATELY) need as a local church (this being HUGE when it seems like* no one else sees it/gets it), and (b) because he is a dear friend. (I can't put part B into words.)
Thankfully, (a) God raises up the leaders He needs for His c/Church with perfect timing, perfect sovereignty, perfect intentionality; and (b) we can still be friends. (I didn't really realize part B until Tuesday.)

Ugh. Go to sleep, you foolish woman!

*seems like.

Interesting:

The feeling of finishing something you must do is better than the feeling of the alternate activity you choose when blowing off something you must do. Interesting. That's like saying a workout feels better than a bag of Cheetos tastes. Crazy, eh?

Right now

I had better get back to work
but

I hope I get to come back soon and blog about last week!

This morning

seemed to really fly by. I'm OK with that. Tickled that I wasn't dead tired, somehow. :)
The letter to the church service I just posted was received and answered, I guess. Service was a wee bit surreal. I'm sure I was there, I just wasn't too attached, or something.
Sermon had me kinda mesmerized. (That surprized me a little because I heard a preview of the sermo on Tuesday.)

Part of me was listening intently,
part of me was half-imagining what it will be like when there's someone else delivering sermons here,
part of me was desperately hoping other people in the room were being as convicted as I was,
and part of me was just plain enjoying the experience and worshiping in my heart. (I think I was endeared. I think I can use that word.)

Yesterday

I did end up finishing my reading (though at a few points it became a real battle against the heavy eyelids) and it was a good day with the fam. (I was in the city for about 12 or 13 hours because that's all that would work before my mother goes way on a hundred vacations this summer.)

I played with a couple iPhones for a while. It was cool. Steadily they become less intimidating. I took this photo and modified it with an app called Instagram:

I'm not exactly proud of this photo; I just like the way it was/can be modified. My sister was exampling it to me and told me to "just take a picture of the chess board" or of "something interesting". I didn't think it through too much...Snapped the photo so she could show me what she wanted to show me. It's all very fascinating to myself.

I also learned that my dad recently got a kitten..and its name is Brad.






It's a kitten named Brad. A kitten named Brad. I don't know what to say. Apparently the cat likes to smell people's armpits.

That's about it.

Last night

I had intended to post this before I went to bed (round 00h15) but couldn't bear the thought of waiting for a laptop to boot up in order to do so when I got in at 00h05.

Dear Church Service,

Please do away with all the crap in me and make me whole again.

Yours expectantly,
Congregant

all I wanna see is a sky full of lighters.

I want to blog. I should be reading. (Guess which activity I picked?) I'm going to try to get through the twenty-two pages before my mother gets back...then I'll be free as a bird. I need to hammer this sucker out real quick-like.

I found a watch under a poster on my moms' coffee table here.... I heard the paper ticking and then figured it out. I put the watch on.... hahahh I just put it on without thinking. So weird. It feels so weird to be so presumptuous. But, I know she wouldn't mind and she doesn't even have to find out. It's just weird to take liberties with things/places that aren't yours BUT on the other side of that same coin, it's nice to take liberties with things/places that aren't yours if you've been given explicit or implicit permission by the owner because of the relationship you have with them.

Last night I stayed at work after my shift was done because I wanted to continue chatting with the coworker who relieved me. She and I have similar experience/life situations/family and I wanted to speak with her. (It's rare enough to meet someone like this.)

Supervisor of the Tim Hortons had offered me a ride home (which I accepted) so when she came over after closing, I subtly or not-so-subtly indicated that I would like to stay a little longer to chat. My coworker wanted me/us to stay to deter the guy who comes in with he friend every night she's working and try to pick her up. She is not interested. (She has told him as such.) I stayed for an extra hour last night and he didn't bother her. Proven method! [The watch is coming off.] My chauffeur was fine with staying for a bit cos she didn't have anywhere to be urgently or anything to get up for too early the next day. (Me, I had a bus to catch at 7.) We stayed til 2. It was epic.

It was downright epic. I spent most of my time sat on a milk crate because my feet weren't having any of it. I inhaled a small bag of barbeque flavored peanuts. I didn't talk as much as either of them did. I heard disturbing and horrifying accounts from childhood and marriages. (Sometimes I was only staring blankly with my jaw dropped because really....) Chauffeur went out for a smoke twice at which point I asked my coworker about more family stuff. It was epic. It was good/new. Something I've never done before - not stayed up late talking (get a life) but - spent my leisure [pronounced as "pleasure"] time with these ladies (or any coworkers ever, to my recollection). It was very nice. It was worth not being able to get more than 3.5 hours of sleep (I promise). :)

well.... I don't know about you but I'm still frustrated -

- a little bit less so, now that I've seen a blue Toyota, but I am still feeling quite wound up.

It would be good if I was in bed soon. It likely would have been best if I went to bed immediately upon coming home (around 00h50).
I don't want to sleep as an escape from feeling terribly but neither is there something I could or should be doing to make things less frustratious at the mo.

Right now I need to lie in the bed I've made - I need to endure the consequences of poor decisions. Sigh. I can't say...I can't say it's not my fault. Doesn't matter. Tomorrow will be another day. Boy, am I annoyed.

I feel like such an a**hole. Don't know how else to describe it. I should have written about Tuesday and Wednesday before today happened because they were great. bah.

I need to sleep and then make better choices tomorrow. That is all there can be do to it.

Huh. Dave Chappelle on "Home Improvement". Weird. And Jim Breuer.



How to summarize? I am annoyed that I can't have/do everything I want lately. (Yes, I know that's the fleshed out version of a child's temper tantrum. I know.)
Yesterday and today I rebelled against my responsibility by claiming I could mix business and pleasure. It did not work. I am paying for it. At this moment I feel I have learned my lesson. TIME WILL TELL (as it so often does).

I always find it works out well when I ignore God for extended periods of time...When I rub the magic lamp to get some obstacle out of my way and then tell Him to shut up and go away. I've never literally told God (the one who made me and cares for me more deeply than anyone ever could) to shut up but when I insist that other things are more important than Him, that I can do everything on my own, and that I'll get back to Him maybe when I'm feeling more relaxed or in control, I may as well be saying, "shut up." Gosh.

Let's go to bed now. Let tomorrow be tomorrow.

OK.


now I'm just frustrated.
I keep trying,
I keep tweaking;
I initiate,
I wait....


I just don't get it. BAH. I am frustrated. more later. [insert emoticon of grumbling]

well... it's finally happened.

strange to me but interesting to no one:
A box on the top shelf in the baking aisle caught my eye yesterday and when I looked back utterly confused to figure out why there was something at Zehrs telling me about a pitcher's Walks and Hits per Inning Pitched, I realized my brain had finally made the switch to recognize "WHIP" as a baseball acronym first and as a dessert or weapon second. I used to laugh every time they'd show a pitcher's stats cos I was thinking of a long strip of leather used to keep horses in line.
(Also, for the past few weeks any time I see the number 9 on its own I think of J.P. Arencebia who wears that number on the back of his jersey. It's weird because I don't go out of my way to pay attention to him but there it is.)

epic and strange:
I was finally seen in my pyjamas by a firefighter. This wasn't on my list of things to do before I die but it is that strange and unpleasant thing that I have cringingly imagined or laughed about. Several firefighters and a few police officers were on my street yesterday morning and I was sat on the curb with just three pieces of clothing on (one of them was underwear). I did consider grabbing other things before I left but when you hear, "WE HIT THE GAS; CAN YOU PLEASE LEAVE?" from someone working in your basement ideally you just leave because everything else is lose-able or replaceable but your very life. Ha.
And of course one of the firefighters had to be attractive. I am glad he didn't talk to me.

So chuffed that "Wayne's World" (1992) has come on TV just now.

I swear it's been ten years since I've watched it. Just such a long time.

I'm amazed that I have laughed out loud three times already because this is one of those films I would have watched several times a month (or week?) as a child. Some really silly things have made me laugh. I forgot Chris Farley's role ...Chris Farley is hilarious.

Can't believe Alice Cooper's cameo.... And he gives an impromptu HISTORY LESSON backstage after his concert. Unreal.

Dana Carvey is decidedly unannoying in this role. (great)

Weird how there are a dozen auditory snapshots that I've carried with me these last 19 years. Random phrases like, "You just don't. OK??" [Russel] Or, "I was born in Kowloon bay!" [Cassandra] are shocking me with their extreme familiarity because I have the exact intonation and rhythm memorized. It's weird. I interject these kind of snapshots (not just from this film) in my real life whenever I can...I forgot about this.

Rob Lowe! Totes overlooked the Austin Powers/Wayne's World connection with Rob Lowe & Mike Myers. Cool.


I guess I already knew this but it's weird to be confronted with it in this way: Apparently I really like/d the style of the early 90s for men. Yes; apparently I go for long hair and ripped jeans.
aaah ha fourth L out L.

man. I should be sleeping. I just want everyone I know to know and like this movie! Is that so much to ask?

Yesterday I was asked whether I was going to watch Game 7. I said, "It's in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, isn't it?" meaning that it is something Canadians are obligated to do. I joke but it is something I feel compelled to participate in.

It was surreal to watch the manager of the bar walk down a staircase after waving at my friend to meet us seventh or eighth in line, out on the sidewalk, and lead us to stools at his bar upstairs to take the table from his parents who were soon leaving. Couldn't believe I got privileges because of who I know. Sick.

After Game 6 I had been thinking about whether I would like to go out or stay in for the final game of the 2010-2011 NHL playoffs. I wanted to stay in to save money and to be able to multitask but I wanted to go out because being around people when they're/we're excited about a(n athletic) contest - it's something! It's something unique and you don't get Game 7s every minute. I'm glad I went out.

--

I am going to miss my regulars. I mean that really and for truly. This evening I was training a new employee during the first five hours of my shift. This meant that I was occasionally or half-interacting with some customers but not all. I was answering questions, smoothing out problems, finding cigarettes, etc. etc. When some of my regulars came in I would chat with them as the new guy processed their orders. With others I would try to subtly create a buffer, helping them have patience for him while he's learning because they know I know what they're asking for and I'm capable of taking over if I need to. For some I silently looked on. With one in particular, I asked the new guy if I could take over when I saw the regular approaching. He said, "sure," (what else is he gonna say?) and I explained quickly, "He's one of my favorites," with an unplanned stupid grin. He really is. He is downright witty and thoroughly unpredictable. Also, he has never looked at or spoken to me as a sex object. This is great.

If it was the case that I wasn't speaking directly to a regular customer, or if they were exchanging "thank you"s and "have a good night"s with the new guy, most (if not all) of them would look at me and say a separate goodbye or just smile before they left. Not sure how to explain it but it felt validating or something. This made me happy. It is strange to think that there is some kind of legitimate bond created because of weekly retail interactions over a six-month period. It's not a bond that's transferable to any other situation, I don't think, but it is what it is and I appreciate it.

The first regular I saw during my shift didn't even talk to me or need to come to our counter. I didn't notice him til he walked into my periphery and he only winked when we made eye-contact. He's another who has never looked at me like he was interested in the contents of my trousers but the guy I was training was thoroughly confused. Some man walks past the line-up directly to the ATM but takes the time to look over and wink at me? I am now wondering if I was giving off a "town bicycle" impression. Something to consider.

it boggles my mind how much our culture loves gossip and snooping but we don't always exactly care about one another.

It has been a weird past few days.
One of my regulars yesterday asked me how I was (it had been about two weeks since we'd seen one another which is rare). I said I was, "OK," because that's what I say when some things are going well and other things aren't and there is no time/space to explain. Usually people take it to mean I'm doing terribly but pretending I'm not. (This is not the case.)
"Well, don't sound too excited about it..." he replies sarcastically which part of me resents because I am not obligated to be happy all the time (none of us is). I try to decide whether I can concisely and appropriately summarize my life before the next customer in line will have their turn.
Realizing it really doesn't matter and that we are still strangers, I say, "Life...keeps on happening. [beat] You know??" And to my complete shock he gets it. He nodded knowingly and actually said, "Thank you for that." It was weird. I have longtime noticed the similarities between him and my dad - disposition, life position, terrible joke-making - and this response made the likeness even stronger. Some people understand that persistent heaviness of life better than others. I find this interesting.

There is probably more to write about but I don't know what.

"Underwater Wednesday" decoded

And now that everybody knows that my boss (my pastor, my mentor, my friend, my like-minded counterpart, my encourager, challenger and leader) has resigned, I am going to unravel yesterday's post. I am doing this partly because I don't want my vagueness to be overly frustrating for readers and partly because I would like to express more. (Also for the fun of the writing exercise.)

[I got the news Tuesday by email but did not directly interact with him til our staff meeting the following day].
It wasn't that easy to get out of bed in the morning (but I did). [When we first saw one another other, on our way to the board room, he glanced at me and looked away with no acknowledgment and I was relieved to know that he had well predicted that I was taking the news hard.] I hid inside a Pepsi can. [When it was just the two of us in the board room I took my sweet time emptying my soda into a cup with ice. He asked what kind of chips I wanted and I focused on that stream of pop like I was doing heart surgery just so I didn't have to look at him while he was talking to me. I didn't want him to talk to me.] I stared at a wooden table for an hour. I smiled when I meant to smile and I laughed at something hilarious. [Glad that I could laugh and not try to MAKE myself more sad than I was. Things are still funny. My favorite was when a coworker said in his story, "Kentucky, or wherever he's from," and my boss subtly amended, "Boston." I chuckled without thinking. It's typical of those two...One to speak without thinking and take wild guesses; the other to know and recall precise and accurate facts. It's funny.] I flipped out about the [word] "irregardless" (WHICH IS NOT A WORD). ["IRREGARDLESS" IS NOT A WORD. It has an inherent double-negative which is dumb. It would be like saying "undeflate". You should say "regardless" (as in despite) or "irrespective" (as in despite or notwithstanding or even though).] I was quiet. I ate my lunch because I understood that's what humans do at meal time.

The forty-foot hallway was three football fields end-to-end and yes, I started feeling like I was underwater. [This was the hallway between the boardroom and my boss' office. I go to speak with him after most staff meetings one-on-one or he stays in the boardroom. I have grown to love those times, where we don't only talk business but funny things, difficult things, any things. I think it's great when he puts his feet up and closes the door because he's not going anywhere.] I swam in circles until I had drummed up adequate courage. [I tell you, I felt dread. My heartbeat shot up, and I was reading things, looking at things, checking my bag, walking back and forth in that hallway deciding whether I could or should talk to him now or wait another week. Until this meeting, I had not made eye-contact with him, and had answered his few direct questions shortly. It's not that I was upset with him; I didn't even plan to behave this way - I simply couldn't make myself face him.]

I stood for the first time on a threshold I've been welcomed through on a hundred occasions. [His doorway and the view from it looked weird and foreign when they should have been totally familiar.] I asked the only question I could find ["Can you tell me what led you to make this decision?" was the mature, measured version of the "But why???" that I wanted to whine.] and I absorbed all the information presented. [His answer made more sense than I thought it would. It was substantial and a very, very small part of me said, "I get it!" The biggest knot in my stomach was untied.] Because I really didn't have any more questions, because I really didn't have comments or statements and because I was underwater I played out my to-do list in my head so I could force my voicebox to produce, "I should go." (I didn't know how to stay!) [By this I mean, in his office. I couldn't have the normal everyday conversation because it would have been fake. I also was aware that my disposition was making him feel badly.] My words landed nowhere and I was given more information.

I loosened imperceptibly [Here I remember he is not a stranger and that in some sense, nothing has changed.] but as stark reality threatened to overwhelm me, I blurted, "I gotta go," at my next opportunity. I had forgotten the to-do list; I was losing my ability to stay. [This was where I realized that we couldn't really talk about it. This was something I needed to grapple with on my own.] The watery ambiance was observed and asked after. [He said, "You seem quiet and subdued..." I threw up my hands and made an exasperated facial expression and sound as if to say, "Are you kidding me? How did you think I would react?!" Immediately I realized it was harsh but it was honest. I thought it was funny that he said I seemed quiet because I am naturally a quiet person and have been of few words in other staff meetings. He pressed, "Why?"] I retorted, "you know why,"* with more attitude than expected. My assertion was correct. [His wordless response confirmed for me that he really did understand.]

Pressure increased as topics changed [He was steering the convo to the innocuous and everyday.] and I felt cornered into action. I pushed deliberately out of the chair and declared, "I'm leaving." Seaweed caught my ankle [He was talking to me about the shirt I was wearing, very clearly trying to get me to linger. It works every other time. He knows how to perpetuate a conversation and unless I have somewhere else to be, I always stay. I think it was his paternal instinct kicking in, wanting to keep me in a safe place while I was upset. In that moment I was thrilled for his daughter. She is/will be well loved.] and I very patiently unraveled it. [I took none of his bait, inching closer and closer to the doorway.] I left [without a goodbye because his last two sentences to me were platitudes and they threatened to enrage].

I left.

I don't know how to be here. [This time I mean both in his office and at our church.]

*One of the reasons I could confidently say, "You know why," was that I sent this in an email to him six weeks ago:
"You probably already know this by the look on my face any time you mention leaving Crestwicke and I know that my preferences don't make your career choices BUT it would be wonderful if you didn't leave our church any time soon. That's all I'm saying. At this very moment I can't imagine who else I could or would want to work with but obviously God is sovereign so whatever happens in the future will be good (because He is good), even if it is unfathomably sad at first."

I read that email Wednesday morning before the staff meeting and it was hard to swallow my own (borderline prophetic) words. I had already decided I would choose to be OK with such a possibility. "Unfathomably sad" was a freakily accurate description.

--

Today was weird. Throughout the entire service, I was quiet, sad and hanging on every word of each song, Scripture, prayer and of the sermon, but by the time the announcement was being made, I was feeling decidedly less sad. It was odd to watch others receive and respond to the news and some react the way I did (so I could finally be able to talk to someone else who would get it) but to not quite be in that place any more. At the beginning of the service I didn't fit in because I was all dejected and indrawn and by the end of the service I also didn't fit in because I was not all shocked and bewildered.

If nothing else, I have hope. Today was good for hope.

for the record:

I hope to see at least two newspaper headlines using the phrase "The Real McCoy" tomorrow. If I could bet money on that, I would.

On an unrelated note,

this is an email I received from my sister earlier this week. I thought it was merry good fun. It is both informative and hilarious. It cheered me up with impeccable timing. :)

Hi Graebos (aka Grey Bus),

just reading some of your blog posts (I think this is from May) and I came across this:

what I discovered today:
Gatorade is not flavorish, sugary water! it has...stuff in it. I don't like it.

I wanted to let you know that I learned that Gatorade really is sugary water... but it was designed so that if your body doesn't NEED what is has, then it tastes like crap. If your body does need what it has then it tastes pretty good. I didn't believe it, but it's true. I took one with me on a run, and at the beginning of the run it tasted like shit and at the end it tasted like sunshine.

Try it.

this may not mean much to you, but

for me it's somewhat significant that I just flicked to a channel that was airing a movie and decided to leave it on. I don't know what it's called or how far in it is (though it did only take a few seconds to get the gist). I must be desperate for something to block out a portion of my thoughts. I can't stand watching movies partway through (unless I've seen them enough times before to piece together easily what I've missed); to me that's like not watching the movie at all. It's like reading half a poem or speaking half a sentence: every part in there was meant to be in there. If you don't get it all, you don't get it.

Anyways,

I digress.

A. On Saturday, I got some unexpected news that was one part scary and one part encouraging.
B. On Sunday, I got some amazing news that was so exciting, thrilling, joyful and moving that I was almost paralysed with happiness and softheartedness the whole day.
C. On Tuesday, I got the worst news I've heard in a year and a half. I think I turned inside out and disappeared.
D. Thursday I got news that I still can't make heads or tails of but my gut reaction was to be overflowing with optimism.

This week I have been saying the things that I am thinking and for the most part it has turned out well. No regrets, anyways.

On Wednesday, tuesday got worse (maybe like how a bruise shows up on the second day?). Somewhere around 1am on Thursday, tuesday started getting lighter. (I was shocked that first time it crossed my mind and I DIDN'T feel like I had been run over by a truck. Then I started feeling disappointed that I didn't feel terribly - which is garbage.) By the end of Thursday and throughout much of Friday I was close to my old self. I was reminded less often and I was taking things in a stride.
Then tonight some of tuesday leaked out which I don't regret but wasn't prepared for. I feel as though I have backslid considerably. There was a part of spilling that was definitely cathartic but there was a part which was painful because I couldn't express everything.
I don't know what to expect from Sunday but my heart is full of dread. (I can't lie: there is also a trace of hope.)

Underwater Wednesday

It wasn't that easy to get out of bed in the morning (but I did). I hid inside a Pepsi can. I stared at a wooden table for an hour. I smiled when I meant to smile and I laughed at something hilarious. I flipped out about the [word] "irregardless" (WHICH IS NOT A WORD). I was quiet. I ate my lunch because I understood that's what humans do at meal time.

The forty-foot hallway was three football fields end-to-end and yes, I started feeling like I was underwater. I swam in circles until I had drummed up adequate courage.
I stood for the first time on a threshold I've been welcomed through on a hundred occassions. I asked the only question I could find and I absorbed all the information presented. Because I really didn't have any more questions, because I really didn't have comments or statements and because I was underwater I played out my to-do list in my head so I could force my voicebox to produce, "I should go." (I didn't know how to stay!) My words landed nowhere and I was given more information.
I loosened imperceptibly but as stark reality threatened to overwhelm me, I blurted, "I gotta go," at my next opportunity. I had forgotten the to-do list; I was losing my ability to stay. The watery ambiance was observed and asked after. I retorted, "you know why," with more attitude than expected. My assertion was correct.
Pressure increased as topics changed and I felt cornered into action. I pushed deliberately out of the chair and declared, "I'm leaving." Seaweed caught my ankle and I very patiently unraveled it. I left.

I left.

I don't know how to be here.

I don't know how to express my sadness.
Even now I'm looking at my hands more than I'm typing. I space out a lot.

My mouth doesn't move because I don't know what to say or ask. My brain is moving but not really.
I alternate between making no eye-contact at all and locking in deliberately, as if every word is critical.

I don't know what to do now!
I know that some hypothetical "tomorrow" will come. I know that. Today I am sad.

I feel like not doing anything but I plan to keep on keeping on.
Not sure why I'm the only one like this.

It's not the end of the world.

Oh, rich people. You make me laugh sometimes.

Oh, big house. I like you a lot. (You too, ensuite!)

Oh, babies. Ohhhhhhh, babies. :) You are wonderful and perfect.

Oh, selfishness...I wish I didn't know you.

Oh, weird blog post: why did you make me write you? I gotta step it up.

not a bad (Satur)day at all.

A ce moment I'm watching The Ref (1994) and I'm enjoying it. I bought it last Christmas and watched it with my dad at his place. It was highly enjoyable - like, memorable-milestone-of-our-relationship enjoyable. Hard to explain. It had something to do with the time of year, the family situation at the time, the night I came down and the fact that it was one of the very rare instances where a film had both of our attention and provided us each with entertainment. (It's worth noting that in our family we watch a buttload of movies... I know my dad watches at least one a day.)

It feels weirdly step-into-the-twenty-first-century-ish for me to have a mobile Internet stick jutting out of my laptop at this moment. Don't even know how to comment further on that. It's just new for me... And it is helpful in diminishing my skepticism for high technology in general. I hope this is not a gateway item ...I hope I am not found in an alley three weeks from now, covered in Blu-Ray players and my own vomit.

Yep, I like this movie a lot.

Today I finally got around to doing some things at home that I've been unable to do since I switched rooms on Wednesday. (Goodness, this room is huge!)
Bed frame came upstairs and is now assembled, mattressed and dressed in the corner
Bathroom is now clean (read: not disgusting)
Food is now in the kitchen (NOVEL)
And storables are in the closet

It's great. The room is becoming livable. I like it.


Banking, groceries, quiet time, two bills paid, quiz submitted, phone date... Man... good Saturday.
Now, to devour a little slice of work and call it a night.

an undifficult way to tell I am a little off:

I just tried to type the past tense of "buy" as "buyed" and kind of didn't see a problem with it for a moment.
(Also just misspelled "tried" - beginning with "tryied" - three times in the above sentence as well as "misspelled" in this one.)

In my constantly multitasking, looking-for-the-most-efficient-route-from-A-to-B brain I thought it would be OK to do a few things on my way from the bathroom to this table instead of IN the bathroom before I opened the door. That time spent walking is something I might call "negative time"* (time doing something automatic or unconscious; very easily paired with certain other tasks) ...like the time spent waiting for a green light or an elevator, etc. etc. One of the things I thought I'd do was zip up my jeans and fasten my belt. I am glad I realized before I left that this would be a terrible, terrible choice. Weird. I don't know that life should ever be so hectic or move so quickly that there's no time to do up your trousers.

*I half-poached this term from visual artists who talk about "negative space". (I hope it's them...maybe photographers... If anyone knows, holla at me.)

In other news,