yesterday was a fun day.

[written Wednesday the 20th]

I went to a neighbouring city with the primary objective of investigating a potential job/job offer.  I found that the secondary reason could be dropping off my passport to be renewed.

I was (graciously) given a lift in and out of town which didn't save as much money as it did hassle.  It also reminded me of how important it is becoming for me to own a car.

I started walking toward the potential-job place just before 8am.  I wanted to know where it was but I was planning to stop and find breakfast before I went in because talking to a prospective hiring person is something I'd like to do with an undistracted and high-functioning brain.  And this wasn't a grab-a-muffin morning, either.  I needed to sit and get some kinda eggs and toast deal.

I found a super weird diner that I have seen advertised on local TV so it amused me.  Every time I saw the ad I mocked it because of the local- and small-town-ness of it.  And then I was a customer.  Good food for very cheap and ample time to review notes and screw courage to a sticking place.

This potential job offerer was not in.  He contacted me a few weeks ago and had been trying to set up a phoneterview since but just couldn't seem to find the time.  Because I had been given Tuesday off work and because I could get there easily & cheaply, I thought I might drop in...show some initiative.  He wasn't there.  I felt weird but kinda relieved about it.  It gave me an idea of how to write a promptatious email.

[written Wednesday the 27th]

I walked across the street to the bus stop and waited less than two minutes for a bus to come.  This was a +blessing because the heat that day (even at 9am) was no joke.  Before I popped my ticket into the machine, I asked the driver if it was still valid for, you see, I found these tickets more than a year ago.  I found them and kept them and was very pleased to hear the driver say that yes, they were still good.  Saved me loads that day.  +Blessing.

I stopped at the mall a) to find someone who might repair the bag that had broken about six minutes after I alighted my friend's car, and b) to get some uni work done.  I reasoned that if I just took the day "off" in another city, I'd get up to things I'd regret the next day.  The shoe repairman was just opposite my bank (+blessing of convenience) in which I'd just deposited a cheque (+blessing of late but appreciated assistance) and he was happy to help.  He told me to come back in an hour.

Only took this photo cos I love the artwork (and how it smacks of patriotism).

 I emptied the bag into another tote that I happened (+blessing) to be carrying and went on the hunt for a table and chair.  I accidentally bought a tea (which happened to be delicious ....+blessing) and found a super comfy chair in neutral space which meant there was no time limit for my stay!  Instead of delving into Unit 6 on Respiration I decided to jump into the book of Philemon.  I wanted to read something I hadn't read enough to remember and predict and wouldn't you know it -- the Word spoke to me. (+blessing)

I had recently been reflecting on my current habits of listening to sermons frequently -- on this thirst for knowledge, apologetic, truth -- and how that's well and good to a point but if I never leave my house, figuratively speaking, this information is almost useless.  YES, learning about the person of Christ is important independent of my relationships with others but let's have both.  Let's have the reason that apologetics are interesting and helpful.  What good is knowledge I don't apply? knowledge that doesn't change my life? knowledge that doesn't cause me to act?

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves.  Do what it says. *

A better description might be that I started to understand how people can be enrolled in educational institutions into their thirties and forties (or more?). I started to get a glimpse of the mind of the person who grows PhDs on their PhDs.  The person who takes up golf just to get a different kind of Masters.  Education is great but disconnecting yourself from people and remaining in a cocoon like a coward is not acceptable.  I will not be that guy!
*James 1:22

So, choosing Philemon not because I thought it had something for me, not because I thought it would make me "feel better" but because I thought I should come to a passage fresh, I was amazed to find verse six so appropriate for what I'd been thinking about.  I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.  THIS MEANS: you're missing out if you're not doing.  Of course I desire fullness in my relationship with Christ and of course I want to keep removing obstacles day after day that come between us... If I'm not sharing my faith I'm missing out on an aspect of knowing Christ.

Let's not miss out on knowing Christ.  That would be tragic.

(+blessing)


I picked up my bag and headed toward Destination #2: the passport office.  I found it easily enough (thank you, iPhone) and was in and out (+blessing) much sooner than expected.
Downstairs I found something like a cafeteria which amazingly could supply me with my fix of an energy drink (not my brand but I needed to be awake) (+blessing) and a place to sit while I ate the lunch I'd packed, free of charge and without time-limit (+blessing).  I hate packing lunches so I was glad to be able to at least eat it in a civilized manner (not like a zoo monkey), out of the sun and unrushed.  Lunch tasted better than I thought after being in a squished bag for six hours. (+blessing)

Next, we walked back downtown and caught a bus to the nearest Starbucks.  (Yeah, I said it.) There, I ordered the largest glass of iced soy chai goodness they would sell me and parked myself at one of very few open spots while shamelessly monitoring the spots next to wall sockets.  (My phone was around 30% of battery life now.)

Unit 6 - Respiration

It went well, actually.  Knowing I had ticked the two major boxes for the day and that this was just icing helped.  The cold drink helped.  Wanting to be able to tell my friend when she picked me up that I had finished all my reading helped.  I ended up getting through two-thirds (+blessing) which I was satisfied with because I actually worked the whole time so I basically did my best. :)

Twentyish minutes into my stay, I recognized (and it was half-sad, half-impressive) the woman in a white shirt who walked past me to the exit, whipped my head round to confirm and then descended upon her vacant seat like a bird of prey. Plugged the phone in and I was LAUGHING.  My friend called in response to my asking where I needed to go to meet her after work and she said she was actually closer to me where I was so don't go anywhere! (suuuuuuupa +blessing.  no more bus and no more time lost in transit.  ahh.)


Then we went home.  Perhaps that was it.  I guess I left out how, between the passport office and the downtown bus depot I met a Mormon (...... ...) and before Starbucks I found some super neat postcards for very cheap but there you have it.

not drawn and quartered

It feels like a lot of relationshippy things happened yesterday but I didn't feel like I was being torn in four separate directions.

To mirror yesterday, let's do a small amount of follow-up.

(1) S___ was in a better mood and I did get to serve him.  He really doesn't talk much.  Someone from Tims was telling me last week how amazed she was to hear from his coworker that he actually does speak.  Very tight-lipped fellow.
I had twelve packs of his cigarettes sitting on the counter by the time he arrived because that kind of overkill always seems to amuse him.  If I'm standing at the counter and waiting, I build towers out of them but because I was working on something else away from the counter, they just sat in two rows, partially hidden.

"Good morning!"

"Hey."

I look to my rows and deliberate over which pack to select.  (At first I was just being silly but then I actually had a hard time choosing from twelve identical things, haha!)

"..Just one," he says, and I note the levity in his tone which has a definite trace of "you're ridiculous" to it but he's fighting a smile which is good enough for me.

Gleaning some bravery from his smirk, I inquire, "Is your name really spelled like that?" in the same way I always deliver opening questions to him: too quietly and completely unaware of just how too quietly.

He leans in like he always does and asks me to repeat.  I do and he tells me, "no," shaking his head and leaning back.

I relax a little and over-explain how I thought I was going crazy having now seen a different spelling on his uniform than I was used to.  I attach people (every person I know) very intimately to their names (real, fake and modified) and if you're not who I thought you were, it causes problems.  I'm OK to correct; I just needed to know!

He tells me that the company that makes their uniforms spelled it wrong and I say, emphatically dropping my hands that were about to give him two toonies, four pennies and a five-dollar bill, "That's terrible!" Names are so important and using names correctly and intentionally is SUCH a high value for me.  He seems a little surprised that I care at all or noticed or am indignant on his behalf.  But he adjusts and continues to explain how annoyed he is.  I'm happy to see him more animated and to see a tiny glimpse of his unguarded self.

He came back (out of nowhere!) maybe ten minutes later to buy something else he'd forgotten and he told me about how L, who works at Tims, had been chirping him about a customer that apparently was interested in him.  He told me that I should do some sleuthing on his behalf regarding this mystery woman because L wasn't being very descriptive or helpful.  I agreed easily enough, incredibly relieved she hadn't been chirping him about me.  He only acted out how one might sleuth, trailing off after, "You should..." and looked as uncomfortable as he usually does when he realises he's put more than one complete sentence together in conversation with me.  (He gets this look on his face like he realises he's just wandered onto stage during a performance and needs to somehow make it look like he's supposed to be there.)  Guessing his charades clues, I offer to "spy" for him and figure it out.  I agreed that L wasn't being very helpful.  It was a weird conversation but if he's going to talk to me I need to find an open way to respond.

This is how I was #friendzoned. But after the small bruise on my ego healed I was glad.  It's better to be friendzoned than to be a slut, really.  That's...the whole story.  Pardon my language.



(3) Tuesday's conversation with Miserable S____ was nothing spectacular.  I hadn't been anticipating our interaction much and didn't have anything lined up to say or ask.  I happen to exit the loo at the same time he happens to be headed back to the checkout so he asked his habitual "what's happ'nin'?" over the top of the aisle as we walked in tandem.  I barely answer because I know the question is meaningless and that he won't answer if I reciprocate.  (Note to self: find a way to translate.)

He then immediately asks if I had figured out how manual transmission works; if I had gone to the website he had recommended.  I sheepishly tell him I hadn't found the vid because I'd forgotten to look for it til six minutes before I'd needed to leave for work which he understood.  He did his stuff and I packed up and then waited for him by the door. I wanted him to verify that was looking in the right area.  (Terminology has really been a bane during this process.) I walked him to his truck and showed him the site on my phone. He confirmed that yes, I was looking in the right spot.  Last thing he says before the door shuts and I walk away is, "do your homework."

OK, sure, S____.  I'll learn about manual transmission so I have something to talk to you about.  Sure, I'll spend time online trying to understand things that absolutely don't come naturally to me and that I have walked away from about six times already.  Sure, I will try to come up with questions and try to understand your explanations.  You don't talk about much substantial but you will talk about machines.


(4) I made sure to carve out time to hang out with Jesus Tuesday after work.  It was actually after dinner which kinda made it even nicer.  It was like a special date.  We talked about a lot of things and I heard Matthew 26:42 properly for the first time and it was really a significant epiphany.

"He went away a second time and prayed, 'My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done'."

I have been thinking that Jesus just wanted to abort the whole mission; that He wanted to be excused and then the fact that He went through with it meant He had been pushed or coerced and was reluctant.  It never seemed to fit with what I know of Him, His character, His love so I essentially stuck a pin in it, hoping to understand better in the future and trusting that He is unequivocally good and that independent of my comprehension.

I think the problem stemmed from being most familiar with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  Yet not as I will, but as you will'."  Anyways, what I grasped was that He still wanted the cup to be emptied but He didn't want to go to the cross.  Can I blame Him???

Can anyone blame Him?  It certainly makes more sense that a man would dread being abused and cruelly beaten then violently murdered and that if there were a way he could avoid it he would seize it happily.  Yeah, I get it.  I suppose, being omniscient, Jesus was speaking rhetorically in a way or just expressing His distress.  I get it.  It's huge.

Later, I listened to a sermon called "Missional in Philadelphia" and I decided to watch the video as well; to pay full attention, to take notes as appropriate and to expect to learn something.  (When did I decide there was any other way to listen to a sermon?)  I learned many wonderful things and would like to review my notes in the immediate future to make sure it's sinking in.  I also was convicted about prayer.  I shouldn't go into too much detail but I need to make a choice to change how I do it.  Last night before bed I chose to sit and chat with Jesus, my bestie, about all the things on my heart and in my head.  It was a newvolutionary (new + revolutionary) experience not because of an emotional high or big answers but because I was exercising my will to maintain focus and I was speaking with Him in faith of the relationship I know we should have, not the one I feel like we have.

Good.


[There was a non-mirrored relationshippy part of my Tuesday that I'll have to put into its own post.]

drawn and quartered

[composed Monday]
upon reflection at the end of my work day it kinda seemed like my heart was being pulled in four different directions, drawn and quartered.  (maybe "heart" is too much...maybe not. I mean something like my emotional and relational will.)

I wanted to talk to S more because he just looks so angry. (1)
-he said literally one word to me and it was my name in three distinct syllables, tongue out to create some weird kinda lisp and the last syllable sounded like a "kheee" (kinda nasal) more than a "ka". he was being silly and it made me laugh.
-I kept looking for gaps in my work and courage to go talk to him because he was hanging out without his coworkers which is rare.
-I wanted to ask him about baseball (a bonus cos I'm doubly interested)
-I wanted to ask him about spelling (cos now I've seen his name two different ways)
-I wanted to ask him what his life story is (literally. I think I could do it)
-I want to ask him anything and everything...I just want to help, I guess.
-his coworker told me a while ago, "He neeever smiles.  You're the only one who makes him smile," and I felt very humbled by it.  I'm a little shocked but I don't think J had reason to make it up.
＞if I have a unique in, I don't want to waste it.  that said, it's actually really tricky to thread the needle in this.  REALLY tricky.

I had meant to tell J that I was sorry to hear about his mum being in the ICU and to offer my help with anything (though I'm sure there isn't anything) but he left before I could. (2) 
-I walked up and said, "what's the bad news?" as a variant of "how was your weekend?"/"are you having a bad day?"/"why the long face?" because he was very different from his norm.  he replied, without missing a beat, "my mum's really sick."  my jaw was on the floor.  I was half-joking!  he continued to tell me the details and I listened and asked a few questions....  It's so hard to find something to say that properly conveys sympathy without being trite.  If he knows me like I think he does, he would have read most of it in my non-verbal communication.
-early on I said, "wow," purely out of shock.  (I didn't even realise I'd said it.) he replies, "yeah, those were my sentiments exactly."
＞I guess more than wishing I had been explicit in my support I wish that neither he nor his mother were suffering but there we are.  we wait for an update and pray to the God of the Bible.

I caught a glimpse of what real-life friendship with Miserable S____ could be like and its plausibility surprised me.  (3)
-last week my boss referred to S as my friend when S approached the counter and after thinking a moment I threw in, "did you know we were friends?  cos I didn't."  I said it partly to indicate that I didn't think we were friends and partly because it's a funny couple of sentences to utter and I like funny things. he catches the mood perfectly and replies that he didn't know.  my boss asks and S clarifies that we're acquaintances.  my boss asks what the difference is and S says exactly what I would have said (which was neat on its own).  he says, "an acquaintance is someone you know.... a friend is someone you hang out with... outside of where you happen to run into them."
-today I stopped to say hello to S as he was banking and I was heading home.  he mocked me for my Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt (I'm not even mad) and I bugged him about being a chump and for having no sleeves.  (I asked if he had gone hulk.  he answered, "yeah, that's exactly it.  it's not like I weld in a f******' 60-degree shop."  I fought the urge not to laugh at this...don't ask me why.)
-after all this I asked if he thought he could explain some of a car's inner workings to me.  (I know he prefers standard, understands machines and has a knack for spatial arrangement.) he half-smiled when I first started asking, looking like he was gearing up to make fun of me so I dug deeper to show my serious desire for knowledge and to not hold too tightly to my desire to not look an idiot.  before I could add that I wasn't asking him to explain at that very minute, he had put his purchases down and begun teaching.
-he used his hands, he maintained eye-contact, he gave an appropriate amount of detail, he asked if I was tracking at least four times, he answered my questions and didn't make me feel stupid when my questions betrayed the shallowness of my comprehension.  he didn't get exasperated or bail in any of the opportunities I'd created for him to easily do so.
＞the hands are significant because he never talks with his hands (he barely says enough to have something to express with his hands)
＞the not leaving is significant because he was about 80% more animated than usual
＞the eye-contact was significant because he's usually pretty stingy with it and at this time it was clear that he was talking to me and just me.  it was a conversation SORT OF something like what two friends might have.  it legit looks like it is possible he and I could be friends in real life and I think that's pretty neat.  he took time out to help me (though my comprehension was really only enhanced like 5% on top of the last three explanations two other people have given me) and he spoke to me as a peer and without silliness.  it really was something.  my reasonable brain says we won't become friends but I am still hopeful.

[composed Tuesday]
I don't know what fourth thing I was thinking of when I came up with the post title but let's say the fourth place my heart wanted to go was to Jesus.  (4)
-lately I'm just not being a good friend or faithful or patient and (of course) it's costing me.  (of course.) I really wanted to carve out time after work in that small window I had to unwind, have dinner, get ready for tomorrow and MAKE SURE I was in bed by 9 but I didn't.  I took my unwindish time to watch an episode of "The Firm" (2012-present) (which is just SUCH a good show; it really quenches my thirst for mystery/action), to journal briefly, write an email, blog and watch the pilot episode of "Lost" (2004-2010) because I'm tired of being left out! I don't make time for Him and I pay.  I pay not because I'm being punished but because I need help, I need refocusing, I need to reprioritise, I need to find my M.O. again...every day again.  sigh.  and here I sit blogging. let's go.

When I don't work Fridays, I have an excuse to go in and chat up anyone I bally well please. #gift

Her: "Do you have the hots for him?"

Me: (with controlled straight face) "No." I choose to assume she means to ask if I'm interested.

Her: [variant of "I don't believe you"]

I look around sigh-and-stutter-ingly for a way to give a more thorough answer but avoid full disclosure because it's a busy coffee shop.

Her: (trying to read my silence) "Don' even trieyy to change the subjec'. Dis is about YHOU."

She sounds like she grew up in the West Indies.  She did grow up in the West Indies.  I love it.

Me: (still searching for that balance of honesty and confidentiality) "No, I'm not it's just (delicate...deeeelicate...)... I've thought about it but it'll never happen."

Her, after a moment: "Are you being silly right now? Like, about yourself?"

I thought she was accusing me of lying.  "What do you mean?"

"Like...saying that it'll never happen.."  She's asking if I'm being self-deprecating.

"No, no.... I mean half of my brain" (and I draw a line down the centre of my skull) "likes the idea and the other half knows it's a terrible idea."

Amazingly she understands.  There's much more to say about each half and if we didn't have a dozen over-hearers I would have been happy to disclose further.  (I am actually hoping for a moment aside next week to do so because without the full truth I realise it STILL sounds like I'm talking out of my rear.  She's told me about similar things in a surprisingly candid way so I think the relationship can stand being upped to the next level.  Looking forward.)

Her, slight step back and a nod: "Oh." Pause to think about it; pours a few coffees.  "Is it because he's a badass?"

I gawked a little, even more caught off-guard than I was at her original question which also seemed to come from left field*.  I didn't realise she knew him that well as she hasn't worked here very long. On top of this I just wasn't expecting to hear that term.  (It's somewhat outdated, isn't it?)

*this phrase does annoy me more now that I care about baseball but I still like/use it for the shape.

I had to ask her to repeat herself even though I was aware of the current customer, M___, and that he was listening to us with mild amusement.

"Is it because he's a badass?"

(slightly animated because I'm uninhibited) "Oh, no.  That's my favorite part!"  I think I unconsciously clasped my hands together saying this but I don't remember.

Her eyes bug and she laughs briefly with a "WELL, then" face.  It's funny.  hahaha...

Hmm.  Realising it will only get worse until I can explain the sensible half of my brain (I know I'll just keep taking liberties...it's what I do) I decide it's time to leave.  I announce, "Well..." readjusting the suit jacket and tie I'm not wearing, "I'd better go before I do any more damage," which makes M___ laugh in a way I've never seen before.  *Side highlight!*

"Especially," I continue, "because there's clearly other people listening," gesturing toward M.

His smile grows at the mention and he says slyly, "I can be bought," which makes me laugh big-ly.  I'm taking some consolation in the fact that he didn't arrive til after the badass' name had been used so he probably can't blackmail me.  Famous last words.