ceci est moi.

Part 1:
Last night, I received an oracle through a trusted believer. (Actually I received three but I'm only going to write about the third.)

At the end I was told that I needed to change the half-prayer I had texted my friend a few hours before. I had written, "I want to WANT to be bondage-free."

The oracle said I need to remove one set of "want to"s from that sentence. (But, of course.) One set is the Old Testament: it has built-in obsolescence. She prayed it a bit for me, I prayed it a bit before bed, I prayed that I would want to keep praying it. I prayed one step removed: I prayed I would trust God to believe that better is better. My, is it hard.

It's John 5:1-9a all over again. (I need help.)

Part 2:
This song, which is little known and I haven't thought of in a while, came to me this morning in the shower. I started singing it and then I threw on a recording so I could just listen.

It was tough for me, how good and perfectly fitting it was today. Lord, be my prayer. Pray for me the right things. I can't do this without You. I can't do this without You.

[I wanted to highlight the particularly connective parts but I would be highlighting 80% of the lyrics. Please hear them all.]

As I think on the cross
and the price that was paid,
Royal Blood that was spilled
so the dying could live.

Every sin, all disease, 
broken hearts come to You;
I'm so grateful 
as your mercy
and your grace cover me.

    Oh, the blood of Jesus;
    Oh, the blood of Jesus!
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

    All the praise and all the honour
    to the only Lord and Saviour.
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

With my hands and my heart
I surrender again.
All devotion, adoration
with my life I will praise.

    Oh, the blood of Jesus;
    Oh, the blood of Jesus!
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

    All the praise and all the honour
    to the only Lord and Saviour.
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

        Now unto Him
        who takes all the sin of the world,
        hallelujah!
        Now unto Him
        who takes all the sin of the world,
        hallelujah!

    Oh, the blood of Jesus;
    Oh, the blood of Jesus!
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

    All the praise and all the honour
    to the only Lord and Saviour.
    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

    Hallelujah, hallelujah
    You're the reason I'm free.

     Zschech, Darlene. "Oh, the Blood." Songs for Communion. Wondrous Worship, 2004.

Part 3:
This morning I was unwittingly 30 minutes early for work so I pulled out my NIV to continue in the book of Hebrews. It was chapter 10. It was fitting. What a coincidence.

Here are some excerpts to give the thrust, but of course the whole chapter should be read together.

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming--not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. Otherwise, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins. It is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins.

Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins. But when this priest [Jesus Christ] had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, and since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool. For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
Hebrews 10:1-4, 11-14, 19-23

Part 4:
Has yet to be lived this evening, this week, this (earthly) lifetime.


To God be the glory.

Some orthopraxy, I suppose.

I've learned that I misunderstood the analogy from the sermon the Sunday before last, the one that evoked my doxology. 

The cheque for five million dollars the pastor promised us (and I still haven't received.... rude) was not described primarily to prompt us to tell others about the great, unbelievable, life-changing gift we'd received. No--when the pastor asked rhetorically, "You would say something, right?" he meant that we would tell the giver of the great, unbelievable, life-changing gift about our gratitude.

It seems rather obvious now, and it seems like just as obvious a response as telling others because good is good.


I thought a follow-up post should contain some orthopraxy [correctness or orthodoxy of action or practice].


But I haven't the words to say it. I've been crying and scrambling and cobbling through my whole Christian life to try to get just ONE legitimate "thank You" out of my mouth to show my gratitude to my Savior but I just can't. I can't find the bottom of it, I can't find the language, I can't do anything justice.


Some talented poets have worked hard and done better than I. Let's quote them.


O for a thousand tongues to sing
my Great Redeemer's praise,
the glories of my God and King,
the triumphs of His grace.

The myst'ry of the Cross I cannot comprehend
the agonies of Calvary.
You the perfect holy One crushed Your Son
and drank the bitter cup reserved for me.

Your blood has washed away my sin,
Jesus, thank You.
The Father's wrath completely satisfied;
Jesus, thank You.
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table;
Jesus, thank You.

Son of Adam, Son of heav'n
given as a ransom,
reconciling God and man,
Christ our mighty Champion.
What a Savior, what a Friend,
what a glorious myst'ry:
once a babe in Bethlehem,
now the Lord of history.

When this poor lisping, stamm'ring tongue
lies silent in the grave,
then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I'll sing Thy pow'r to save:

I'll sing Thy pow'r to save,

I'll sing Thy pow'r to save;

Then in a nobler, sweeter song,

I'll sing Thy pow'r to save. 

O to see my name written in the wounds,

for through your suff'ring, I am free.

Death is crushed to death; life is mine to live,

won through Your selfless love. 

This the pow'r of the cross:

Son of God--slain for us;

What a love! What a cost!

We stand forgiven at the cross.

I'll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death

and praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;

And say when the death-dew lies cold on my brow,

"If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now."

Thank You for the way that You love us,
how you love us.
Thank You for the way You have made us.
We were created for Your pleasure
for Your presence, for the glory of Your name.
Thank You, for the way that You love us. 

Jesus, faithful King,
Lord, with grateful hearts we sing:
how great is the love, how great is the love of our Savior!
The weight of the cross, the curse of our shame,
You carried it all and rose from the grave--
how great is the love, how great is the love of our Savior!

I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene
and wonder how He could love me, a sinner, condemned unclean.

How marvellous! how wonderful!
and my song shall ever be:
How marvellous! how wonderful
is my Saviour's love for me.

(a good reason to break the fourth wall.)

Yesterday morning, when I realised I hadn't left myself enough time to really dig my cleats into the Word before I needed to leave the house, I prayed more than usual against the inclination to read only so I could say I had read. I had to remind myself that there was no reason to read if it wasn't because of the content, if it wasn't because reading the Word was life-giving (and a command).

I tried to pray it but I barely believed it. Thanks be to God that He caught me anyways. Colossians is an excellent read from a literary perspective (initial engagement) but also excellent for the rich and beautiful content (continuing engagement).

Here's the one that snagged me like a brier:

  For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. In him you were also circumcised with a circumcision not performed by human hands. Your whole self ruled by the flesh was put off when you were circumcised by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through your faith in the working of God, who raised him from the dead.
  When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. (Colossians 2:9-15)

I've read it dozens of times before but on this particular day I found it jaw-dropping astonishing. It's beautiful and perfect and I'm thankful to God that he has rescued me from my dead body and my evil heart.

• Fullness--lacking nothing; having abundance
• Circumcision of the heart--irreversible cleansing
• Buried and raised with Christ--dead to sin, alive clothed in His righteousness eternally
• Legally debt-free--no longer working as a slave to clear an impossible balance
• Uncondemned--
• Uncondemned--
• Uncondemned--

--because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit

who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

• He has taken away the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us. He nailed it to the cross.

• He triumphed by the cross.

And then I checked the note in my study Bible to see if the scholars could also stir me up to worship. To my delight, they did. They trot out a list of marvellous, impossible, impeccable things and the simplicity of language is brilliant and delicious.

Here Paul declares that the Christian is complete in Christ, rather than being deficient as the Gnostics claimed. This completeness includes the putting off of the flesh (v. 11), resurrection from spiritual death (v.12-13), forgiveness (v. 13) and deliverance from legalistic requirements (v. 14) and from evil spirit beings (v. 15).
The New International Version Study Bible. Ed. Kenneth L. Barker. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011. 2014. Print.

Well, it's all very good news (for those who are in Christ). It's all very good news.

[The only other thing I can say is that if you're reading this and you want this completeness, life, and freedom that I'm describing but don't know the middle steps to get there, then PLEASE---send me an email and allow me the privilege of explaining further. You can also comment on the blog and since comments get filtered through me, I will see it as an email but never publish it, so the correspondence will be private.]

Know this God.

  Know Him!

A doxology, if I could.

I wanted to try to blog some of what happened today but I feel it will be hard.

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age, according to the will of God our Father, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (Galatians 1:3-5)

During the sermon this morning, the pastor told us that out of his "astonishing wealth" he was going to give each one of us a cheque for five million dollars. I barely moved in response to this information because I know that along with being completely unfunny and uninteresting, our pastor is a fountain of falsities.

But he proceeded to make his point (and make it well). What I have been hearing in my head and heart since that time (about twelve hours ago) is that exciting news is news we instinctively share. If I had been given five million dollars this morning, if I had become engaged to be married, if I had gotten a great new job, I would tell people. I would tell people!

And yet... the greatest, greatest, greatest, greatest, greatest news of my life--greatest news of the universe--I mostly keep to myself. I tend to share my big moments and God-joy with other believers which I realise is good and right but there needs to be more. Today I was convicted that I need to strive to be the same person who exalts and boasts about God with believers as I do with non-believers. (After all, He is the same God.)

Twice already this afternoon I've found friends staring at me with that stillness, the focussed eyes, and the mouth hanging a little bit open as they watch me preach without a licence. The truth gets in my bones and sometimes it rolls off my tongue passionately and coherently. This morning and this week the Lord has been tying things together in a magnificent way in my God-given brain such that it is now scratching to get out.

Oh, and the music! The Lord gave us SUCH GOOD music today! Well... He always has but this morning He gave us the right songs to sing and I love Him for it. I'm going to scatter lyrics within this post but here is the list, each one worth a listen or a read: "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross", "How Deep the Father's Love for Us", "Lord, I Believe (Communion Hymn)", "Nothing But the Blood", "At Calvary".


This morning our pastor preached I Timothy 1:12-17 and, with a perfectly apt change of pace, the sermon was designed to be more mediative than expository. The text:

  I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
  Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

The pastor began by reminding us that, "because of its simplicity, [the gospel] is marvellously profound." We talked about the Apostle Paul's life and conversion and we hung out in verses 13-15 long enough to make a huge impact on me (and on others, it seemed). Our pastor pointed out that the Apostle Paul, who was once a murderous, violent persecutor of the church had been shown mercy, and had been given abundant grace. He had been forgiven and restored into relationship with the Living God. More than that, he had been equipped (or, as the pastor put it, he had "been given something to do") to serve the Church.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

that were an offering far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine

demands my soul, my life, my all.

The Apostle Paul identified himself as the worst of all sinners and therefore held that if he could be saved, anyone could be saved. The preacher asserted that we should all be able to say the same for ourselves. Further, he pointed out that the Apostle Paul was writing about his conversion and rescue near the end of his life so he clearly "hasn't gotten over it." [I love it when funny colloquialisms get transplanted and actually help cast important things profoundly.]

The gospel is just so good.

  It's better than you can imagine and it gets better and riper and deeper and lovelier and sweeter and more overwhelming, amazing, humbling, joy-inducing as the years roll on.


Paul's story is my story. No, I have neither been a persecutor nor a zealous Benjamite. But I am the am the worst of all sinners. I am. I am and I know it to my very core. (As the gospel deepens and ripens and sweetens, so does my awareness of my need for it--that is, my abject sinfulness.) So when someone tells me there's hope ... I have cause to be excited [elated, over the moon, etc.].

Here's the truth: Like Adam, I disobeyed God. I decided I was better without Him and so I cursed Him and turned away. I rejected His law, I rejected His standard, and most of all I rejected the mirror that the Truth never failed to hold up. I am the worst of all sinners. How else can I say it? I hated God and if I were around a few millennia ago, I would have tried to kill Him, too. And the appropriate punishment for mutiny? for high treason against the King? Well, it's death, obviously.

Pity a helpless sinner, Lord,

who would believe Thy gracious Word.

But, oh! my heart with shame and grief,

a sink of sin and unbelief.

I am not exaggerating.... Because I disobeyed, rejected, sinned against God I would die. It's the proper penalty.

And yet....
  and yet....

ugh. language fails.

And yet the offended party paid my debt instead.

You see, at just the right time,

when we were still powerless,

Christ died for the ungodly.

Very rarely will anyone die for

a righteous person, though for a good

person someone might possibly

dare to die. But God demonstrates

his own love for us in this:

While we were still sinners,

Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8)

UGH! I still can't get over it. I still can't get over it.
Instead of me dying, the King of all kings died. He beat me to the gallows. He took my place. He wanted so much for me to not be severed from Him, for me to not die, that He died instead. He bought me back into right relationship with the Father. More than physical loss of life, He took the the brunt of the anger of the Holy Father who does not tolerate wickedness. He took a toll I can't fathom.

How deep the Father's love for us,

how vast beyond all measure!

that He should give His only Son

to make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss:

the Father turns His face away

as wounds which mar the Chosen One

bring many sons to glory.

Someone would die for my sin ...but it ended up not being me. Most someones would stay dead when they died, but this perfect, spotless God-man conquered death itself. Yes, that second person of the Godhead, Jesus, He was barbarously nailed to a crucifix to be executed as a blasphemer (ever ironically) but after being dead and buried for a few days, He came back to life. And...imagine--so do we! Those who have died with Christ are raised with Christ! This is very good news. It's very good news.

Oh, the love that drew salvation's plan!

Oh, the grace that brought it down to man!

Oh, the mighty gulf that God did span at Calvary!

Mercy there was great and grace was free;

pardon there was multiplied to me.

There my burdened soul found liberty at Calvary.

It is very good news. I have been set free from my body of death. (Thanks be to God.) And He died to save many. He has not finished calling, rescuing, transforming, equipping, loving pitiful sinners in this world.

I don't know what else to say.