home #3

I have returned to Guelph and I find that it is much greener.

More of the street is obstructed from my view as I look out my bedroom window; there is more ivy up South Rez wall... it's weird.

And, I can't believe it feels like home here! First I thought I missed Montreal so much because it had been my solid home for 3 months. Then I came to Etobicoke - my home since forever - and thought, "This is where it's at." And now, I am here in Guelph and it is a strangely comforting atmosphere. I've never exactly felt like Guelph was my home; it was more like a temporary holding cell. I think it feels like my home *now* because my heart is going out to it, from a spiritual perspective.

It's going to be a crazy year.

presents

And lastly, to round my day's tally of posts out to four, I'd like to mention something awesome I found last night.

I love (understatement) to make things for people that they don't expect and to give it to them with no cost or effort on their part. Espeicially when it's personal, when it involves craftiness (sneaky or cut&paste), and when there's writing involved. Mmm hmm. The thought of it makes me smack my lips.

I think God's given me a gifting here and I want to know: where are You going to use this one? Please let me give it all to you. :D

presenting it to the class

Here's my list of things I learned this summer on Montreal Project 2005 with Campus Crusade for Christ:


#1 Put the Gospel first and all else will follow. (Luke 12:29-1)

#2 It would be better to get to Heaven and have God ask you, "What were you thinking?" than for Him to say, "Why didn't you do anything?" (courtesy of Eric Rose, Quebec CCC staff)

#3 There is great comfort in feeling inadequate if it's in light of God's power. Pray hard. (courtesy of ninth outreach)

#4 An open door is more of a blessing than I realized. This summer in Solin Hall was like my second chance at experiencing first year in Rez. (courtesy of Alison Lau, Dan Richardsen, Joel Sherman, Mike Dytynyshyn)

#5 Humor is a gift from God that I am blessed to recieve and to give. I shan't underestimate its power encore. (courtesy of final banquet .. and Joel Sherman)

#6 Boys are too complicated, too distracting and altogether too ... lovely.

future plans

Last night I was day-dreaming about many things (most of them boys) but one of them was my future vocation. I day-dreamed my way into night-dreaming and back again so it got a bit weird but I enjoyed how it was complete or all-encompassing. I dreamed that I might teach music at my own former high school. I got a big thrill out of it. I had been thinking about an arrangment of mine and how I would love to walk into my old school and show it to my musical mentor. I wasn't sure if I should show the manuscript or the audio recording because the audio wasn't up to my standards but the manuscript might not give him a complete enough picture (as brilliant as he may be). With this next thought, the night-day line became blurry. I said to myself, "What if I could just ask five singers - five Music Theatre majors - to sing my piece? Shouldn't they be able to be perfect on the first try? Or first day, at least?" The thought excited me and I had a flashback of my old band classroom. From there I slipped into full-out dream land, still conscious - I guess - of the fact that I was dreaming. I began to think of what it would be like to make my living from teaching music - in this case teaching arrangements to singers - at my old high school. I saw my passion for it and started to wonder where my evangelistic calling would fit into the mix. I want to teach there. I want to teach music. I want to be capable of teaching music, just like the ones who taught me were. It looks hard and I don't do very well with music history but dag, I would like to try.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago (undoctored) about returning to my high school to show the same piece in question to my music mentor. Some things were the same about us two, some were drastically different. What was interesting was that he not only knew I was a Christian (my t-shirt did help) but he also knew what kind of Christian I was (born-again, I suppose). Now, taking into account that this dream has only two sources of input: my brain and God, it makes sense that he would know this about me. But as I found it transferable to my own life, it was certainly something to think about. What will it be like when I go back to my high school? I haven't been there since I became a Christian. In the dream he was searching. He had a bit of self-sufficiency pride in his way but there were definitely traces of desperation coming out in his queries about me and the faith.

THIS more than anything, makes me want to walk through those doors again and tell the good word. Hmm. Tell the good word and teach the good music.

I was also wondering in my dreamy state of last night (I think on my way back to day-dreams) about how BIG of an impact I could actually make there for God. I was a bit disappointed, thinking there was no Campus Crusade for Christ chapter to get on board with, and looked with a bit of desperaton for any Christian voice the school had. Does the school have one? I think not. The Christian youth club had a sordid attendance and was written off by anyone who bothered to ask what L.I.G.H.T. stood for. I should infiltrate. I should ask God for my high school. Amen. :D


Living in God's Holy Truth

in the Anglo country

To-day, Friday, is my third day officially back in my home province and I don't know what to feel. Here are a few competing emotions/notions:

#1 I feel like I never left Ontario. (most prevalent the first day)
#2 I feel like nobody understands where I've been (they don't) and that I'm just scraping my way by the time until Winter Conference shows herself.
#3 I feel like something new that will manifest itself soonly and shock by-standers.


I love talking to fellow project members. It's obvious how much we miss eachother but also great to see that we're getting back into our respective lives, fairly easily.

I look forward to seeing what this next year, what this next life holds for me. I don't think ever have I felt this much an alien in my life.

marvelling

To-day God answered a prayer that I hadn't even fully laced into. I wanted to fall to some knees of mine and beseech Him to help me financially so that I could stop floundering. (I was about to ask a couple I know to lend me $200 for a couple of days so that I could cover rent and not be starving.) I read an email from my mother that says she has sent me an early birthday gift of $200 for which I am more grateful than words. I can't believe how good God is. :) (I'm certainly glad I haven't become accustomed to that fact.)

We were handing out invitiations downtown for our Outreach even to-morrow and I was a bit disappointed by my lack of boldness. I was partnered with someone whose boldness matched my own which increased the challenge. We completed the task - if a bit late - and I walk away from the experience knowing that God is gracious and that I have room to grow.


Last night, I made an assumption that led to me letting a few people down, one of which left me a note sarcastically explaining his dashed hopes. In my head I know that it is not a big deal but in my heart - morally speaking - I feel bad that I have a black mark on my record. I said I would do something and I didn't follow-through because of a miscommunication. In trying to deal with this guilt and remorse after I me reveillie-d, I reminded myself that God doesn't count all your past failures against you, predicting when you will falter encore and become more disciplinary and disappointed in you each successive time. God wipes out the record and says, "Next time; get it next time."

Thank You, God, for grace.

changing

To-day is a strange day. It's like preparing for battle, seriously.

I have changed since late last week (Thursday or Friday) and I have not regressed which scares me. This is finally the beginning of Montreal project for me.


I told the Gospel to my sister, I ran after a man whom I thought wanted to speak with my friends and I, I steered a conversation back to religious/spiritual issues; I stood up for my faith...

Things are changing. I am changing.

I decided late last week that, instead of waiting on God to bring me money, I would devote time, worry, energy, concern and prayer to the Gospel. That decision has turned my life around. Thank God.

This evening (in approximately 26 minutes) we depart Solin Hall to distribute invitations. I do not want to do this but I feel like I will. It's very odd. I feel like there's no turning back. It's like I knowI will figure out why not to be selfish. Ha - it's awesome. It's mounting the trench wall when the commander says, "Go."

Montreal part 2

Sorry for the unimaginative title and the shortness of this message; I just wanted to give a brief update before more things occur and my post ends up being monstrous.

On Monday, I did go in for work at the grocery store and the training & work were fantastic. My availability, however, was not what my boss thougth it was and therefore I couldn't maintain the position. This is sad but I did get a call from Canadian Tire this evening in response to my demande d'emploi so I will hopefully get a po-to-the-isition with them.

That's it fer now!

Montreal Project 2005

To-day marks the fourteenth day I have been away from Ontario on a summer project with Campus Crusade for Christ. Two weeks is a long time to hear French everyday. I like French but I don't necessarily like speaking French to people whose first language is French. If anyone else around here is as meticulously anal as I am with the use of their first language, then I'm in trouble. However, I have faith that, in no time flat, I will start to get the hang of this.

On Monday I am going to be trained at a grocery store called "Les 5 Saisons" which will hopefully be sweet!-a-la-sweet. I am both scared and excited. I am excited to be working, especially at a grocery store. However, I am concerned that I might not do well. The impression that I recieved, upon hiring was that there were very high standards for the cashiers at this place. Oh well. If I do my best, I can't lose. I hope the Francophone patrons will be patient with me.

Last night we (about 20 projectees) went to a jazz club called Upstairs. We waitied about 56 hours to be seated but I personally say it was worth the wait. The 3,50$ drink, on the other hand, I am not so sure about. But there we are. There was a pianist, a bassist and a percussionist. Guess which musician had all of my attention for the duration of their set? It's a shame that I was seated directly behind him and couldn't see his hands most of the time. My eyes started to hurt after a while because I had been staring for so long. It was good, it was very good. The phrase I used to describe how I felt afterwards was, "I feel like I just got hit by a train." For every second they played, I was trying desperately to listen; to identify what I was hearing (the pitch, the rhythm, the fingering, the shape of the piece); to imagine the pianists hands; and mostly to learn. I think that's where the train wreck feeling comes in: I tried to internalize all that I heard and that was taxing. The first song they played was a composition by the pianist that was in 5/4 time. <-- This entertains me. The second song was a Miles Davis piece but I don't remember its title. While listening, I was brought back to the days of my ESA theory class where we analyzed songs according to metre, color, dynamics - everything. I would love to tell you all of my observations but I would bore you. Let me just say that I was totally riveted and my jaw did drop a time or two (and this was without seeing his hands!). It was a YAMAHA baby grand.... and he used the left pedal like I have never seen. It was exciting. The night before that (Friday) we watched a Quebecois film called, "The Seduction of Dr Lewis." It was awesome & fantastic. After that, a Euchre party somehow organized itself in our appartment. My table played until 4. I am still disgusted. But, we did win 3 of 6 games and I am OK with that. (It was technically 3 out of 5 but some people count a shutout for two matches. Ahem.) On Saturday, we did some outreaching in China town and at two other metro stations in the city (Cote-de-Neige and Mont-Royal). This week we were offering people "JESUS" DVDs. (I've never seen the film but apparently most of the entire globe has.) The team I was part of was in charge of handing out flyers for a screening we offered in a Chinese church of the JESUS film. This was hard for me, ladies & gentlemen, I won't lie. At the end of the day, I did feel as though I had copped out a bit because it's hard to talk to complete strangers and offer them the most offensive idea ever. There is also a big part of me that says, "You're bothering people," "You're infringing on their space," "They're busy..." It's hard to get rid of that part of me and I'm not entirely sure I'd like to lose that mechanism. Anyways, it wasn't a complete bust and I believe things will get better week by week. Here's a brief detail about my roomates: Hiukei is still in school (here at McGill) for the summer. She just completed her undergraduate degree and is now following a one-year program in psychology. She is one of those people that will quietly utter, "You're not going to sleep to-night," and you are not sure if you should take her seriously or not. (She did say that to me - rightfully so - after the first time I called her "Hiukei Piukei.") I would definitely describe Hiukei as pleasant. She does what she needs to do and doesn't make bones about anything. She seems also to have a good handle on what her strengths and weaknesses are. 9 out of 10. Just kidding. 8. Sara goes to school at Briercrest College in Saskatchewan but hails from Windsor which means I don't her red-and-white blood. She just finished her first year and joined the project on a whim. To date, I have seen approximately four distinct sides of Sara and I hope they never stop showing themselves. There's the time-to-be-serious-about-God side; there's the oh-I'm-flustered side; there's the I-just-met-you-and-you-scare-me side; and finally the I-am-Sara-hear-me-roar side. Guess which one's my favorite. I would like to try to describe the last facet but it's very difficult. Part of it is that her though-speech filter is extremely coarse, part of it is her observational sarcastic humor, part of it is the unpredictability and part of it is her blunt self-narration ("Wow, I am totally embarrased." or "Wow, I am so rude.") The dead-panning tone is also great. I'll write when I write.. enjoy what you can. Any posts outside the month of May will be unrelated to MTL project and of little interest. Viewer discretion is advised. P.S. I saw the Bell Centre. :D I didn't see the actual stadium yet but I saw a sign in one of the metro stations that had the Habs emblem and I stopped in my tracks. My face went BZOING!! and I started fidgeting, trying to come up with an excuse to steer my travel partner's path in a different direction. We made it to the connecting tunnel and then we had to turn around. I am saddened by this. Did I mention that I have been to the all the current Canadian NHL team cities? Yes, I have (only since this summer) and I want that stinkin Bell Centre!

my statement

To you purveyors of cheap comedy:

I AM NOT AN AMERICAN AUDIENCE.



[25/04/05:)]

thoughts

(1) my ears are my eyes

i.e.: "watching" people without seeing. (It's what I do and I am glad for the skill.)

(2) Until I find the truth, I stick with what I know.

This is an idea in which I can take refuge. When I don't know something I don't need to feel ashamed or be flustered: I make no excuses. That doesn't mean, however, that I can coast in my ignorance. No, it means that I will keep my eyes open for absolute truth to replace my own construction of truth.

(I wrote these on a Roger's Wireless bill envelope sometime in March... I don't know exactly what I was thinking of but I remember leaving my room [or, I guess, waiting to leave my room].)

a Freudian slip

"I hope that wasn't a lie coz it sounded like a good truth." 09/04/05:)

This was likely in response to something I said that I didn't have time to verify the truth of. Sometimes I say things in faith; I say things that I hope and expect to be true and often don't get a chance to renege (i.e. tell the actual truth).

Part of the Slip was that I could have been lying but I didn't give myself enough chance to be sure and part of it is that I secretly hope to get away with it because I have no intention of reverting to clarify.

Seriously, I do have some intention but, you know, who has time for the truth when there's so much life to be lived around here?

covenant

"Just get me out of this semester and I'm Yours."

09/04/05:) 16h15

complimented

First, in a music class, I played (with a violinist) an original composition over a Mozart progression. Among other things, the teacher said, "That's the kind of thing that would make Mozart go, 'Yea! Right on!' wherever he is."

Second, I asked for something in jest that I didn't deserve and it was given to me. I was asked after in a direct, personal, unexplained way.

Thank you, vous deux.

lovely

A highlight of my day that's absurd enough to be worth mentioning:

I discovered how to play major chords in first-inverson on the accordion -- with EASE. I suppose I always knew how to do it but to-day I discovered just how ingeniously the instrument was crafted to give us those I6 chords. Amazing. :)