Groundhog Day 2006

I cannot seem to locate the piece of paper on which I wrote a quotation from Tuesday night's Colbert Report, but it went something like this: "Are you the Jewish crouton on top?" It was hilarious in context but I think it works just fine without.

Last night (Wednesday), Colbert talked with Emily Yoffe of http://www.slate.com/ and he mocked her in a merciless manner, much like he does with most of his guests. When he introduced her, he said she worked for "Slate" and she corrected him by adding the "dot-com" part. He insisted, "So are you saying that if I go to a newstand to look for Slate..." and she interrupted with, "You won't find it there. It's on the Internet." After a beat, Colbert asks in the most serious & deliberate way, "When did Slate go out of business?" (ha ha ha)
Before he had actually introduced her, he opened his lunchbox (the workman's version, metal and all) and pulled out a 500mL carton of milk. [I think this entire episode was dedicated to the working man. He even pointed out his blue collar.] In a vague effort to explain his actions he said, "I hope you don't mind: I'm on my break." Ahh, so insulting, I love it. He struggled with the carton for a while, unable to open it and so he passes it to Yoffe who does the trick in about 5 seconds. He takes a drink and makes a big deal about how lovely it is. Then he declares, "Nothing is more refreshing after thirty minutes of talking than a dairy product."


Last week, Colbert's main guest was Nina Totenberg (a National Public Radio correspondent) and I have a few quotations from his conversation with her but I do not remember the context for any of them. [Before I share those, I must let you know that Colbert does not like bears and he says they are a threat to America.]
(1) "Sharing is caring. [beat] It's true because it rhymes."
(2) Colbert: I'm not a fan of men with beards.
Totenberg: You've never had a beard?
Colbert: I get kinda patchy. It comes in here [pointing to sideburns] then thins out [tracing jawline] and ends up all right here [indicating very central chin]. It has a sort of billy goat effect.
Totenberg: So you look kinda like a bear.
[Colbert reacted by staring at her (fighting a smile), and giving a bit of the evil eye as the audience "ooooooooh"-ed. It was a truly magical moment and I enjoyed it thoroughly.]
(3) Somewheres in this episode we hear about "Sir Phillip Garbagescowl".


This quotation is from his interview with the congressman of the state that he was honoring on that episode (name of place or man I do not recall). During these interviews (I have seen at least one other, perhaps two), he is as subversive and mildly insulting to congressmen as he is with studio guests but when he is with these politicians, he does not let on that he is joking around and there is no audience to laugh and show that such is the case. Generally, he will accuse people of accepting bribes or any kind of corruption and act dumb hearing their response, twisting their words, etc. This congressman in particular seemed a bit ticked off by Colbert's antics and when he was done he ended - in the perfect way, in my opinion - with this:
Colbert: Congressman [even tone, as if he is about to say, "Thanks for your time"], may I stroke your moustache?
[Congressman]: No.
Colbert: Can I comb it?
[Congressman]: [nods]
[Colbert pulls out a small plastic comb (like something you would use on a My Little Pony doll) and passes the bristles through the other man's facial hair a couple of times and then sits back (supremely satisfied) and thanks him for the interview.]


There are more Colb quotations to come but right now I need to sleep or something.