On 5th May 2004, I moved out of my mother's house for good. It's a weird anniversary but I'm a fan of celebrating rando things, I really am.
What I Realized on Sunday:
One of the chansons that we sang that morning a l'eglise made me ask myself, "What would you be doing instead?" When 40% of me still doesn't want to go away, I am constantly searching for that one "Aha" moment that will tip the scales. I wish I could remember the line..I know it was the last two of a verse but..the words elude me. The point is that I don't really have anything better to do with my eleven months starting in August. Serious.
YES, I would find productive things to do and I would be happy here in Canada. BUT this opp is a great, concentrated way to drop into the Great Commission and I probably won't ever do it again.
I can't quite articulate my thoughts but I know I was hit hard with the notion that I couldn't be doing anything better.
It wasn't the revelation I'd have expected. I wanted God to say, "THIS is why I want YOU to go." I was looking for the specific, "Jesskah Farquharson, YOU specifically should do THIS because of THESE REASONS that are unique to you." Those reasons exist, you know...
But instead He said (a) if you don't go someone else will.
Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."*
and (b) anyone could do it, so why don't you?
It's not like He's telling me I'm one of many and not important to Him as an individual. On the other hand, He knows that it LOOKS that way and that feeling like I don't matter, feeling like I wouldn't make a difference is the perfect (reverse-psychology?) way to motivate me to say, "Oh, oh! I'll do it! Oh, me! Pick me!" Yes, I'm that idiotic.
I told a friend of mine the other day that I was not feeling the rah-rah! excitment of my coworkers about the task that lays before us. He directed me to a few Old Testament friends and asked which of them didn't start their journey full of dread. I take heart in this. I am OK with being dragged kicking and screaming. I guess I'm OK with this because I will be the one doing the dragging.
*Luke 19:39-0
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3 comments:
it's funny to me how you can sit beside someone but not have a clue what's going on in their head. thanks for sharing :)
Hey! Where are you moving to? PS: You're doing STINT this coming year, right? Is that what you were alluding to in this post?
yes, Monica that would be it and...moving? I'm still in Guelph here, m'dear.
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