on the theme of drugs:

Sometimes I feel like you're my sponsor, if we had both been part of some anonymous addictions support group. Although, it's not like I feel YOU were ever part of the group, just me. [Note: tip in power scales; dip in self-confidence/self-worth.]
I imagine tightening rubber hose around my arm and getting ready to pierce my skin when I last-minutely decide to pick up the phone. I tell you and you come over. The hose is still on and the needle's still where I dropped it and I'm staring a hole into the floor.
I look at you and realize that you are definitely NOT an enabler. No you are not. Sometimes I wish you were. Most of the times I'm glad you're not because, without knowing what's actually going on, everyone else in my life, in their ignorance, is passively enabling me. They can't helps it.

Two parts of that story, two tableaux, are the ones that really stick out and make sense to me: the hose on my left arm and telephone in my right hand (I can even see the color of hose - rust? - and my double-knot), and the look on your face as you enter the room - compassionate but completely without pity, partly because you've seen this before and partly because you refuse to enable.


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Sometimes I wonder if I should shoot something hard just so my literal actions will mirror my state of mind. That is, I feel wretched enough to be a drug addict so why don't I just complete the picture? Dangerous and weird thinking, I know. I can't do it, and I won't - there are too many reality-check moments that I would have to blindly wade through to actually do it - but the concept makes sense to me. It's certainly something to ponder.
I wanna be THAT LOW; I wanna be debased...and the horror of coke and heroin seem to make sense here.


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It's something like ironic to think that today was definitely the best sermonly church experience I've had in a long, longue time (in a serious change-yer-life kinda way) and yet here I sit at 21.33 writing about the depths. Well...it's all hypothetical. I'm OK. I'm OK with that. Today has been a good day, I do declare/maintain.
I guess I just needed to expell these brainular images of mine because they mean something to me. I can be thankful for the sponsor in the first scenario (19) and I can be thankful that I have enough common sense to truly know what I want when it comes to narcotics (20). I couldn't go through with it. Couldn't couldn't couldn't. Hmm...I think part of the reason I would resist is to spite myself, as if to say, "Well this is incredibly easy to say YES to...I'm going to go ahead and say NO." It's that danged path less travelled-by/of most resistance which I seem to be so enamoured with.