I Am America (And So Can You!) part 2

* Sports *

"Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the only relevant application of math" (71).

[on steroids]
"Back in the day when sports consisted of little slow guys hitting set shots, bunting, and staging Statue of Liberty plays, the public was satisfied because they didnt' know any better. But now that we've seen huge behemonths with 2% body fat and misshapen foreheads leap over piles of bodies to crush each other's larynx, we can't go back" (73).


* Sex and Dating *

"And did you know that ants have sex? It can't be for procreation--there are plent of ants already" (91).

"If humans should be following anyone's example, it's the tiger. Males and females lead chaste, solitary existences for almost their entire adult lives, until the man decides it's time to have children, spends months tracking a mate without her knowledge, athen with a mighty roar leaps from the underbrush and narles until the female performs a sexy dance. Wen teh male is sufficiently entertained he bites her neck and initiates teh miracle of life, I'm sure in a loving way. Sometimes the most beautiful, intimate connections only occur after a good, long stalking" (92).


* Homosexuals *

"When I married my wife she becam Mrs. Stephen Colbert. Likewise, I became Mr. Stephen Colbert. We went from being two autonomous individuals to a team whose sole focus was winning the game of life" (113).


* Higher Education *

"WAKEUP CALL: Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!" (122)


*Hollywood *

"Studios would pluck promising young actors from obscurity, and with a simple name change and an ironclad lifetime contract larded with morality clauses, turn them into Hollywood legends. Actors like Joan Crawford (born Shprintzel Anatevkawitz) and Cary Grant (born Balgok-Uth, Devourer of Souls) got more than just starring roles in the hit movies of their day" (133).

[this one..the name for Cary Grant made me laugh like a MADman. aaha]

"And you know what? Cut it out with the fundraisers already. Who's getting all that cash? Refugees? Rain forests? Harp seals? If a Harp seal needs money that badly, it should do what I do. I hold a little fundraiser every day. It's called Going to Work" (142).

[EST]