MC: "Welcome to Wednesday in Scotland....it's different from Tuesday..."

This afternoon I witnessed a mild rebuke that made me feel vindicated and then was summarily mildly rebuked myself.

God has been (from quite a distance) been telling me to move further from the extreme of GRACE and closer to that of TRUTH. I have such a hard time of it but I have seen it unequivocally clearly just this afternoon/evening which means no turning back. In means, in the process of God teaching me qqch, that I have reached the point of no return in which I say, "I am committed to getting this, no matter WHAT the cost/pain involved."

My teammate impressed me today with the training session she gave. I have MUCH to think about & sift through and I'm happy about that.

Over lunch I did something unexpected. I finished ("finished") my meal and then my teammate says, "What would your mother say?" which, I am pleased to declare, is a phrase that has NO EFFECT on someone like me -- in the contexts it's usually used in. [Generally it has to do with drink, sex, food, drug, sleep hours...all that. My mother's quite hands-off which, I will be the first to admit, is not a great stance (as an extreme).]
Then he asked about starving children in the world and what they might think. I was hoping that I could ha-ha at the joke and it would stop because if I were to respond honestly, I would rail on him for even bringing up those children or my mother. But I knew he wasn't serious so there was no need to rain so hard. I just smiled to myself and took some deep breaths hoping he had had his fun. But oh no! Oh no.... no, he continued to the point where I decided to scrape up the remaining bits (and then lick some salad dressing up, MUCH to the chagrin of my British contemporaries) because it was the only way to get him to stop talking.
So, la-la-la, that happens and we move on. Then I decide on dessert and leave the table in pursuit. When I come back, both the guys are looking at me funny, as if they've done something terrible in my absense. (It happens.) I thought they'd messed with my bag, coat or wallet - the obvious choices. I kept staring one of them down because his face was more obvious and he was either dekeing me out or didn't care how long it took me to notice what they had done (so he didna try to hide it). I need to mention here that the previous harassment had actually made me a little little annoyed but not to any critical/serious point. I just don't like being bullied is all.
So I continue eyeing him as I push my chair in...then bounce my eyes back and forth between them, scrutinizing. Then I look down at my plate and see they have added some salad bits to my practially pristine plate.
Reading the joke immediately, the first thing out my mouth was "f*** you" directed generally at both of them, blending right into I'm-gonna-smack-you laughter. They laughed a LOT harder than I did, keeling over slightly. As they continued, I took a moment to assess and said, "Wow, I just swore; I'm sorry," and my intonation went up at the end showing genuine surprize at myself. (That's what you call a knee-jerk reaction. Don't read that I'm justifying anything.) As they continue (and I do find their laughter amusing even though I'm not joining them, partly because I'm concerned about whether I've offended them), I say a bit later, "Wow, I can't believe I said that...I must have a lot of pent-up anger," and at that point one of them says, "Yeaaaah, that's probably my fault." Then the other tries to take the blame.

Hmmm.
I haven't sworn in a long time but I know I've been carrying a bit of anger (closer to annoyance and pervasive frustration, really) about for a few days because of some project staff problems (which are related to the aforementioned rebukes - WOW I am using many brackets) and that is why the F was so close to the drawbridge. sigh.


I have enjoyed feeding breakfast to the students these two mornings I have done it. (I enjoy getting better at things.) I see that they are decently satisfied and I see that they enjoy eating with one another.
I thank God for the accomodations we've got for the week. I didn't thank Him when they were first given and I'm ashamed of that. Let all praise be given. -----

I should probably stop there cos I've lost my train of thoughts and this series of posts is nothing if it's not stream-of-conscious.

[EST]