An email I sent earlier this evening.

Ha. Weirdness: conversation with [my boss] just pissed me off BIG time... Then about ten minutes later I considered just leaving it with Jesus. (I think I got there faster cos of the Driscoll preaching I was just listening and have been listening to the past few weeks.)

 It's such a strange thing to think of (because He doesn't deserve it and He's already had so much thrust upon Him that was also undeserved) and GIVING UP HURT IS HARD... But I did it cos I know Him and I know He loves me enough to take it all on. It did peace-give (but gradually, which is good).


Not long after, S____ [the guy I have mentioned before who said it's easier to be miserable than happy] came in and opened with, "Having fun yet?" I said, "Sure," at first and then reneged and told him what had happened. DIDN'T WE CONNECT because I showed I have crappy days and get angry, too?? I think he may have thought I have been pastly fakesmilefakehappyshallow ... And, in his defense, joy in Christ DOES look absurd and sometimes annoying to the world.


Poor guy was a little taken aback by my intensity but he listened well (appreciate!) and appeared empathetic.


:)


I said at a point, "I'm making myself angry again; I need to stop thinking about it." Pause... "How's your day?" (I am prepared for the worst.)

"Hasn't even started yet," he says with no optimism (but little pessimism) as he's leaving.

"Alright.." I'm almost disappointed he can't answer.

"We'll see." Trace of (sarcastic) optimism... "I'll let you know in a few hours." He's usually in twice a day...but never before created or acknowledged continuity between the instances like this.


I appreciate him letting me into his life tiny, tiny.


Eef. Don't know what to expect for later but I'll just be here and be hopeful.


---


The email was sent to the friend who I've talked about this guy with on a few other occasions.  I have expressed to her my sadness and my desire to ...well, essentially to win him over.  I want him to consider the possibility of not being miserable.  That's really how low I'm aiming right now.


Couple weeks ago he was in a foul mood among foul moods.  After he left (without a word), I could only shrug and kinda laugh because he just seemed so impossible. I asked one of his coworkers (who was in line behind him) whether S____ was, "always in such a good mood."  I observed that, "He always seems like someone pissed in his Cornflakes."  The dude laughed and got it. "Especially today, eh?" he adds.

I was relieved to know it wasn't (necessarily) me that was irritating him but also quite disappointed to find he's like that ...pretty much all the time. I wonder if he has pushed many, many people out his life because he's hard to be around.



The following week I added this to a text to the same friend:

P.S. I made S____ tiny smile today, just cos I smiled so friendlyly at him. Tee hee it was so great. I am grateful.
It was funny to see that he was responding to my being happy to see him.  He can see enough of how I interact with other customers to know he gets slight preferential treatment.  (Not preferential like I don't do my job properly but preferential in terms of the my engagement and attention.)  I hope this leads to more comfort and then building of trust.



I don't know how to predict anything ever so I need to just keep on waiting, calmly.