let's go out to dinner tonight.

the last bits of last, last Monday are small.  perhaps they seemed greater in the context of all the other fun stories because of a compounding effect.  I generally don't mind compounding effects that pertain to a good day.

(I've had "blog Monday" on my to-do list for a while..I'm looking for a cheap way to cross something off.)
I realised earlier today that I'm waiting for something to be over so things can get back to normal -- but I have no idea what that something is!  There is no seasonal/short-term thing that I'm in the middle of that has a definite end date.  Not sure what's going on.

I feel so angry right now.  Something happened this morning that resulted in me fuming in silence with a furrowed brow for about 45 minutes.  I did try to argue a bit but ended up leaving because I only felt like punching someone or smashing something.  I don't know how I didn't get a muscle cramp in my forehead, I really don't.  I don't know what made me stop being angry for a while and I don't know why I can't let this thing go. (I do know, actually.... but I ..think I wish I didn't care.)

I don't know how I could have misplaced my Psychology degree as well as my counselor accreditation but I think I have anger issues / an anger problem.  THAT or I just get angry in a different way from others.  Or I don't know how others feel on the inside.  Or I need to own a punching bag and gloves.  OR I need to let my tongue loose immediately so I can express what's angered me.  (sentence fragments...four of them.)


D. Last, last Monday, J__ (a supplier) arrived in a manner similar to the last several weeks.  He comes when I've forgotten I will see him that day.  He walks in and my face explodes into a smile (unless I fight to suppress it because I'm dealing with someone else).  Chemicals rush about that scientists could describe because I'm glad to see him.  I think right before he came in on the Monday in question (now 16 days ago) I was feeling down about something, or feeling small.  He called me "darlin'" at just the right time.  Sometimes he calls me "my dear" (usually when he's leaving) and he also calls my (female) boss that.  [I wouldn't say I missed out on the norm of pet names growing up, but it def wasn't in my household.  So, I guess I hear it more clearly as an adult.]

The darlin' was meaningful to me for whatever reason.  I'm now reflecting on Monday of this week when he asked me (for the hundredth time) whether I'd be there on Thursday morning when next he'd show up.  I told him that I'd be there at 3 and not subtly suggested he show up at that time instead of his usual 9am-ish-ness.  He said maybe he could come late.  I leaned forward (read: full-on 90-degree angle flopped forward -- very unprofessional) and VERY hopefully said, "Really??!!" with big, eager eyes.  He laughed almost apologetically, understanding that he'd gotten my hopes up, and told me he may have been being a bit sarcastic. 

I slunk back to a human standing position saying only, "Oh," to accept the situation and express mild disappointment.  His face of sheepish I-didn't-mean-to-mess-with-you-so-hard was amusing.  I can wait a week.  I took some consolation as I remembered the Ziploc bag to my left that I had been continually reminding myself to not forget while he was working.  It contained two homemade cookies that I wanted to give him. I understand the man has a sweet tooth and I suppose I don't gift him often.  I made sure there were only two in the bag so he couldn't tell me it was too much.

I had predicted correctly: the first thing he said was, "what are you trying to do to me?"  I gave him the brief context but really offered no reason and I think he didn't need one (which is superb).  

He said it would make a great breakfast and I made a sound of disgust while shaking my head.  

He thanked me kindly and then headed out.

E.  Miserable S____ was in on the big Monday -- and of course he was. 

He bought cigarettes and a couple of Red Bull but no Powerade.  My shift had just finished so while I was doing some totals he came round to bug me.  (I actually don't remember if I started it this time or he did but the result's the same.)  I asked why he hadn't picked any sports drinks and he told me it wasn't hot enough out.  He said that he felt cool inside so he didn't need to be cooled down.  (I remember being a little confused by his explanation but I think it made sense..)

I asked, not really thinking about my straight face until after he responded, if he stayed cool because his heart was made of ice.  My face must have been perfect dead-pan because he did not see the dis coming at all and looked like he'd taken a perfect sniper shot through the eyeball.  (A sniper shot of funny to the eyeball of sense-of-humor, of course.)

I can't describe the grin that broke across his face.  It shocked me.... I thought my comment was lame.  He thought it was funny and for some reason found it endearing.  I'm not even sure he mustered a comeback. 

Oh, the grin. 

This is all I have to say about that Monday.  On to the next.