tmi?

Now I learned recently that I may need to renegotiate my perspective on intelligence but I'm still going to make the following statements today.

I really like being intellectually challenged.  I'm not challenged often.  My boss challenges me continuously.  It's wonderful. 

That was a lot of short sentences, the product of sitting and sputtering through several starts to this post, searching for a sensible angle.

Maybe I'm missing opportunities right under my nose.  Maybe they're hidden behind tasks I don't understand and I balk.

Lately I've been confronted with my inability to learn a certain type of new skills.  A friend of mine graciously agreed to teach me to operate vehicles with manual transmission. 

I got frustrated by how I got frustrated. 

It was not a good scene.  ...they were not good scenes.  During the first lesson, after my instructor said I could leave the parking lot, I was in third then fourth on a road just north of the city for probably thirty seconds before I just seized up. I said quietly, "I don't want to do this any more."  I literally didn't know if I meant for that day or for life.

He quickly and gently said, "okay," but sounded confused by what could possibly have changed in such a short time.  "Like, you want to stop right now?"

I felt so dumb, because nothing was outwardly wrong and we weren't in any immediate danger.  The problem was that every time I stalled, every time I did something wrong, every time I failed, I heard in my head someone laugh at me and tell me I was an idiot.  The more I heard this, the more flustered I became and stupid I felt so it really didn't help my concentration and calmness.  It's a miracle I learned anything that day.

After I was able to pull off the road and we switched positions I grew quieter until I was silent.  When my friend put the radio on, I realised the silence was making him uncomfortable so I eked out a couple conversation sparks.  When he dropped me off I had found my Everything's Fine! plastic smile (you know you have one, too) so there was no tension between us. 

I didn't actually realise what'd been going on in my head until after I'd gotten home.  It was happening naturally on the road but when I got home I had to sit down and think through what had put me into an emotional fetal position and was grateful for the opportunity to explain this to my friend later that day.  Explaining it helped me see the absurdity.  It also made me more determined to prove to the two people who had laughed at me in reality when I said I was going to learn stick that I could do it.  It's warped motivation, I know, but it helped and it's better than being pinned.

I had two lessons before I was declared road-worthy and another before I drove in real life.  I learned so I could split a road trip.  My first gig on a highway with a standard car and my first time driving in the United States, I was fine.  I didn't actually think about how to start or where the friction point was or how much gas I was using or what my feet were doing, I just pressed pedals and moved knobs about and we were on the highway.  I did not stall once. 

:)

The second outing I stalled a few times, probably because I was over-thinking.  I yelled a little bit.  I was angry because I just wasn't improving at the pace I wanted to or thought I should be able to.

I am very unaccustomed to chipping away at something for which I have no natural aptitude.

That's the thing I learned over the past seven or eight weeks.  During my second lesson I had a pair of chopsticks sitting in the cupholder.  It dawned on me that that's possibly the last skill I learned that didn't come easily.  I wanted to learn and I suffered through being terrible at it until I got it.  I wanted to be as good at it as I could be (though I had no expectation of being perfect) because I wanted to use chopsticks.  Now, I'm adept.


There's another physical skill I'm trying to learn, too.  I don't really get to practice driving but I can pursue this athletic goal.  I've gone three times since last week and just yesterday I actually saw improvement.  I saw I was controlling my movements better and succeeding more by effort than fluke.  It's sadly such a new feeling for me. 


Several weeks ago my boss was backing up a point about theology by citing Immanuel Kant.  At this junction I mustn't have known he was so bright and not simply knowledgeable and well spoken because I interrupted him, slamming my hands down as I leaned forward on the table: "You understand Kant??"

In my younger days I had tried.  I had given it a decent go but I seriously couldn't get through many full sentences with the slightest comprehension.  (I'm not sure my brain is built for philosophy but who knows?)  So, I was impressed with someone who understood the man's work enough to bring a piece of it into relative context of everyday life conversation.

His return was seamless and reflected an understanding of why I had gawked.  "I teach Kant," he explains and I just lean back and shake my head.  (I think I pulled my jaw off the floor.) 



I like the challenge.  (And no, that Kant mini-tale is not a challenge, it was just a significant moment for me in realising what wonderful exchanges the future might hold.)  But more, I hope that the challenge actually enables me to build mental skill.  I'd be delighted to understand a smidgen of Philosophy (among other things) as it seems to leave me in the dark and I don't think it should.  I think I can get it.