The final countdown: 3 1/2 (I said it!)

Today - now that I'm home - feels a whirlwind of insanity.  I woke up to an email that kicked my ass.

I headed to campus to see if a faculty advisor would sign a waiver that said the third-year English lecture I took last semester would count as a third-year English lecture (no I didn't make a mistake in that explanation).  She printed some sheets, grabbed a sheet, I pulled up a doc and eventually she signed the waiver.  She said she was well at ease doing it.  (I didn't twist her arm.)

I felt elated for a while.  I went downstairs to some other important people to get it officialised and now I wait but I'm well within the 14 September deadline for such a waiver.

Yeah.

So, I get an undergrad degree.

I don't mean to poop on it but I am now having a few questions about why undergrad degrees are important.  For now I'm happy.  I think I'm happiest because it's like I persevered after I failed so miserably at something.  Most things at which I fail, I leave alone.  I actually tend to sweep them under the carpet or bury them in the back yard.  I don't handle failure too well and I hope the HS will teach me how to since I'm just not perfect and failure is inevitable.

I'm glad, relieved, and grateful.  Now to deal with the feedback is a different story but Holy Spirit, I'm counting on You.


Saturday, 8 September.

I went into work to pick up my paycheque.  I was still deciding whether I was going to retract my offer to cover Saturdays til the regular Saturday-er returned in mid-October.  I felt like I was going insane trying to grapple with being around that long.  It seemed so wrong to change my mind like that (and I offered because I know that shift doesn't fit the availability of any other coworker) but the thought of staying is so repulsive.  I donno.

I asked a wise and kind friend of mine for advice.  The email (the one which kicked my butt first thing in the morning, really before I was actually awake) went as follows:

Jesskah, your word is your bond. When you've lost your word you've lost everything. Always say what you will do and do what you say.

You promised five Saturdays [so] you give 5 Saturdays although strictly in the gospel you give 10.

Matthew 5:41-42

Jesskah, I think you have to do it. It's five more weeks to witness wow! What as opportunity!

I didn't want to hear it. I hated it, really.  I resented it.  But I thought about it all day.  I was going to drop into work at 1pm and this was 8am.  I found it quite difficult to read the email and process the information "objectively".  I was trying to hear that God says I should do it.  That it would be BETTER if I did it.  I ....struggled.  Murkiness of a nineteenth-century murder mystery.

Around 9.15, a coworker I was texting told me that two new employees had been hired and my last day was Tuesday.


WOW.  (I wanted to type "hallelujah" there but it sounds weird.)


I am very grateful....but I feel weird not knowing whether I would have kept my word or not.  Jesus knows what I would have done but I don't and it's weird thinking that His mercy was extended at this time.  I was reading about Abraham and Isaac just yesterday and this would be like God saying, "Do not lay a hand on the boy," before Abraham had even headed to the place God told them about. Before he'd gotten the wood and built the altar.  Fascinating.  I don't know what to say.  If this is just a display of His mercy then... I get it.  MESSAGE RECEIVED.

Still, the unknown is weird.  And now it's super easy to say I would have gone through with it.  I would have stayed at that job til the 6th of October.  YUCK.  I .. don't know.  I need God's mercy more than I realise.



At work it was OK with my coworker and I got to chat with a gal at Tims who I've been meaning to nail down coffee with.

My boss said only, "thank you," when I came for my cheque and that's all I said in return.  Every other such Friday he has loads to say.  Something small talk-ish or something work-related.  I think now he's getting sadder because I have three days left.  I don't know.  I need to ask God what He wants me to say to my boss because I think this is a critical time.  I think my boss will still hear me.  I hope he hasn't lost too much respect for me.  There is much to say.