Series: Transparency, History and Identity (Part 7)

Subtitle: butterfly

I need Thee every hour, 

most gracious Lord.
No tender voice but Thine 

can peace afford.

  I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;

  ev'ry hour I need Thee.

  Oh, bless me now, My Savior;

  I come to Thee.

I don't even know that hymn. I sight-read it Monday because I want to advance it in the shortlist queue for our local church's worship services. The melody got stuck in my head and then yesterday afternoon it mobbed me. It has become my only prayer. I'm helpless and desperate.

It's quite odd to feel like I'm stepping onto hallowed ground as I come to blog...but that's how I feel in this moment.

I can't write to you what has happened; I can't tell you about God.

He is so inescapable I'm at a loss for words. I say this almost with fear. (And a faint smile appears on the face of my future self because she knows that she needs much growth in the fear of Him. My present self knows I have been praying for this specifically for the past week.)

He's just big and He looms in. He's nearby, He's close, and He loves. He's creeping into every corner of my life.

But let's leave the wordless today and go back to Thanksgiving Sunday, the day after I had had it all out with the Father. I had told Him what happened to the Princess and I had cried freely for the better part of two hours. And then I went to sleep.

Even though my sleep was short, the next morning I had no trouble getting out of bed because I needed to be with church and was looking forward to the morning worship service. I felt spent and almost wrung out for all the deep, connective emotion that had been pulled out of me. But the Lord was near. He was close. He was with me. I felt like an invalid, but one who was going to be bedridden for a short time, not for life.


It was easy to go that morning. I just went.

I got dressed feeling very soft, tender, fragile, amplified, subdued, overwhelmed, quiet...just everything. When I chose my clothing and as I donned it, I was aware that I wasn't trying to hide my body as I usually do with baggie hoodies and graphic tees. In fact, I was choosing clothes and adopting an attitude that showed confidence in my body. I don't often have it but on that day, it was perfectly fitting. I felt good in my own skin.

My main accessory was a set of three long ribbons, tied around my wrist and left long. This was the second day I had worn them. I had put the bundle together the day before and worn it proudly as an outward expression & reminder of the inward realisation. I wasn't about to wear a crown or a bedazzled t-shirt that read "Princess" (those do exist) but I still wanted something distinctly pretty and non-functional. It was for me but it also needed to be visible because I needed to own it.

Deciding I could use the extra forty minutes of sleep, I elected to call a cab instead of walking. I was very pleased with my choice. Maybe I had hailed a princess' carriage.

I sat in my office to take some literal and figurative deep breaths. I think I felt deeply privileged that morning that it's my [job] to lead God's people in corporate worship. What a gift, such that when I am in a valley, I want to go to work Monday through Friday, and in fact I often pour myself into work more. Thanks be to God.

My boss came in and acted like a friend. We didn't say much because in this spot... words failed. But it was just right, thanks be to God. Thanks be to God who alone enables me to serve Him.

   Selah.

Rehearsal began. I was well prepared, happy to begin, and deeply blessed by the songs and the worship. I felt like each one had had the top three barnacled layers power-washed off and I was looking at these songs afresh. They were robust. The Lord is good. He's so good. 

I remember sitting at the piano feeling small in a good way--feeling small and cozy like I was covered by God's grace and protection. I felt like with me He was pleased. I felt--and I have been biting my tongue on this through the whole post--rather beautiful. I can't explain it. If there is beauty that radiates from peace and restfulness, then that's what was radiating from me, without my consent or effort.

Then there was a short break and Sunday School began. I sat, I think, on the literal and figurative edge of my seat and my bone-dry, heart-and-mind sponge for teaching from the Scriptures soaked and steeped and sat as happily as a pig in mud. I think I was sitting very still in my muted joy.

Then Sunday School was finished and I walked to the front of the auditorium, deciding at the last minute to bear left and talk to the pastor instead of bearing right to remove some things from the stage before service proper began. I figured the pastor would soon have a line of people waiting to talk but the rogue stage items would wait for me.

As I waited for him, sitting on the edge of the stage, I wrapped my ribbons around and around my hand until they weren't dangling at all. He turned and saw me and, with an expression not of "argh, another congregant angling to make a demand of me" but one of "how nice to see you, my friend", he advanced and perched on the stage as well.

Without hesitation, greeting, or a smile (lacking any one of those is rare for me--it was more like I was presenting research), I held out my ribboned hand and asked leadingly, "Do you know why I get to wear this?"

He re-positoned on the stage as if getting more comfortable and answered, "Tell me," with a little almost-smile. 

"Because Jesus did what He had to for me to be counted as righteous as He is and to be in the family." That morning the songs we rehearsed had reminded me of the Truth. It's nice to live in all the perks of being royalty but, as I explained to the pastor, "I wasn't born a princess..."

I broke off feeling the weight of it. My boss said the biggest "no" of instant, knowing agreement that one can. I liked hearing that he had deliberately clipped himself so I could continue speaking.

I told him that the worldview this ribbon represented was my missing piece. I told him THIS was why I had finally been able to break down. Everything was connecting. My experience was being aligned with reality and the alignment was devastating because I am precious. (I can't even write how huge a revelation this has been.)

He watched me so closely and I felt aware of being somehow outside of myself as processed epiphanies rolled off my tongue.

I talked about what I had re-learned that morning through the songs and I felt good [read: settled] that I had remembered I truly don't deserve this status...but if He paid it all and He predestined me, I'm not going to lose the status, either. "That's significant," I remember blurting, finding I had run out of words.

The pastor took his cue and told me about the etymology of the word, that it "sign"-ifies, meaning it points to something else. Yes. I'm a princess only because Jesus is King and Savior.

   Selah.

I think I agreed with him more by my widened eyes and leaned-forward frame, and I said only a breathless, "Yeah." 

It's neat to be with other believers and be able to talk around the edges of the massive things of God without using many words at all. We aren't cutting corners with language, we're purely reverent.

Mini-worship session concluded, we shook hands, parted ways, and set to preparing ourselves for the main service.

I loved that day. I loved feeling close with the Lord and feeling like my tears the night before had actually been right and were good for me. I liked feeling fragile, soft, quiet, and distinctly lighter but I also had this loud, audacious, bright sunbeam of confidence and anticipation bursting out from behind my rib cage.

I need Thee ev'ry hour;

stay Thou nearby;

Temptations lose their pow'r

when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee ev'ry hour,

in joy or in pain;

Come quickly and abide,

or life is vain.

I need Thee ev'ry hour;

teach me Thy will;

And Thy rich promises

in me fulfill.

  I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;

  ev'ry hour I need Thee.

  Oh, bless me now my Savior;

  I come to Thee.

In love he predestined us as his sons and daughters through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will.