I got on with my daily reading in the Word and started preparing dinner. It felt forced and not as rich and lively as it usually does because I was feeling quite closed toward God. I even said aloud, "I don't wanna talk to You," a couple of times when it felt like He was bugging me. Makes no sense... I sit to read His Word because I know it's important and I want it, but I say I don't want to talk to Him. I told Him I didn't believe He was going to make it better. I eventually said aloud that I didn't trust Him because I thought admitting overtly what my choices were implying would be helpful in jolting me onto the right path.
I didn't feel too differently after my admission but had that sadly familiar sneaking suspicion that He was going to win me over VERY soon.
So I read through James and First Peter. I didn't hear all of it but I read it and He poked at my heart here and there. When I was washing my dishes, strains from a song I would have listened to heavily in the years 2000 and 2001 were getting louder in my head. The song had come up a couple weeks ago and also surprised me, what with the huge amount of years that have passed since I listened to it. In fact, I lost the CD before I owned a copy of iTunes so though I occasionally still listen to albums/songs from more than a decade ago, thanks to the magic of the iPod, this album doesn't make it into the rotation.
But the song popped up and I had to listen because the Lord works songs into my subconscious to speak to me. Yes, He does. He does it with Church music and not-Church music. He surprises me. He gets a song into my mind and I just sing along with it before I know it's from Him. It would be incredibly awkward if the Lord stopped being awesome.
I ran the words through a bit but because I was still in peaking-anger mode, it wasn't working on me too much. [I was so angry! I don't think anyone in real life has seen me when I'm like that. Picture Harry (played by the inimitable Joe Pesci) from Home Alone. That. Angry and spewing angry sounds and pacing about and unsettled and bleh.]
So then I remembered that music is a vehicle. I admitted that because the recording isn't as pristine in my head as it once was, I may need to make a trip to YouTube to help me out.
I listened, but I first prayed that the Lord would speak to me whatever He had in that song for me. Because it's not Church music, there would of course be some filtering necessary, but more than that I really wanted to know what specifically the Holy Spirit had for me right then.
Below, I've pulled out the most connective bits. He didn't have the message I expected. I didn't think I was in this spot. But... reading the New Testament these past few weeks has reminded me that love is a big deal, whether I like it or not. So is grace, but that's too big for now.
--
Not sure what else to think. The rest of the evening was a familiar experience, being buffeted by waves of reality-distorting anxiety. It was the cruellest pressing between the most unyielding rock and the most granite-shaming hard place. I wanted rest so badly but I couldn't stop working. It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. I'm never enough. I couldn't stop but I was exhausted. I cried and I prayed and I questioned. I worked and I stopped to borrow David's tone from the thirteenth psalm.
My housemate came home and I couldn't talk. Brief hellos and small talk and I went to my bedroom. She let me. I cried more. Inwardly I'm screaming, "OF COURSE I WANT TO TALK!" but not a word comes out.
I worked until I grew too exhausted to think well. Then I used the excuse that my work wouldn't be very good anyways so sleep made more sense. I was ready for bed--I was in bed--and I thought I would pick up the book I want to finish by Friday but somehow, because I really had completed many important and time-sensitive tasks, and because the waves had stilled, I thought I was allowed to stop.
Somehow I felt I could stop without feeling guilty. And when I stopped I didn't feel guilty. I should have thanked the Lord more. I guess I just didn't expect the stillness to linger. I was afraid to stop working while my eyes were open because when there's no distraction left, that's when the biggest monsters come. What I can ignore all day will snap and growl at nighttime all of its displeasure over being locked up. Like an abused rottweiler, starved, caged, teased, and beaten all day, when the door is finally opened there is much pent up and much to repay...
Sigh. I'm not ready for it. Here's a steak! Look over there! Nice doggy...
Then the morning comes and I snap the cage's lock in place as quietly as I can (the dog is now the exhausted one trying to sleep) and I leave, thinking today MUST be the day Animal Control is coming. They said they'd come.
--
The song, entitled "This I Promise You":
I've loved you forever
in lifetimes before
"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will." (Ephesians 1:4-5)and I promise you never
will you hurt anymore.
"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one." (II Thessalonians 3:3)
I give you my word,
I give you my heart;
this is the battle we've* won.
*I'll consider this plural to include the Godhead because it certainly doesn't include me.
"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." (Colossians 2:13-5)And with this vow,
forever has now begun.
"As for you, see that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and the Father. And this is what he promised us--eternal life." (I John 2:24-5)
I will take you in my arms
and hold you right where you belong;
every word I say is true,
this I promise you.
"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession--to the praise of his glory." (Ephesians 1:11-4)
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