Why Dory is now my hero.

This week has contained many pockets of deep unhappiness and/or deep sadness (not the same thing). I'm struggling with a couple of things and longing for a break or a way out. I'm reading I Chronicles right now but I wish I was reading the New Testament. I WANT TO SEE GOD. I want to see Him, I want to see Him, I want to see Him. 

I know the whole canon of Scripture is inspired and that the LORD is in I Chronicles. But at this point in my faith journey, with my heavy heart, with the thick grey clouds that obscure His face, I'm gagging to read the New Testament. And I want it to leap off the page in new clarity this time. 

It's been a hard week. Lots of stress, not enough sleep, a bunch of tears, not enough open conversations. But then.... but then there's my dear sweet two-year-old ward who can brighten any, any day. A couple months ago she would fall asleep to my singing "You are my Sunshine" and I often wondered if she would let me sing it to her because she knew how I meant it.

This week we went swimming for the first time. She's been before but never with me. I don't remember how many years it's been since I last swum but it seems my hydrophilia has not diminished one bit. It was really a wonderful time and a gem in my difficult week. It's nice that I can enjoy something which is good for me and relatively inexpensive. 

We actually went twice this week and the first time she was not nearly as cooperative as the second. In fact, when I tried to take her shirt off to get the bathing suit on, she protested and cried so much that I had to stop and just hold and comfort her. It wasn't that she screamed or that there were MANY tears but that she cried because I was doing something she didn't want me to, and it very quickly became that kind of silent crying where the kid seems to have forgotten to breathe. I can't look into that face for very long. I just can't. I don't want her to have any traumatic memories of having her will overruled in a callous or gratuitous way. So we stopped, I held her and tried to think of ways to make the prospect of changing clothes (to swim) more attractive.

After about 20 seconds she said "veh" which could mean a few things in her language. She seemed to be pointed behind me so I looked and saw that she had said "fish" because she'd spied her swim diaper. I picked it up to show her more closely and asked something like, "do you like the fish?" or "do you see the fish?" or "is that a fish on your diaper?" to sorta feel out her emotional state. And calloo-callay, a smile broke through. Oh, what a wonderful smile to see as she half-laughed saying, "yeah" because she liked the fish on her diaper. There was something about it that she enjoyed. The smile came through tears but within a few more seconds the tears stopped. B was ready to don the diaper. And she let me change her shirt as well. Thank you, Dory! (Rather, thank You, Lord!)

There were a handful of fleeting moments this week in which I saw and appreciated that we truly are growing closer, I suppose as she grows more cognitively and emotionally complex/able. This brings great joy to me. It's like we're good friends. I like to think that she knows I love her. I like to think she is getting (in spades!) what I didn't get as a child. This child is so well cherished, loved, valued by her parents and grandparents (and myself) that it's a great blessing to witness. It's nice when human relationships aren't 100% awful.

And three other incidents in which I took delight...

--When she was eating raspberries, she put each one on the end of her finger and looked at it or showed it to me before eating it. (This is extra cute because the berries are a perfect fit for her wee finger.) 

--I did some kind of strange shuffle-walk (for a reason I don't remember) when leaving her room and I turn around to catch her copying the way I was walking as she came out of the room behind me. Then she sees herself in the mirror and laughs at herself copying me. I almost died. I love that she's growing so much to appreciate quirky, funny things.

--This last one defies words. She pulled out this book (right) and told me that the big bear on the cover was me and the wee bear was her! ♥ ♥ ♥

You are my sunshine,

my only sunshine.

You make me happy 

when skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear, 

how much I love you

so please don't take

my sunshine away!