I hope I never reach a point in my life where I apologise for loving 90s music. Mariah Carey’s version of “I’ll Be There” is playing in the cafe right now and I’m enjoying it so deeply.
I love my husband. We’ve been married for just over four months and I think we’re very happy. It’s also been gruelling at times—which I add only to have balance in this depiction, not to complain. Both states are a blessing.
Sometimes I’m frustrated that we have so little space in our bachelor apartment. I’m frustrated that I don’t readily know what I could jettison to make space. I like to think there are things that are easily discarded or given away after they are used (e.g. greeting cards, books that I could read) that would help whittle down my amount of possessions while we still live here and I can still organise and root out things that I don’t need or want at all. But I’m not doing a good job whittling, not at all. I’ve had some success and I’m not frustrated all the time. But I want to feel settled. I want to feel like I’ve fully moved in and not like I’m constantly in the way. Other days I realise it’s not that bad. I have one obvious problem area (a suitcase yet unsorted, full of every bit and bob that I didn’t have patience or time to pack or sort properly when I moved out of my former residence), a suitcase that lies on the floor in front of bookshelf, mostly out of the way. Aside from this, it’s the feeling of no wiggle-room in closets, drawers, bins, shelves; or the feeling that things are not optimally stored or organised that weighs on me. I have muttered, “There has got to be a better way to do this,” to myself so many times in the last couple of months. But... I’m also tired most of the time these days. My jobs wear me out, and I’m starting to suspect I have the same throat infection I had a little while ago that was secretly siphoning energy off me for weeks.
And then, sometimes, I think fondly, “I like our cramped little home.” I love my husband, and I love both having and making a home with him. It could be so much worse, so much less comfortable, so much tinier, and I would still be so happy with him. It is our home. Uncomfortable, out of place, frustrated... greedy with material things. I am sure I will struggle with this for a while and I need to ask for God’s help and grace to achieve any real change. But I absolutely love my new home because it is a home with my husband.
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Also heard during the composition of this post:
“Wannabe” – Spice Girls
“Endless Love” – not from the 90s but I still heart it deeply
“My Heart Will Go On” – Celine Dion
“Unbreak my Heart” – Toni Braxton
“Sometimes” – Britney Spears
“God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You” – *NSYNC
“Say My Name” – Destiny’s Child
“Back at One” – Brian McKnight
“How Do I Live?” – LeeAnn Rimes
“More Than Words” – Extreme
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