this one comes from the sixth of October, 2007.
I'm purging my drafts, you see, because I want to have an accurate post count. (Somebody's 400th is coming up.....) That, and I'm a fan of the s*** or get off the pot policy.
It's a quote from some episode of CSI: Miami.
Mrs Williams: You think I’d put my son’s life at risk like that?
Lt. Caine: Don't you mean your step-son? You neglected to mention that, Mrs Williams.
Williams: We're a blended family; we don’t use those terms.
Caine: The problems, Mrs Williams, is that you withheld information and it makes you look implicit in his abduction.
I don't remember the context but I don't think it's relevant enough to go find. Hmm. I don't even know if I actually wanted to blog about this or just record the quote somewhere and this here form happened to be most convenient in the moment.
Anyways.... I felt quite indignant the first time I heard this exchange. (I'm pretty sure I've seen the episode twice now.) What difference does it make? Is really the only "argument" I have right now...it's not even an argument.
I realize that sometimes the STEP or HALF prefix is very obvious in a blending family and the welcome or the evolving just doesn't go well - or goes very slowly. I realize this. BUT, if the woman calls the boy her son, then he's her son!
Blood relations don't mean as much as they used to in our broken world. :(
I mean...blood relations are still valid and strong and legal and empirical, etc. etc. But the only real advantage that a blood relative has over a non-blood relative is...just genetics. If you're royalty, I guess there can be harsher rules. And if you think this opens the door for incest, don't be disgusting.
A mother nurtures selflessly; she watches, bathes, hugs, educates, disciplines, guides, plays, worries, stays up, provides, loves....what difference does it make whether her child came from her own ova? (I've never been a mother so I can't give you a definitive answer yet.) Carrying in the womb for 3/4 of a year might strengthen the bond; it might make you prouder at graduation, I dunno. But blood's not necessary.
Some kids pass away....some parents can't get pregnant...some couples can't be parents...sometimes a blended family is the right kind of family ..or at least the best-case scenario, given ______.
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
s. twain / back-log, build-up
when
What will I tell my kidlets or grandkidlets when they ask me what life was like when my country was at war? I was thinking about a line in a song that says something like, "We're at war with terrorism, we're at war with [this] and [that] but most of all, we at war with ourselves." Mmm, that's "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West for anyone who wants to know. I ...was re-realizing for the half-dozenth time, that a war persists in my lifetime.
Yes, in my arrogant Westerner mind, I know many wars have persisted around the globe during my lifetime but (dot, dot, dot) I'm an arrogant Westerner.
Right now, I don't know anything that's really DIFFERENT different, aside from the things that we talk about and the casualties that we suffer. This is strange to me and I am not quite sure where to go with it.
3 in 2
On Monday I watched Kingdom of Heaven (2005) with my friends who live down the street. It was ...good. The movie kept me quite enraptured and I love that I had no idea what to expect before I started watching. When my friend first told me the title of the film, I got excited, thinking it was the 2007 Jamie Foxx and Jason Bateman gig - The Kingdom. Alas, 'twas not.
I am very interested in the film, just in so many ways and I must say I was impressed by Orlando Bloom's acting. He does pretty well as a leading man.
I was very fascinated by all the things that were true of the time, 1184AD. It was a cool moment when the main character asks, "Where is the place where Christ was crucified," because he was in the right area and wanted to go to the mount. It's crazy to me, just crazy to think that you can ask something so matter of fact and no one says, "There was no Christ," or, "Christianity is a hoax," or whatever.
I enjoyed seeing that not everything about the "early days" was glam, no not at all. I mean sure this is about a thousand years too late for such yay-for-the-early-church-isms but still. It's good to see how brutal life was and how crazy religious divisions and affiliations could be, especially among adherents of the same religion.
There were many things that men said which demonstrated how completely off-base or misinformed or misled or plain wrong they were when it came to Christianity and how they knew God that were pretty heartbreaking. If they weren't heartbreaking they were maddening and I'm not OK with either. After a while it became so much that I wanted to give up. (When I say give up, I mean to stop arguing and stop getting upset in my mind. Any time a wrong-ism comes across my plate, I correct it in my mind, usually as if I were talking to the person who was speaking. But when it seems like EVERYONE is messed up well the situation does look more dismal.) But I couldn't ever actually give up, either because perseverance is where it's at OR complete snap-your-fingers turn-around revival is in order.
7.5/10
On Sunday at around 10 or 11pm, Edward Scissor Hands (1990) came on Bravo! or Showcase. I trust boffadem guys to air films worth watching. On top of this, I realized that I had never actually watched Edward Scissor Hands no matter how familiar with it I seem to think I am. There were like two or three other things that I wanted to watch at that same time but ESH won out because to watch it otherwise, I'd have to go out of my way, so I figured _____.
What can I say? WOW. What a great film.
Wow. I've been missing out. And what the heck - Johnny Depp never changes, does he?
Tim Burton + Johnny Depp + Danny Elfman = great great great combination. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I just adore how they all make sense for eachother. It's amazing. I feel so blessed being able to enjoy their work. (21)
If Tim Burton could just write a book....so many of my questions would be answered. (He has written a book, hasn't he?) Um yea. I want to know what to say about set and costume design. Like why did he use an ice cream palatte? I say that and it sounds like I think it was a bad idea so I demand an explanation. No, it's nothing like that. I'm just so fascinated beyond my own understanding that ...yea. I really don't know what to say. It was awesome. And even though TB has a lot of similarities among his works and a lot of telltale markers, this thing did catch me by surprize in a few ways. Indeed, indeed. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
After this - oh WHAT was I thinking?! - I watched The Man in the Iron Mask (1998) because, well, I love that film. I've def seen it about five or six times but, if I space it out well enough, I can enjoy it every time. There are so many things....
Well firstly, Alexandre Dumas? Brilliant man.
Second, Leonardo DiCaprio? Unappreciated. I've never been let down by his skills and I cringe to think of all his haters.
Third, Gerard Depardieu and John Malkovich...they fascinate me at arms' length. I should do some more investigation into both of them. I appreciate them from where I stand but I know there's so much more to know. (Awwww, wouldn't it be sweet if your romantic partner said that to you? Awwwww.) ahem
Fourth, Jeremy flippin Irons
OH
MY
GOODNESS.
Why is this man so cool? What's up with that? Where did that voice come from? Who would have done a better job of portraying Scar in The Lion King (1994)? Answer: no one. Holy crap, eh? I happen to like the character in this film, too (and I don't know exactly HOW biased I am, but regardless of my Irons affection..). Aramis is one flippin cool cat.
The intensity of the storyline, too, always gets me. Seventeenth-centry France was crazy (I'm sure the whole of Europe was crazy at the time) and scandal and corruption and betrayal and imprisonment and the chasm between classes and birthrights and everything...it simply amazefies me. I'm glad I watched it for two reasons: (1) For all the inbetweeny half-assed reading I had done during this film and ESH, I actually finished the article I was working on and (2) it's just a great film. End of storro.
epiphanies? Again? really? me?
I got a letter in the mail today. It had a big cheque inside, addressed to me. I'm.... boggled, again. [My brain and heart did a few backflips and danced a few dances and then] I realized I was overwhelmed all over again. Out of my mouth came the line, "Of course I'd get overwhelmed trying to do God's work as a mere man." I stopped and then said it aloud to myself again.
Sometimes you just gotta let the heck go.
Mmmm sometimes I need to be re-reminded of the simplest things. What am I doing? What am I doing here in this life?
He um....He takes care and He abounds with patience for which I must be ever greatful. ock
What will I tell my kidlets or grandkidlets when they ask me what life was like when my country was at war? I was thinking about a line in a song that says something like, "We're at war with terrorism, we're at war with [this] and [that] but most of all, we at war with ourselves." Mmm, that's "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West for anyone who wants to know. I ...was re-realizing for the half-dozenth time, that a war persists in my lifetime.
Yes, in my arrogant Westerner mind, I know many wars have persisted around the globe during my lifetime but (dot, dot, dot) I'm an arrogant Westerner.
Right now, I don't know anything that's really DIFFERENT different, aside from the things that we talk about and the casualties that we suffer. This is strange to me and I am not quite sure where to go with it.
3 in 2
On Monday I watched Kingdom of Heaven (2005) with my friends who live down the street. It was ...good. The movie kept me quite enraptured and I love that I had no idea what to expect before I started watching. When my friend first told me the title of the film, I got excited, thinking it was the 2007 Jamie Foxx and Jason Bateman gig - The Kingdom. Alas, 'twas not.
I am very interested in the film, just in so many ways and I must say I was impressed by Orlando Bloom's acting. He does pretty well as a leading man.
I was very fascinated by all the things that were true of the time, 1184AD. It was a cool moment when the main character asks, "Where is the place where Christ was crucified," because he was in the right area and wanted to go to the mount. It's crazy to me, just crazy to think that you can ask something so matter of fact and no one says, "There was no Christ," or, "Christianity is a hoax," or whatever.
I enjoyed seeing that not everything about the "early days" was glam, no not at all. I mean sure this is about a thousand years too late for such yay-for-the-early-church-isms but still. It's good to see how brutal life was and how crazy religious divisions and affiliations could be, especially among adherents of the same religion.
There were many things that men said which demonstrated how completely off-base or misinformed or misled or plain wrong they were when it came to Christianity and how they knew God that were pretty heartbreaking. If they weren't heartbreaking they were maddening and I'm not OK with either. After a while it became so much that I wanted to give up. (When I say give up, I mean to stop arguing and stop getting upset in my mind. Any time a wrong-ism comes across my plate, I correct it in my mind, usually as if I were talking to the person who was speaking. But when it seems like EVERYONE is messed up well the situation does look more dismal.) But I couldn't ever actually give up, either because perseverance is where it's at OR complete snap-your-fingers turn-around revival is in order.
7.5/10
On Sunday at around 10 or 11pm, Edward Scissor Hands (1990) came on Bravo! or Showcase. I trust boffadem guys to air films worth watching. On top of this, I realized that I had never actually watched Edward Scissor Hands no matter how familiar with it I seem to think I am. There were like two or three other things that I wanted to watch at that same time but ESH won out because to watch it otherwise, I'd have to go out of my way, so I figured _____.
What can I say? WOW. What a great film.
Wow. I've been missing out. And what the heck - Johnny Depp never changes, does he?
Tim Burton + Johnny Depp + Danny Elfman = great great great combination. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I just adore how they all make sense for eachother. It's amazing. I feel so blessed being able to enjoy their work. (21)
If Tim Burton could just write a book....so many of my questions would be answered. (He has written a book, hasn't he?) Um yea. I want to know what to say about set and costume design. Like why did he use an ice cream palatte? I say that and it sounds like I think it was a bad idea so I demand an explanation. No, it's nothing like that. I'm just so fascinated beyond my own understanding that ...yea. I really don't know what to say. It was awesome. And even though TB has a lot of similarities among his works and a lot of telltale markers, this thing did catch me by surprize in a few ways. Indeed, indeed. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
After this - oh WHAT was I thinking?! - I watched The Man in the Iron Mask (1998) because, well, I love that film. I've def seen it about five or six times but, if I space it out well enough, I can enjoy it every time. There are so many things....
Well firstly, Alexandre Dumas? Brilliant man.
Second, Leonardo DiCaprio? Unappreciated. I've never been let down by his skills and I cringe to think of all his haters.
Third, Gerard Depardieu and John Malkovich...they fascinate me at arms' length. I should do some more investigation into both of them. I appreciate them from where I stand but I know there's so much more to know. (Awwww, wouldn't it be sweet if your romantic partner said that to you? Awwwww.) ahem
Fourth, Jeremy flippin Irons
OH
MY
GOODNESS.
Why is this man so cool? What's up with that? Where did that voice come from? Who would have done a better job of portraying Scar in The Lion King (1994)? Answer: no one. Holy crap, eh? I happen to like the character in this film, too (and I don't know exactly HOW biased I am, but regardless of my Irons affection..). Aramis is one flippin cool cat.
The intensity of the storyline, too, always gets me. Seventeenth-centry France was crazy (I'm sure the whole of Europe was crazy at the time) and scandal and corruption and betrayal and imprisonment and the chasm between classes and birthrights and everything...it simply amazefies me. I'm glad I watched it for two reasons: (1) For all the inbetweeny half-assed reading I had done during this film and ESH, I actually finished the article I was working on and (2) it's just a great film. End of storro.
epiphanies? Again? really? me?
I got a letter in the mail today. It had a big cheque inside, addressed to me. I'm.... boggled, again. [My brain and heart did a few backflips and danced a few dances and then] I realized I was overwhelmed all over again. Out of my mouth came the line, "Of course I'd get overwhelmed trying to do God's work as a mere man." I stopped and then said it aloud to myself again.
Sometimes you just gotta let the heck go.
Mmmm sometimes I need to be re-reminded of the simplest things. What am I doing? What am I doing here in this life?
He um....He takes care and He abounds with patience for which I must be ever greatful. ock
Sunday, 25 May 2008
on the theme of drugs:
Sometimes I feel like you're my sponsor, if we had both been part of some anonymous addictions support group. Although, it's not like I feel YOU were ever part of the group, just me. [Note: tip in power scales; dip in self-confidence/self-worth.]
I imagine tightening rubber hose around my arm and getting ready to pierce my skin when I last-minutely decide to pick up the phone. I tell you and you come over. The hose is still on and the needle's still where I dropped it and I'm staring a hole into the floor.
I look at you and realize that you are definitely NOT an enabler. No you are not. Sometimes I wish you were. Most of the times I'm glad you're not because, without knowing what's actually going on, everyone else in my life, in their ignorance, is passively enabling me. They can't helps it.
Two parts of that story, two tableaux, are the ones that really stick out and make sense to me: the hose on my left arm and telephone in my right hand (I can even see the color of hose - rust? - and my double-knot), and the look on your face as you enter the room - compassionate but completely without pity, partly because you've seen this before and partly because you refuse to enable.
---
Sometimes I wonder if I should shoot something hard just so my literal actions will mirror my state of mind. That is, I feel wretched enough to be a drug addict so why don't I just complete the picture? Dangerous and weird thinking, I know. I can't do it, and I won't - there are too many reality-check moments that I would have to blindly wade through to actually do it - but the concept makes sense to me. It's certainly something to ponder.
I wanna be THAT LOW; I wanna be debased...and the horror of coke and heroin seem to make sense here.
---
It's something like ironic to think that today was definitely the best sermonly church experience I've had in a long, longue time (in a serious change-yer-life kinda way) and yet here I sit at 21.33 writing about the depths. Well...it's all hypothetical. I'm OK. I'm OK with that. Today has been a good day, I do declare/maintain.
I guess I just needed to expell these brainular images of mine because they mean something to me. I can be thankful for the sponsor in the first scenario (19) and I can be thankful that I have enough common sense to truly know what I want when it comes to narcotics (20). I couldn't go through with it. Couldn't couldn't couldn't. Hmm...I think part of the reason I would resist is to spite myself, as if to say, "Well this is incredibly easy to say YES to...I'm going to go ahead and say NO." It's that danged path less travelled-by/of most resistance which I seem to be so enamoured with.
I imagine tightening rubber hose around my arm and getting ready to pierce my skin when I last-minutely decide to pick up the phone. I tell you and you come over. The hose is still on and the needle's still where I dropped it and I'm staring a hole into the floor.
I look at you and realize that you are definitely NOT an enabler. No you are not. Sometimes I wish you were. Most of the times I'm glad you're not because, without knowing what's actually going on, everyone else in my life, in their ignorance, is passively enabling me. They can't helps it.
Two parts of that story, two tableaux, are the ones that really stick out and make sense to me: the hose on my left arm and telephone in my right hand (I can even see the color of hose - rust? - and my double-knot), and the look on your face as you enter the room - compassionate but completely without pity, partly because you've seen this before and partly because you refuse to enable.
---
Sometimes I wonder if I should shoot something hard just so my literal actions will mirror my state of mind. That is, I feel wretched enough to be a drug addict so why don't I just complete the picture? Dangerous and weird thinking, I know. I can't do it, and I won't - there are too many reality-check moments that I would have to blindly wade through to actually do it - but the concept makes sense to me. It's certainly something to ponder.
I wanna be THAT LOW; I wanna be debased...and the horror of coke and heroin seem to make sense here.
---
It's something like ironic to think that today was definitely the best sermonly church experience I've had in a long, longue time (in a serious change-yer-life kinda way) and yet here I sit at 21.33 writing about the depths. Well...it's all hypothetical. I'm OK. I'm OK with that. Today has been a good day, I do declare/maintain.
I guess I just needed to expell these brainular images of mine because they mean something to me. I can be thankful for the sponsor in the first scenario (19) and I can be thankful that I have enough common sense to truly know what I want when it comes to narcotics (20). I couldn't go through with it. Couldn't couldn't couldn't. Hmm...I think part of the reason I would resist is to spite myself, as if to say, "Well this is incredibly easy to say YES to...I'm going to go ahead and say NO." It's that danged path less travelled-by/of most resistance which I seem to be so enamoured with.
Saturday, 24 May 2008
sweepassing in the hallway
The house manager and I passed each other; I was thinking about how I was going to be leaving soon.
Fourteen feet behind me, he turns and says, "Oh yea and-" (I know this is my social cue to turn around) "- don't be shy about playing the pianos, that's what they're there for." I smile happily at the kindness before the whole thing sinks in and acknowledge, "OK."
We both turn back to our respective directions and he continues, "They build 'em to play 'em," and I'm not really sure if it was to himself or to me but that hardly matters. He has never struck me as the type to ruminate aloud so it probably was spoken more to me than anything and I definitely did a half-turn, thinking I had truncated our interaction but he was definitely walking away.
He strikes me as a jolly man in some weird way...Jolly perhaps for the way he moves, not as much for how he looks. I hardly ever interact with him and I never hear him say much but, from the way he works, the way he listens, the way he responds, talks, writes notes, I get the impression that he is an all around kind person and there's something about that which boggles me and I can't quite figure it out.
When the greatness of what he HAD said did finally sink in, I had a bigger, to-myself smile present itself and I promptly made plans to sit down and drop a song after I clocked out. It's good. Music is good. Random baby grands where you don't expect them are great, too.
Fourteen feet behind me, he turns and says, "Oh yea and-" (I know this is my social cue to turn around) "- don't be shy about playing the pianos, that's what they're there for." I smile happily at the kindness before the whole thing sinks in and acknowledge, "OK."
We both turn back to our respective directions and he continues, "They build 'em to play 'em," and I'm not really sure if it was to himself or to me but that hardly matters. He has never struck me as the type to ruminate aloud so it probably was spoken more to me than anything and I definitely did a half-turn, thinking I had truncated our interaction but he was definitely walking away.
He strikes me as a jolly man in some weird way...Jolly perhaps for the way he moves, not as much for how he looks. I hardly ever interact with him and I never hear him say much but, from the way he works, the way he listens, the way he responds, talks, writes notes, I get the impression that he is an all around kind person and there's something about that which boggles me and I can't quite figure it out.
When the greatness of what he HAD said did finally sink in, I had a bigger, to-myself smile present itself and I promptly made plans to sit down and drop a song after I clocked out. It's good. Music is good. Random baby grands where you don't expect them are great, too.
Thursday, 22 May 2008
Ducolax - Stool Softener (what a pleasant phrase for a dirty thing)
I'm partially pleased right now. I'm disappointed to wake up and find that Victoria Day has deferred my payday but... I will live. I promise I will.
I can't say I thought it would be this way or I would feel this way this morning, I really can't. I'm so discombobulated at the moment I just don't know where to start.
It's good (it's a blessing) to wake up and think you have time. (18) I didn't wake up until 7.26 when I heard a housemate milling around. Part of me was disappointed that I hadn't been the first one up but seeing that I was really only 11 minutes behind schedule, I was OK. And finding the housemate in the shower when I actually got out of my room helped, too. (When I have overnight guests, I have this bad habit of cooking pancakes in the morning.)
When I stepped into the bathroom for a moment, after something was on the grill, I thought to myself, "She doesn't have to leave for work for at LEAST another half an hour, maybe 45 minutes," and since I know she didn't go to bed too long before I did (I believe it was around 1) I concluded: "She must like having time (to get ready) more than sleeping."
Me, I prefer the sleep. Le duh. But on those mornings where I either accidentally get up early or get up on time and something else is pushed back to cut me slack, I find great happiness in having extra minutes to do things like eating breakfast, choosing jewlerry, making my bed, etc. that I really would have liked to have done in my morning but don't mind leaving enough that I'd sacrifice 20 minutes of sleep.
Anyways - I'm starting to get it now. It's all about what you value and what you CHOOSE to have. God gave each of us enough hours in a day and enough responsibility that we can handle so we can definitely chose where we take our breather moments, I do declare. (What complicates this notion is that we are fully capable of taking on more responsibility than we have time or brainspace for - and we can even think God green-lighted it - when we have actually bitten off more than we can chew. Enter Frustration and Burn-out, upstage left.)
Everything's complicated.
I got bit by the Take on the World! bug again last night (it happens pretty much whenever I spend extended time in conversation with a Christian, especially close to the end of the day) and had the same, "Well what do I do with this?" moment last night.
The night before is one thing but the awakened self is often a totally different person. I don't feel different but ...something happens. I don't know what to say. I think maybe I'm too easily thwarted. Anyways, the kids last night they were big talkers. They...said things that I had forgotten over the past little o'while. I ...believe in fresh rememberings.
Here I sit at 8.49am, my house just now empty, trying to figure out what I'm doing today. I am definitely feeling the sleep-a-little-more vibe...But beyond that, what?
I dunno....it's easy to throw in the towel when you convince yourself that you've actually tried. It's easy to humanly expect little from life, little from self and little from God. But what kind of life is that? Where's the victory? Where's the purpose? Where's the glorifying? We should...claim, I think. We should expect much. We should have joy. I'm looking. I'm trying to figure this out.
This is not how I thought I'd feel this morning. But, at least I know that I'm different and I do still have a few pieces in my pocket from last night. The sense that I get (or that I had when I first started typing) is that of capability. It's not that I... feel like I'm invincible or feel like I'm better today or anything else preposterous like that. But rather I KNOW that the things I need and the things I desire are in my grasp AND, seeing that love keeps no records of wrong, today may as well be the first day I started trying. I need to settle into that notion, that yesterday can be written off - cleaved from me. On top of this, I am training myself to re-remember that supernatual things are possible with a supernatural Someone. Time is no real obstacle, je suppose.
I'm leaning forward pretty hard right now.
I can't say I thought it would be this way or I would feel this way this morning, I really can't. I'm so discombobulated at the moment I just don't know where to start.
It's good (it's a blessing) to wake up and think you have time. (18) I didn't wake up until 7.26 when I heard a housemate milling around. Part of me was disappointed that I hadn't been the first one up but seeing that I was really only 11 minutes behind schedule, I was OK. And finding the housemate in the shower when I actually got out of my room helped, too. (When I have overnight guests, I have this bad habit of cooking pancakes in the morning.)
When I stepped into the bathroom for a moment, after something was on the grill, I thought to myself, "She doesn't have to leave for work for at LEAST another half an hour, maybe 45 minutes," and since I know she didn't go to bed too long before I did (I believe it was around 1) I concluded: "She must like having time (to get ready) more than sleeping."
Me, I prefer the sleep. Le duh. But on those mornings where I either accidentally get up early or get up on time and something else is pushed back to cut me slack, I find great happiness in having extra minutes to do things like eating breakfast, choosing jewlerry, making my bed, etc. that I really would have liked to have done in my morning but don't mind leaving enough that I'd sacrifice 20 minutes of sleep.
Anyways - I'm starting to get it now. It's all about what you value and what you CHOOSE to have. God gave each of us enough hours in a day and enough responsibility that we can handle so we can definitely chose where we take our breather moments, I do declare. (What complicates this notion is that we are fully capable of taking on more responsibility than we have time or brainspace for - and we can even think God green-lighted it - when we have actually bitten off more than we can chew. Enter Frustration and Burn-out, upstage left.)
Everything's complicated.
I got bit by the Take on the World! bug again last night (it happens pretty much whenever I spend extended time in conversation with a Christian, especially close to the end of the day) and had the same, "Well what do I do with this?" moment last night.
The night before is one thing but the awakened self is often a totally different person. I don't feel different but ...something happens. I don't know what to say. I think maybe I'm too easily thwarted. Anyways, the kids last night they were big talkers. They...said things that I had forgotten over the past little o'while. I ...believe in fresh rememberings.
Here I sit at 8.49am, my house just now empty, trying to figure out what I'm doing today. I am definitely feeling the sleep-a-little-more vibe...But beyond that, what?
I dunno....it's easy to throw in the towel when you convince yourself that you've actually tried. It's easy to humanly expect little from life, little from self and little from God. But what kind of life is that? Where's the victory? Where's the purpose? Where's the glorifying? We should...claim, I think. We should expect much. We should have joy. I'm looking. I'm trying to figure this out.
This is not how I thought I'd feel this morning. But, at least I know that I'm different and I do still have a few pieces in my pocket from last night. The sense that I get (or that I had when I first started typing) is that of capability. It's not that I... feel like I'm invincible or feel like I'm better today or anything else preposterous like that. But rather I KNOW that the things I need and the things I desire are in my grasp AND, seeing that love keeps no records of wrong, today may as well be the first day I started trying. I need to settle into that notion, that yesterday can be written off - cleaved from me. On top of this, I am training myself to re-remember that supernatual things are possible with a supernatural Someone. Time is no real obstacle, je suppose.
I'm leaning forward pretty hard right now.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare you kidding me??!!! are you kidding me??!?!
This new Hancock film that's coming out...I don't....I don't have words for my excitement. WOOT! I've been wondering when the next Will Smith Independence Day weekend film was coming out.. ahhhh July 2nd, 2008 I will BE THERE with bells on. It's not even funny.
What I can't really deal with is that it looks like and of the main supporting actors is Jason Bateman and uh....Jason and I are pretty good friends. I'm excited.
In other news, I noticed the first obvious bit of CG on the Simpsons during the season finale today. It made me just a little bit sad. Things change, even still.
This new Hancock film that's coming out...I don't....I don't have words for my excitement. WOOT! I've been wondering when the next Will Smith Independence Day weekend film was coming out.. ahhhh July 2nd, 2008 I will BE THERE with bells on. It's not even funny.
What I can't really deal with is that it looks like and of the main supporting actors is Jason Bateman and uh....Jason and I are pretty good friends. I'm excited.
In other news, I noticed the first obvious bit of CG on the Simpsons during the season finale today. It made me just a little bit sad. Things change, even still.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
I can't believe the Simpos have been on the air for 19 years...
That's preposterous.
I also can't believe that the Eastern and Western Conferences are copying eachother. Game 4 for Philly and Pittsburg was fun to watch, I declare, especially the last 40 seconds which seemed to last 10 minutes because of the fighting. The orange sea of fans was CRAZY riled up, especially after the empty netter (which I must admit looked gorgeous) and they kept cheering and banging on the glass which didn't help the players' tempers, I'm sure. They were all frustrated and tired and I guess no one really cared about the remaining minute...I feel like it was 4-on-3 by the end. Anyways, I enjoyed.
Also...that season finale of The Office boggled my mind though I'm not entirely sure why. Well... I know it was just a whole bunch of BIG things crammed into one episode. Just SO much ..and enough to make me realized that the handful of episodes I've missed this season (five or six) is making a significant difference. BUT, with the end of a season, comes the release of a season DVD set so....I figure I can get caught up soon enough. I'm excited.
I don't know why I wanted to write this post but I did. :
Oh, and I love my house. There are so many little things that make it wonderful and I can never keep them all in the same bucket...I just realize them as I go. And if it's not a specific realization, I definitely have an overlying (?) feeling of pleasure for being here. I like it and it's SO RIGHT for me right now. God...God knew, I guess. So many things. I'll make a liszt someday.
I also can't believe that the Eastern and Western Conferences are copying eachother. Game 4 for Philly and Pittsburg was fun to watch, I declare, especially the last 40 seconds which seemed to last 10 minutes because of the fighting. The orange sea of fans was CRAZY riled up, especially after the empty netter (which I must admit looked gorgeous) and they kept cheering and banging on the glass which didn't help the players' tempers, I'm sure. They were all frustrated and tired and I guess no one really cared about the remaining minute...I feel like it was 4-on-3 by the end. Anyways, I enjoyed.
Also...that season finale of The Office boggled my mind though I'm not entirely sure why. Well... I know it was just a whole bunch of BIG things crammed into one episode. Just SO much ..and enough to make me realized that the handful of episodes I've missed this season (five or six) is making a significant difference. BUT, with the end of a season, comes the release of a season DVD set so....I figure I can get caught up soon enough. I'm excited.
I don't know why I wanted to write this post but I did. :
Oh, and I love my house. There are so many little things that make it wonderful and I can never keep them all in the same bucket...I just realize them as I go. And if it's not a specific realization, I definitely have an overlying (?) feeling of pleasure for being here. I like it and it's SO RIGHT for me right now. God...God knew, I guess. So many things. I'll make a liszt someday.
Jeffrey Winterbaum
a whole wack of stuff just happened in a short moment a second ago and then when the dust started to settle I said in my head,
"Really, God? Really?" in a very...let's say acerbic* way.
I'm sitting here at a computer that doesn't belong to me in a place that isn't as close to my house as I would like it to be trying to figure out something that SHOULD be easy, that I have piled up all my energy and patience to attack and finding myself frustrated upon frustration. (Why isn't this working??!? Why can't I do things right the first time? What took me so long?)
Then I realize that I'm getting absurdly tired - absurd for HOW tired I am, as well as what time of day it was and how much I slept last night. Then I wonder what is wrong with me since I've been hit by this same wave of tiredness the last three afternoons. Then I start wondering if this is an inkling of something some people call depression. I've never quite been convinced and I honestly don't want to go down that road again. I don't. The road of consideration, that is.
HmmMMMMmmm.
So I think about getting some food either from my bag or the vending machine to distract myself and even possibly boost the energies. (I think maybe I could have just done with a break from this compy screen and sitty position. I'm looking forward to the hockey game tonight.) I didn't really feel hungry...and eating on campus often makes me think I should just "go home anyways" which is dumb and deluded.
I'm feeling beat and beaten and a little slouched here.
Then a girl walks up to me, waving and high-pitchedly saying hello and I prepare myself to put on the Nice face. :)
I have a Nice face sometimes. It's not fake, just temporary...sifted, if you will.
I look up and it takes me a moment to recognize - or even to focus on her facial features as something more than a blur (what's WRONG with me??) - and I do realize that I must have looked ridiculous in that split-second, trying to get my bearings and all.
She asks what I'm studying, I close the coiled notebook and show her that it's Ministry Partner Development LITE. She gets excited and asks if I'm staff or joining staff. I tell her it's short-term. She asks where I'm going; I say l'Écosse and she says it'll be exciting. I tell her either, "I hope so," or, "I think it will be," (as if I'm some kind of expert). [I'm having a shapeless Gordon Korman flashback in this moment.]
She tells me to send her a letter, "I can't [give] you much but I'd like to," and I say, about 1.5 seconds behind, absorbing her words as I'm responding to them, "Sweet - sounds great."
She looked a little confused, maybe because she was aware that I hadn't comprehended what she was saying right away. Perhaps my general BLAHness was showing through. It's either that or I looked like a snob at her "not much." I'm not. I snob nor snub no one. I do not.
I love....I love the initiative. I love it.
I love that I barely know the kid but she wants/
to give.
It's cool.
In the next moment I'm only half processing it, figuring whether it'll be an electronic or regular post letter she receives (I hope for the latter) and then I realize how profoundly humbling and wonderful this is. THEN I'm realizing that God....probably? God probably chose that exact moment for this random kid to walk up to me, just when I was trying to throw in the towel. I'm not sure if I'd have actually done it (I'd like to think not because today is a WEIRD day) but it's good to be blind-sided in this way.
God, is this Your way of telling me, "YES, I want you to go, just ACCEPT IT already!"? Is that what You're trying to say? My skull is thick, what do you want from me?
*2. harsh or severe, as of temper or expression
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/acerbic
"Really, God? Really?" in a very...let's say acerbic* way.
I'm sitting here at a computer that doesn't belong to me in a place that isn't as close to my house as I would like it to be trying to figure out something that SHOULD be easy, that I have piled up all my energy and patience to attack and finding myself frustrated upon frustration. (Why isn't this working??!? Why can't I do things right the first time? What took me so long?)
Then I realize that I'm getting absurdly tired - absurd for HOW tired I am, as well as what time of day it was and how much I slept last night. Then I wonder what is wrong with me since I've been hit by this same wave of tiredness the last three afternoons. Then I start wondering if this is an inkling of something some people call depression. I've never quite been convinced and I honestly don't want to go down that road again. I don't. The road of consideration, that is.
HmmMMMMmmm.
So I think about getting some food either from my bag or the vending machine to distract myself and even possibly boost the energies. (I think maybe I could have just done with a break from this compy screen and sitty position. I'm looking forward to the hockey game tonight.) I didn't really feel hungry...and eating on campus often makes me think I should just "go home anyways" which is dumb and deluded.
I'm feeling beat and beaten and a little slouched here.
Then a girl walks up to me, waving and high-pitchedly saying hello and I prepare myself to put on the Nice face. :)
I have a Nice face sometimes. It's not fake, just temporary...sifted, if you will.
I look up and it takes me a moment to recognize - or even to focus on her facial features as something more than a blur (what's WRONG with me??) - and I do realize that I must have looked ridiculous in that split-second, trying to get my bearings and all.
She asks what I'm studying, I close the coiled notebook and show her that it's Ministry Partner Development LITE. She gets excited and asks if I'm staff or joining staff. I tell her it's short-term. She asks where I'm going; I say l'Écosse and she says it'll be exciting. I tell her either, "I hope so," or, "I think it will be," (as if I'm some kind of expert). [I'm having a shapeless Gordon Korman flashback in this moment.]
She tells me to send her a letter, "I can't [give] you much but I'd like to," and I say, about 1.5 seconds behind, absorbing her words as I'm responding to them, "Sweet - sounds great."
She looked a little confused, maybe because she was aware that I hadn't comprehended what she was saying right away. Perhaps my general BLAHness was showing through. It's either that or I looked like a snob at her "not much." I'm not. I snob nor snub no one. I do not.
I love....I love the initiative. I love it.
I love that I barely know the kid but she wants/
to give.
It's cool.
In the next moment I'm only half processing it, figuring whether it'll be an electronic or regular post letter she receives (I hope for the latter) and then I realize how profoundly humbling and wonderful this is. THEN I'm realizing that God....probably? God probably chose that exact moment for this random kid to walk up to me, just when I was trying to throw in the towel. I'm not sure if I'd have actually done it (I'd like to think not because today is a WEIRD day) but it's good to be blind-sided in this way.
God, is this Your way of telling me, "YES, I want you to go, just ACCEPT IT already!"? Is that what You're trying to say? My skull is thick, what do you want from me?
*2. harsh or severe, as of temper or expression
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/acerbic
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
mordechai
What shall we say about the fact that within two minutes of eachother, two friends told me they pray for me regularly (unsolicited-like)?
What shall we say then...?
One thing I know I'm looking forward to:
Wearing a dress that perfectly matches my husband's tie when we attend a wedding together. O glorious day.
What shall we say then...?
One thing I know I'm looking forward to:
Wearing a dress that perfectly matches my husband's tie when we attend a wedding together. O glorious day.
Sunday, 11 May 2008
where hath my appetite gone?
Today at my good friends' wedding I realized that I need to be more patient. I'm sure I've had this revelation before, at other weddings but it sunk in quite well this time. It's a raising of standards, too. I realized what I don't have and what I want...I realized that I truly do want to wait for the right guy and the right time. I can't stress the truly do part of that desire enough.
In other news, I really don't understand why I haven't been eating properly lately and why yesterday and today have been almost void of and appetite. What the deal?
I know I'm lazy and that moving house has tricked me into thinking there's "nothing" in this place so maybe I'm just getting sick of walking into the kitchen and being exasperated. Truth? If I'm hungry enough I will find and make something out of nothing. Apparently I'm not hungry and I don't know why.
Last time I felt like this it lasted a few weeks; just as long as my influenza friends thought it was funny to stick around in my system. THAT'S understandable. Else? I've lost my appetite when I was mentally distraught either in an instant by someone who's trying to get on my nerves and succeeding more than they realize OR by a situation that creeps upon me and accosts more of my faculties than I am accustomed to doing without. I've also lost my appetite because of a boy but.... then my stomach's filled with les papillions which has not been the case these past few days. (Otherwisely, it's quite Similac.) I wonder.
Bed!
In other news, I really don't understand why I haven't been eating properly lately and why yesterday and today have been almost void of and appetite. What the deal?
I know I'm lazy and that moving house has tricked me into thinking there's "nothing" in this place so maybe I'm just getting sick of walking into the kitchen and being exasperated. Truth? If I'm hungry enough I will find and make something out of nothing. Apparently I'm not hungry and I don't know why.
Last time I felt like this it lasted a few weeks; just as long as my influenza friends thought it was funny to stick around in my system. THAT'S understandable. Else? I've lost my appetite when I was mentally distraught either in an instant by someone who's trying to get on my nerves and succeeding more than they realize OR by a situation that creeps upon me and accosts more of my faculties than I am accustomed to doing without. I've also lost my appetite because of a boy but.... then my stomach's filled with les papillions which has not been the case these past few days. (Otherwisely, it's quite Similac.) I wonder.
Bed!
Saturday, 10 May 2008
I love that I could see the leaves perk up 10 minutes after a glass of water. :)
Why is today so stupid?
Why was yesterday so awesome and today the equal and opposite reaction to it? I suppose it's not a causal relationship, no. That was a fast drop.
And it seemed to happen in just a moment. 8.30 til ~2.30 was OK and then something turned. What gives? What gives??
I hate this. And I definitely hate flip-flopping. I really thought I was onto something. Thank God for the little graces. I pray God for a better tomorrow....And for a better me.
Why was yesterday so awesome and today the equal and opposite reaction to it? I suppose it's not a causal relationship, no. That was a fast drop.
And it seemed to happen in just a moment. 8.30 til ~2.30 was OK and then something turned. What gives? What gives??
I hate this. And I definitely hate flip-flopping. I really thought I was onto something. Thank God for the little graces. I pray God for a better tomorrow....And for a better me.
Friday, 9 May 2008
I don't think I have a childhood imagination
9.44am my brother calls, asking for $25 because he's stranded at Union station.
11.17am my brother calls about mother's day.
2.44pm my friend (future co-MC for a wedding) calls to iron out some details.
3.23pm my good friend calls to check in (we had an accountability deal).
3.38pm my friend-of-friend-now-friend texts to confirm a phone date.
4.55pm my friend, former housemate, calls to tell me she got into the grad school of her choice.
5.26pm my crunchy friend calls to say YES, she'd like dinner.
6.33pm my I-don't-know-how-we-became-friends friend calls to ask where my house is.
10.44pm my friend-of-friend-now-friend calls to catch up.
It's been a great day
and all of those things above only contributed about a quarter. I am pleased. I wish I had brain space and energy to say more.
11.17am my brother calls about mother's day.
2.44pm my friend (future co-MC for a wedding) calls to iron out some details.
3.23pm my good friend calls to check in (we had an accountability deal).
3.38pm my friend-of-friend-now-friend texts to confirm a phone date.
4.55pm my friend, former housemate, calls to tell me she got into the grad school of her choice.
5.26pm my crunchy friend calls to say YES, she'd like dinner.
6.33pm my I-don't-know-how-we-became-friends friend calls to ask where my house is.
10.44pm my friend-of-friend-now-friend calls to catch up.
It's been a great day
and all of those things above only contributed about a quarter. I am pleased. I wish I had brain space and energy to say more.
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
avant minuit
Stephen....Stephen, how I have missed you!
I decided a while ago that I needed to go off my Colbert diet.... I don't really know how I lost patience with him....I think part of it was the time I watched three of the same episode in the same day (they air like that on different channels). And another part of it is knowing that he is so much more famous than he was when I first met him and that's somehow a turn-off.
Anyways, I chose to watch the show last night (chose over a different émission) and this is one of my flavorite lines:
"Donkey Kong?! Oh sure, it's OK when a gorilla does it but when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime."
I decided a while ago that I needed to go off my Colbert diet.... I don't really know how I lost patience with him....I think part of it was the time I watched three of the same episode in the same day (they air like that on different channels). And another part of it is knowing that he is so much more famous than he was when I first met him and that's somehow a turn-off.
Anyways, I chose to watch the show last night (chose over a different émission) and this is one of my flavorite lines:
"Donkey Kong?! Oh sure, it's OK when a gorilla does it but when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime."
Monday, 5 May 2008
four years to the day
On 5th May 2004, I moved out of my mother's house for good. It's a weird anniversary but I'm a fan of celebrating rando things, I really am.
What I Realized on Sunday:
One of the chansons that we sang that morning a l'eglise made me ask myself, "What would you be doing instead?" When 40% of me still doesn't want to go away, I am constantly searching for that one "Aha" moment that will tip the scales. I wish I could remember the line..I know it was the last two of a verse but..the words elude me. The point is that I don't really have anything better to do with my eleven months starting in August. Serious.
YES, I would find productive things to do and I would be happy here in Canada. BUT this opp is a great, concentrated way to drop into the Great Commission and I probably won't ever do it again.
I can't quite articulate my thoughts but I know I was hit hard with the notion that I couldn't be doing anything better.
It wasn't the revelation I'd have expected. I wanted God to say, "THIS is why I want YOU to go." I was looking for the specific, "Jesskah Farquharson, YOU specifically should do THIS because of THESE REASONS that are unique to you." Those reasons exist, you know...
But instead He said (a) if you don't go someone else will.
Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."*
and (b) anyone could do it, so why don't you?
It's not like He's telling me I'm one of many and not important to Him as an individual. On the other hand, He knows that it LOOKS that way and that feeling like I don't matter, feeling like I wouldn't make a difference is the perfect (reverse-psychology?) way to motivate me to say, "Oh, oh! I'll do it! Oh, me! Pick me!" Yes, I'm that idiotic.
I told a friend of mine the other day that I was not feeling the rah-rah! excitment of my coworkers about the task that lays before us. He directed me to a few Old Testament friends and asked which of them didn't start their journey full of dread. I take heart in this. I am OK with being dragged kicking and screaming. I guess I'm OK with this because I will be the one doing the dragging.
*Luke 19:39-0
What I Realized on Sunday:
One of the chansons that we sang that morning a l'eglise made me ask myself, "What would you be doing instead?" When 40% of me still doesn't want to go away, I am constantly searching for that one "Aha" moment that will tip the scales. I wish I could remember the line..I know it was the last two of a verse but..the words elude me. The point is that I don't really have anything better to do with my eleven months starting in August. Serious.
YES, I would find productive things to do and I would be happy here in Canada. BUT this opp is a great, concentrated way to drop into the Great Commission and I probably won't ever do it again.
I can't quite articulate my thoughts but I know I was hit hard with the notion that I couldn't be doing anything better.
It wasn't the revelation I'd have expected. I wanted God to say, "THIS is why I want YOU to go." I was looking for the specific, "Jesskah Farquharson, YOU specifically should do THIS because of THESE REASONS that are unique to you." Those reasons exist, you know...
But instead He said (a) if you don't go someone else will.
Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!"
"I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."*
and (b) anyone could do it, so why don't you?
It's not like He's telling me I'm one of many and not important to Him as an individual. On the other hand, He knows that it LOOKS that way and that feeling like I don't matter, feeling like I wouldn't make a difference is the perfect (reverse-psychology?) way to motivate me to say, "Oh, oh! I'll do it! Oh, me! Pick me!" Yes, I'm that idiotic.
I told a friend of mine the other day that I was not feeling the rah-rah! excitment of my coworkers about the task that lays before us. He directed me to a few Old Testament friends and asked which of them didn't start their journey full of dread. I take heart in this. I am OK with being dragged kicking and screaming. I guess I'm OK with this because I will be the one doing the dragging.
*Luke 19:39-0
Saturday, 3 May 2008
My brother (21) and my cousin (15) looked great in their suits.
Black with white-cornflowerblue-white pinstripes with a metallic grey shirt; diagonal grey, black and thin cornflower striped tie --
Charcoal grey with white pinstripes with pale lavendar shirt; deep purple and black diagonal tie --
I appreciate. I love it.
Last time I was at a family funeral I was maybe 12 or 11 years old and I don't remember much at all. The woman was my grandfather's aunt ...I'm not sure I ever even met her.
Anyways, I appreciated the lightness of mood. I didn't feel as ________ as I did last time. I love my avuncular second cousin. He is awesome and he really is my mother and aunts' brother...like it.
final remarks:
a kid on the bus (15-years-old?) said that he kept those travel one-pack Vitamin C tablets on his person because they speed the body's intake or reaction to Ecstasy.
Charcoal grey with white pinstripes with pale lavendar shirt; deep purple and black diagonal tie --
I appreciate. I love it.
Last time I was at a family funeral I was maybe 12 or 11 years old and I don't remember much at all. The woman was my grandfather's aunt ...I'm not sure I ever even met her.
Anyways, I appreciated the lightness of mood. I didn't feel as ________ as I did last time. I love my avuncular second cousin. He is awesome and he really is my mother and aunts' brother...like it.
final remarks:
a kid on the bus (15-years-old?) said that he kept those travel one-pack Vitamin C tablets on his person because they speed the body's intake or reaction to Ecstasy.
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