What an incredible feeling, to be so loved.

Today, some of my friends showed me how they loved me. Today has been an incredible day.

I'm so afraid of writing this post because I am SURE that I cannot do such a "day" justice. What's worse, I don't think the GOOD parts of this day will seem as good with out the context of the BAD parts of this day but...I don't really want to talk about the bad parts because, well, I'm ashamed of myself.

This morning I first woke up at 6.44 am because someone left the house noisily (this is not a complaint but rather a fact). I stayed up til about 7.15 doing some stuff on the computer then had big plans for snoozing til 8 because I wasn't actually so tired that I couldn't see (as I normally am at that time of day) and I liked the idea of getting an early start on a day that was set to be rather busy.
My friend called at 9 to say she was a-ready and available to come over and help me with moving but that she didn't have the car. I had neglected to mention, when I asked for her help, that I was hoping to use the wheels. My bad. So, out of stupidity or childishness but certainly disappointment, I listened to her voice mail but kept on sleeping, claiming I would get up round 9.30.
I ignored a call from my support coach at 10.30 which I KNEW was going to come at 10.30 and said I would just go get showered n' whatever and call her back, ideally before 11am.
I didn't actually get my life out of "bed" until about 12.30.
BLECCCCH.

I hate waking up late. It makes me feel incredibly disgusting and self-loathing. Then I had to call people back. I actually had to face those two and tell them why I hadn't kept my word. I hate this. When I start a day off crap, I always want to continue in my firstly hours all by myself, so I can work through things. (I'm yet unsure whether this is a good or bad thing.)

I called my moving friend back and we discussed our miscommunication. Then she told me about a few things that she had been working through (largely thanks to Mere Christianity...oh C.S. Lews, you obedient man, you) and we had an awesome discussion about it. Like it was animated and personal; iron sharpening iron; confess your sins to one another, just all around good. I'm far better with her on the telephone than I am in person - go figure.

How is it
or rather,
why is it
that the people I know, a fair chunk of them, respect me?

Why do people...talk to me like I'm ...not a pile of uselessness? How cuz no one sees me the way I do? What's wrong with me?

Today I had a moment of transparency with a friend who I never thought I would have one with. I did feel a little embarassed for what I was saying (rightly so because it was dumb) but WOW what an incredibly freeing feeling to know you're being full-on open and honest, vulnerable, holding nothing back and leaving yourself WIDE open to being rejected. It's good. I have recently taken to prefacing such confessions with, "I'm just gonna have a moment of transparency here," or something to that effect just so my listener can pick up what I'm putting down. He took it well. But he also didn't fawn all over me or give me cheap affirmation. It was good. ... But I've slipped out of my chronology here....


So after with her, the moving friend, I went downtown to deposit some cash. I....don't believe God sometimes, I really don't. I didn't even ask Him for help this time because I was prepared to keep on squeaking by as long as I needed to until I wasn't squeaking. I've had about $25 since Monday (my account went into the red, thanks to a cheque I forgot about) and I have no idea how far it would have lasted. It's one thing to just eke by but it's another to try to do ministry/support raising, esp when I need to leave town this weekend. I'd have been somewhat miserable, I promise you.
This afternoon I find a lovely friend of mine has given me a random ("random") gift to help with my non-ministry ministry expenses. I'm...amazed. It's just so random. And honestly, this time I kept my bank balance all to myself because really - there are only so many times one can play the same sad song. But He saw it. He saw what I needed and He provided and I'm disgusted by my own unbelief. I'm disgusted with how oftenly I try to go my own way.
On Friday or Saturday of last week I asked Him straight-up to humble me. (I ask for that every now and then because He delivers, oh yes.) I think this is just Phase One.

When I came home, I ate delicious Olivieri tortellini (mmm!) and watched half the bonus disc from the Die Hard box set which also made me happy. Then I decided to practice my vision/calling/support presentation because I'm tired of fumbling through it and doing a medoicre job. It's unfair to those I meet with and it causes me more distress than I am prepared to accept.
It took me a very long while and one HUGELY immoral distraction to finally get down to it but I got down to it. All the while I was waiting for my self to catch up with myself, I half prayed, "God, help me with this. God please make some kind of miracle...God, help me to focus." It wasn't even easy when I did start speaking aloud but it got better. I fine-tuned and re-worked; I felt good about it, my short-term memory was playing nice..it was an awesome experience that I think I'll stop describing.
I'm reminded now of part of the conversation I had with my moving friend earlier on today. We talked about the principle which says, what you feed lives and what you starve dies. What's key about this phrase is its graduality. It means that the seemingly unconquerable IS conquerable IF you are committed and consistent. By the grace of God, we're not stuck in an all-or-nothing obstacle course. You don't starve something by withholding one meal but neither do you undo a three-months-empty stomach's work by slipping in a snack. NO, it doesn't help you but neither is it the end of the world. I like this. I enjoy (on some level) the gritty up-hill climb of beating sins or side-thorns such as these.

Today and in the past few days I have asked God to give me a passion for sharing my vision. I want Him to make this simpler for me, to give me a proper motivation and direction. I didn't realize until this moment that the reason that BOTH of my support appointments this evening went so swell-ly was that I was through every part of me enjoying just talking about the things of God, the things of ministry and the things of life. I worked hard on being ready to give to proper presentations today and when I asked my audiences what format they'd prefer, both rather [confidently] chose the "informal" and I breathed a sigh of relief with a silent thanks. Twas good.

I can't overstate the joys of wearing a bra that fits and stays where it should. Today I wore such a bra. Oh, what a glorious feeling.

Today I got a call from my friendy friend who just wanted to say hello. Nope, the exact words were, "I was just looking for a voice on the other end of the line," which isn't actually as desperate or cheeseball as it sounds. The point was that it wasn't a business or direct-question kind of call, just a hi-hi. I like those kind of calls.
I enjoyed the moment where he asked what I was doing and I said, "icing a cake!" There was definitely an exclamation point at the end and then I told him after he said "oh" or whatever, that I was, "so happy that I could say that and actually mean it. 'I'm icing a cake!'" hahahaa
(What's more, the cake turned out famously and was thoroughly enjoyed by my birthday-having friend.)
He got back yesterday and we talked briefly. I should have been more excited since he's been gone for a while and I DID enjoy seeing him but wasn't...overly ecstatic or any such thing. And I got the distinct impression that I needed to give him some breathing room. Here's the fun part - he asked if I wanted to play Scrabble (tomorrow). HOW NERD IS THAT??? Hahah of course I said yes. Of course. And then he said I could use his car to move house tomorrow. So...that was a great conversation.

I packed up the cake and headed over to sup appt number one. I was told there would be tea so I figured that a sweety dessert would be a nice accompaniment. Then I figured a cake would work since his berf day had just passed. It worked well. He loved it..I loved it...the tea was awesome, actually from Darjeeling in India..free-floatin leaves..no sugar. It was really good. This is the moment I realize with some sadness how much I have missed out on all these years I've boycotted tea. Hmm....:(
We talked about many many things and I realized that we had a real friendship. I realized that we weren't mere acquaintances and that this wasn't a business meeting. I realized that he didn't only see me as his number one fan (which I am -- he's a REWDE musician) which is rather freeing. I don't mind being only only a fan because shoot...that's some good music. But it's cool to have more than one dimension.
There were a few moments where his face changed enough to show that he was more than passionate about what he was saying. It wasn't like, "Ooh I love this," kind of passion but rather, "This is what unnerves me," and I really appreciated that. He was talking about something that, potentially, could have been very offensive to me OR at least flown in the face what I believe....but it was not offensive or abraisive at all. I was very pleased to hear all that and see his conviction. I rebutted, I agreed, half-agreed, clarified, connected, related, etc.; vouched, admitted and basically showed where I stood. It was....awesome. I really enjoyed myself, especially in that moment where I stopped talking and looked at him to see him take a half a moment to click back into reality, "Yeah. ...Yeah, I appreciate what you just said." Oh, how good it is to connect. I am...blessed beyond repair. (27)
Lastly, the way he talked about prayer moved me. It shocked me into speechlessness briefly. I guess the truth is that I didn't realize this about him so I was genuinely surprized. Moreover the commitment he made to fasting and praying for me, the assurance he gave me that any issue or spiritual warfare or whatever that I shared would be taken to heart and interceded for was ..breath-taking. [I've sat for five minutes trying to come up with a better word but I give up.]

My other support appointment was enjoyable in a similar way, that I got to have a real conversation with someone I very rarely talk with, never at length and um...the hot chocolate was delightful. We talked about many things, too, and we connected over frustratious things (like the heart-break that comes with family or close friends going through crap when you CAN'T INTERVENE) and had some rando laughs. I really enjoy her father-in-law whom I hadn't met til today. Him and his son, her husband, are ridiculous together. The wife/mother/mother-in-law says, "They two of them together never age past ten." It was a great way to put it. Just delightful to watch. I enjoyed.


Before I went to this second appointment, I found that my partnership director and his wife wanted to support me for Scotty which..I find myself humbled by. (Phase Two?) He wrote it coupled with his response to an email I had written about some silly conviction of mine. I felt weird writing it. I knew what I meant and what I was sure about but it certainly could have looked preposterous or even pretentious. I can only hope it found him well.

When I got home tonight I found another gift toward support and...well...I stared at my computer screen for maybe five minutes as I tried and tried and tried to process. I had my face down in my hands off-and-on..I could only stare. I forced myself to move on (but I'm still boggled).
I've talked to this person oftenly enough to know just how SNEAKY of a contribution this was. I can't put it into words. You gotta know the friendship and this person to get it. I suppose what gets me is that I know how well they know me. I know that this is an, "I support you," statement. Understand that I understand it's not about me. That being said, I'm overwhelmed and humbled - yet again. (Phase Three?)

And now it's 2am. I've been typing for the better part of three hours and I think I've come close to expressing what I wanted to express. The moral of the story is: God is good. What's more, I had a moment while I was typing where I didn't cringe at the name Jesus. That's a good moment.