You have no idea.

You have no idea how much joy you bring me, just to see you and be near you. You have no idea, my tiny ward, how much I care for you and think of you when we're apart. You are a gem in my life.

Today I asked you to do more than I normally do, more than was really easy for you. You were in the car for a thirty-minute drive to a nearby town, to drop a friend off, and in the car again for the thirty minutes back. We stopped on the way there to be sure you wouldn't be sick, I made sure you had your afternoon snack, and gave you a few toys to play with.

But on the way back, because you were so chipper on the way there, I thought we might make the whole trip without stopping. Around 20 minutes you started to sound annoyed and frustrated, maybe because you were bored now. We were only 10 minutes from home! But five minutes later you were close to tears and because these were abnormal expectations I had put on you and not a matter of you being disobedient or learning discipline, we pulled over.

How happy you were by the time I got to your side of the car! How happy you were. Your little eyes sparkled and your fantastic grin beamed at me. Out you came and it seemed the grumpies stayed inside the car.

I held you like I usually do, high up on my left side so that we are almost eye-to-eye. I'm watching your face and periodically smooching your cheek and shoulder. You're looking out across a mostly empty parking lot, rather serious, trying to take it in. Then you point at something (the tree? the wood chips? the car? I have no idea) and make your little high-pitched attempt at talking. I don't know what you mean or want but I'm happy that you're happy.

Then we slip into the store and buy some apple juice because I have no other water, juice, or milk left in the car and it's hot out and I want something to soothe you for the last ten minutes.

You're so happy to hold the Minute Maid bottle (because it's something new and I was holding it) but I don't even know if you realise what it contains. I wonder if it's too soon to return you to your car seat, if you will decide this break is too short and then throw a proper tantrum. So..we sit in the driver's seat and you love it! I love watching your face light up with new discoveries. I love watching your face light up when you're allowed to have something you really want but didn't think you'd get. Lots of buttons to press or just touch, and plenty of things to point at and coo about. Hoping to soon transition you to the back seat, I remove the lid of the apple juice bottle and try to help you drink but you're not familiar with the format and mostly spill on your dress or just cover the entire opening of the bottle with your mouth but don't actually drink.

I find your empty bottle in the back seat and you watch each step of me removing its lid, filling it with juice, and then replacing the lid, and add your approving high-pitched "yeah" and a nod with each step. Good for you, little lady! You understand the sequence of events and are anticipating what this means for you!

When I'm done and it's in your hands it goes directly into your mouth and your whole body relaxes. You lean back into the crook of my arm and I'm worried about the air bags deploying because of how far my heart is bursting from my chest. You have no idea how much I love you. You have no idea how much I cherish these little moments together. If we didn't have somewhere to be, I would have sat there with you longer, the sun and the breeze reaching us through the open door, and your tiny little adorable legs comfortably propped up on mine. You're happy. I'm happy. I love you. You are my sunshine.