dealing

I think about my summer often, some days more than others, usually with a grand mixture of feelings. I have yet to decide how I will feel about the experience on the whole as I look back on it. I know for a fact that Montreal Project 2005 will never be re-created. I also know for a fact that I might give almost anything to have Montreal Project 2005 re-created (even for a day). It sounds like I am in love. What I have left to hold on to are memories (which are awesome but I fear will fade) and the relationships with the people. The truth is that most of what I miss is the people but that is not all. It was les gens, and then how we lived and worked together, and how we were in the same place for a terminable amount of time for the same reason. I want to be with all 39 of them with God, too, in Montreal. THAT would make the experience uniquely the same. (You heard me.) What can I do from here? I know that I have not fully let go of Montreal - the city and the project. I know that I can return to the city but I feel like my heart is breaking when I reflect on what once was and will never be again.

How dramatic and devastating! I need to get a grip and some sleep. I will re-read this au matin and if I still agree with myself yikes. If I think this is too hyperbolic, I will change it. Hopefully I will have an epiphany to-night that will cure all of this. :)

Neologisms (ENGL*3120) part 2

22/10:
(16)"inter-cross" - sharing across borders, divisions, etc.
11/11:
(17)"percussionalizing" - using a percussionist in an ensemble
16/12:
(18)"triced" - trying to be nice
(19)"redonkerous" - donkey-like ridiculousness
x/11:
(20)"stressfullest" - the most stressful

characterizing

God, thank You for who I am.

I want to try to describe the place I am in at present because I find it quite fascinating. This evening, I sat down for some quiet time with God after a few days' abstinence from it. I have been putting off intimate time with God in favor of school work. Of course I know this is a bad idea as I do it but usually that knowledge convicts me. Here is what was different this time: I felt (being in a place now where I am still riding the run-off from summer project) that I had some kind of God-closeness on reserve. The truth is that I could pass one day where I do not spend quiet time with God and be "OK." By that I mean I would not feel separated from God, and He would know my (good) reason(s) to have foregone the time. After two days, however, it is no longer venial. My point is that the reserve theory is actually valid but that this time - these recent days/weeks - I have not had my reserve adequately full to not have QT for 5 days or so. It is like our body using food ingested for immediate energy or storing it for long-term purposes as fat. If you fast for a week, your body will survive by using its long-term stored energy. However, if you are without food for several months, your body will have nothing to live on. Further, if you stop a fast and then miss one day of healthy eating soon thereafter, it will be far more devastating then - in your compromised state - to draw on empty reserves than when you are in the middle of a proper-eating streak.

I finally buckled down (it helped that it was Friday and I didn't feel anything else could be "more pressing" and that I wanted to be with You when I walked into CCC's weekly meeting) this afternoon and read a portion of Acts 3.

This evening, eight CCC members, students, went to The Manor (Guelph's strip club) to pray and I found myself understanding better the verses of Acts 3 I had focussed on. In verses 15 and 16 (12-14 for context), the Bible says that people from Jerusalem and places surrounding Jerusalem brought out their sick either directly to the Apostles to be healed or at least to lay in the street and hopefully be passed by Peter's shadow to be healed. This made me realize that a) people are desperate (a shadow?!?) and b) they will bring out their ailments if they know the cure is available. I asked myself: am I making the cure available? Do people know that there is a person who performs perfect, miraculous healing free of charge and we are His ambassadors? I need this to be broadcast from my life. I thought at the Manor that, yes, there are people here who would bring out their sick if they truly knew what Jesus was all about and where to find him.

At the weekly meeting this evening Beth Fisher spoke to us about glorifying God and mentioned that we need to have Him on display; we need our lives to show that we treasure Him. Telling the world that we are unashamed of Him and have no desires beyond Him definitely brings Him glory. Bexth spoke well, I want to peruse her notes.

The men of the Bible, of the New Testament, of Acts, they were so bold because they held on to the truth. This is something I definitely need to get into. If I know that the truth is absolute and that God will back me up, there is no battle I can loose. Part of me often thinks it needs to make excuses for God or something silly like that. I am asking God to change my mindset about this because I need some refinement.

Just to clarify: the connection between my three ideas (devotionals, the Manor and Bexth) is that there are people who want to hear or who are ready to hear but we need to make it painfully clear that we have news to tell. In verse 12 it says, "all the believers used to meet together" and so I should remember to be that big presence with our group. There aint no shaaame in it!


I also realized aujourd'hui that I need to serve Campus Crusade for Christ, I need to serve Christ for the time being. It does not matter how I feel about the organization (you KNOW it does not matter how I feel about serving Christ) or what I think my future with it will be. All that matters is that this is where God has placed me for now. Why would He let me graduate if I started cursing and vandalizing my highschool? Take that lesson from Joseph, son of Jacob: serve where you are placed. If God is keeping you in a low place to get you ready to do something great, it is good to be in a low place.

Thank You, God, for all You are.

to-day

This morning when I woke up I was feeling many things that seemed new or unprecidented in some way.

At first I felt like a dead dog on a highway. When that had passed (after some walking around and increase brain activity) I remarked that I was surprized - based on what time it was - that I did not feel as if I had put Tired the Insomniac to bed a week ago. Ahh that's not a comfortable feeling.

But seriously folks. For once I got up at a time where I could - get this - a) take a shower, b) pack food to take to school, c) pack my bag, d) read new emails and e) have just a smidgen of time to pray for the day! Wow and half.. I am not even mad. Who knew the glory of the "early to bed, early to rise" proverb? I'd love to say that I would like to do it every day but I am pretty sure that will never happen. My cycle is pretty far from reformation.

Not even mad.

the double-take

I turned away from my computer, crumpled wrapping in hand, looking for a small black container low to the ground. The first thing I saw that fit that description as I wheeled was a fellow library patron's relatively large purse. I was about to throw the piece in what my brain assumed was the right place but I realized it was not before I had made a full extension of my arm. As I turned back slightly as if to start again; right myself and also laugh a bit, my subconscious told me to throw my garbage in her purse anyways.

thoughts part two

(1)
Why is it that concepts related to God make more sense to us when we take them out of context?

(2)
Friend, when you choose conversation with me over sleep, then I will know how much you value me.


[sister post: 27/04/05:)]