You have no idea how much joy you bring me, just to see you and be near you. You have no idea, my tiny ward, how much I care for you and think of you when we're apart. You are a gem in my life.
Today I asked you to do more than I normally do, more than was really easy for you. You were in the car for a thirty-minute drive to a nearby town, to drop a friend off, and in the car again for the thirty minutes back. We stopped on the way there to be sure you wouldn't be sick, I made sure you had your afternoon snack, and gave you a few toys to play with.
But on the way back, because you were so chipper on the way there, I thought we might make the whole trip without stopping. Around 20 minutes you started to sound annoyed and frustrated, maybe because you were bored now. We were only 10 minutes from home! But five minutes later you were close to tears and because these were abnormal expectations I had put on you and not a matter of you being disobedient or learning discipline, we pulled over.
How happy you were by the time I got to your side of the car! How happy you were. Your little eyes sparkled and your fantastic grin beamed at me. Out you came and it seemed the grumpies stayed inside the car.
I held you like I usually do, high up on my left side so that we are almost eye-to-eye. I'm watching your face and periodically smooching your cheek and shoulder. You're looking out across a mostly empty parking lot, rather serious, trying to take it in. Then you point at something (the tree? the wood chips? the car? I have no idea) and make your little high-pitched attempt at talking. I don't know what you mean or want but I'm happy that you're happy.
Then we slip into the store and buy some apple juice because I have no other water, juice, or milk left in the car and it's hot out and I want something to soothe you for the last ten minutes.
You're so happy to hold the Minute Maid bottle (because it's something new and I was holding it) but I don't even know if you realise what it contains. I wonder if it's too soon to return you to your car seat, if you will decide this break is too short and then throw a proper tantrum. So..we sit in the driver's seat and you love it! I love watching your face light up with new discoveries. I love watching your face light up when you're allowed to have something you really want but didn't think you'd get. Lots of buttons to press or just touch, and plenty of things to point at and coo about. Hoping to soon transition you to the back seat, I remove the lid of the apple juice bottle and try to help you drink but you're not familiar with the format and mostly spill on your dress or just cover the entire opening of the bottle with your mouth but don't actually drink.
I find your empty bottle in the back seat and you watch each step of me removing its lid, filling it with juice, and then replacing the lid, and add your approving high-pitched "yeah" and a nod with each step. Good for you, little lady! You understand the sequence of events and are anticipating what this means for you!
When I'm done and it's in your hands it goes directly into your mouth and your whole body relaxes. You lean back into the crook of my arm and I'm worried about the air bags deploying because of how far my heart is bursting from my chest. You have no idea how much I love you. You have no idea how much I cherish these little moments together. If we didn't have somewhere to be, I would have sat there with you longer, the sun and the breeze reaching us through the open door, and your tiny little adorable legs comfortably propped up on mine. You're happy. I'm happy. I love you. You are my sunshine.
Friday, 24 June 2016
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
Sad things
Alternate title: Confessions
(1) I am more likely to ask others to pray for something than I am to pray for it myself.
(2) Sometimes I ask for prayer for things motivated by the desire to share something about myself/my life.
(3) When in public I judge others pretty harshly, thinking that, from the few pieces of information I can pick up, I have them pegged.
(4) Sometimes my choice to pick up my phone (or some other book, or a snack, or to flip on the TV) instead of my Bible is not unconscious and not unthinking. It's like I square off with the Holy Spirit as if I'm some teenager who doesn't care what relationship damage her defiance and disrespect might do.
(5) Sometimes I say in my head, "I don't want the Bible, I want to be entertained." Lately I've noticed that I don't trust God to make me feel better so I find things that will. It is hard for me to remember (believe?) that the way I feel is not exactly priority.
It is hard to understand how God tolerates me. I'm so vile and so unlike Him in many ways. Today I was reading Exodus, the instructions given for priestly garments and ordinations. Before that were details (and I mean details) for the building of the tabernacle. Trying for the umpteenth time to jump into the brain of a Jewish person a few millenia ago (more importantly, a Jewish person under the old covenants) I wondered what they would think about the cords of gold, the embroidered pomegranates, the curtains this many cubits long, the wave offerings, the sin offerings, the hundredteen other kinds of offerings, the incense, this and that made without yeast, this long lobe of the liver, that outside the camp, this kind of undergarment... Did they roll their eyes? Did they grumble among themselves? Did they love the precision and ritual? Was it a lot to keep up with or was it more manageable in their context than it is for a Gentile Canadian in 2016?
Then a tiny light bulb flickered: an idea of how I might speak about these passages to a perhaps confused non-believer. I think the bulb came after I thought to myself, "Even though I don't understand how these things work, I am grateful that God told us what would work." It's very hard for us sinners to worship Him and to be near Him but God is explaining the hoops which need jumping through so that we can worship and draw near. (This must mean He wants us to, if He's telling us how!)
I thought.... If you cheated on your spouse...If I slept with a man who wasn't my husband...and my husband found out ..and I was truly deeply sorry, grieved, contrite, repentant, etc. and my husband said, "If you want to stay married, if you want me to trust you again, I'm going to need you to do a few things, which will show me your fidelity..."
If I had cheated and then was truly sorry in my heart of hearts and wanted to stay married to my husband--and he knew that was true--, I would do whatever he put on that list, however nit-picky... Never be alone in a room with another man. Don't talk to other men for longer than 30 minutes at a time. If it's thirty-one minutes I will know you aren't serious. On the first day of every month, re-read our marriage vows. Share everything with me. Listen when I speak. Never take your ring off except for when you're washing your hands. Forget your maiden name. Let me show love to you!
I would do it all. I would do it all gladly and I would be so overjoyed that my husband had told me what I could do so that we had a shot at reconciliation.
Now...I must say that an important difference between this situation and the one between God and man, is that marriage partners are equal but man is far, far, far, far, far below God. We are not equal. So commands and ordinances are very different coming from Creator God to His chosen people, instead of from a sinful, broken human to another human.
That said, I think the analogy still stands. If you understand that you are in your partner's debt, the way you think about what is required of you changes drastically. It can seem like you've been shown mercy.
But then there's the New Covenant. That delightful all-fulfilling gem that changed everything. In the New Covenant, Jesus the Son of God assumed responsibility for me having an affair, and then jumped flawlessly through every hoop a seething, cuckolded husband could establish...and made me a perfect wife. He satisfied the husband and purified the wife. He paid the debt and restored the relationship. Restored and renewed. He is amazing, that Jesus. He reconciled the sinners to the One sinned against, thus fulfilling ALL the old covenant stipulations. (You spend some time in the Pentateuch and you will appreciate just how much He has done.)
(1) I am more likely to ask others to pray for something than I am to pray for it myself.
(2) Sometimes I ask for prayer for things motivated by the desire to share something about myself/my life.
(3) When in public I judge others pretty harshly, thinking that, from the few pieces of information I can pick up, I have them pegged.
(4) Sometimes my choice to pick up my phone (or some other book, or a snack, or to flip on the TV) instead of my Bible is not unconscious and not unthinking. It's like I square off with the Holy Spirit as if I'm some teenager who doesn't care what relationship damage her defiance and disrespect might do.
(5) Sometimes I say in my head, "I don't want the Bible, I want to be entertained." Lately I've noticed that I don't trust God to make me feel better so I find things that will. It is hard for me to remember (believe?) that the way I feel is not exactly priority.
It is hard to understand how God tolerates me. I'm so vile and so unlike Him in many ways. Today I was reading Exodus, the instructions given for priestly garments and ordinations. Before that were details (and I mean details) for the building of the tabernacle. Trying for the umpteenth time to jump into the brain of a Jewish person a few millenia ago (more importantly, a Jewish person under the old covenants) I wondered what they would think about the cords of gold, the embroidered pomegranates, the curtains this many cubits long, the wave offerings, the sin offerings, the hundredteen other kinds of offerings, the incense, this and that made without yeast, this long lobe of the liver, that outside the camp, this kind of undergarment... Did they roll their eyes? Did they grumble among themselves? Did they love the precision and ritual? Was it a lot to keep up with or was it more manageable in their context than it is for a Gentile Canadian in 2016?
Then a tiny light bulb flickered: an idea of how I might speak about these passages to a perhaps confused non-believer. I think the bulb came after I thought to myself, "Even though I don't understand how these things work, I am grateful that God told us what would work." It's very hard for us sinners to worship Him and to be near Him but God is explaining the hoops which need jumping through so that we can worship and draw near. (This must mean He wants us to, if He's telling us how!)
I thought.... If you cheated on your spouse...If I slept with a man who wasn't my husband...and my husband found out ..and I was truly deeply sorry, grieved, contrite, repentant, etc. and my husband said, "If you want to stay married, if you want me to trust you again, I'm going to need you to do a few things, which will show me your fidelity..."
If I had cheated and then was truly sorry in my heart of hearts and wanted to stay married to my husband--and he knew that was true--, I would do whatever he put on that list, however nit-picky... Never be alone in a room with another man. Don't talk to other men for longer than 30 minutes at a time. If it's thirty-one minutes I will know you aren't serious. On the first day of every month, re-read our marriage vows. Share everything with me. Listen when I speak. Never take your ring off except for when you're washing your hands. Forget your maiden name. Let me show love to you!
I would do it all. I would do it all gladly and I would be so overjoyed that my husband had told me what I could do so that we had a shot at reconciliation.
Now...I must say that an important difference between this situation and the one between God and man, is that marriage partners are equal but man is far, far, far, far, far below God. We are not equal. So commands and ordinances are very different coming from Creator God to His chosen people, instead of from a sinful, broken human to another human.
That said, I think the analogy still stands. If you understand that you are in your partner's debt, the way you think about what is required of you changes drastically. It can seem like you've been shown mercy.
But then there's the New Covenant. That delightful all-fulfilling gem that changed everything. In the New Covenant, Jesus the Son of God assumed responsibility for me having an affair, and then jumped flawlessly through every hoop a seething, cuckolded husband could establish...and made me a perfect wife. He satisfied the husband and purified the wife. He paid the debt and restored the relationship. Restored and renewed. He is amazing, that Jesus. He reconciled the sinners to the One sinned against, thus fulfilling ALL the old covenant stipulations. (You spend some time in the Pentateuch and you will appreciate just how much He has done.)
For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I'll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary's Lamb.
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
"Jesus died, my soul to save,"
My lips shall still repeat.
Jesus paid it all!
All to Him I owe!
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow.
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