I literally put on nerd glasses to type this post.

I literally have a pair... they are literally on my face. "Literally" is one of my favorite adverbs.

This is how my random list for "Comptez Vos Benedictions" was generated:

using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.ComponentModel;
using System.Data;
using System.Drawing;
using System.IO;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Windows.Forms;

namespace FarqIsDumb
{
.........public partial class Form1 : Form
.........{
.................private IEnumerable iNumbers;

.................public Form1()
.................{
...........................InitializeComponent();
.................}

.................private void button1_Click(object sender, EventArgs e)
.................{
...........................System.Random rnd = new System.Random();
........................... iNumbers = Enumerable.Range(1, 100).OrderBy(r => rnd.Next());


...........................this.printToFile();
..................}


..................private void printToFile()
..................{
...........................string mydocpath =
..................................Environment.GetFolderPath(Environment.SpecialFolder.MyDocuments);
...........................StreamWriter fileWriter = new StreamWriter(mydocpath + "\\out.txt", true);

...........................foreach(int iNumber in this.iNumbers)
...........................{
..................................fileWriter.Write(iNumber.ToString() + " ");
..................................fileWriter.WriteLine();
...........................}
...........................fileWriter.Close();
...................}
.........}
}




:) :) :) :) :)


I don't know what it is about "nerdy" things that I enjoy so much but I had better figure out what and had better find a less colloquial adjective to replace the term. I like this kind of thing (just like I like physics and mechanical engineering) but I don't have real plans to pursue any of it in a real way. I like ...learning and dabbling but... I mean, what good is that - never digging deeper than a basic understanding and appreciation? (Who knows...?)

Let the fun begin!

You better believe it's after midnight.

I donno.

I wanted to write something but I wasn't sure what. I have a few ideas/scenarios to write about but they just aren't fit for public display and that's frustrating!

I ended up weeding my blogger account here - applying labels, even creating a new label, correcting spelling/grammar/comprehensiveness. Sigh. I do like the occasional tune-up.

Last week I finished my "Comptez Vos Benedictions" ("Count Your Blessings") list begun in January of 2008 and I was relieved that the 100th item came subtly because the pressure of finding something to "top" the previous 99 did nag me slightly.

Now, to properly close the series, I want to revisit all the items that need explanation (this also achieves the main purpose of the series - to make me complain less and be more thankful). I thought that would be all one hundred but looking back briefly just now, I was pretty explicit with the first few so it won't be all of them that need expansion.

I've been trying to figure out if I should do brief(er) explanations and put all 100 items in a re-cap sort of post, or if I should bundle them by 10s or 25s, etc. Then I thought, HOW COOL WOULD IT BE to bundle them but to do it randomly?? It just adds fun (and something like mystery) to the exercise for me. I thought I could make an iTunes playlist of 100 songs, ask it to "shuffle" and write on blessing items according to their corresponding musical accompaniment. I still might do that but the truth is that "random" playlists drive me nuts. I put my whole iTunes library on shuffle a few weeks ago for the first time in my three years of owning the program and didn't make it past the second selection. I just can't handle unintentional listenies like that. I could just watch it select songs and not actually listen, I guess.

I want to do this well and creatively but I also don't want to wait any longer, dilly-dallying over the color of wrapping paper!

I've got half a mind to begin right now...

I don't know.

I like when people at work ask me if the bathrooms are open or if they need a key because I can always say, "YES, they're open; go ahead," or, "NO, you don't need a key; go ahead." I like that that's the one thing I can always permit freely freely.

Quite a few people ask me about my name at work (I wear a name tag). They ask how it's pronounced, where I'm from, where it's from. Sometimes they know someone whose name is similar sometimes they greatly appreciate the uniqueness.

A first-timer today asked me if my name was pronounced as it was and I nodded, focusing on coins in hopes of discouraging a lame follow-up question. He said, "Your dad a rasta?" and I goggled. I absolutely had a brief moment of speechlessness, partly from the extreme rarity it is to talk to someone who is like me in a sense (but not in my family) and partly from a waterfall of sheer relief that came from NOT hearing one of the typical follow-up questions or comments. Oh, sweetness. Sweet sweetness. It made me zo happy. He got it.


Some guy came in last week or the week before asking for cigarettes and in the very last moment before he left something in my brain ding!-ed that he looked familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it. When he came in last week a second time he said a few more words and his slight speech impediment made me realize that what was familiar about him was his resemblance to Christian Bale.
Tonight he came in again and I realized that his hair color, complexion, shape of face and even the way he walks are just like the Dark Knight. Having finally worked up the nerve, I asked, "Has anyone ever told you you look like Christian Bale?" and he said, "Yes," in a mostly unsurprised tone which I realized I should have expected because I can't be the first person to pick up on the uncanny-bordering-on-eerie likeness. The sympathy switch is flipped (the same sympathy that goes out to all the people whose birthday is the 29th of February, all the New Zealanders who are taken for Australians, all the Kirstens that get called Kristen) and I point out, "It's not exactly a bad thing," VERY glad after I said it that he didn't read between the lines.
He has been slowly convinced of it as more and more people point it out, he explained as he walked over to Tim Hortons. The last thing he said before he assimilated into the line and I served the next customer was, "I am Christian Bale, actually." I did an exaggerated that-explains-it, "Ohhhhh," rolling my eyes. (I dug in my heels to keep my smile from exploding off of my face. I just can't be the ditsy swooner.) I was relieved that he'd created an easy/obvious sort of "end" to the conversation because (a) it is hard to talk with someone as they're walking away, but more important (b) he is far too attractive for me to be able to engage with him for very long periods of time.

(Halfway through typing all of that I realized I didn't have a point to the story..but I kept typing it for some reason.)

cleaning out the scraps of paper from about my room again?

why, yes! I am!

(Expansion on a point-form list on the back of a lottery receipt.)

firsts this week [25th-30th April]:

1) First time I heard some one ask for du Maurier cigarettes with proper French pronunciation (because he was Francophone). I was stunned that I hadn't noticed until that point that we all say it incorrectly.
2) First time I described a total with "oh-one" representing "$x.01". Every other time it's just the flat dollar amount, "and one cent," or, "and a penny." This oh-one came out of nowhere ... Not like I thought the customer wouldn't get it or I was overly tired or anything. Weird & fluky.
3) First time a customer was unable to pay for the gas they had pumped -- and this happened with TWO people in the same day! It is bizarre to be sympathetic for their embarrassment & their predicament but to also be shrewd & avoid getting bamboozled. I did consider how I would feel paying their bills out of pocket if they didn't return. They both returned.
The first guy was flustered and visibly exasperated by his situation and, while swiping his debit card, commented sarcastically that this was turning out to be a "great" day. He was half-smiling, not prepared to lie down to a poopy Monday morning just yet but still clearly had a few things on his mind. I gestured out the windows behind him and offered, "Well, at least the weather's nice..." with a tone I hoped would allow the comment to either be dismissed entirely (in case he was not in the mood) or taken as a piece of disarming irony. The sky was mad grey and drizzly, as I remember it. He laughed.
When he left, he made eye-contact deliberately and said, "Thanks very much for... everything." He seemed incredibly sincere with his gratitude which surprized me. It was encouraging because I was trying very hard to play it off and preserve his dignity in some sense.


That's just one piece of paper...I don't even feel like looking at others and that is how we end up with cluttered bedrooms!

sticks & stones

Recently I've been called a long list of mean names, either by other people or myself (consciously and sub-consciously). I don't particularly like it and it doesn't really bear any fruit whatsoever.

It had begun to weigh on me, not insurmountably but so that I was actively seeking relief and repair. Things weren't rolling off my back like they used to AND I did not like how I had become blinded to so much, just absorbing it in a familiar routine.

With all of this so tender and exposed in the past two weeks and in the wake of confrontation, a few words have been spoken VERY loudly into my life and my (temporarily?) fragile crystal vase of self-worth perception with incredible results.

--A friend addressed me as "hun" which she does very infrequently in an email and at the time I read it, it went a long way toward making me feel loved and known.
--A first-timer at work left the counter with, "thanks, baby," using "baby" in a way that only a certain kind of spunky woman can pull off which reminded me of the three sweet ladies in my family tree who OWN that kind of spunk and often go out of their way to make me squirm under their mushy, affectionate language.
--A moderate regular at work who from the first time I served him called me "sweetie" continues to call me "sweetie" and the last time I heard it I felt even more protected and cherished than all the previous times combined. (I take it as an "I love you" from God that detours through this random FedEx driver.)

I'm grateful and I'm healing and I'm happy.

I said ya dun a great jeeeeaaaaooorrrrb.

I have been thinking recently about my job; what I like and don't like about it, what I can handle and what I need to set a boundary against, and when would be a good time for me to leave.

I haven't thought everything through yet and that's fine as I'm not in a huge rush. Last Friday I was in a huge rush. There was a moment where I was sure I had been trampled on for the "last" time. We move on. We pick up and move on.
Saturday and Monday were very [read: night-and-day] different and I knew that I needed to leave in the most gracious way possible. I understand that my employers are just as fallible as anyone and I also understand that they value most of the work I do there. That's cool. I'm...mostly indifferent about their opinion of me but I appreciate that they value what I do there. They paid me compliments that I couldn't even digest because they seemed too much (and possibly a strategic counter-balance to Friday's reaming out OR a preempting of my quitting...maybe they've seen enough employees quit to know the early signs!).

My shifts have changed in the past few weeks and it's been difficult but there have surely been a few perks. I long to not gripe or complain about this.

I have been thinking about why I want to work in the morning so much more than the afternoon & evening and about what kind of job I would like to pursue next. So far I've discovered that I miss the mornings most because I miss my regulars (both customers and suppliers). I lament working in the afternoons and evenings because I miss out on being able to spend time with the vast majority of my friends. (I STILL can't believe I care so much about people..it doesn't make sense.)
If the next job I took was not retail I would dearly miss being able to serve anyone & everyone, and I would miss being kind to strangers. On Tuesday I threw someone off by remembering their cigarette order (I think I've only served him three times but his accent made me memorize the order because I kept replaying it in my head, enjoying & imitating the sound). With an hour left in my shift, I pulled the smokes off the shelf and hid them near the register. I was actually disappointed when he didn't show because he's a very nice guy and I enjoy interacting with him, however briefly. He walked in when I was about to leave but was chatting with my coworker over the counter. I spied him and cut myself off exclaiming, "Oh! Oh! I know this! (To my coworker) This is who I was waiting for. Export A Full Flavor King Size... large." I turn back to him. "Right?" (I was only 90% sure.) He nods with surprize and that same look that most people have after the first time they've been remembered. He seemed more moved by it than most, though. It was interesting. It was a blessing, really. [Guess that's] (100)

I don't know how to give this up. I don't know how to give up serving hundreds of strangers to the best of my ability in all ways from monotonous to outlandish. Sigh. Surely something comparable or better is queuing up.

"You say, 'potato'..."

In the past week or so I have heard a lot of people say they haven't been enjoying the weather with varying degrees of emphasis or dislike... I generally remain neutral in response. (I firmly believe there is no such thing as "bad" weather. There are unpleasant and inconvenient kinds of weather - even deadly! - but I'd never call any of it "bad" as if it happened by accident or was somehow wrong.) I will admit I can only go so many days without missing the sunshine terribly and damp jeans are not the most comfortable thing one can be stuck wearing.
This evening, walking from building to bus stop thrice in a two-hour window I very much enjoyed the rainfall. People call this weather "crappy" or "terrible" but tonight I couldn't see it. I stayed on my doorstep for an extra minute before going inside to squeeze out the last ounce of enjoyment cos who knows when I'll be rained on again? It's refreshing and beautiful and I can't not love the One who made it.

Happy I got to thank my boss today for something that's important and that he deserves to be commended for. It didn't all come out right...but he understood quickly, and even read what I was getting at before I was able to say it overtly.

I want an iPad (I think).

Doesn't really make sense to say more than once in a day "that made my day" but I want to say it three times today. :)
Firstly, I got someone to play the bass line from Cee Lo Green's "Forget You" by reciting eleven letters across a stage... and he got it. The flippin prodigy figured it out and I have commissioned him to have it perfected by Sunday (when our paths will next cross). I don't call him a prodigy because he can play the bass from letter names but because of how extreme his progress has been with learning the bass these past few months and how today during rehearsal he told me he didn't need me to transpose his music...he could figure it out himself (!!). Transposing is actually not that difficult but he's new and uh...well he must be brilliant in ways I didn't realize before. I was highly impressed. But that's not the point.
The point is that he indulged me in my desire to play the funk out of that song and I am looking forward to Sunday. I dropped some chords and sang most of the chorus right there in the sanctuary.. I'm OK with that. The three sixty-year-old Baptist men eight feet away from me seemed mildly entertained by the sound of it and I was relieved to find they didn't recognize the song, exactly. Asked the bassist at first if he knew a song called "Forget You" because he doesn't get rhythmic notation that well yet and I wanted to take a shortcut. He said no but that he could look it up. I said that "Forget You" is what it's called on the radio but the real version has a different word that starts with F. "Ohh," he nods knowingly. I laugh.
We half-discuss when we could try it and I ask if he's in a rush to go. He smiles, "You wanna do it right now?" I cover up my huge grin with the binder I'm holding and nod vigorously. I recite and he plays the first three notes. My face lights up even more (if that's possible). I continue reciting and by the fourth & final line I'm pumping my fist in excitement. :)
It made me happy. It was nice.

Second day-maker was at a coffee shop. The cashier gave me two stamps for my loyalty card when I only bought one drink. I goggled, "did you just give me two stamps???" and he replied an almost mischievous, "Yeah..." that had a hint of a friendly "duh" somewhere underneath it. I was speechless for a moment, only communicating gratitude non-verbally while swiping my plastic payment and he continued, "Is that OK? [I nod late...catching up with the moment.] Do you want me to take it back? [I shake my head] Are you going to complain??" [I laugh and he FINALLY cracks a smile, possibly the first I've ever seen from him in all the months/years I've patronized the shop.]
"No, no," I finally stammer. "I'm going to say 'thank you'." He accepts. Still a bit bewildered - not because the gesture itself is grand but because any other time I have been served by him he is cool and efficient to the point of being robotic or emotionless, which I don't particularly mind; it's just what I've become accustomed to - I fumble through the rest of the transaction and then disappear, smiley, smiley, smiling.

Thirdly, my friend's niece took her first step.

Surely. Surely today is the day I can take on the world.

Really I mean "today" in a broad sense that hinges on tomorrow, encompasses this week and is driven by my present state of mind.

It's disgusting how easy it is to give (or "give") when it doesn't hurt or cost you.

I said something to a friend about an hour ago that kinda surprized me as it was coming out of my mouth and even more after it came out of my mouth. I said, "it's easy to look at numbers [meaning financial figures] and say, 'this is impossible,' but why aren't we saying to God, 'we want to do this; can You please help?'?" [It surprized me particularly that it sounds like a child asking their father for something a child might ask a father for.** ...It's foreign but decidedly less foreign than it was half a year ago - also strange.] It makes sense. Some things seem (or are) impossible. And we people of faith say it would be "wise"* or prudent to save this money here or cut losses there. What's wrong with us?

*Oh man. James 3:15 just made sense to me for the first time.
**"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:9-1)

Sundays in this season consistently make me think differently about Mondays. It's a very good thing.

I need to watch my caffeine intake very carefully these days. I explained to someone yesterday that I will, "have it two days in a row and then by the third day I really want it". It's a crude way to explain how it goes but it's true. I have a couple days in a row where I'm having trouble staying awake or staying focused and so I'll drink come caffeine and taurine and I'll zippily wake back up again. But on that third day, whether I'm tired or not, I WANT that drink. It's gross not being able to get a proper read on your tiredness. I dun like it. Most times I'm able to resist the third day and by the fourth day I'm forgetting all about it. Today is my Day Four. We'll see what tomorrow's bright-and-early face looks like.

I do believe I just exited that window of grace time where I get to stay up past where I should go to bed and can still be OK the next day. The things I've been doing the past two hours were all good and fruitful (some were even necessary) but now I'm on borrowed time. It's time to stop taking advantage.

Sigh. Tomorrow, please be nice.

Ahh! Books! Why you gotta be so expensive?

You're lucky you're wonderful. VERY lucky.

on "Paging" (or triets XXXI and XXXII, OR sixtlette II)

wonderfilled sight this morning:
fog streaming up from the smallish body of water (as a pond?) that I pass on my way to work

not-fun sight just now:
housemate on the phone, face contorted to keep from crying more

what I discovered today:
Gatorade is not flavorish, sugary water! it has...stuff in it. I don't like it.

funny I heard today:
manager, seeing a customer's name stitched into his mechanic's uniform, inquired simply, "Justin Bieber?" The customer (who I tend to see three to six times a day, every day) smiled in a big way (bigger than I've ever seen) and smirked, "...not quite." It was funny. It's such a ridiculous thing to say. (Manager also occasionally calls me Jessica Simpson.)

unexpected:
seeing a customer today (Monday) that I only ever remember seeing on Thursdays who I have trouble with. (today was OK.)

good:
finding a paragraph in the book of Luke that contained four helpful "you should do this in your life/situation right now" clauses. I like it when that happens. zo practical.


I wish I could sing.

(the thing I didn't write about was yesterday's harsh correction)

Crazy, crazy weekend. Good weekend. This morning's church service was good [read: warm & round]. It was a Mother's Day service that I actually noticed. It was cool.
I played the piano with a team for which I have never played through a full service. (I accompanied them for one song some time last year because I was the one who had transcribed the music I seemed to be the most qualified to play it.) I didn't think it would be very easy or enjoyable...but it turned out to be OK (as in I was able to put in enough practice time to be sufficiently prepared) and enjoyable. I told someone else that even the mid-week rehearsal was edifying. I felt like I was eating my words though I didn't actually voice any of my concerns or reluctance. I ...wished I had been more hopeful. Ha. Live & learn.
I enjoyed worshiping with them this morning..it was good. It was quiet and grounded.
Friend of mine who was visiting this morning said to me afterward that I was "invisible" and I must say that's the biggest/best compliment (99) I've been paid in a very long time. I forgot about that word and its place in (overt) leadership.

On my way to breakfast before shursh service I got a save-the-date email and the more I think about it the more thrilled I am for this couple. I tried to describe the groom to the friend I was with but words often fail me with this fellow. He lacks so few qualities of a good man. This also means he'll lack few qualities of a good husband and father. I'm pumped. I hope I can attend.

If I get away with not having to clean out the fridge and freezer today I will be AMAZED.

"Oh, David Caruso... is there anything your sunglasses CAN'T fix?"

My respect for Jon Stewart grows by the episode. (He said the quote in the post title but that's not the kind of thing that makes me respect him more, ha.) I don't even want to expand on that statement cos I've said it all before. But, I do hope that after more weeks/months of carefully paying attention I will have a better understanding of what he is about and will be better able to make good choices/changes in my own life to reflect how I'm being challenged.

This week is one of those rare weeks when my two jobs are interfering with one another. It's OK. The week is half-way done and next week is pretending like it's going to be back to normal ("normal") so that is good.
Yesterday I immediately regretted saying, "I don't like working more than three days a week," because really, a standard work-week is five days, a fair work-week is six days and there are plenty of people on this earth who work eight days a week because they have no choice.

I didn't mean it that way.

Of course I am glad for the income and I am learning from the circumstances BUT I'm struggling with finding balance and not going crazy. I meant that I don't like doing my eight-hour-shift customer service job more than three times a week because it eats up a huge portion of my day (with the commute time and skewed sleep hours) and it can stress the crap out of me with frustration. I do officially work another day (or two) of the week at my other job but what I am discovering is that I'm running out of room to do my work-from-home work. But..it doesn't matter. It is all manageable. I should be less greedy. I should be sleeping.

abridged version?

5.24 - get out of bed
5.58 - board bus (journal, daydream)
7 - begin work
7.10 - notice and continue to ogle an auto collision at the main intersection outside my place of work (a Dodge Caliber was on its side in the middle of the intersection and it was interesting to see the Fire, police and ambulience do their work)
[work is frustrating because of fatigue, relieving because of many quiet moments, fun because of unexpected funversations with customers (many of them first-timers for me)]
15 - finish work
15.55 - donate bloods
17.32 - go watch fun TV with a fun friend
19.30 - baseball game at local pub (this is very relaxing and enjoyable....probably what the doctor ordered)
21.25 - lamely postpone plans to catch a flick with a friend believing I will be too tired to stay awake for more than twenty minutes of it
21.30 - leave pub
21.34 - return to pub with fun-TV-friend for beer and my first ever vodka + Red Bull (I don't even know ..I don't want to talk about it)
[chill pub, good hang & fantastic live music show. I bought the guy's CD. he was very funny, very talented, very engaging and overall extremely entertaining. I think this is the first time I have not been annoyed by live music in a pub.]
00.05 - leave pub for real
00.28 - home
00.35 - Colbert Report (cuz apparently it's a priority)
01.16 - start blogging, like a fool (long day; bitter-sweet & difficult but good)
01.42 - finish blogging; call it a night

What a heavy week!

On Thursday, by about 11am I said to myself that it was one of the saddest days of my life. It was sad but not devastating or crushing. (98)

I have work to do. I'm thinking about my job differently. I'm trying to think about a lot of things differently. I enjoyed watching the baseball game this afternoon. I desire rest. I expect to get it next Monday evening.

I was challenged tonight (as I am most Sunday nights recently) and I appreciate that it left me energized instead of feeling defeated. I wonder about this week...It is fixing to be a doozy. I thought today about poetry in a way I haven't in a while. I put no eggs in that basket.

I think now is the time for sleep for me. Today I wish I could run a cable from my brain directly into the compy to type some blog posts autonomously. Work on that, Steve Jobs et al.