One thing I like about Lydia:

(Her mentality toward photographizzly inspires me.)

Nine more things I like about Lydia Low:

9. She has superhero initials.
8. She only laughs when she finds something seriously funny but even then her laugh ends up sounding unsure.
7. She lives on Bay Street.
6. She don' take no crap frum noboddy.
5. She sings on-key and has a good musical memory.
4. She gets excited when she finds out someone else's hidden talent or common interest or general cool factor, tells them about it and often pursues them in an explicit way saying, "I decided we should be friends." (Oh how gracious of you to grant such an honor!)
3. She usually doesn't understand my jokes.
2. She is not fazed by the same things I am (AT ALL).
1. Her bedroom is lovelyly huge and she stays up late talking to me while I sit at the foot her bed.
0. She appreciates canteloupe for all its ripe & sweet glory.
-1. She tells stories well without ever even meaning to.
-2. She doesn't choose to be blunt but instead somehow ends up speaking the truth in an unobstructed way, the intensity of which is generally unbeknownst to herself - and then surprizing/foreign when she finds out. (I secretly half laugh at that last part: it's like telling a sleep-walker what they did last night.)
-3. She takes God-following seriously and doesn't consider His existence or our allegience any kind of option.
-4. Her fashion sense.
-5. She drops f-bombs when no one is looking.
-6. Her tendencies in vocal harmonization are different than mine which means I get to learn from her and to hear something refreshing. yum!

I wrote too many things..... Lydia, will you never again complain that I don't love you?

the series:
Silas: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2006/09/draw-er-of-smirks.html
Katie: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2006/10/having-crushes-on-multiple-young-lads.html
J-Rob: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2007/01/title-less.html
Paul: http://jesfffskah.blogspot.com/2008/04/10th-paul-post.html

Tom Selleck belongs in the 1800s.

"Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or a really cool opotamus?"

"Dr Scholl's... I don't think you need to go to medical school to figure out that walking on a cushion is more comfortable than not. Heck, I woulda bought those things from Mr Scholl's."

"I like to take a toothpick, throw it in the forest and say, 'You're home!'"
--Mitch Hedberg

"I think life is hard enough without tempting fate on the weekends."
--Mike MacDonald

"I never fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work."
--Christopher Titus

"It's good to be in Montreal... I came here all the way from New York. [beat] I took the car. [pause] Now, I’m not positive about this but I believe I was racially profiled. I was coming from upstate New York and I was pulled over. [beat] Twelve times.
"The cop asked me, 'You know why I pulled you over?' Because I was speeding? 'No! Hahaha… because you’re black! Hahaha--don’t you read the papers?'
"Then he gave me a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt. [beat] Well screw that, I don’t know anybody who wears a seatbelt in the back of a cab.
"That’s a joke people, alright? That’s a joke. I live in New York. [beat] I can’t catch a cab…"
--Louis Ramey

"Hot Fuzz"

directed by Edgar Wright
starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost
released in Canada on 20 April 2007

I have never met a film that was so grossly sold short by its television advertisements. Seriously! Don't pay attention to them: they'll only sell you a typical, Hollywood, predictable, cheap-laughs, brain-dead, slapstick humor idea. (Yes, I saw it anyways, under these assumptions. I was convinced to go by my brother who has seen "Shaun of the Dead" and figured that could vouch for the merit of this film. I assumed it couldn't be totally horrible. I was wrong.) I loved it; I really loved it. I'm sad, though, that many viewers will miss out on this greatness because they're expecting a stupid cop movie about partners who don't get along at first (one is suave, uber-professional and serious, the other is sloppy, goofy and trying to get his partner to loosen up..) but by the end are good friends, save the day (probably by accident) and are offered promotions despite all the chaos & damage they create and the huge mistakes they make that should have gotten them fired. Hmmpoop. I don't want to say all of what it's about because I think what can make a movie experience so much better is having little (or low) expections. That way, you can be suprized and impressed so much more. I was totally following along with the plot like my life depended on it... like a five-second imagination excursion would totally ruin the whole thing. (Every facial expression, every line, every space between lines; body language, subtext, cinematic tricks, those other visual things that make you wonder is key. It's all in there for a reason; it all builds to one end. I generally feel this way about any piece of art but some of them simply captivate me so completely that I can barely deal.) It was almost like "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" for me (and even parts 2 and 3, too). I seriously sat on the edge of my seat because I had been so effectively drawn in to that fantasy world. This film was almost the same - it wasn't so fantastic, of course, but my senses were being overloaded by new and constantly incoming fascinating things. O how I enjoyed it.

weird

Hilary just said that every square-foot of rainforest that is cut down brings us one step closer to global warming. That's Hilary Banks of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air on its pilot episode, 10 September 1990.

That's way too weird for me. WAaaaAy too weird.

Tommy Tiernan on Just for Laughs

This guy did a whole (7-8 minute?) set completely on the topic of Jesus and the Bible. Here's what's amazing about it: there was no blaspheme, there was no hostility, no secret this-is-junk jabs that so many professors will slip in because they can, it was ALL hilarious and accurate and mostly riveting... and at the end, I kid you not, out of the whole show he was the only one who got a standing ovation. (Tim Allen came out after him and got a comparatively very weak response and certainly no staning Os when he left. It WAS a tough act to follow!)

Wow... part way through I started to notice that he meant no malice and even when he said, "Some of the things Jesus said made no sense..." he wasn't trying to tear down some theological pillars, he was just making light. "'Love others as you love yourselves'? [staggered laughs]..... What if I've got a really bad self esteem problem?" I think he really gets it. I think he's a for serious believer and I LOVE to see this what I might call a fresh approach. I would assume that if you were a Jesus follower and wanted to get into stand-up that your jokes would be pretty weak because honestly, audiences want to hear the most vulgar - yet creative! - messed-up stuff you can come up with. Serious. How do you think dead baby jokes actually came to be? Nothing shocks us anymore! Well.. that's another story for another day. This guy's set wasn't lame. He didn't need to declare himself as more than a religious church-attender, something you'd likely infer but certainly not hold against him, but he didn't need to take cheap shots at Big G to win their approval, either. It was cool. Come to think of it, you've got some prime material there, considering how familiar most people in Canada (and yes, even Quebec, mostly) are with church, Bible stuff, the nativity & Easter stories, etc. etc. and comedy needs reference points. It's like... good comedy is all inside jokes and, the bigger the inside, the more laughs you'll extract. Made sense to me...

The guy comes out onto stage saying that people complain how "commercial" Christmas has become these days. He exaggerates it (this guy one of those mics that comes up the back of your ear and its little bud extends off your cheek, sitting an inch away from your mouth - I don't know the right term for it - so he could gallivant about the stage unfettered: it was intense), yelling, waving about, etc. etc. and the audience is laughing along because of his bizarreness. Then he disagrees: "Christmas has always been commercial! Even at the very first Christmas. The three wise men burst into the stable [he mimicks running, stopping short and then thrusting his hands forward], 'Look what I got you!!' [laughter] I know it's your birthday and Christmas but I think you'll like it..."

man that guy was good
I approve

tempted to recant

Some days I wish I had my pre-H Spizzo mindset because then I would have a more black-and-white view on gay people.
I remember the days when my back would go up without question...equal rights, equal rights, equal rights....
Why should my attitude be so different? These people are still people.
I wish I didn't try - subconsciously, it seems - to be arbiter and judge of all human merit. I mean really.. who cares what I think about other people and..
I want my vision to be black-and-white again and I'm surprized that Christianity has brought me more grayness than less. Does that go away as the years pass?
I want to give unconditional love, I believe that is what I'm trying to say. And now because I think (or have been trained to think) I should not condone... I should see all sins as equal blah blah blah.. all of a sudden it's different. It's stupid. I wanna love like Jesus did (...but then when everyone drops their stones and leaves then would I say, go and sin no more). Hmmm I just had a revelation right there.
"when everyone drops their stones and leaves"... that's it. that is it.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: it really doesn't matter what sin you're into (we all have our temptations and fetishes) because you're effectively dead. Like one of my profs would say, it's like re-arranging the chairs on the deck of the Titanic. (stage whisper: there's more important things at hand!) But then, once that more important thing has been brought to the fore and is faced in a head-on manner, that's when other things start to matter. That's the time to confront things; that's the only time and context in which they'll make sense! aha.... good times. I like this learny.


I like how "fetish" works on three levels (according to my good friends at dictionary.com):

1. an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency. [idolatry, maybe some kind of Satanic somethings...]
2. any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades. [idolatry again, filling the void...]
3. Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation. [yep]

can you blame us?

When people talk about how unwelcome they feel or felt at Campus for Christ weekly meetings I feel bad. I instantly feel like a spokesperson and/or a scape goat and I'm not entirely sure that's a bad thing. I get frustrated (I was especally frustrated this last time because I started hearing this crap explicitly three years ago). Why haven't we improved?

Personally, I think it's worse when people say - and it's usually after the storm has peaked and Dr Jekyll smiles and asks how you are, unawares and unaffected - that, "it's not just Campus for Christ, it happens in all ministries." Bullcrap. If you truly believed that you wouldn't have ranted. You wouldn't have a complaint if you truly believed this was characterstic of all Christan ministries or all large organizations. If it's inevitable then suck it up!

To be honest, I think that we are worse off than other ministries in this way. Like I said, it seems that not much has changed in the past four(five?) years. Actually, it was much easier back then because we didn't have more than forty peeps at the weekly meeting. It's like a house church. [insert expansive theory]

I think InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at Guelph did it better than us and maybe because they're not as scared to lose velocity as C4C seems to be.

The hospitality girl and I talked about the welcomage around this time last year because I was passing the reigns to her. We realized that being a welcoming group depends not on finding people who are willing to greet but on a change in attitude for everyone in the group. How can the task of welcoming fall only into the hands of some? That's completely illogical. Then welcoming becomes a task or a performance that has a start and a finish. No.

She's set up a sub-sub-ministry of meeters and greeters. The greeters' job is self-explanatory. The meeters' job is essentially to make a point of talking to people who are either new, or sitting by themselves -- basically people who are unfamiliar with or not plugged into the ministry. But really.. "talking to"? Somehow that sounds horrible because that also has a start and finish. Man we shouldn't have people designated to be intentionally friendly because that means the rest of us don't need to be. It means they have taken care of job x so that we don't need to. Bogus. It's not a job....

Can you blame us?
That is to say, how can you blame the ministry or the people in charge when it's up to each person to have a welcoming attitude? Nevermind that-- if you welcome people, i.e. if you are open to newcomers and want them to know that you treasure them, then they will know! It's an overflow.

A ministry is not a machine, a faceless hub that's accountable for the actions of each person inside. In the same way, I can't blame "Wal-Mart" for young girls in Bangladesh being paid $0.14/hour to sew clothes for 16 hours per day or for how it kills local businesses and cripples small towns. I can't blame a multi-national corporation. It's the fault of the head of Labor or Foreign Affairs or the CEO or whoever it was that approved the conditions (or whoever turned a blind eye). It's the fault of every person who knows about the practices and still choses to work for the company. There are real people who make real decisions and, if we're honest enough, it becomes plain that we ourselves might be implicated.

In the Wal-Mart example, I ask you: do you shop there? "Just once when I really need something.. like maybe once a month" still counts because if 100 million people on any given week say the same thing and Wal-Mart happens to have 2701 stores in 14 countries around the world and there happen to be 12 months in a year.. that's still a lot of revenue and a very high demand. The distance between "once a month" and "twice a month" and "regularly" is short. (Do philosophers call that the "slippery slope fallacy"?) The distance, however, between 0 and 1 is astronomical.

In our original discussion, I can't blame Campus for Christ. (How many times do we say that churches and ministries are ripped off because of imperfect people getting in the way and inevitably failing to be perfect representors - or ambassadors, if you will? It's a fact of life but we do our best, flaws and all. We push tirelessly toward the unreachable infinity -- like an asymptote.) I can "blame", though I try not to, people; individuals and probably all of them. I am a firm believer that, in this case, if ANY one is guilty, I am guilty so really, this accusatory finger's got nowhere to point.

I believe also, just as firmly, that we need a change in attitude. You can't tell a group of 200 people to fulfill a command set down by the Son of God many centuries before they were born. You can't explain, "Meet every week with a tight group of believers to pray and learn from the Bible, building eachother up. Share the Good News of God's plan to reconcile men to Himself with anyone who wants to hear (and ask them to see if they do - you're not a mind-reader!). Tell your friends, tell your strangers, tell your East coast and your closed countries. Go like His life depended on it. Meet also with a large group of believers to sing praises to His glorious name. Meet and share from the Word, share good words, LISTEN. PRAY for one another. Intercede for your brothers and sisters, for the dead walking among us: give up hours and hours to look like an idiot talking outloud to yourself (to an unseen Father) and expect that you'll be heard!"

Put the Spirit of God within someone and they will be compelled to do all of the above. There's no question of motivation. There's no tasklist. The indwelled says, "Whatever You want, God; I'm completely dispensable for Your glory," and action follows.

In the same ... in the same you can't tell someone to be friendly or to welcome strangers. (Who the crap cares? I'ma go talk to the peeps I know...) You can't assign them a job and expect the idea to catch on and remedy the problem. Breed a passion and the ministry will change.

Make people understand that it's important to be inviting. Who gave you the right to say NO to anyone? Understand that they will know we are Christians by our love. Wouldn't you have loved if someone welcomed you? (Did someone welcome you? If not, wouldn't you like to break the cycle?) What might possibly happen if ... *gasp* it turns out you LIKE that newby?? What if you get along? What if you come from the same hometown or both had a crush on Nick Carter when you were 13? What if you make a new friend or if they have something to teach you or share with you? What if a genuine smile and interested eye-contact make the difference to a stranger between coming back next week and dropping out of uni altogether? What if they go tell their friends? Stranger things have happened. I think it goes beyond the initial meeting and the large group weekly (we shouldn't have good attitudes because of a club...). [insert theory here]

well I did say I wanted to be up by 7 (but I meant from the other side...)

"Why do you study English," he returned before I could ask my follow-up question to his answer. Great, I thought. Now he's going to think I asked the question merely to make conversation, expecting him to reverse it on me. "Where are you from?" "Crappertonville. You?" Ugh. I was caught off-guard by his tone; however, he almost convinced me that he understood I was being sincere... and that he was doing the same. The novelty compelled me to answer.
I scrambled together some thoughts (you see, I was not prepared) and sputtered them out, feeling very much like a broken record for all the English Literature studies conversations we've had over the past few weeks. I finished saying that I like how we can ask questions that don't (need to) have an answer and deal with stuff that is deep and abstract -- and I don't think we get this in any other discipline. I paused briefly, waiting for more to come; either that or some innovative cinch to re-summarize the mess I'd just spewed. He jumped in, shocking the CRAP out of me: "What about Philosophy?"
The strangeness of the moment didn't hit me until a while after and so I was able to respond honestly but more dismissively than I would have liked. (I hate that tendency in me. It smells like pride.) A short laugh preceded what I hoped would stop him from pursuing: "I can't keep up with Philosophers," I smiled. He murmured agreement partway through my confession and spoke something affirmative afterward. Phew, I thought, and at the same time, Poop! Why am I so reluctant to face that question properly? I didn't give his query adequate thought and for that I am remorseful. I told him that I thought Philosophy does expect to find answers and something else. I think the idea I was trying to convey was of sterility. In retrospect now, I would add that the insistence on finding answers taints how Philosophy deals with the deep and analytical. I maintain my opinion. I have never felt comfortable or excited in a Philosophy lecture or seminar the way I do in English ones. Nonetheless I do tip my hat to Philosophizers for jumping headlong into the crazy stuff (and for codifying it!) no matter how lost I may think you are...

I was really impressed with this guy. His question shows first, that he was listening, secondly that he could understand what I was saying better than he should have for how it was expressed, third that he was not phased by social politics that say he should respond to my opinion with a "that's nice" smile & nod, fourth that he's an analytical thinker even on a bus ride after a gruelling day and under the weather. The fact that he identified with being unable to "keep up with" philosophers confirms that fourth notion, that it was his first logical outlier, that "what about this option?" mechanism that can bring you into the craziest of places. It also made me relieved to think, OK maybe he's not a SUPER super genius, but just a genius. I sho' do like being challenged. I asked this guy that original question because, throughout the semester, he has challenged me to take my studies more seriously just because you can tell he does his readings & assignments and contributes to class discussions etc. fully on his own desire. You can just tell he could be doing something else. He is there because he wants to be and he plans to reap and glean ALL that he can. The more I thought about this, the more convinced I became that he was seeing something that I just couldn't focus my eyes on... so I had to ask.

border-line obligatory

Yesterday was a bad day and today stands to be worse. I don't like pity and I don't like the tension in my relationship with God at present. hmmm
I keep telling myself that there's only x number of days left before this is over. IS THAT EVEN TRUE?! Is it even going to be done or are we dealing with something deeper than daily events?
hmmm

Well, yes. In terms of school, yesterday was horrible. In one class I had at 40% paper and a 30% final both due/beginning at 08h30 (the FIRST Monday! who does that?). I wasn't ready for either and I bombed both. We'll see what the future holds. (How useless a statement.)

I had another final at 19h and that one was a breeze, as expected. I realized, though, after leaving (at 19h30..haha) that I need to give credit to and thank God profusely after those examinations, just as I do after writing ones that I struggle with. Lest I should boast...

The only thing that made me nervous about this time was that I was going to see a friend of mine who I had emailed 5 days before about something really heavy and had the potential to produce tension or awkwardness or a general you-just-killed-the-friendship-ness. That day, that fateful Wednesday before, we had talked about his views on religion and God. This was very relieving and exciting for me because I have been avoiding this topic with him for the past three years but did, somewhere, have the desire to ask him. (This is what I like to call being "spiritually interested" in someone. For me it usually happens with someone I barely know, leading me to conclude it's from God.) It was nowhere NEAR as unpleasant or volatile as expected but it did leave me feeling ... truncated for lack of a better word. There were too many things I had wanted to say but couldn't because (a) I was so emotionally wound-up that I wasn't speaking properly, (b) he needed to go meet someone soon and (c) this was such new territory (AND I don't know him all that well) that I didn't really know how much I could get away with. So, when we parted ways, I felt like crap under a dump heap. MMMmmmeh. I saw a friend & believer upstairs immediately after and gave her the abridged version. It's good to be able to tell openly and be understood. :) Soon after, I decided I would writes him an email because (a) I wanted to keep the dialogue open and (b) I thought it critical that I explain/debunk certain things. (Is this even true?)

The email ended up being 11K, even after I worked hard to shorten it. It was in HTML format so I think that, like the camera, always adds five pounds. I prayed on it before sending it and then didst my best to let it go. This is the moment I find it difficult to "leave the resultats up to God". Thankfully enough time passed and enough distracting things happened over the next day or so that I could move on.

I see him on Monday, my Blister Juice friend. I love it when he swears when we're talking because it means that he's comfortable and being himself (it doesn't always happen). Yesterday, I caught myself childishly lamenting, "I wish I could still swear..." I guess I was feeling left out or uncool or something.
We're sitting a final together but he's fourteen feet away in an almost full but small classroom. I'm a row ahead of a close friend, twisted backward to talk to her. I saw him but I didn't think he saw me and I hadn't get decided if I was going to initiate anything. I was just plain nervous and trying to avoid him incase I got an evil stare. Small break in conversation - I turn back to my desk to remove a coat or a pen or something and then, on turning back around to talk, Blister Juice friend sees me and smiles. I smile in a very much involuntary, very much "yes, I'll have some more morphine, no, I don't know how stupid I look" way and wave (because it's become a habit as of late) and then force myself to continue talking to my friend because I look ridiculous. Do you know what that smile meant? In all of one moment - in a second - I was told that we were still friends, that I still had his respect and MAYBE even that he appreciated the email. Wow... just the fact that he would smile meant a redonculous amount to me. I just couldn't deal... it was outrageous. And my own smile, it must have looked stoopid. I wonder if he could tell that. Hmmmp. I like genuine emotions.

I hope I get to see him again. He's graduating this semester but will stay in Guelph. He also rides my bus to get to work so maybs we will meets again. I should ask him what he thought of the mail because I certainly didn't even come NEAR the subject in our after-class chat. I don't know if that was wussy or wise. I almost wanted to leave it so that I didn't have to justify it or ask for his validation. I said it: deal with it. I dunno. Either way, thanks be to God.

on rape

Should I comply to try to minimize physical pain or should I resist to preserve dignity (or something like it)?

what can you do 1000 times without getting better at it?

Silas burst my bubble. (booooo)

The greatest thing about a day of non-stop gogogogogogogogogo crazy work is that those ten minutes you spend sitting still thinking about leisurely things (or about nothing at all) in a cozy spot with your eyes closed are the most GLORIOUS minutes of life.

note: post and post title are unrelated (directly).

no one but I will know this, BUT

this quote is a horrid trivialization of an amazing (in that I was amazed but not in an exclusively positive manner) conversation I had this evening with a very cool person:

Blister Juice:
It's like pus but sweatier!

unexpectedly

Three things I picked up from the JESUS film:

This is the first time I had seen it. It was dubbed in French and subtitled in English. I love how my thoughts on the walk home were all en francais. :)
(1) If someone asks for your coat, give them also your shirt. / Give without expecting to get anything back. (these are paraphrasables)
(2) No one lights a lamp to put it under a bowl.
(3) You were one of those with him, weren't you?

1 - I was thinking abstractly about this verse earlier on today but it didn't hit me quite the same as it did during the film. I like the verse, I like how it demands much of people. I like the bit where it says, "If someone asks you to go one mile, go with him two." It's like self-contempt; it's good. But this experience centred on the giving without expecting. Of course, the only good gift - or true gift - is the one that is given without reservation, strings attached or conditions. True. I was thinking about letting things go. I was thinking about how worldy possessions are no good (not unless they're consecrated to Him and surrendered fully to His purposes). I was thinking about giving AWAY things as gifts the way I would give a gift unsolicited. I mean, if someone asks for something (material) that I do not want to give, then I need to have an open palm, as if it were something I had selected for this person, for the purpose of giving away; as if I had wrapped it immaculately and written a personal note in the card. I should.

2 - Rebuke, rebuke, rebuke. I've still got that image of Jesu putting a torch into its holder on the stone wall as they spoke of the nonsensical hiding of a light. DUH!! I don't understand how I overlook this. God put good things in us that we might show that light before men. What good is it elsewise? It's easy for me to think that He saved me for my sake because of my immense gratitude and because of how I live my life -- because I've been raised from the dead. But, realistically, it has very little to do with ME in the grand scheme of things. He put His awesome Spirit within each willing body that (a) His glory would be manifested & multiplied and (b) more would see and know... and come to know. Thus I conclude: how harshly have I been ripping off God in this whole process? Who the heck cares how much I want to talk or how I feel about anything? God's greatness in me was designed to shine. Amen.

3 - Hooooooow eagerly and easily I deny Christ!
Seeing Peter's face, seeing him back away from inquisition with wild-eyed fear reminded me too much of myself. Be associated with THAT man?! Never! How shameful. (Insert: "After all He's done for you...") And it's horrible because He predicted it; He declared it to my face before I did it... but I took no warning. I couldn't help myself, I suppose.
How eagerly...... What's it worth? What is my self-respect worth? What of my comfort? my dignity? respectability, friendships, etc. etc.?
"The Wondrous Cross"'s first verse has been training me as of late and this very morning I heard the words for once as a poem, not a song and found a fuller impact of the words.
When I survey the wond'rous cross
On which the King of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride.
Over and over I have been declaring to myself, pour contempt on your pride. "Contempt" is an excellent word in this situation. Also as of late I have been asking God to breed in me a hatred for the world. From this morning's sermon (Preparing for the King... from John 12, The Triumphal Entry), I verbalized what had been nagging at me for the past....all of my Christian walk: God show me the fullness of a humble king. I see Him fully as King King King of Kings and don't get that he was a simple man, not unique and in no way self-exalting because I know Him. I mean.. I can't see Him as the impostor that most men of His day did. I don't get it! I want to have an analogy that works with my limited brain. I want something contemporary. I can't think of anyone on earth who comes close to having as much authority, power, regalia, etc. as He (and rightfully so) and if they did, I soon smack this down as idolatry. What then? I want to understand Christ's humility. I see it in Him taking human form - talk about getting the crappy end of a swap.... I saw a bit of this in the JESUS film when Christ bowed to be baptized by John. (This was near the beginning so it surprized me that I saw this way for I had not been build up high enough to become attached to the character. I think I was just well primed beforehand and by that I mean, I'm familiar with the character of Christ to a reasonable extent.) Sometimes I think this way when I watch re-enactments of Christ's beatings and crucifixion (more with The Passion of the Christ than with this film) or when I remember them. I understand that the only one innocent is the most cruelly punished. Also today, watching the Messiah kneel, hands tethered, to 6 lashes with a multi-stranded whip I connected: that should have been me. This film was not very graphic at ALL. In fact, I did not turn away ONCE which surprized me. (The guy next to me covered his face and groaned when Christ's hands were being nailed down. I only stared and thought, "I've seen worse." I don't apologize for this attitude.) It became more violent and made me more uncomfortable, however, when I realized that, if I were to pay my debt, I'd be stripped and beaten within an inch of my life - and then finished off with a suspension that would force me to drown because I couldn't move to keep my lungs free of fluid. Ahh I couldn't take it. Yet.. I had it coming. Thank God for Christ.



I prayed for the two guys sitting next to me. They intrigued me for two reasons: (1) they were clearly intelligent and well-spoken, pensive types and (2) they stayed through the whole film and still watched the screen as the narrator told us how we could enter a relationship with the Living God. (What are they thinking right now, I wondered.) I prayed that something would get in. I prayed that their hearts would be opened. I pray that they wouldn't leave. I prayed that I would get a chance to talk to them. (I wanna know what they think!!!! -> stubborn child stamping feet) I prayed correctively next that someone would be able to talk to them. I want someone to ask, Hey what did you think? or, Was there anything that didn't make sense to you? I don't want them to walk away without reaping all possible information that they can. With clenched teeth I admitted: if they need to leave right now and be followed-up by someone I'll never meet, 2 months later; if they need to be contacted by YOU directly, God, then so be it. SO BE IT. I let go (mostly). I thought a bit and a bit about initiating some kind of conversation but CRINGED knowing how awkwardly forced it would be. Ahhhh. Another girl started talking to them while I pilfered some nachos (yay - roped in!). At this point, I'm amazed they're still here. Free food is great and all but come on... I wanted to get in but how to be graceful and not appear desperate? (I was desperate!) At first it was rocky but thankfully my first injection was spurred by a genuine gutteral intersted - they were analyzing art. (That's my kryptonite.) "What painting?" I poked my nosy head in. I was in and out for the next 15, 20 or so but never officially allowed into the conversation.
I love these people: the boys showed interest in Lee Stroble's A Case For...s and the friend and I were sad that we didn't have any copies with us or close by. I siddled out to a group of four chretiens that were talking a few feet away and asked if anyone had copies of those books. They said no but two offered to run to the Christian Clubs' office a 10-minute walk away to grab some copies. I love it. Even if they hadn't returned before the boys left, I like the spirit. I like the Spirit, too. By the time they DID get back the boys were in chairs and not going anywhere any time particularly soon. Something in me ever selfishly had seriously wanted to talk to them more (I think it's just that I am fascinated by this kind of person because they care so much about thought and about details and they give up so much time for conversation.. .I love it.) and so after I heard them say to eachother - since no one else was talking to them at that time - that they should head back to their rooms, they turned to say some goodbyes but before they could, I asserted, "Can I ask you guys a question?" Sure, they responded, inching closer as I spoke. Ha.. this question had been planted in my brain since Thursday night's Downtown Ministry run and boy! do I love how the Lord works. I guess I was partly trying to detain them so they could get their books but I also genuinely wanted to know and, like I said, I eat good conversation for breakfast. They had seated themselves because my friend asked bluntly, "What do you think of the concept of sin?" One guy says, "Let me get a chair," and we all laughed at the quickness of his response. I was half-hoping he wanted the chair for an illustration but no, he just knew that, "This'll be a long one." His friend went to get a chair, too (and I feel like a jerk for not running to get it for him since it was far more important that HE stay than I but whatever - lesson learned). Later, later, blah blah blah talky talky the two girls come back with two copies each of the Jesus: Fact or Fiction DVD, A Case for Christ and the New Testament with Psalms and Proverbs. (I still have those NTs with me and I kinda feel like a wuss for that but oh well. There is grace.) They handed them over.. I just love the guys' reaction. One is like, "Oh wow cool," and the other took a few moments before he even uncrossed his arms to reach for the materials. I love it. hahahah material possessions - surrendered. Then he says (the reluctant one), "Wow this is a doubly good evening. [laughter] No, no seriously -" His friend: "Oh, you said 'doubly', not 'devilly' [laughter] That would pretty much negate the point of the whole evening, I think." [laughter] "No, I said doubly. No wait it's tripley good. A movie... good food.. and now free stuff." Friend chimes in ever impeccably: "And you get to hang out with girls!" [laughter... soon turning awk] Good times.
We talked more. I really enjoyed those moments when the guys would stop or when they would "Hm" so that you know something new had registered. There was a moment where one guy threw his hands up saying, "Wow - that is profound!" I wish, for the life of me, I could remember what it was he was reacting to. I was hit with some revelations, too, and so was my friend, I know. The other guy seemed to be keeping an intellectual distance but whatever; I don't know what's actually going on inside. I love those moments and I count myself blessed to be a part of them. How glorious it is to say the truth in a different way; in a personal, relevant, timely way that just hits someone shooooom! right where it needs to. We talked about archery. They said it was impossible to hit the centre of a bull's-eye because there are no perfect circles and it's otherwise geometrically impossible to have a perfect centre of anything. We talked about sin, we talked about the biological and circumstantial reasons that people are corrupt or that they do nasty things.
I really loved this moment:
I had asked how one would support the claim that a good God cannot exist because there is evil and suffering in the world. One guy answered that people say the Biblical all-loving paternal God should not allow people - His children - to do x, y and z. I pushed, "I don't understand how you make the leap from an all-loving God to a God who allows people to do bad things." They cited their biolog and circumstantious reasons and I broke my argument into those two categories. It was interesting how our conversation moved around (there were 6 of us in it) to other things in-between but intermittently we returned to the original question. Biology: in the JESUS film, Christ had asked why He should not give freedom to a woman who had been held captive by Satan for 18 years. (She had a severe humpback and He had just healed it completely.) I paraphrased this and said, "And He likened it to something but I forget what," and the boys chimed in exactly what it was, that Jesus made the comparison of watering one's donkey and letting it out of its stall on the Sabbath. (How impressed was I!) "Right," I continued. If we want to take the biological route, we see that Jesus even calls a physical deformity an affliction courtesy of Satan which means that even what we're born with is sin - though it seems it's not our fault. (Shaky ground, I see. But friend to the left helped out & smoothed over.) One of the guys was tripped out by this. When a silence slipped up again a while later, I jumped back in (because I am SICKly obsessed with upbraiding conversations) and said, "OK so assuming that it's true what you're born with is still sin - because I said so [laughs, MUCH to my relief.. I realized I had made the executive decision that the whole group agreed with me which they fully might not have] let's look at the kind of behavior that you can't blame on Biology." I explained how I think it's an argument people formulate to assauge themselves, basically shirking responsibility for their actions. I didn't want to get to free will yet because that seems so obvious but also very daunting. When it looked like no one was following and I felt my time was almost up due to impending interruption, I threw in an analogy that I hadn't tested yet (last-ditch effort) and HERE is where I marvel ever greatly at God: "It reminded me of the Stanley Cup playoffs from a couple of years ago. Some team had just gotten kicked out - I think it was Ottawa - and they fired their coach. And people were saying that's like letting the players off the hook..." I trailed off, unsure of how to proceed without dumbing it down. That was my entire point there and I let it hang so I could move back into what I was saying but the pause served a greater function than any explanation where everyone was like, Hmm, wow, yea, etc. Scared by the response (how did that work so well?) I continued, "So I see it as a kind of a cop-out to say
[side note: someone in the family pulpit on Deal or No Deal just said, "Don't be greedy!" Uhhhh, are you kiddizzling me??? You're on a game show!]
it's a cop-out to say it's God's fault that I do this." It just shocked me to think that, two years ago, when I was watching Sportsnet, God imprinted a story & a concept that would be of invaluable use TODAY. Wow. (I really do like watching sports news coverage because I do not think like commentators and have much to learn. Delicieuse.)
The other dude lays on us an analogy that had just occured to him. "If a parent tells their child, out in the yard, not to throw their ball over the neighbour's fence, and the child throws the ball anyways, that's not the parent's fault." Yeaaaaaa, we all exhale in impressed agreement. That's perfect, that's perfect, I'm thinking. My friend outwardly agrees, "Yes!" pointing at the guy in mock-angry apreciation. I love that both those boys now understood - from their own mouths! - how we cannot blame God for our behavior. I nudged it a little further: "And think about it: the alternative is that God would tie the kids' hands behind their back, right?" They didn't jump on the train too eagerly. "That's not a very good thing to do to your kids," someone said; murmured agreement. "No but really: if God were to stop people from doing bad things, He'd need to fully restrict them." And what kind of a parent does that make Him? We let that sink in a bit. It was good.

Other favorite moment:
One of the guys was talking about a Leafs-Sens game he had attended during the play-offs. It was Game 4 and the Leafs were up by two (these are the details he gave us). When Toronto won, the audience threw brooms on the ice and started yelling, "SWEEEEEP!!" I don't remember what exactly he was getting at with his story (if anything) but I jumped in, incredulous, "Who takes a broom to a hockey game?!" We started laughing and it got a bit ridiculous after that. The three of them were talking about something and then I whispered cunningly, "Maybe they're WITCHES!" and then they took it off. Man, I laughed. My friend added, "But how would they get home?" and then, "That's like people throwing their car keys," the other guy: "Or bus tokens.." Man it was amazing. I love it. I loved it. Good times.