"at around midnight all the STOP signs turn to YIELD signs.. at least that's what I think"

God makes good things. This is what I have decided. I attended a wedding on Saturday and I couldn't believe the gloriousness and the beauty that I saw. The music was phenomenal (as in it-rocks-my-foundations good), the couple was ecstatic and God was clearly pleased. I gave the bride a hug and it was so great b/c it's probably the first non-awkward hug (I mean 100% non-) I've had in months and a while. She and I seem to have this crazy weird connection that I would only cheapen by discribing and I love that I was able to celebrate with her. That word, by the way, is fantastic when it's not being over-used. Celebrate.
My thoughts as of late have been that God deserves to be the total centre of attention even on your wedding day when you think the spotlight is yours. Not even then. And how much more gloried is He (and, in turn, you)? Taking things away from God leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth and a merciless sense of regret in my stomach. I think also of the last funeral I attended and recognize that it also was a celebration of God and secondly of one life's contribution (by God, for God and through God). [I wish we wouldn't be so lazy with our language and run good phrases into the ground like grooves in a popular hallway. "By God, for God and through God," is a good way to do anything but it's also a good way to "flesh out" a prayer if you're stuck for words and/or flying on auto pilot.]
I hung out with a tripe-load of Christians this weekend and it was kinda cool. I generally like Christians. I listened to and participated in musical worship and I found myself almost ashamed to realize how far away from a front-line warrior I have become. The gospel doesn't take summer vacations... how do I always forget this? Wasted time is a killer. I believe that God is forgiving but I do not believe that I will easily or soon change. If only I could remember...
I was thinking the other day how miraculous it is that I was saved. I was -- saved. I think I was coming down Islington Ave just past Eglington, looking out the westward window and I realized, "I became a Christian." How fantastic is that? How am I not grateful? I am a different person because of God - and before God - and I don't even notice it these days. A dim light have I cast into a Las Vegas casino strip.

You know those things that you only do because they're hard? Maybe you don't do them but I do. I really get a kick out of challenging myself for the sake of a challenge. What's the point of taking the easy road? How are you better off? .... I should blow up this philosophy into a life-sized goal.

olfactory again

Man, I haven't smelled this place in weeks.

My library smells like electricity and cleanliness, books and cooled air. The memories that come back the sharpest are the ones surrounding other droughts. I think of my first week or two when I came here because I was insanely bored, shy and fully not into drinking.

I remember other times when I came here for long periods because I was heavy into the studying. (This was usually around the time of final examinations and also near the beginning of the semester.) Something - however cheesy this may sound - smells like ambition and maybe that's not the word I want. It smells like hard work and perseverence. I can't make this sound normal but this is the best I can do. This smell is encouraging. It would spurr me on because I remember all the times I walked out of here finished with an assignment or with a chunk of studying, reading to go home, guilt-free. It's like the concrete stairwells in my first-year on-campus residence. They smell to me always like the music urge and anticipation because I skipped and sang down those steps so many times toward the piano room at the bottom. How glorious were those days...

I really do love school sometimes but not at those times when I should have been in bed an hour ago and this conversation is still so stinkin interesting. My grand weakness, I've discovered, is closing my bedroom door when housemates are gabbing. This is my last year and I am more than ready to go. I would love to have a university degree. I'm sure that won't make sense to me until I get it but I do look forward to it greatly. Talk about a sense of accomplishment. yah

and I think

Twenty-five days ago I was last at my dad's house here in the Saugs. My fourteen-year-old brother stepped out of the kitchen where I had just left to ogle the pictures on the mantlepiece. He says, "Jess, when are you going to change?" Surprized but expecting nothing serious I ask with a short laugh, "What do you mean?" He explains, "When are you going to turn into some business woman -" (at this point I thought he was going to tell me to grow up) "-and stop dancing around in the kitchen and singing weird songs?" "Never, Jahrann," I said. "I hope I never stop that," and he said, with his characteristic unneccessarily loud and abrupt voice (that works very well for comedic timing, I might add), "GOOD!" I told him it was up to him to hold me to the unspoken promise.

whipflash

It's like a love affair with a man I can never be with. Can you imagine ...?

Some days it's absolutely unbearable as well as entirely inscrutible.

He's beautiful, he really is. Every now and then, just listening to him speak makes me cry. Other times, his mere presence gives me the insane urge to busily and eagerly become a better person. I feel like cleaning up my life because if anything else is imperfect when he's around, he is not being done justice.

We know eachother well and some days it seems like we're standing a few inches apart but I still cannot touch him. Is it lack of arm strength in me or lack of desire in him? Sometimes it seems so simple but I -just- -can't- -move- any closer.



It bothers me that there's no deadline. There's no way to say, "OK, at least by the time I'm 25 or 40 we can be together," no. I have no guarantee that I will ever get to have...
There's no guarantee that I will be able to make music with the freest of expression.

I want to be a musician and I'm waiting.