Five Firsts of Ever

I'll go in chronological order. (Maybe the new series can be lists! I love that idea.)

(1) I have never applied for a visa before. Today I applied for a Russian Business visa at the Consulate here in Edinburgh. I enjoyed the experience.
I was sad when one of my teammates used thick irony to tell me how stressed and not at peace and not trusting he was feeling. I really didn't expect it from him and I wish I had recovered from shock soon enough to actually talk him down, but there it is.

(2) I like alfredo sauce when it's not too thick and not too creamy. I don't like it when it's heavy on the mushrooms or makes me want to gag. Sometimes it does!
Today I made alfredo sauce and SHUTUP it was delicious. Next time I will use less Parmesan cheese but it was just delicious. Egg tagliatelle and alfredo sauce with shrimp in. Mmmmm.

(3) Today was the first day I wore a pair of Chucks out of the box that didn't pinch or bite or assure me that I needed time to work them in and should hold onto the old ones for a while longer. I almost bought the size smaller because they felt the same as the pair (pairs) I've been used to. But then right before I checked out, I asked to have a gander at one size up...juste to be sure. Oooh baby! Je suis chuffed.

(4) Today was the first day I heard about someone having more than three miscarriages. I watched a program this evening called "Drinking with the Girls" and I want to write more about it but that would ruin the list. It was a docu-ish kind of show investigating the drink culture among women & girls in the UK. The host looked at pullers (this poor lady - her trust of men completely decimated, she meticulously orchestrates with her friends a way to make all the men at the pub gawk [i.e. practically mess their trousers] only to unequivocally and completely reject the guys....and she was just breaking down inside in a HARSH way), the underage drinkers (hangin with two 14-year-olds), uni students (fit in! freedom!), excuses to celebrate, moms (this one was scary...the lady had gotten pregnant before she wanted to which truncated her dance career and so once a month she binges to recapture her youth and freedom/autonomy), midlifers and grannies.
The woman they talked to to represent the midlifers - I think her name was Ann - she was 59 and lived alone.... She had three jobs, she sang in a group and was a part-time student. She talked about how she was very deliberate about filling her time. The host asked about the photo of an infant on the kitchen counter. Ann said it was her late daughter who passed at three months and a week. She talked about briefly about having a second husband and then said she had had eight miscarriages.

Eight miscarriages.....how does that happen? How. I don't know what else to say about that. I will probably cheapen it.
Boy, do I wish I knew how to pray. I ruined the list after all.

(5) I have been called a perfectionist about half a dozen times this year by a few of my teammates. I don't like it.
I didn't like it at first because it sounded like a softer way of saying that I was too detail-obsessed. (I know I pay mad attention to details. I might be obsessed...it's hard to say from the inside.)
Then I didn't like it because people wouldn't help me understand what they were saying. My questions were dismissed as coming from pure defensiveness. If I actually have a problem..I wanna know. Directness is helpful.
It was said to me again two times in the past two days on the same topic. Frustrated, I blurted, "Why does everyone think I'm a perfectionist??!" (I wish I hadn't said "everyone" because it's clearly untrue and weakens my position but...there it is.) To me it communicates that I am unreasonable and dangerously obsessive. My classic response to it has been, "If I were a perfectionist, I'd be good at something." [I don't mean good in an absolute way - I mean that I would be an expert at something. I would dedicate and hone and become consumed. Tonight I likened it to having an eating disorder: there's a distortion of reality so that the person is never satisfied, EVEN IF they may be ridiculously underweight (a "success" in the sense of being thin, but obviously not a true success).]

perfectionism
2. a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.

In these last two instances, I have asked, "What is so wrong with wanting excellence?" I really stand behind that qvestion. If excellence can reasonably be attained, WHY NOT PURSUE IT? I like to think I am reasonable. (I desperately hope I'm not wrong.)
When I hear 'perfectionist' I hear all this stuff above but most urgently I hear that I put far more work into what I'm doing than is needed. THIS IRKS ME because it says I should be able to accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish with less effort. The fact that I can't do it with less effort just makes me sad when someone puts their finger on it. I greatly dislike having to tell people, "NO, I can't do that; NO, that actually isn't easy for me." Me, I don't mind being good at some things and not good at others (....pretty sure that's how it works for everyone...) but I don't like when people don't believe me about the things I'm not good at. I guess the assumption is that I'm using false modesty. (BLECH.)

"What's the first," you ask.
I had said, "Why does everyone think I'm a perfectionist??" and the gist of the two peoples' response that I got was that they didn't think of perfectionism as a negative thing. (I asked for the dictionary.) Not yeah..not just not negative but they didn't have really the same definition - like to the extreme as dictionary.com's explanation goes - which does help.
One of them, upon re-entering the room at a perfect interval, says, "You wanna know why people think you're a perfectionist?" "YES," I say, with what I hope comes across as deep interest not frightening eagerness and plans to shut down. "Because you do a good job."

That's the first time I've been given those words. First time I've been told that I do a good job in the blanket (skillset) sense, not the one-off (task) sense.
I quickly made a full photocopy, took a digital photo, a sketch and a court stenographer's record of the statment and then when that half-second was up, I said, "There's a HUGE difference between doing a good job and being a perfectionist." I .....yeah. I don't know if I regret it or not. I went on to explain the eating disorder comparison and I think that helped stuff click. I just wanted them to understand what they were communicating to me with that word. Now that I know what they mean, I don't need to respond to something that isn't being said.
I hope my heart is clean and satisfied come tomorrow morning. I feel terrible about this....I really don't like being constantly reminded of the things I have to bust my hump to do well. Ach... it's sleep time.

Maybe I should be explicit: That "because you do a good job" was hideously flattering. It was helpful and I am shocked on at least three different levels. But it's wrapped in unpacked crap...I hope I can....unpack. Word.

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Five Things I Wish I Could Do

I wish this was a new series cos it sounds like fun.

1) A drumroll
(first choice: snare
second choice: timpani)

2) Play in a professional North American sports league
(NHL, MLB, NBA in that order)

3) Mate with Jamie Oliver
(I don't know...he's just been on my mind lately because he's subroyalty in the UK and I respect his mad culinary skillz)

4) Get a Masters degree in English or Music Theory

5) Change the ends of John Lennon, Bob Marley, Jimmi Hendrix, Marvin Gaye, Heath Ledger
(Especially Bob Marley)


Note: number three is not serious as it is specific. I think what it actually means is that I want to get married to and mate with a man that I find ridiculously attractive firstly for the inside and then secondly, for the physical ...the kind of attraction where the first bit incomprehensibly magnifies the second. YES.
----
MUSIC is amazing... the Rasta are on to something.

Something else: I have a special corner of my heart reserved for the film I Am Legend (2007). Can't believe how I reacted the first time...but in a way that makes it all the sweeter. But, staying on topic, I love how the music of Bob Marley figures in that film. I should buy a copy to see if the special features will tell me anything about it.
The bit where he's talking to that woman, he's telling her about the music and is amazed that she doesn't know who Bob Marley is? "Ziggy?" she asks. Pff. I remember being a little saddened to think about how that day might indeed come when some younger generation doesn't know who he be. But, he's lasted longer than he could have...just like Elvis and the Beatles so we'll see.
We watched this film for a small-scale outreach at the end of last term and during the discussion, I almost giddily pointed out that using "Redemption Song" during the closing credits fit well because of how the cure could redeem mankind (in some sense).
People nodded their head, "Ahhh..." and I heard, "Really? I didn't know that's what that song was called..."
Our conversation facilitator asks, "Do you all know who Bob Marley is and HALF our guests said they didn't.
WHOOOoooooatt?? That fateful day has come! Can't belive it..
Now, granted, they were people who didn't grow up in North America so that might help. They also happen to tend toward naivete so...yeah. I still have faith.

Ah, Bob.
I could go on for days with all the fragments and memories I have about him and his music. They've all categorized themsleves very nicely leaving me with an overwhelmingly warm & pleasant feeling every time his name or his music comes up.
I'm afraid to write them down because I think I'll lose them or forget them as soon as I start.
I like to think that they will come out in their own time...which will be shortly after I fully sink my teeth into recordings of his music. (I flabberghast myself that I don't have any of his or the Beatles when they're the artists who make me weak in the knees and drool at the mouth MOST.)

Sheesh.

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Rockin' Robin

The other day I come home around 7 or something and started cooking spinaci e ricotta tortellini. And then I decided I wouldn't go out with my cousin because it didn't fit. So basic-ment I had the flat and the evening to myself which, I think, is just what the doctor ordered. (I need quite a bit of that these days, actually.)

I caught up on emails and watched a bit of the Simpsons. I sent a Gospel of John study away, as I should have done earlier in the week which felt really good to be done with and then around 10.30 I thought perhaps it was time to watch a film. I like...fitting those things in where I can. Actually I'm pretty sure I watched The Office before the film. Out of the ones at hand, the flick I chose was Casino Royale (2006). I saw it way back closer to its release date and remember liking it very much, esp as a Bond film (which I am usually pretty meh about).

I just saw two tiny lambs frolic and chase one another. Oh, it's good to ride the train in England/Scotland. :)

I can't seem to get into a lot of action films because honestly I get confused by the plot. They seem to give a lot of intense information in short bursts and, while I'm working things out (usually conspiracies or chains of betrayal) they're either moving on to the next piece of the puzzle or it's a chase scene. Just can't keep up. But for the surface-ish level at which I get them, I like them. I'm still not sure I understand Jason Bourne's story. But, I'm starting to wonder if I'm looking for more than there actually is. Better bone up before the fourquel comes out next year.

But I was really into Casino Royale this time, I donno why. I think I have more often than not watched action flicks because of the people I'm with and I enjoy it more for the viewing experience than the film itself. But when it's just you, you gotta actually WANT to watch. And I made a point of not doing anything else simultaneously. On top of this I strained myself to follow the plot. Sounds silly but it's true. I may have rewound the disc a couple times to be sure and the film is A LOT COOLER once you get all of what's going on. Yeah, I enjoyed it. I think Daniel Craig makes a decend Bond though I don't really have anything to back that up with.

I think I'm ready to rewatch Quantum of Solace (2008) and The Dark Knight (2008) again.

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2 things I wish I had realized sooner

2 things that officially boggled my mind (like stunned me for a while):

I - that abstract art depicts things that don't exist in the natural world, and

II - that the members of the Simpson family are all rushing home to watch television.

i - I read something to this effect in the starting pages to a book entitled, "Abstract Expressionism".  I already get the sense that I'm an outisder reading this book and that everyone in it/in the room wishes I would just go away.  But they can't tell me that cos it's public property.  The book says, "...Wassily Kandinsky, who in about 1911 had abandoned any pretence at copying the world of objects."*  I'm sitting on the underground reading this and have a moment of WHABAM! as I realize what I'm being told.  DUH!  Duh...the whole point is to show something that cannot be found in nature.  Dang.  Dang, do I ever feel like a dunce cap.

ii - I'm guessing the idea is that they're doing what we/our families should be doing...rushing home to watch the Simpsons?  It's such a cool mirrory idea.  I never really thought about it til just now but I think it helped that I am watching the second episode of season one where the opening credits show Lisa riding her bicyclette home which I have never seen.  So when I thought about HER coming home then I wondered, "What about Marge?  She stays at home most of the day."  Then I realize she's come from grocery shopping...and that Bart has skateboarded home after detention ...and Homer finishes work and drives....I just never put it all together.  Cool.

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*Hess, Barbara.  _Abstract Expressionism_. Los Angeles: Taschen, 2006.

I can’t say I was expecting this (600-4)

Today was the day that God said I should start reading Revelation. I’m not sure if I should say He said I could read Revelation or that I was ready to, but I think the point is made.

It’s quite a wonderful feeling. In all my Christian life (and probably before) I have heard Revelation is a hard book, that it’s crazy, that it could be divisive or many other things that lead me to believe it’s TOO MUCH for me and my little brain. I’ve also heard the word scary applied.

And I’m ready now. :)

Something that was said today about the book of Revelation, about how the judgment for everything wrong with the world will be complete (just, thorough, public) and how this is just SUCH a big deal, esp for those who aren’t exempt from judgment. I know a lot of people who aren’t exempt from that. This is a problem.

Also, during the whole session on that I took the most notes out of any session …it was voracious and I was all in it. I’m ready.

Some dichotomy I found while reading a sleezy newspaper in a sleezy coffee shop/restaurant in Birmingham:

[FINALLY - I've found kind of English I've been looking for. I thought maybe they only existed in folklore, exaggerations or stereotypes. But no! The twangy (almost cockney) accented / construction worker / lad/ladette / egg-and-chips English folk be here. In Birmingham. I've enjoyed. Seedy lil cafe... oh man. It's the UK's version of a truckstop diner but they'd never admit it.]

(1) In an article about the L'Aquila earthquake aftermath, they said something like 15 000 people were displaced which meant 10 000 were in tent cities and 5000 hotel rooms were "made available." My top-skim understanding was that "made available" was the indirect way of saying "hired". But what they meant was that Italian hotels had given rooms pro bono. I like this.
I mean...the circumstance sucks completely. But I like the hotel manager(s) or CEO(s) who says, "My country men are in need: I will give from what I have." If what you have is a hotel at your disposal, you offer rooms. I think it's fantastic. It warms my heart in a way I can't describe. Maybe this is the kind of thing people are referring to when they use the term "human decency".

(2) There's a man in the "Babes in the Wood" (?) case which I'd never heard of who was being accused (22 years later?) of taking part in come child molesting (and murdering as well?). Wow... I clearly didn't read too carefully. Anyways, what got me was the way the man's wife was defending him. The sort of defense that makes her sound like she was most interested in saving face - NOT in justice being served, NOT in her husband having a fair trial, NOT in knowing the truth....She was simply appalled that he could be accused. It's not even like she turned to look at him to be sure, "Yep, no - he couldn't have done it." It's just the outrage of the notion.

I dunno...I dont know anything about trust or about "knowing" a person, especially a spouse. I don't know what to expect!
I do know, however, of a very similar situation that a friend of mine was part of. The wife denied it but she actually witnessed it. (Not directly, but she knew about it.) This disgusts me...that your desire to [I don't even know the words!] outweighs the conscious inside you that should say, "Child molesters are criminals; turn him in." How do you....what is more important than protecting your/our children? I just don't understand...!
Your desire to SAY you are innocent? What's that something that stops you? Is it nothing more than heavy denial? Aie...it doesn't do me much good to think about this too much more.

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I miss Taco Bell?

(Didn't see that coming. I passed someone on the street today with a medium-sized blue paper cup w/ straw and lid... It could have easily come from Taco Bell. But the UK is not so much with that chain. I'm OK with this.)

What is the best thing in my life?


I don't know how important that question is but it's interesting. What could be my knee-jerk answer? What's the answer I think people expect? Respect? What about the one that would come after some deep thought.

Just now, I had bits of "Back to Your Heart" in my head and there's a bit in the second chorus that goze like this:
I donno how it got so crazy
But I'll do anything to set things right
Cuz your love is so amazing
Baby, you're the best thing in my life...

And when I first started listening to this song (bout 9 or 10 years ago), I would switch the word "Baby" to "Jesus" because I didn't think that a person (or more specifically, a girl in a pop song...those don't exist; they're muses) should be the BEST thing of all. People will fail you. God does not. I thought it was appropriate to say Jesus was the best thing in one's ("my") life ....and still - anything else equals idolatry.

It's weird that I said that, though, because I wouldn't have been a believer for another four years after that album was released. I just don't know.

It's easy to say those words but I'm not sure my heart is in it (has surrendered to it), nor that my life would reflect such a truth. I think my words often do but...well it's not the same. It's an assumption in the back of my mind (all routes, all equations lead to Him, eventually) but assumptions in my mind - like your mind - are not written all over my face, no sir.

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le jour du poisson!

what I liked:

-I texted my brother saying, "Can you help me with a prank tomorrow?"
13 nanoseconds later he responds, "Hell yeah".

No questions - not who or what or when - but YES. Not just yes but HELL YEAH. It's good to have an understanding.

what I did not like:

-having some of my pranks fail
-not planning enough pranks

what I did like:

-getting my team leader to send an email to the whole team about doing something that we'd hate. they all bought it and I got to play along. the ruse wasn't discovered for about 12 hours. I'm pretty pleased.

what was crazy:

-that while I was at my teammates' flat at 4.20 in the morning, one of their alarms went off...because they were planning to sneak into OUR flat. (we have a really sick team.)

-even though I called him a veteran and talked about how on edge I would be, I had NO IDEA what I was tangling with in one of my teammates. when he was pretending to leave our flat, he ended up sneaking right back in...and hung out in a vacant bedroom (in the dark) for more than an hour, waiting for us to go to sleep. sick part was that he didn't plan it...he was just going to sit there, on the fly, and do whatever struck him.

-the paranoia and distrustfulness that befell me..you have no idea.

what I regret:

-giving one teammate, a Brutus, immunity. I shoulda struck a better deal.

-giving in so easily when I was caught. (I thought I was REALLY caught but instead I was duped by heavy suspicion. You'd think I'd have learned from all the ways my brother used to do that to me. He would act like he already knew where I was hiding so that I would give up.. It's a wonderful smoking-out technique.)

my pride and joy:


in other news:
I have resolved to be more explicit, in general, as a person. I don't.... I don't know the benefits that will come from is but I'm starting to see why it's right and why I have avoided it.
I realized that, growing up, the expectation was that I either should know something or should be able to figure it out. What's more, if/when you DID figure it out, there was no pat on the back to be had because you weren't doing something above and beyond the call - this is just what is expected..however unreasonable those expectations might be.
I just committed to this with the above term "smoking-out" where I wanted to write "smoking" because it seemed to fit better grammatically and that's how I picture the process. But what I meant was similar to how you get bees out of their hive...or a rabbit out of its hole according to some cartoon short I used to watch called "Doggone Tired". So I said "smoking-out" hoping people wouldn't have to guess as much.
[I think this idea has repercussion further than I realized. Saying less - I've been discovering - makes me seem more closed and cryptic and, to the degree that's true, I don't really like it.]
In this commitment I'm thinking also of the realization I had this afternoon (the above one about "should know") and how I promptly explained it to my housemate who happens to be as extremely explicit as I am implicit. Maybe you can guess that we have had a few communication problems. I told her that partly because I think realizations are cool, partly because I watned to see how it would sound outside my head but mostly because I wanted her to understand how hard it is for me to understand how she expects as much as she does in terms of details and explanations. At a certain point it makes me cringe. When it seems people are asking to be spoon-fed it's really hard for me to not pull a nauseated face and/or walk away.

So, I'm learning.

And the final moment I'm thinking of is about..2 or 3 years old. I was on the grey stairs in the UC of the University of Guelph and talking to one Silas Wong whose name I will use because I don't think he'll mind. It was the day (or the next meeting) after he'd first commented on my blog and so I asked what he thought. He said - and I forget the exact words - something about me not giving context, about how it's hard to know what I'm talking about. It's a bit like reading the middle 60% of a book, isn't it? Or taking weeks 3 through 8 of a 12-week course where you don't get the set-up and you don't know how it ties together but you do get the sense that you're in the thick of things. I don't really know what to say about that but I realized that, as I have unrealistic expectations for how much people infer (because inferring is what I do....all the time) I have been leaving out bits of the story that I actually want people to know. I'm not trying to be standoffish or unapproachable. I wish people would ask questions. I've set myself up here. I'm trying to fix it. And by that I mean, I should be asking Jesus repeatedly to help me fix this.

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