Had such an intense conversation this afternoon that, later sat in front of a big screen, I couldn't focus on a baseball game. As in, it went in one ear/eye and out the other. Couldn't engage with or process it. But, it's OK because baseball (television, the MLB, entertainment) doesn't matter.
Got two massively harsh rebukes today, one from the sermon and one from across a small table. Neither made me feel very comfortable but the latter was desperately unpleasant. (It's harder when you have to make eye-contact and when there's silence after bombs are dropped.)
Aie.
Life.
Hmm. This post was supposed to have more to it but I'm at a loss.
Got an "Are you OK?" today that looked so concerned it freaked me out. Felt like I couldn't say yes! Managed to get out of it in the ideal way which made me happy cos it's rare. I told my friends that I was confused but that it was OK because I would figure it out. They seemed to understand. I felt sheepish about not getting what was being told to me but it seemed the window for re-explanations was firmly shut. Doesn't matter. I was just taken aback by the conversation and I guess it showed on my face. We worked it out.
End of convo: "How do you feel, right now, in one word?"
"A little bit sad," I replied. I was pleased with myself for having answered without thinking. It came out honest.
"You seem to be sad at the end of a lot of our conversations."
"Yeah.. And that's OK!" At this time I don't sound or look sad at all.
(No verbal response)
"Have you SEEN the world lately??"
"Yeah, I guess there is a lot to be sad about."
It is a different kind of sadness than the typical. It doesn't paralyse or breed self-pity, it's a deep dissatisfaction with the state of things -- in my case breeding motivation to affect change.
It's OK. Felt a bit badly that the person asking questions ended up looking and sounding much sadder than I had been. Eep.
Life.
(Re-)discovered today that Christ is and should be at the centre of everything. (Not me.)
What am I doing??
Huh.
Thinking about reading The New York Times on a regular basis. Something I've just glimpsed has inspired and intrigued me (about the future and about "fitting in").
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Saturday, 30 July 2011
triet XXXIV
1 - Starting to believe I could do the local thing.
2 - Starting to see how MAD BUSY this month a gwan be for me.
3 - Starting to wonder about the future and how it might involve maths and sciences.
2 - Starting to see how MAD BUSY this month a gwan be for me.
3 - Starting to wonder about the future and how it might involve maths and sciences.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
You know what's funny?
On Tuesday I was chatting with someone about work and mentioned how much I like having real conversations with customers. It is one reason why I like the evening shifts (there is more time to talk).
I was trying to make the point that, in the absence of me being able to share the Gospel properly, I appreciate that the things I do naturally make people twig.
>I serve them well because they are people and people are inherently valuable.
[Behind the scenes, I serve well becaue I work as if working for the Lord. He loves people more than I ever could.]
>I ask questions that I care about the answers to because I CAN'T DO superficial.
[Secretly, I want the opportunity to share Christ with them. Less secretly, I just like talking to people and hearing their stories.]
>I go above and beyond because I can't do less.
[Truthfully, it costs me nothing. The opportunity to treat YOU as God treated me is invaluable and I seize it joyfully.]
So, on Tuesday as I explained my experience and my hopes, I said, with a touch of frustration, "I just wish someone would ask me WHY," because it's NOT that I'm a nice person. I can't be nice. Sigh.
Can you imagine, early in my shift, both my bosses turned incredulously to watch me hand bus tickets to someone from my wallet and one of them asked, "Why do you do these things?"??
I tell you I was dead surprised. I didn't know how to answer in the tiny window I had. I shrugged... I said, "He needs it and I have it... It's very simple." That is true... I guess that's not all of it but it's a start and I'll take it.
I was trying to make the point that, in the absence of me being able to share the Gospel properly, I appreciate that the things I do naturally make people twig.
>I serve them well because they are people and people are inherently valuable.
[Behind the scenes, I serve well becaue I work as if working for the Lord. He loves people more than I ever could.]
>I ask questions that I care about the answers to because I CAN'T DO superficial.
[Secretly, I want the opportunity to share Christ with them. Less secretly, I just like talking to people and hearing their stories.]
>I go above and beyond because I can't do less.
[Truthfully, it costs me nothing. The opportunity to treat YOU as God treated me is invaluable and I seize it joyfully.]
So, on Tuesday as I explained my experience and my hopes, I said, with a touch of frustration, "I just wish someone would ask me WHY," because it's NOT that I'm a nice person. I can't be nice. Sigh.
Can you imagine, early in my shift, both my bosses turned incredulously to watch me hand bus tickets to someone from my wallet and one of them asked, "Why do you do these things?"??
I tell you I was dead surprised. I didn't know how to answer in the tiny window I had. I shrugged... I said, "He needs it and I have it... It's very simple." That is true... I guess that's not all of it but it's a start and I'll take it.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Tutorial: How to Tell if You are an Angry Person
Also known as, How to Tell if You are an A**hole.
If, when someone in queue behind you impatiently moves too close to urge you along, you immediately respond with, "You need to f*** off," then you are probably angry and/or an a**hole.
(It stayed in my head but even now I have the urge to respond violently to the situation. Sigh. It's all true.)
If, when someone in queue behind you impatiently moves too close to urge you along, you immediately respond with, "You need to f*** off," then you are probably angry and/or an a**hole.
(It stayed in my head but even now I have the urge to respond violently to the situation. Sigh. It's all true.)
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Ewpe. Just had a moment where I was startled by my reflection.
Ehh. The bags under my eyes are ...visible.
I am 530 wake up from 0030 sleep last night. Day before was 330 to 930 sleep. Day before was bad but I don't have numbers. Thursd, Frides and Satty all had moments of gross exhaustion.
T: twitching and feeling nauseous forcing myself to stay up to finish an assignment
F: 40-minute walk (in the dirty heat) murdered me so that I had to crash on a friend's couch (and then floor) before heading to work. (was getting loopy/not seeing well or moving quickly.)
S: crashed on another friend's bed after work, after sleeping on the bus and after being too tired to eat all day (as if that makes sense). Red Bull did absolutely nothing. like... I drank it and felt the same (this is when I know it's bad).
Nonetheless, I traded slumber to meet assignment deadlines and to spend time with people I don't get to see often. I don't even care- it's worth it.
Was visited by FOUR of my friends at work this week (three unexpected). So weird (that it's all in one week).
Interacted with a millionaire today. I processed his transactions for fuelling a 43' boat. It took 752.423 litres (though that's not filled). It cost him $1090.
Eep. At first he handed me fourteen one-hundred-dollar bills to pre-pay but then decided to use his credit card after pumping. Ugh. I have never seen such things. It's a different life.
He didn't reach for the reciept I tried to hand him cos he didn't need it. I don't even know. He was so unrushed and unflusterable, it was weird. I think I think of extremely affluent people as being high-strung by default. Shows what I know. He was drinking peppermint tea from a paper Tim Hortons cup, like a normal dude.
I learned a lot today, both from an extended convo with a wonderful friend and from a condensed convo with a Wonderful Counsellor. The friend asked me, when I said I really didn't get something but wanted to, "What did Jesus say about it?" After I got past my initial DUH moment, I replied, "I didn't ask Him cos He doesn't know anything about me." Hahahah her face was priceless...which must mean my deadpan was convincing.
After we parted ways, I sat down with Him and I am really humbled by the depth of His response. There is something to be said for sitting still and not thinking too highly of yourself long enough to be corrected and advised.
Donno how much sense this made but I'm goin to sleep. As I typed to m'friend, I'm looking forward to church service tomorrow because it always puts the stuff on my heart and in my head through the fire, refining and winnowing ruthlessly and I am richly blessed for it.
Ugh. Sleep.
I am 530 wake up from 0030 sleep last night. Day before was 330 to 930 sleep. Day before was bad but I don't have numbers. Thursd, Frides and Satty all had moments of gross exhaustion.
T: twitching and feeling nauseous forcing myself to stay up to finish an assignment
F: 40-minute walk (in the dirty heat) murdered me so that I had to crash on a friend's couch (and then floor) before heading to work. (was getting loopy/not seeing well or moving quickly.)
S: crashed on another friend's bed after work, after sleeping on the bus and after being too tired to eat all day (as if that makes sense). Red Bull did absolutely nothing. like... I drank it and felt the same (this is when I know it's bad).
Nonetheless, I traded slumber to meet assignment deadlines and to spend time with people I don't get to see often. I don't even care- it's worth it.
Was visited by FOUR of my friends at work this week (three unexpected). So weird (that it's all in one week).
Interacted with a millionaire today. I processed his transactions for fuelling a 43' boat. It took 752.423 litres (though that's not filled). It cost him $1090.
Eep. At first he handed me fourteen one-hundred-dollar bills to pre-pay but then decided to use his credit card after pumping. Ugh. I have never seen such things. It's a different life.
He didn't reach for the reciept I tried to hand him cos he didn't need it. I don't even know. He was so unrushed and unflusterable, it was weird. I think I think of extremely affluent people as being high-strung by default. Shows what I know. He was drinking peppermint tea from a paper Tim Hortons cup, like a normal dude.
I learned a lot today, both from an extended convo with a wonderful friend and from a condensed convo with a Wonderful Counsellor. The friend asked me, when I said I really didn't get something but wanted to, "What did Jesus say about it?" After I got past my initial DUH moment, I replied, "I didn't ask Him cos He doesn't know anything about me." Hahahah her face was priceless...which must mean my deadpan was convincing.
After we parted ways, I sat down with Him and I am really humbled by the depth of His response. There is something to be said for sitting still and not thinking too highly of yourself long enough to be corrected and advised.
Donno how much sense this made but I'm goin to sleep. As I typed to m'friend, I'm looking forward to church service tomorrow because it always puts the stuff on my heart and in my head through the fire, refining and winnowing ruthlessly and I am richly blessed for it.
Ugh. Sleep.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
The truth is...
... that on the 10th of July, I got an iPhone. My previous device did not work very well but admittetly got me from A to B. However, I feel like I've been waiting two years for a functional phone. (I haven't. It's been about 23 months.)
I started making notes on Day One about what was new to me and/or I appreciated because it was too many observations to hold in. This is the list:
1) I don't have to do a test run with my alarm. The last one would occasionally not sound so I'd have to check it each night.
2) I no longer need to delete textmessages promptly. With the last phone I could hold about fifteen at a time and if there wasn't space, new texts woukdn't enter or they would half enter or they would be gibberish or they would DELETE OTHER TEXTS. It was a mess. Now I'm pretty sure I could go for months without needing to tidy up. (As you probably guessed, the habit is so ingrained that I DO consistenly delete but at least there's no panic or loss of data.)
3) Loved that I could complete a survey while on the bus. It's for my course and it wasn't terribly simple software... And it allowed me to get it out of the way a time when I couldn't do much else.
4) I was really excited to sync up my iTunes cos it's been many moons since I've had a personal listening device. I just wanted to know what it'd be like to have that capability.
4a) Imagine my amazement when, upon emerging from a not particularly long shower, all 619 of my files were synced. Wow. Bada bing and I was ready to go. Wow.
5) First few days it felt very weird to be carrying around something worth thiefing.
6) I noticed that I text differently because I view messages as a conversation and because sending is simpler and faster. I have been working on texting people without Smartphones like I used to text because I very often got frustrated when I couldn't keep up with iPhone- or Blackberry-having friends of mine.
7) If I hadn't had a crashcourse in the touchscreen Apple keyboard over the past while with my brother's iPhone and another friend's iPad I think I might have died of frustration the first week. What relief to not be a total newb.
8) I did an instinctive "wow" when I added a photo to a text message. I might have died from how simple and quick it is. It's really gross.
9) While I was still being cashed out in the shop where I bought the phone, I replied to a text my bro had sent and after the message went through, I pumped my fist and exclaimed, "YES! First textmessage!" I actually stumbled over my words a bit (from excitement) and the dude serving me said I was like a kid in a candy store. It was funny.
9a) Near the very end, he said, "Welcome to the club. It's a very exclusive one. We're like a clique." I jumbled together some reply about learning to be a snob and gave him props. He thought the props were funny. I thought him being a FULL nerd and being black was weird. And by "weird" I guess I mean "uncommon".
10) The first day and the following I was so hyped up on all the things I could do! that I needed to keep reminding myself that I was not invincible. I was thinking about how I couldn't make a quick trip here or there because an iPhone is not a car. Interestingly, I also had to continue dealing with the heat because an iPhone is not a fan. It was weird to wrap my head around both these things while sitting at the bus stop.
11) Turned off predictive text in the first 20 minutes. Haven't looked back.
12) I see it takes more focus but I hope to keep it hidden when with others (more distracted <-> less distracted). [unedited]
Less intense notes:
13) Moment's pause in utter shock of how well headphones work. 12/07 [unedited]
14) Amazing that I am late enough to the scene of Smartphones that most things I think I can do or can figure out are possible and are easy. [unedited]
15) Moment where the phone pays for itself: Listening to worship music when I'm feeling down, walking to a friend's house. Listening to it as I fall asleep. (recruiting help to push the terrible thoughts out.) 16/07 [unedited]
16) Paid $9.99 for an app called AtBat11 which gives me box scores and radio coverage for any MLB game that I want. It's...awesome to be able to listen to EVERY game anywhere I am. I'm really grateful. Apparently I even get video highlights. It's epic.
When I told my sister, who also has one, she exclaimed, "WELCOME TO LIFE!!!" Yep.
I started making notes on Day One about what was new to me and/or I appreciated because it was too many observations to hold in. This is the list:
1) I don't have to do a test run with my alarm. The last one would occasionally not sound so I'd have to check it each night.
2) I no longer need to delete textmessages promptly. With the last phone I could hold about fifteen at a time and if there wasn't space, new texts woukdn't enter or they would half enter or they would be gibberish or they would DELETE OTHER TEXTS. It was a mess. Now I'm pretty sure I could go for months without needing to tidy up. (As you probably guessed, the habit is so ingrained that I DO consistenly delete but at least there's no panic or loss of data.)
3) Loved that I could complete a survey while on the bus. It's for my course and it wasn't terribly simple software... And it allowed me to get it out of the way a time when I couldn't do much else.
4) I was really excited to sync up my iTunes cos it's been many moons since I've had a personal listening device. I just wanted to know what it'd be like to have that capability.
4a) Imagine my amazement when, upon emerging from a not particularly long shower, all 619 of my files were synced. Wow. Bada bing and I was ready to go. Wow.
5) First few days it felt very weird to be carrying around something worth thiefing.
6) I noticed that I text differently because I view messages as a conversation and because sending is simpler and faster. I have been working on texting people without Smartphones like I used to text because I very often got frustrated when I couldn't keep up with iPhone- or Blackberry-having friends of mine.
7) If I hadn't had a crashcourse in the touchscreen Apple keyboard over the past while with my brother's iPhone and another friend's iPad I think I might have died of frustration the first week. What relief to not be a total newb.
8) I did an instinctive "wow" when I added a photo to a text message. I might have died from how simple and quick it is. It's really gross.
9) While I was still being cashed out in the shop where I bought the phone, I replied to a text my bro had sent and after the message went through, I pumped my fist and exclaimed, "YES! First textmessage!" I actually stumbled over my words a bit (from excitement) and the dude serving me said I was like a kid in a candy store. It was funny.
9a) Near the very end, he said, "Welcome to the club. It's a very exclusive one. We're like a clique." I jumbled together some reply about learning to be a snob and gave him props. He thought the props were funny. I thought him being a FULL nerd and being black was weird. And by "weird" I guess I mean "uncommon".
10) The first day and the following I was so hyped up on all the things I could do! that I needed to keep reminding myself that I was not invincible. I was thinking about how I couldn't make a quick trip here or there because an iPhone is not a car. Interestingly, I also had to continue dealing with the heat because an iPhone is not a fan. It was weird to wrap my head around both these things while sitting at the bus stop.
11) Turned off predictive text in the first 20 minutes. Haven't looked back.
12) I see it takes more focus but I hope to keep it hidden when with others (more distracted <-> less distracted). [unedited]
Less intense notes:
13) Moment's pause in utter shock of how well headphones work. 12/07 [unedited]
14) Amazing that I am late enough to the scene of Smartphones that most things I think I can do or can figure out are possible and are easy. [unedited]
15) Moment where the phone pays for itself: Listening to worship music when I'm feeling down, walking to a friend's house. Listening to it as I fall asleep. (recruiting help to push the terrible thoughts out.) 16/07 [unedited]
16) Paid $9.99 for an app called AtBat11 which gives me box scores and radio coverage for any MLB game that I want. It's...awesome to be able to listen to EVERY game anywhere I am. I'm really grateful. Apparently I even get video highlights. It's epic.
When I told my sister, who also has one, she exclaimed, "WELCOME TO LIFE!!!" Yep.
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
nice!
Just watched the second half of Jays in 30 (a condensed version of the game of the evening) and it was wonderful. I had been listening to the game at work but shut it off somewhere in the 14th inning to not be rude to the person I was in a car with. I didn't know the outcome and just watched. And it was relaxing. Man.... turns out baseball relaxes me. I'm OK with this.
Rajai Davis stealing TWO bases in the final inning and Johnny Mac poking a sacrifice single to shallow centrefield bringing him across the plate with his spidery quickness? Fantastic. Love the walk-off sacrifice single. Never seen it. And now that I've watched ten minutes of The Colbert Report and eaten a bit of ice cream I think I am ready to get back to work. Sufficiently calmed and partially re-energized.
Mmm. I miss movies.
Rajai Davis stealing TWO bases in the final inning and Johnny Mac poking a sacrifice single to shallow centrefield bringing him across the plate with his spidery quickness? Fantastic. Love the walk-off sacrifice single. Never seen it. And now that I've watched ten minutes of The Colbert Report and eaten a bit of ice cream I think I am ready to get back to work. Sufficiently calmed and partially re-energized.
Mmm. I miss movies.
+
Well look at that - I managed to not send it. I typed it, looked at it, thought about what I just blogged and realized it just had to wait. It's not fair. I don't even know if I really think what I wrote because I'm probably not thinking clearly just now.
"Why are you sitting at the computer typing madly instead of just sleeping it off?" you ask.
My answer is mostly, "I donno." I know that sitting here it's not getting WORSE but maybe I'm just avoiding. Sigh.
When I woke up this morning it was actually with a loud yell. It was a guttural cry of are-you-kidding-me? that might be written "AAAAAUGHH!". I was annoyed that I had slept in for thirty-five minutes.
Right now I am annoyed by a lot of things. A lot of things. It seems to be worse because I don't have the luxury of time to consciously let them go/get over them because I still have other things to work on. Deadlines be all over the place. Deadlines.
Oh, deadlines.
Back to work.
"Why are you sitting at the computer typing madly instead of just sleeping it off?" you ask.
My answer is mostly, "I donno." I know that sitting here it's not getting WORSE but maybe I'm just avoiding. Sigh.
When I woke up this morning it was actually with a loud yell. It was a guttural cry of are-you-kidding-me? that might be written "AAAAAUGHH!". I was annoyed that I had slept in for thirty-five minutes.
Right now I am annoyed by a lot of things. A lot of things. It seems to be worse because I don't have the luxury of time to consciously let them go/get over them because I still have other things to work on. Deadlines be all over the place. Deadlines.
Oh, deadlines.
Back to work.
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
I am exceedingly frustrated right now.
It's been a slow boil for a good few hours... and I am shocking myself with how intense the frustration has become. Still working.
I feel sorry for the person who's about to get a text message from me on an unrelated topic. They will probably receive some undeserved snark.
(Watch me not send the text and wait til I'm calmer.)
I feel sorry for the person who's about to get a text message from me on an unrelated topic. They will probably receive some undeserved snark.
(Watch me not send the text and wait til I'm calmer.)
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Oof.
WHAT A WEEK.
It's like everything happened (if that makes any sense at all).
Tuesday, one of my super fun regulars was not having a good day. When I asked how he was he replied, "Miserable." I thought he was going to explain what was going on (like you would with a bartender, that amateur stranger psychiatrist) but he really was just not interested in being in a good mood. I asked and he said it was easier than being happy. (This boggles my mind though I TOTALLY GET IT.)
On leaving he says, "Besides - there's too many happy people in the world." I find this crushing for some reason. I suppose it's the pure, uncut cynicism. My face fell and I emitted a quiet, "Oh," not knowing at all how to respond. He half-laughed and almost seemed he felt badly about being so negative. Not sure. (Doesn't matter.)
Thursday he seemed downright angry. I don't know what the deal is. I find it hard because I like him (as in, he is interesting and kind) and I don't think of him as a customer. He's a person. He must be the recipient of the most quickly issued license to calling me "Jess". On the whole, I loathe being called Jess. I am actually turning away from the computer screen right now to avoid looking at those two typed versions. Mad stigma. Can't explain it. Very few people call me that... People in my family do and they are allowed because it doesn't really matter WHAT they call me....I just hear the relationship (if that makes any sense).
Some of my friends I have asked to not call me that and they have obliged (love it!). Some I have asked and they forget often (don't mind it). Some I won't ask either because it might embarrass them or cause mild tension (not worth it). But this guy... A couple weeks ago he walked in, walked straight up to the counter, and I said, "Hi S____," smilingly. He ho-ho-HO!s, "I guess I'm the one wearing the nametag now." He had forgotten his name was stitched on his uniform. I covered up my nametag to test him and he says, "Good one, Jess," without a second's hesitation. I was impressed. Normally I cringe hard when someone I just met calls me that because I think it will be hard for them to unlearn if that's how they met me. But with him I only smiled more biggerly.
I like using his name and he likes using mine. It's such a funny interaction we have.
And I hope that he gets unangry soon. I hope he has people in his life who love him and treat him well. I hope he has people to talk to, to have fun with, to blow of steam with/at. I hope someone or something diffuses his anger and gives him a good reason to be happy - or even a good reason to fight to be happy.
Sigh. On Wednesday I said in a still voice, staring at a table, "I need help," while sitting with someone I know and trust. It is a weird moment to be in, so it is. Gosh. Gosh. It is HARD to say those words.
I had a lot of trouble with that session.... I looked at the table a lot...fiddled with my notebook and pen a lot. I even "answered" a legitimate "why?" with, "I don't have an answer for you," which is something I hate to have to say. I hated that I didn't have a good answer; something reasonable or respectable to supply.
Ugh. We press on.
Tonight Batman stopped by. I mentioned this guy a few weeks ago. He looks like Christian Bale. Not that long ago I had his cigarettes ready before he had even finished pumping his gas (you don't NOT notice someone like that) and when I offered them before he asked he blinked and smiled a surprized, "WOW." He paused for a second, fully taken aback. (It's a popular brand but not a popular size. Moreover, this would be the fourth time he'd been in and he doesn't come in every week.) Understand that for most people it takes them coming in several times a week for about two weeks for me to remember their order. THAT'S HOW GOOD HE LOOKS.
He says, swiping his debit card and not making eye-contact with me, "I'm impressed. ... I am very impressed." I tell him it's my job... though I don't like encouraging people to smoke. I briefly explain how it's difficult to balance providing good (and personalized!) customer service with not endorsing or encouraging smoking. He seems to understand.
When he walked up that day, I said, "Oh look - it's Bruce Wayne," with a tone that shows I know it's annoying and unoriginal. I just feel it needs to be said. (Like when I call that other guy Justin Bieber. He does hate it.) He laughs shortly, surprized for some reason that I still make the association. Apparently he does not know what a mirror is. "'Bruce Wayne' ...that's good," he says to himself and I wonder if he actually hasn't heard it before.
It's been several weeks (three? four?) since I saw him before tonight and I almost didn't recognize him because he wasn't t-shirt, jeans and ball cap (cos he a country boy) but be-pocketed crisp, white dress shirt, dark jeans, classy belt & shoes and NO ball cap. I didn't actually know he was a redhead til today. I call an eyebrow-raised, "Hey!" of late recognition when he emerges from the bathroom. (I hadn't even seen him go in!) He "hi"s back and begins smirking because he knows exactly why my eyebrows went up. "You look so different!" I exclaim, rolling up my tongue and looking for a sponge to mop up the drool. He explains that it was a work conference/meeting-ish thing at the Delta... tells me a bit of what they were discussing and what perks they enjoyed. He tries to ask for cigarettes but I cut him off rudely saying, "I know, I know," waving my hand dismissively so he can get back to his story.
While I'm making change I put effort into constructing the following sentence: "So... when they were going to start the meeting, did they put the Bat signal in the clouds to call you in?" The eye-roll smile comes at the term "Bat signal" but his answer is quick and unfazed. "Yep. That's how they call me in." Now I'm the one caught off-guard and laughing. Touché, bro. Touché.
Thank you, goodbye, thank you, etc. and he meanders over to Tim Hortons. He is there long enough that I serve all my customers and am able to wander over as well. I ask the woman working there (who I know quite well and would consider a friend), pointing at him, "Who does he look like?" and he does the eye-roll smile again but this time it's much bigger. He is almost embarrassed. I am enjoying the part where I'm not intimidated by his handsomeness because I don't expect anything from him.
She says she doesn't know; that she doesn't know movie stars, etc. I say, "Are you kidding me??" (something I often say to her, actually hahaha) I throw my hands up and lament, "Am I the only one who sees this?" He chimes in, "She thinks I look like..... What's his name again?"
"Christian Bale," I supply, hopefully.
She disappoints me slightly with her quick, "Who?"
Losing hope I exclaim, "Batman!"
He adds, "She calls me Batman every time I come in here."
Tim Hortons friend doesn't get it - she hasn't really thought about it - but says, "So what? Batman is hot, man; come on!"
"Now you're talking," he responds (though if I'm honest it seemed slightly forced).
I leave at this point, to serve customers while she heaps it on a little thicker, how attractive she thinks Batman is. I am not listening because they are overlapping, and there's customers, and there's beeping, and I am surprized he didn't realize til now the sideways compliment. I do try to toss in my, "That's what I'm sayin!" but it's timid and unconvincing because at the last minute I don't want to be so explicit and my tone wusses out. [In the moment, a part of me is still able to recognize that my "that's what I'm sayin" Fresh Prince/black person self only comes out once in a blue moon. It's funny to me when it does cos it's natural but I often surprize myself.]
As he leaves he hollers a "Goodnight, ladies" to both of us. I note the country-boy cordiality stitched into his DNA. She replies and I don't (because I am not in the habit of talking over people OR returning pleasantries if I can't make them sound genuine). He speaks again and I assume he's going to repeat himself because my lack of response is rude to him. But, no. He says to me, "Have a good night, Catwoman," and is gone before I could even think of a retort. I laughed so hard. I threw my head back and laughed. Couldn't do it for long cos of the shock. But oh, man. Did that EVER make my night. Wow.
Geez. I talk about men a lot.
More things happened in this week but it's 00h55 and I need to quit.
It's like everything happened (if that makes any sense at all).
Tuesday, one of my super fun regulars was not having a good day. When I asked how he was he replied, "Miserable." I thought he was going to explain what was going on (like you would with a bartender, that amateur stranger psychiatrist) but he really was just not interested in being in a good mood. I asked and he said it was easier than being happy. (This boggles my mind though I TOTALLY GET IT.)
On leaving he says, "Besides - there's too many happy people in the world." I find this crushing for some reason. I suppose it's the pure, uncut cynicism. My face fell and I emitted a quiet, "Oh," not knowing at all how to respond. He half-laughed and almost seemed he felt badly about being so negative. Not sure. (Doesn't matter.)
Thursday he seemed downright angry. I don't know what the deal is. I find it hard because I like him (as in, he is interesting and kind) and I don't think of him as a customer. He's a person. He must be the recipient of the most quickly issued license to calling me "Jess". On the whole, I loathe being called Jess. I am actually turning away from the computer screen right now to avoid looking at those two typed versions. Mad stigma. Can't explain it. Very few people call me that... People in my family do and they are allowed because it doesn't really matter WHAT they call me....I just hear the relationship (if that makes any sense).
Some of my friends I have asked to not call me that and they have obliged (love it!). Some I have asked and they forget often (don't mind it). Some I won't ask either because it might embarrass them or cause mild tension (not worth it). But this guy... A couple weeks ago he walked in, walked straight up to the counter, and I said, "Hi S____," smilingly. He ho-ho-HO!s, "I guess I'm the one wearing the nametag now." He had forgotten his name was stitched on his uniform. I covered up my nametag to test him and he says, "Good one, Jess," without a second's hesitation. I was impressed. Normally I cringe hard when someone I just met calls me that because I think it will be hard for them to unlearn if that's how they met me. But with him I only smiled more biggerly.
I like using his name and he likes using mine. It's such a funny interaction we have.
And I hope that he gets unangry soon. I hope he has people in his life who love him and treat him well. I hope he has people to talk to, to have fun with, to blow of steam with/at. I hope someone or something diffuses his anger and gives him a good reason to be happy - or even a good reason to fight to be happy.
Sigh. On Wednesday I said in a still voice, staring at a table, "I need help," while sitting with someone I know and trust. It is a weird moment to be in, so it is. Gosh. Gosh. It is HARD to say those words.
I had a lot of trouble with that session.... I looked at the table a lot...fiddled with my notebook and pen a lot. I even "answered" a legitimate "why?" with, "I don't have an answer for you," which is something I hate to have to say. I hated that I didn't have a good answer; something reasonable or respectable to supply.
Ugh. We press on.
Tonight Batman stopped by. I mentioned this guy a few weeks ago. He looks like Christian Bale. Not that long ago I had his cigarettes ready before he had even finished pumping his gas (you don't NOT notice someone like that) and when I offered them before he asked he blinked and smiled a surprized, "WOW." He paused for a second, fully taken aback. (It's a popular brand but not a popular size. Moreover, this would be the fourth time he'd been in and he doesn't come in every week.) Understand that for most people it takes them coming in several times a week for about two weeks for me to remember their order. THAT'S HOW GOOD HE LOOKS.
He says, swiping his debit card and not making eye-contact with me, "I'm impressed. ... I am very impressed." I tell him it's my job... though I don't like encouraging people to smoke. I briefly explain how it's difficult to balance providing good (and personalized!) customer service with not endorsing or encouraging smoking. He seems to understand.
When he walked up that day, I said, "Oh look - it's Bruce Wayne," with a tone that shows I know it's annoying and unoriginal. I just feel it needs to be said. (Like when I call that other guy Justin Bieber. He does hate it.) He laughs shortly, surprized for some reason that I still make the association. Apparently he does not know what a mirror is. "'Bruce Wayne' ...that's good," he says to himself and I wonder if he actually hasn't heard it before.
It's been several weeks (three? four?) since I saw him before tonight and I almost didn't recognize him because he wasn't t-shirt, jeans and ball cap (cos he a country boy) but be-pocketed crisp, white dress shirt, dark jeans, classy belt & shoes and NO ball cap. I didn't actually know he was a redhead til today. I call an eyebrow-raised, "Hey!" of late recognition when he emerges from the bathroom. (I hadn't even seen him go in!) He "hi"s back and begins smirking because he knows exactly why my eyebrows went up. "You look so different!" I exclaim, rolling up my tongue and looking for a sponge to mop up the drool. He explains that it was a work conference/meeting-ish thing at the Delta... tells me a bit of what they were discussing and what perks they enjoyed. He tries to ask for cigarettes but I cut him off rudely saying, "I know, I know," waving my hand dismissively so he can get back to his story.
While I'm making change I put effort into constructing the following sentence: "So... when they were going to start the meeting, did they put the Bat signal in the clouds to call you in?" The eye-roll smile comes at the term "Bat signal" but his answer is quick and unfazed. "Yep. That's how they call me in." Now I'm the one caught off-guard and laughing. Touché, bro. Touché.
Thank you, goodbye, thank you, etc. and he meanders over to Tim Hortons. He is there long enough that I serve all my customers and am able to wander over as well. I ask the woman working there (who I know quite well and would consider a friend), pointing at him, "Who does he look like?" and he does the eye-roll smile again but this time it's much bigger. He is almost embarrassed. I am enjoying the part where I'm not intimidated by his handsomeness because I don't expect anything from him.
She says she doesn't know; that she doesn't know movie stars, etc. I say, "Are you kidding me??" (something I often say to her, actually hahaha) I throw my hands up and lament, "Am I the only one who sees this?" He chimes in, "She thinks I look like..... What's his name again?"
"Christian Bale," I supply, hopefully.
She disappoints me slightly with her quick, "Who?"
Losing hope I exclaim, "Batman!"
He adds, "She calls me Batman every time I come in here."
Tim Hortons friend doesn't get it - she hasn't really thought about it - but says, "So what? Batman is hot, man; come on!"
"Now you're talking," he responds (though if I'm honest it seemed slightly forced).
I leave at this point, to serve customers while she heaps it on a little thicker, how attractive she thinks Batman is. I am not listening because they are overlapping, and there's customers, and there's beeping, and I am surprized he didn't realize til now the sideways compliment. I do try to toss in my, "That's what I'm sayin!" but it's timid and unconvincing because at the last minute I don't want to be so explicit and my tone wusses out. [In the moment, a part of me is still able to recognize that my "that's what I'm sayin" Fresh Prince/black person self only comes out once in a blue moon. It's funny to me when it does cos it's natural but I often surprize myself.]
As he leaves he hollers a "Goodnight, ladies" to both of us. I note the country-boy cordiality stitched into his DNA. She replies and I don't (because I am not in the habit of talking over people OR returning pleasantries if I can't make them sound genuine). He speaks again and I assume he's going to repeat himself because my lack of response is rude to him. But, no. He says to me, "Have a good night, Catwoman," and is gone before I could even think of a retort. I laughed so hard. I threw my head back and laughed. Couldn't do it for long cos of the shock. But oh, man. Did that EVER make my night. Wow.
Geez. I talk about men a lot.
More things happened in this week but it's 00h55 and I need to quit.
Thursday, 14 July 2011
One of the weirdest realizations in a long time
I just heard "I'll Never Break Your Heart" by the BSB in its full cheesyness for the first time. I picked up that album when I was 15. I remember because it triggers memories of walking to school in the tenth grade listening to the album in my CD player.
Ugh. I'm not even listening to it now. I was rocking out to the second album, "Backstreet's Back" while I made lunch, inspired by the pub quiz last night where, again, the DJ played tons of 90s pop and when "All I Have to Give" came on I thought of the other track, their second single, the one where they're in a elevatorish apartment. Finally the name came to me (not easy when you're listening to something else) and I let out a surprised half-laugh and eye-roll.
I'll never break your heart.
...
I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me, honey, that's no lie.
[Shoot. Just noticed the "honey". Hahahahaha I must go on.]
From the first day that I saw your smilin' face
Honey, I knew that we would be together forever.
Ooh, when I asked you out, you said, "No," but I found out
Darlin', that you've been hurt; you felt that you'd never love again
[Pre-chorus!]
I deserve a try, honey - just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove it all wrong
You walked in; you were so quick to judge
Honey, he's nothing like me...
Oh, man. Quality work. When I was 14, 15, 16, 17 I heard nice words, and romanticness. When I was older and threw on the album for nostalgia (and just because I like the sound of Pop/boy bands...donno why) I heard music I enjoy, music I know in absurdly great detail and of course I am transported back to simpler days.
TODAY, I finally get a glimpse of the cheesiness that EVERYONE else in their right mind has seen all along. The cheese that makes you wonder how the young boyturds became millionaires and why hoards of ladies be swooning. It's uh..... certainly something.
Ugh. I'm not even listening to it now. I was rocking out to the second album, "Backstreet's Back" while I made lunch, inspired by the pub quiz last night where, again, the DJ played tons of 90s pop and when "All I Have to Give" came on I thought of the other track, their second single, the one where they're in a elevatorish apartment. Finally the name came to me (not easy when you're listening to something else) and I let out a surprised half-laugh and eye-roll.
I'll never break your heart.
...
I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me, honey, that's no lie.
[Shoot. Just noticed the "honey". Hahahahaha I must go on.]
From the first day that I saw your smilin' face
Honey, I knew that we would be together forever.
Ooh, when I asked you out, you said, "No," but I found out
Darlin', that you've been hurt; you felt that you'd never love again
[Pre-chorus!]
I deserve a try, honey - just once
Give me a chance and I'll prove it all wrong
You walked in; you were so quick to judge
Honey, he's nothing like me...
Oh, man. Quality work. When I was 14, 15, 16, 17 I heard nice words, and romanticness. When I was older and threw on the album for nostalgia (and just because I like the sound of Pop/boy bands...donno why) I heard music I enjoy, music I know in absurdly great detail and of course I am transported back to simpler days.
TODAY, I finally get a glimpse of the cheesiness that EVERYONE else in their right mind has seen all along. The cheese that makes you wonder how the young boyturds became millionaires and why hoards of ladies be swooning. It's uh..... certainly something.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
what more do you want?
I'm sitting under generous shade at the bus stop listening to Queen and typing this blog post. In real life it's about 28 degrees out but the shade and the wind....OH, the shade and the wind. :) This is mad comfortable.
Thanks, God.
That guy who went out of his way to say Hi to me a couple weeks ago did it again yesterday. I can't believe it. Long line-up and he's on his way to the door but turns around, catches my eye, mouths, "Hi, Sweetie," and winks at me. He doesn't know me at all. I don't know what he's talking about.
My most favoritest work friend - my most favoritest because HE MAKES ME LAUGH ... so much and so real-ly (if you know me, it's that extremely loud & obnoxious laugh that you can't make sense of) and because he is overflowing with common sense* - was in several times yesterday, which is typical for Monday. I was praying he'd be around cos he was the person who snapped at me last Monday as he had a bad start to the day after a weekend of crappy sleep. I clammed up at the time, too shocked to respond to his entirely uncharacteristic shortness. I've been hoping to get back to normal; to not be strained.
*It's tan-2006-Toyota-Camary-at-age-32 common sense sensible. Great work ethic; no-nonsense when he should be. If I didn't know his real mame I'd say he was the Sammy from "Spread Your Wings". He has an inner rockstar or Maximus Aurellius, or something.
Yesterday was not EXACTLY back to normal but it was good. What struck me, however was how well he could read me. His common sense is like my breath of fresh air and so I tend to engage with him often and deliberately. We actually bring or save things to show one another, to get an opinion or a laugh. Yesterday I had to keep telling myself to refrain from engaging or initiating (really cos I didn't want to have my head bitten off again) though I was still friendly and present. I mostly failed at holding back; he's too much fun.
Finally manage to cut it back to "Hello again" (as it was the fourth or fifth trip) and his reply - if I heard correctly - makes me want to laugh.
My face is twisting up trying not to laugh or smile cryptically while he is signing. But he catches me. He stretches out a "whaaaaaat?" It undoes the last defense and I laugh through a big smile. It is not the first time he's had to ask what I'm laughing at. I shake my head to comminicate, "Nothing," but he insists. He says, "I know you got something... I can see somehing up there brewing..."
[Editor's Note: I have obviously been away from writing for a while as I just now thought I could let those quotes stand on their own, as if anyone reading could hear the tone and see the facial expression as I can.]
His tone showed he expected me to supply answers. It was clear that it wasn't "nothing".
I was impressed that he knew I brewed. I do. Something was definitely coming down the pipe. I asked him to repeat what he'd said to my greeting and it wasn't what I thought. I explained that I thought he'd said, "Hello, Clarisse," like Hannibal Lecter said in The Silence of the Lambs (1991). It was also the second time he's done it ... but I strangely don't remember the context.
He laughs and then does his bang-up impression. I CRINGED SO BAD. Involuntarily twitched the whole left side of my self like you do when someone whispers in that sensitive pocket of your neck.
He continues with a creepier and more audible, "Can you hear the lambs, Clarisse?" I twitch and laugh, "You're making me cringe!" and he laughs LOUDLY as he leaves. I am still trying to shake the sound out of my head/neck after he's gone. My boss looked at me funny.
I think we'll be OK.
Thanks, God.
That guy who went out of his way to say Hi to me a couple weeks ago did it again yesterday. I can't believe it. Long line-up and he's on his way to the door but turns around, catches my eye, mouths, "Hi, Sweetie," and winks at me. He doesn't know me at all. I don't know what he's talking about.
My most favoritest work friend - my most favoritest because HE MAKES ME LAUGH ... so much and so real-ly (if you know me, it's that extremely loud & obnoxious laugh that you can't make sense of) and because he is overflowing with common sense* - was in several times yesterday, which is typical for Monday. I was praying he'd be around cos he was the person who snapped at me last Monday as he had a bad start to the day after a weekend of crappy sleep. I clammed up at the time, too shocked to respond to his entirely uncharacteristic shortness. I've been hoping to get back to normal; to not be strained.
*It's tan-2006-Toyota-Camary-at-age-32 common sense sensible. Great work ethic; no-nonsense when he should be. If I didn't know his real mame I'd say he was the Sammy from "Spread Your Wings". He has an inner rockstar or Maximus Aurellius, or something.
Yesterday was not EXACTLY back to normal but it was good. What struck me, however was how well he could read me. His common sense is like my breath of fresh air and so I tend to engage with him often and deliberately. We actually bring or save things to show one another, to get an opinion or a laugh. Yesterday I had to keep telling myself to refrain from engaging or initiating (really cos I didn't want to have my head bitten off again) though I was still friendly and present. I mostly failed at holding back; he's too much fun.
Finally manage to cut it back to "Hello again" (as it was the fourth or fifth trip) and his reply - if I heard correctly - makes me want to laugh.
My face is twisting up trying not to laugh or smile cryptically while he is signing. But he catches me. He stretches out a "whaaaaaat?" It undoes the last defense and I laugh through a big smile. It is not the first time he's had to ask what I'm laughing at. I shake my head to comminicate, "Nothing," but he insists. He says, "I know you got something... I can see somehing up there brewing..."
[Editor's Note: I have obviously been away from writing for a while as I just now thought I could let those quotes stand on their own, as if anyone reading could hear the tone and see the facial expression as I can.]
His tone showed he expected me to supply answers. It was clear that it wasn't "nothing".
I was impressed that he knew I brewed. I do. Something was definitely coming down the pipe. I asked him to repeat what he'd said to my greeting and it wasn't what I thought. I explained that I thought he'd said, "Hello, Clarisse," like Hannibal Lecter said in The Silence of the Lambs (1991). It was also the second time he's done it ... but I strangely don't remember the context.
He laughs and then does his bang-up impression. I CRINGED SO BAD. Involuntarily twitched the whole left side of my self like you do when someone whispers in that sensitive pocket of your neck.
He continues with a creepier and more audible, "Can you hear the lambs, Clarisse?" I twitch and laugh, "You're making me cringe!" and he laughs LOUDLY as he leaves. I am still trying to shake the sound out of my head/neck after he's gone. My boss looked at me funny.
I think we'll be OK.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
triet XXXIII (a.k.a. my 1am thoughts)
(1) I wonder if I would find it unnerving to overhear a load of laundry with no zippers or buttons in the dryer. Would it be the same without the clanging?
(2) I guess I take Billy Crystal for granted. I think he's great.
(3) This is the first time I've published a blog post through a smartphone.
(2) I guess I take Billy Crystal for granted. I think he's great.
(3) This is the first time I've published a blog post through a smartphone.
Saturday, 9 July 2011
how'm I supposed to work around all this baseball today??
Got an invitation the mail that is designed so that you put it in soil (and water it madly for the first few weeks) in order to grow a wildflower (that will last for forever). I think the idea is great. I am more fascinated with the botany/engineering than I am with what it means for earth responsibility.
The invite had been hand delivered so the sender sent me a text asking, "Did you get mail?"
I replied, "Yeah, there was something in there... I just shrink-wrapped it inside a Styrofoam box and buried it under a pile of endangered species."
She writes, "What a loser! Haha..you better RSVP!"
My response - and this one just came to me; it wasn't premeditated like the first one - "I will do no such thing. Actually... I will. I will courier my RSVP to you on a fleet of Hummers."
I donno...I found it really funny. I guess the truth is that I almost never find myself in a situation where someone else is more of an environmental stickler than I. It is....yeah. It would be like if you were 6'10" meeting someone who was 6'11" or 7' tall. Yep. Hhahahaah good times.
Baseball!
The invite had been hand delivered so the sender sent me a text asking, "Did you get mail?"
I replied, "Yeah, there was something in there... I just shrink-wrapped it inside a Styrofoam box and buried it under a pile of endangered species."
She writes, "What a loser! Haha..you better RSVP!"
My response - and this one just came to me; it wasn't premeditated like the first one - "I will do no such thing. Actually... I will. I will courier my RSVP to you on a fleet of Hummers."
I donno...I found it really funny. I guess the truth is that I almost never find myself in a situation where someone else is more of an environmental stickler than I. It is....yeah. It would be like if you were 6'10" meeting someone who was 6'11" or 7' tall. Yep. Hhahahaah good times.
Baseball!
Thursday, 7 July 2011
hmm. I do believe that was a good day.
My cable has been out since the first of July (I presume) and I have barely, barely missed it. I know there will be times..esp when Colbert comes back on the air but...we deal!
Heard more Alanis Morrisette than I wanted to today but, to balance it out I heard a ton of boy-band-age. Whoop!
1) Slept through my alarm but I actually think I'm caught up now WHICH IS AWESOME.
2) Awesome and unexpected thank-you card in the mail. Gorgeous contents and humbling message.
3) Got to staff meeting on time. My boss was not there. It was not the same. I look to the future with a question mark floating over my head (if I were in a comic strip).
4) Received an awesome sideways compliment via textmessage. :) :) :)
5) I did not receive the rebuke and lecture I expected and deserved from my boss when I went in to work to follow up on yesterday's mishaps. I was surprized to hear him say that both he and his wife love me...and a few moments later that they have a lot of respect for me. I donno. I don't know what to say. I can say I am grateful that he refused to let me pay for the goods I had allowed to be stolen from him. The cash was in my pocket.
6) Made an impromptu plan to hang with a friend. Both looked forward to it and didn't think about it.
7) Noticed I have started looking away when I see a man I find attractive or who I might potentially find attractive. (Those in the second category are the ones who I either get a glimpse of or can only see part of in my periphery. I can tell a good backside by the way a man walks, coming toward me. So, I must fight, fight, fight the instinct to rubberneck when he's passed me.)
It's hard to look away or to not look a second time or to not look for more time. But, today was encouraging.
8) I stopped and had a single-woman moment this afternoon that was unplanned. A few weeks ago I was picking up groceries after midnight and in the bulk section I YESed the decision to by chocolate covered pretzels when the phrase "I'm a single woman" ran through my head as some kind of air-tight logic.
works for me.
The moment was significant because I had never called myself that AND because the phrase didn't make me cringe, it made me stand a little taller. I am who/where I am. It is what it is, as they say.
I was telling my brother this weekend about how many working women I will sell a Diet Coke and a small chocolate bar to. Mostly the bars that are pure chocolate (the ones with the nuts and wafers, etc. are popular with menfolk). I told him that the marketing is bang on. Those ads of two women secretly/happily/indulgently sharing an Aero at their desks..it makes sense. They know their customers. Still don't fully get it.
Anyways,
this afternoon I sat with an iced tea and a hazelnut brownie. They were both delicious. I did a bit of journaling and then remembered I had something computerly and time-sensitive to do. I had gone to the icedtea-brownie place to do some reading. The book was not cracked. I was OK with this. That made it more of a single-woman thing: I was stopping in for a wee break and a treat, not paying a coffee shop for use of their table and ambiance while I worked.
8) Computerriffic task taken care of (and done well).
A-booya.
9) Home for dinner (difficult to push for when you can afford ["afford"] to eat out and you are lazy/tired/itismotherhotoutandyoudon'twanttomove).
10) Sat on the couches in my living room for the first time in ever. (I moved in 21 months ago.) I love sitting on couches...I can't fully explain it. I put my head down to relax for a bit and contemplate the rest of my day. I felt myself slipping into a doze and didney fight it at all. I napped on the couch for a good thirty minutes and it was the kind of sleep that physically feels good as you sink into it. It was light sleep so I could actually be conscious of the endorphins swimping around and having a party. It was just so nice.
11) While dinner cooks, I find it easy to delve into the new chapter I've begun today. The content fascinates me. (This is a blessing -- being motivated by interest not pure "you need to do this"-ness.)
12) As I'm eating dinner, I get a telephone call the SECOND after I think to myself, "I hope my friend calls to offer me a ride," cos I was dreading having to take my sixth bus of the day. The call is from the friend and he is offering a ride. I am relieved and grateful. It even gives me an energy boost.
13) The hang-out begins in a chill and familiar way. I enjoy this. (Zero pressure!)
I was quiet but not unhappy. I smiled and laughed a bit. We didn't talk a whole ton. I liked that.
Had a bunch of heavy topics of conversation which I found difficult to navigate though I appreciated their presence. (I place a very high value on what I call "real" conversations.)
14) Played piano like I haven't in a while.... Played because I enjoyed to play, not because I was trying to say something. I wish I could sing.
15) Sat down to more reading and a suuuuuuuuuuuper refreshing drink. The drink was brought to me by someone with whom I have a fun, friendly relationship. This blessed me today, somehow. I donno.
16) Phone date!
Fun, funny and real. Tres real.
I swear I stood on at least four different soap boxes. I was listening to myself speak and thinking, "Shoot! I wish I had this written down so I could listen to it again." I was saying things that made sense..things I didn't realized I'd thought about...I was railing against this or that and I stepped out on a branch with some plain honesty. It was very good.
17) On my way TO reading and refreshing drink, I was beckoned by a friend on the "patio" of a pub. I insisted on fulfilling my responsibilities, EVEN THOUGH the Blue Jays and Red Sox were calling and calling to me from several large, HD screens. I returned around 11 for Round 2 of trivia. It was fun. I nailed the first answer to an audio clip that I heard upon entering within a few bars. Ha. Feels good to contribute!
Enjoyed chatting with my friend who I haven't seen in ages.
Enjoyed the trivia. Enjoyed being RELAXED because I wasn't behind on or being nagged by anything in particular. I was just there in that bar.
It occurred to me somewhere that music is a wonderful gift. I watched six people do a choreographed ridiculous dance to "She Bangs" by Ricki Martin and I marveled. I had a surreal moment of, "Is this really ME, enjoying my Wednesday night with friends, a pint and a laugh?" It was just something. I might have been thinking that I don't go out much. I donno.
These friends hit up the trivia often so they knew servers and the host by name. Ha. It was cool. Friend to my right beckoned the trivia host over to ask the name of a song. Before the guy could leave our table I tapped his shoulder to come back (because it was too loud for me to be heard) and he leaned his ear RIGHT in to listen. (I was half-surprized because we are strangers. It occurs to me that I don't know bar culture very well.)
In fact, in one swift movement he turned, put a hand on my shoulder, then on the bench behind me and put his ear to my stream of speech. I asked him if he was secretly black because I had never seen a white person dance like that.
He leans back and laughs briefly, telling me it was a nice thing to say. He informs me that he's Latin American; that he was born in Argentina. I say quickly, "Well, that explains it," and he nods along. (It's as if we have shared a knowing wink across a train car. hahaha)
His hand is back on my shoulder as he thanks me for the compliment, leaning in more than he needed to (probably because he has been drinking).
It was an odd blip of an exchange, unique on so many points.
18) Also: got to hear "All or Nothing" by O-town and it sounded THE WHOLE BAR knew the chorus! Hahah we sang so loudly. Also got to hear the beginning of "All I Have to Give" by the BSB which always takes me back and then "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" which took me back even further. Def heard "Stop" by the Spice Girls as well. Ha. it feels so weird to be that generation who gets to whoop and holler when their song comes on from back in the day. Has it really been that long since the mid-nineties? :|
That would be the end of my good day. This should have been published around 03h30 but I fell asleep before I could write this sentence.
Heard more Alanis Morrisette than I wanted to today but, to balance it out I heard a ton of boy-band-age. Whoop!
1) Slept through my alarm but I actually think I'm caught up now WHICH IS AWESOME.
2) Awesome and unexpected thank-you card in the mail. Gorgeous contents and humbling message.
3) Got to staff meeting on time. My boss was not there. It was not the same. I look to the future with a question mark floating over my head (if I were in a comic strip).
4) Received an awesome sideways compliment via textmessage. :) :) :)
5) I did not receive the rebuke and lecture I expected and deserved from my boss when I went in to work to follow up on yesterday's mishaps. I was surprized to hear him say that both he and his wife love me...and a few moments later that they have a lot of respect for me. I donno. I don't know what to say. I can say I am grateful that he refused to let me pay for the goods I had allowed to be stolen from him. The cash was in my pocket.
6) Made an impromptu plan to hang with a friend. Both looked forward to it and didn't think about it.
7) Noticed I have started looking away when I see a man I find attractive or who I might potentially find attractive. (Those in the second category are the ones who I either get a glimpse of or can only see part of in my periphery. I can tell a good backside by the way a man walks, coming toward me. So, I must fight, fight, fight the instinct to rubberneck when he's passed me.)
It's hard to look away or to not look a second time or to not look for more time. But, today was encouraging.
8) I stopped and had a single-woman moment this afternoon that was unplanned. A few weeks ago I was picking up groceries after midnight and in the bulk section I YESed the decision to by chocolate covered pretzels when the phrase "I'm a single woman" ran through my head as some kind of air-tight logic.
works for me.
The moment was significant because I had never called myself that AND because the phrase didn't make me cringe, it made me stand a little taller. I am who/where I am. It is what it is, as they say.
I was telling my brother this weekend about how many working women I will sell a Diet Coke and a small chocolate bar to. Mostly the bars that are pure chocolate (the ones with the nuts and wafers, etc. are popular with menfolk). I told him that the marketing is bang on. Those ads of two women secretly/happily/indulgently sharing an Aero at their desks..it makes sense. They know their customers. Still don't fully get it.
Anyways,
this afternoon I sat with an iced tea and a hazelnut brownie. They were both delicious. I did a bit of journaling and then remembered I had something computerly and time-sensitive to do. I had gone to the icedtea-brownie place to do some reading. The book was not cracked. I was OK with this. That made it more of a single-woman thing: I was stopping in for a wee break and a treat, not paying a coffee shop for use of their table and ambiance while I worked.
8) Computerriffic task taken care of (and done well).
A-booya.
9) Home for dinner (difficult to push for when you can afford ["afford"] to eat out and you are lazy/tired/itismotherhotoutandyoudon'twanttomove).
10) Sat on the couches in my living room for the first time in ever. (I moved in 21 months ago.) I love sitting on couches...I can't fully explain it. I put my head down to relax for a bit and contemplate the rest of my day. I felt myself slipping into a doze and didney fight it at all. I napped on the couch for a good thirty minutes and it was the kind of sleep that physically feels good as you sink into it. It was light sleep so I could actually be conscious of the endorphins swimping around and having a party. It was just so nice.
11) While dinner cooks, I find it easy to delve into the new chapter I've begun today. The content fascinates me. (This is a blessing -- being motivated by interest not pure "you need to do this"-ness.)
12) As I'm eating dinner, I get a telephone call the SECOND after I think to myself, "I hope my friend calls to offer me a ride," cos I was dreading having to take my sixth bus of the day. The call is from the friend and he is offering a ride. I am relieved and grateful. It even gives me an energy boost.
13) The hang-out begins in a chill and familiar way. I enjoy this. (Zero pressure!)
I was quiet but not unhappy. I smiled and laughed a bit. We didn't talk a whole ton. I liked that.
Had a bunch of heavy topics of conversation which I found difficult to navigate though I appreciated their presence. (I place a very high value on what I call "real" conversations.)
14) Played piano like I haven't in a while.... Played because I enjoyed to play, not because I was trying to say something. I wish I could sing.
15) Sat down to more reading and a suuuuuuuuuuuper refreshing drink. The drink was brought to me by someone with whom I have a fun, friendly relationship. This blessed me today, somehow. I donno.
16) Phone date!
Fun, funny and real. Tres real.
I swear I stood on at least four different soap boxes. I was listening to myself speak and thinking, "Shoot! I wish I had this written down so I could listen to it again." I was saying things that made sense..things I didn't realized I'd thought about...I was railing against this or that and I stepped out on a branch with some plain honesty. It was very good.
17) On my way TO reading and refreshing drink, I was beckoned by a friend on the "patio" of a pub. I insisted on fulfilling my responsibilities, EVEN THOUGH the Blue Jays and Red Sox were calling and calling to me from several large, HD screens. I returned around 11 for Round 2 of trivia. It was fun. I nailed the first answer to an audio clip that I heard upon entering within a few bars. Ha. Feels good to contribute!
Enjoyed chatting with my friend who I haven't seen in ages.
Enjoyed the trivia. Enjoyed being RELAXED because I wasn't behind on or being nagged by anything in particular. I was just there in that bar.
It occurred to me somewhere that music is a wonderful gift. I watched six people do a choreographed ridiculous dance to "She Bangs" by Ricki Martin and I marveled. I had a surreal moment of, "Is this really ME, enjoying my Wednesday night with friends, a pint and a laugh?" It was just something. I might have been thinking that I don't go out much. I donno.
These friends hit up the trivia often so they knew servers and the host by name. Ha. It was cool. Friend to my right beckoned the trivia host over to ask the name of a song. Before the guy could leave our table I tapped his shoulder to come back (because it was too loud for me to be heard) and he leaned his ear RIGHT in to listen. (I was half-surprized because we are strangers. It occurs to me that I don't know bar culture very well.)
In fact, in one swift movement he turned, put a hand on my shoulder, then on the bench behind me and put his ear to my stream of speech. I asked him if he was secretly black because I had never seen a white person dance like that.
He leans back and laughs briefly, telling me it was a nice thing to say. He informs me that he's Latin American; that he was born in Argentina. I say quickly, "Well, that explains it," and he nods along. (It's as if we have shared a knowing wink across a train car. hahaha)
His hand is back on my shoulder as he thanks me for the compliment, leaning in more than he needed to (probably because he has been drinking).
It was an odd blip of an exchange, unique on so many points.
18) Also: got to hear "All or Nothing" by O-town and it sounded THE WHOLE BAR knew the chorus! Hahah we sang so loudly. Also got to hear the beginning of "All I Have to Give" by the BSB which always takes me back and then "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" which took me back even further. Def heard "Stop" by the Spice Girls as well. Ha. it feels so weird to be that generation who gets to whoop and holler when their song comes on from back in the day. Has it really been that long since the mid-nineties? :|
That would be the end of my good day. This should have been published around 03h30 but I fell asleep before I could write this sentence.
Monday, 4 July 2011
ugh. I think I had a bad day.
It was one of those days where most people at work were being extra snippy or hostile (including one of the people I know fairly well, which I found crushing and hard to take) with me and in none of the cases was I at fault. I think I'm too low on energy to be able to handle this stuff well today, ha.
On the plus side, last week I had a bucket of cold water thrown on me with regards to one of my regulars who gives me a hard time (read: makes me go crazy with physical attraction....like, unacceptable amounts of unrestrained lust -- and it is worse because he knows it). It took me a while to absorb the shock and to stop shuddering and sputtering but I got over it. It's a week later and I've turned into something [that looks] like a normal person. He was in today and I did fine.
I am happy/relieved that we are still friendly. I served his friend today (they alternate) so I wasn't interacting with him directly at all but still before they left, he and I eye-contacted and said goodbye to one another. I kinda wish he hadn't smiled at me...what with those shades and now (because it's summer) the T-shirt that is the reason someone coined the term "ripped".
I digress.
Other plus of the day: being able to wish an American a happy fourth of July. Customer I had just served came back with a Toronto Star saying his mum wanted to be sure to get one before they went back. Then he said half to himself that he needed to try to figure out these Canadian coins. Clunk, clunk go the inferring gears in my head (they were SUPER slow today) and I inquired with bright eyes and excitement/anticipation written all over my face, "Does that mean I can wish you a Happy Independence Day??" He responds after half a moment's thought, "Oh! Yes! Thank you!" (Here I am smiling giddily to myself'.) Half a beat later, "Thanks for reminding me..I actually forgot til just now...which is terrible." He winces and I say too quietly, "Well THAT'S not very patriotic." He counts the change out, thanks me and leaves. I was happy.
This interaction has removed the last trace of doubt as to whether I have a thing for dates or special days or calendar functions. I don't know how to generalize it but I do match my earrings to any holiday I can (and black cats for full moons and Fridays that are 13ths). I drop dates/holidays into conversations, I make them into symbols after I write the date on something by hand (this practice going back to grade school)...Man. I just like it/them. I don't know why.
Firsts of this weekend:
(1) Eating s'mores.
They are actually tasty, beyond just being a combination of sweet things. I was impressed.
(2) Camping with my family.
Camping with my family!
(3) Pulling off the highway because of physical pain.
It was fun.
(4) Typing on a laptop in the middle of a park; submitting an assignment next to an open fire.
God bless the mobile Internet stick. :)
Other things I appreciated:
-that each and every one of my siblings (five were on the whole trip; one came up for an afternoon) has innate musical ability. it is weird to listen to them sing (and we all sang at some point - sometimes at the same time) and observe that they can all stay on key perfectly without trying/knowing it. it's weird. it's amazing to me that the genetics are so strong. it's crazy.
-pushing to keep us focused and to retry singing some songs in rounds after a few failed attempts. too often throughout the weekend did the group give up on something and move on quickly. I knew we could do it...I pushed for it. gave some direction, counted a "three, four" and we nailed it. absotutely nailed it and everyone heard and appreciated the fruits of our labor. (I love that moment in musical collaboration and/or musical instruction: when people hear that they are capable and immediately understand the effort was worth it. It's also cool that it's a moment where they finally hear the potential that I have always heard.)
-that every person there was enjoying aspects of the trip to a high degree.
I had been saving for this trip for six weeks so somehow I was able to drop seven bills (that's "hundred dollars" for those who don't speak street) without blinking. As in, I knew how much of it would be paid back and I knew that I had all my bases covered in my own life. It was so nice to just be able to pull out a twenty or swipe a card to take care of something. I wanted it to be a good weekend...a gift...a fun time and to not be hindered by anything if we could help it. I thought of this over the past six weeks.
I knew what the basic expenses would be and those I planned for. But then there was a run to Tims on Saturday morning that had me placing my largest drink order there of ever. Still only cost me $9.77. (Now I see why people do it!) There were two instances of buying frozen treats, the first I promised for after the tents were put up, but the second one was a surprize for just before we got on the highway to leave (rewardful!). If that didn't hit the spot, I don't know what would. Sheesh. The van was so quiet for those moments (after the bickering over who got what) when we all consumed the cold, coldity goodness. Ahh. God bless frozen treats.
There was gas (three times), there was swimming, ice, firewood.....I can't put into words how much of a blessing it was to me to be able to do this.
I don't have any money. I don't know where it all came from. I can't explain it. I am not trying to brag...I am trying to show gratitude. I have never been able to bless my family in such a way. It was just fantastic. I was able to make it so that we were not in want of anything (except more trunk space; ha) and that still boggles my mind yet.
Good weekend.
[Editor's note: Wow...can't believe I started this post at 19h33 and now at 22h54 I am satisfied with all my additions and editions. I guess it helps that I relax through writing and I was incredibly wound-up when I started! This also explains why my post-work beer and baseball this afternoon so hit the spot.] Huzzah.
On the plus side, last week I had a bucket of cold water thrown on me with regards to one of my regulars who gives me a hard time (read: makes me go crazy with physical attraction....like, unacceptable amounts of unrestrained lust -- and it is worse because he knows it). It took me a while to absorb the shock and to stop shuddering and sputtering but I got over it. It's a week later and I've turned into something [that looks] like a normal person. He was in today and I did fine.
I am happy/relieved that we are still friendly. I served his friend today (they alternate) so I wasn't interacting with him directly at all but still before they left, he and I eye-contacted and said goodbye to one another. I kinda wish he hadn't smiled at me...what with those shades and now (because it's summer) the T-shirt that is the reason someone coined the term "ripped".
I digress.
Other plus of the day: being able to wish an American a happy fourth of July. Customer I had just served came back with a Toronto Star saying his mum wanted to be sure to get one before they went back. Then he said half to himself that he needed to try to figure out these Canadian coins. Clunk, clunk go the inferring gears in my head (they were SUPER slow today) and I inquired with bright eyes and excitement/anticipation written all over my face, "Does that mean I can wish you a Happy Independence Day??" He responds after half a moment's thought, "Oh! Yes! Thank you!" (Here I am smiling giddily to myself'.) Half a beat later, "Thanks for reminding me..I actually forgot til just now...which is terrible." He winces and I say too quietly, "Well THAT'S not very patriotic." He counts the change out, thanks me and leaves. I was happy.
This interaction has removed the last trace of doubt as to whether I have a thing for dates or special days or calendar functions. I don't know how to generalize it but I do match my earrings to any holiday I can (and black cats for full moons and Fridays that are 13ths). I drop dates/holidays into conversations, I make them into symbols after I write the date on something by hand (this practice going back to grade school)...Man. I just like it/them. I don't know why.
Firsts of this weekend:
(1) Eating s'mores.
They are actually tasty, beyond just being a combination of sweet things. I was impressed.
(2) Camping with my family.
Camping with my family!
(3) Pulling off the highway because of physical pain.
It was fun.
(4) Typing on a laptop in the middle of a park; submitting an assignment next to an open fire.
God bless the mobile Internet stick. :)
Other things I appreciated:
-that each and every one of my siblings (five were on the whole trip; one came up for an afternoon) has innate musical ability. it is weird to listen to them sing (and we all sang at some point - sometimes at the same time) and observe that they can all stay on key perfectly without trying/knowing it. it's weird. it's amazing to me that the genetics are so strong. it's crazy.
-pushing to keep us focused and to retry singing some songs in rounds after a few failed attempts. too often throughout the weekend did the group give up on something and move on quickly. I knew we could do it...I pushed for it. gave some direction, counted a "three, four" and we nailed it. absotutely nailed it and everyone heard and appreciated the fruits of our labor. (I love that moment in musical collaboration and/or musical instruction: when people hear that they are capable and immediately understand the effort was worth it. It's also cool that it's a moment where they finally hear the potential that I have always heard.)
-that every person there was enjoying aspects of the trip to a high degree.
- my dad liked that we were all with him on his birthday, he liked that we were all together (we hardly are anymore, now that we officially live in seven different houses when it was recently six), he liked being able to cook and liked that the little guys were enjoying themselves so much.
- my youngest sister liked sitting by the fire (often on a big brother's lap), she LOVED the swimming, she liked having so many family members around, liked the forest behind our campsite which very quickly became her house where she would invite us as guests and serve us tea. she also really enjoyed the s'mores and the weird things we did around the campfire.
- youngest brother liked the funny things (songs, competitions, stories, jokes) we did around the campfire even more than his younger sister. the kid was all over it. he likes being outdoors, liked the swimming as well, liked spending time with his big brothers, liked taking in the whole new experience, liked when the rain and wind came maliciously on Saturday night and we scrambled to throw all non-tent items into the van, liked catching toads (3) and a frog, and liked seeing the small snake my oldest brother found and brought back to the site.
- the oldest brother likes camping. he has six trips this summer and wishes it was seven. the guy is a pro. couldn't believe how quickly he got into his rain trousers and rain jacket when the sky darkened and wind picked up. he had seven flashlights (one for each of us), most of the answers and an impressive amount of patience for most everything. I tell you..there is a list of things I would do before I put up or tore down a tent in windless high-noon sun with no shade (NO SHADE) but this guy, this guy says this is one of his favorite parts of camping (particularly that it takes so long) because you work hard and get to sit back and enjoy afteward [not a typo].
- second oldest brother liked the chill factor of the weekend. liked that we didn't have things to do in the traditional sense; of course there were meals to prepare and clean up after, there were bathroom trips to make with little guys, things to set up, trees to climb (.....trees to climb. if it were a gym class, this guy would have shown that rope who's boss. sick. no branches, just a straight, skinny birch and the kid is up in no time to help secure a tarpaulin.), and little 'uns to look after but beyond that it really was chillin. there was beer and cigars. there was much time to zone out staring at the fire (as we all do - don't lie). there were times to be with all and times to be with just the older guys. I think he liked, as well, to be his inquisitive self, and to have some time away.
- my other sister, she surprized us all, somewhat, with her ruggedness. she is a bit of a girly girl (I tell you her track pants were purple and the shirt she wore on the first day was spaghetti strapped and leopard print hahaha) but she was all in it with us. she got bitten by bugs in a nasty way, the showers were not awesome or convenient, meals were scattered and haphazard (though I suspect she is used to that) AND IT WAS MOTHER HOT. but, she was there with us and I am tres glad for it. :) she was there and she enjoyed herself. she liked the campfire singing and taught us all a new game that worked out fairly well. I think she liked being away (in the same way the younger two would) because the house they live in is unpleasant/unhealthy. she hooked us up with most of our Internet research (for answers and music) and she was just all around fun.
- my eldest sister (the one who came up for an afternoon with her friend), I think enjoyed being able to see us all in a sort of low-pressure situation. things were open (like the space but also the ambiance) enough that it was not super stressful or overwhelming as family gatherings can often be. I think she enjoyed showing the littlest J what a spider hotdog is (I don't know if that's the right term). this is where you slice the dog eight ways, about halfway down so that as it roasts, the pieces curl back like a banana peel - or like spider legs, presumably. littlest J loved it and ate two or three dogs because they were fun (which is huge for a kid who often doesn't eat).
- me, I liked the quotes I collected (both that I could collect and what they are in particular) , I liked laughing til I cried at two stories one brother told about another. even now, I must not replay it in my head or I will start laughing again. it's unreal. I liked that when my sister and her friend showed up and I was backing off the site for errands, I could tell her that I was dropping some kids off at pool. (this is funny because in our family it is a common euphemism for pooping: dropping some kids off at the pool. it is funny(-ier) because all the kids in our family are brown. all three of us (sister, friend, myself) realized the funny at the same moment and could barely laugh because it was too awesome. I was dropping some kids off at the pool... literally.) I of course liked all of the above points, and that it was overall a very positive experience for all. I liked seeing my oldest brother in a situation where he thrives. most of all I liked being able to bless as I facilitated and financially backed the trip. it was expensive but gave very, very freely (read: happily). sometimes my brow was clouded because it was hot and I WAS ANNOYED by frustrating things but that happens. it happens. (it was hard for me to have so much going on in my head and my heart but not be able to explain nor ignore it. it was hard to be nagged by my assignment deadlines and also nagged by my continually sub-par sleep hours. it was hard to be flustered or downright angry but to keep my mouth shut because it wouldn't have helped to speak (in most cases) and I generally don't trust my tongue when I'm livid.)
I had been saving for this trip for six weeks so somehow I was able to drop seven bills (that's "hundred dollars" for those who don't speak street) without blinking. As in, I knew how much of it would be paid back and I knew that I had all my bases covered in my own life. It was so nice to just be able to pull out a twenty or swipe a card to take care of something. I wanted it to be a good weekend...a gift...a fun time and to not be hindered by anything if we could help it. I thought of this over the past six weeks.
I knew what the basic expenses would be and those I planned for. But then there was a run to Tims on Saturday morning that had me placing my largest drink order there of ever. Still only cost me $9.77. (Now I see why people do it!) There were two instances of buying frozen treats, the first I promised for after the tents were put up, but the second one was a surprize for just before we got on the highway to leave (rewardful!). If that didn't hit the spot, I don't know what would. Sheesh. The van was so quiet for those moments (after the bickering over who got what) when we all consumed the cold, coldity goodness. Ahh. God bless frozen treats.
There was gas (three times), there was swimming, ice, firewood.....I can't put into words how much of a blessing it was to me to be able to do this.
I don't have any money. I don't know where it all came from. I can't explain it. I am not trying to brag...I am trying to show gratitude. I have never been able to bless my family in such a way. It was just fantastic. I was able to make it so that we were not in want of anything (except more trunk space; ha) and that still boggles my mind yet.
Good weekend.
[Editor's note: Wow...can't believe I started this post at 19h33 and now at 22h54 I am satisfied with all my additions and editions. I guess it helps that I relax through writing and I was incredibly wound-up when I started! This also explains why my post-work beer and baseball this afternoon so hit the spot.] Huzzah.
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