Mini-series: Jesus in Real Life (1/3)

Today, while trying to retrieve the margarine, I tipped over a small tub of pasta sauce. It was a rude spill, touching at least four things at first and then a few more by the time I came back with a cloth. It took a while to remove enough of the sauce that I could remove other things without dragging them through it. After a few more trips to the sink with a clothful of sauce, I determined the shelf needed to be removed. (God bless the person who invented removable shelves and drawers, etc for refrigerators.)

I cleaned it and all the things that needed to be cleaned. Because I had to pull everything off the shelf, I was forced to chuck all the rotting food that was there, as popping it back into the refrigerator is not at all an option. Then when I replaced the shelf and the decidedly FEWER items it looked so clean and healthy and tasty that the shelf above it seemed utterly grody by comparison. So, without "needing" to, I cleaned and tidied it as well.

At the end I was forced to consider the same concept I considered after I dusted my television and its stand a couple weeks ago and couldn't take my eyes off how BLACK they both were...as opposed to the GREY I had become very accustomed to.
A few days before I gave in and cleaned it all, I had wiped a spot on the screen unconsciously while talking on the phone and when I saw the contrast I knew I had to go for broke.
I spoke of how I wished I hadn't touched it at all cos then I could go on in ignorance. And when I was through, I couldn't believe how long I had been content with such a dirty, obscured view.


So, of course, I thought of how unbelievers can live their lives behind a veil and how believers can allow sin or doubt or disillusionment or worldliness to mar their view and make them complacent. Then, in starting to see the light chink through, we at first turn away and insist, "NOPE!!....I'm good. I'm not comfortable with change." But then as you see more or as you think about it, you're forced to ask yourself, HOW did I live in such squalor?? How did I live so long with such a handicap? Or with so much LESS than is good or less than I need?

Och. Simple changes. I wish I hadn't cleaned the first shelf because it meant I had to clean the second -- but I'm glad I spilled the sauce because now I have a good-looking fridge that doesn't make me feel guilty, frustrated and disgusting every time I open it. :)

Bautistia vacuum

Today, after more than seven weeks on the job, I finally cleaned that house I've been dreading but only partially expecting to see.

I struggled so hard during the 70 minutes I was in the house. I kept judging, and judging and judging so hard....AHH! I cringed at my own snobbery & sinfulness.

Poor woman...she just doesn't do the everyday clean & tidy that most people do. So it's harder for us to do our job - which is supposed to be something above the daily or weekly of normal folk, the stuff that many haven't the time for. And the bathroom was kinda gross...the cat litter didn't help. ANYWAYS, I don't want to add slander to the list of offenses I committed today. I only wanted to say I thought it was funny when, just as I was ready to do the floors, my subconscious piped up, "I feel sorry for the mop."
I ACTUALLY thought it that way. It was weird. hahahahh I pitied the mop cos the floors weren't looking so hot. I'm thankful it wasn't actually me who ended up mopping. There it is.

Conclusion of the experience? I don't know what it's like to live the life that homeowner lives. I have no idea what she's capable of, what her decisions have been and I have no right to withhold compassion from anyone. Shame on me. I need to learn. I need harsh correction.


Jays are feelin it in the stomach. They're winded. Someone has delivered a blow a spot mid-abdomen that would affront the heart and the stomach. I'm a little bit sad and, tonight, a little bit detached. I don't know what to say.

I want something.

Out of all my baby-having friends or acquaintances of the past few years, the closest one to me yet has had a baby. I am surprized by how overjoyed I am about it. I'm happy enough, even, to wait until we meet organically. I want them to have their space.

I ended up calling for something else the next day and relayed in a text-message to another friend that the husband/father was "soooo nice! His voice sounded so soft." It wasn't the softness of tiredness - that's usually more grumbley, anyways. It was the softness of bliss. It was just fantastic. I think maybe he was hushed as well because the babe was feeding. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation and was grateful when he took my "congratulations" to heart. I can't believe it. Babies are precious.

Earlier today I held a sweet and cute baby for maybe five or ten minutes, not realizing until she was in my hands that I hadn't held an infant in what I think is one or two years. They really are lovely. This baby made me think of my friends' baby and my anticipation of meeting him grows. He's going to be great, I'm sure. And I am so content to wait until I get my chance. It's too wonderful. God makes --


God is good.
I leaned hard on Him earlier today in a way that meant He had to come through or I was bust. I'm so amazed that He ...lovingly gives more than I ask. I just can't believe it.
I CAN believe it; there must be a better way to describe what I'm thinking. I'm very grateful for His provision in this way and I feel silly that I was going to take the alternative of struggling along with rags & scraps.


God has shown me many things today. I don't know how many to list here.

-One is a slightly different perspective on one of my jobs (that needs further working out but is an exciting seed planted)
-One is a change, a better decision made, in an area of particular struggle that I find intriguing & compelling like pursuing the white rabbit (again this needs working out, if not simply reinforcing)

He's also shown me how to be close to Him when I'm exhausted.
He's building in me a love for the Bible (as per my requests of late).
I hope to see Him better and know Him more. I hope to get closer to Jesus.

-Another new thing today was changing the way I reflected on mistakes and obstacles in my other job (but this one will is such a huge shift that I don't even know how to finish this sentence).

---

I realized a few days ago that I'm very action-obsessed. Apparently I can't handle NOT doing something because otherwise I'm wasting time. Like...when I lie down to go to sleep I take a book with me or Sudoku or my calendar so I can make plans, etc etc. Like I can't just LIE there and wait for slumber to come...like normal people do...like I'm supposed to.

Dryer in. I'm outty.

triet IX

I am: privileged.

I am: blessed. (76)

I am: incredibly complimented.

I don't know if I really like tea anymore.

I don't know if I still like leaves in boiling water or if I like all the other things that swirl around the drink that I've become fond of. Who even knows?
I know I like water, oj, aj, Pepsi, sparkling lemonade, beer, fountain peach juice (read: "drink"), hot chocolate and chocolate milk. But tea? Donno.
Some teas taste great...others just feel great.

Wonderful news of my day? I don't need to move in September. I don't like moving yearly-ly and yes, this will prolls not last past next summer but I AM VERY MUCH OK WITH THAT.

Other good of the day: three different people really GOT me (63) today - and each surprized me in a different manner.
a) One is a dear friend (64) who tends to understand and faithfully tries to understand (65). But today she had words that surprized me...Words that seemed to validate my concerns and give me room to blast (66). I forget that she has a stake as well.
b) One (67) is a coworker (68) who wears a mask because it makes sense but conceded to [drop it (69)] after hemming for a brief moment when I was clearly not buying into the Charade. Then there were words and facial expressions that bluntly but not explicitly said, "I agree," that brought me in off the stranded dinghy (70) that I was sure would soon kickstart my journey into madness.
c) The third is an associate (71) & friend (72) and the most surprizing part of this interaction was that he spoke to me the moment after I had said in my head, "I'm the only one who cares about this." He didn't even have to say it; he caught me when I was off having a moment, thinking that quote, and smiled knowingly. He laughed a little and nodded emphatically saying, "I know, I know; I understand." Pat on the back (73), "I know -- I've been there before," (74). If that's true - and I believe it is - this guy is doing a fantastic job of hiding a real part of himself (surprize).


/ (75)

got something kinda like a sunburn (for the first time) today. it weirds me out like mad.

Do I call this prophetic or not?

It's from the second episode of the first season of MacGuyver. The airdate is 1985 so in that sense it seems to be incredibly ahead of its time compared to where we are twenty-five years on.

It's my humble opinion that old Alexander Graham Bell has a lot to answer for. "Gettin' away from it all" gets tougher and tougher. Not just the newspaper, the telephone, the radio -- the people. It's hard. Maybe impossible.

Maybe I can't say it's ahead of its time because the writers obviously made the observations they made. Can I say instead, "little did we know.."?

"The Golden Triangle." MacGuyver. ABC. 6 October 1985. Television.

I'm relieved and bewildered.

Today was my staff review - the end of a three-month probation period.

RELIEF
a) I am definitely relieved that it's over
b) I'm relieved that it went better on the whole than expected
c) I'm relieved that part one of their recommendation for the future is that I become a permanent part-time employee. THIS is the day I feel I've been hired.

BEWIL

a) I'm bewildered that I have so much to think about and sift through. I can't even wrap my mind around all the things I need to wrap my mind around..what can I say?
b) I'm shocked that the review time itself morphed into such a real-person everyday-life conversation. I was leaving but I stood leaning on the door for an extra ten minutes discussing heritage and racism.
c) I'm a little frustrated that on Wednesdays and Sundays, the thinking voice inside my head has a Northern Irish accent and on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, it has a French-Canadian accent. WOW.


There's still so much to understand. I need to work through a LOT of glitches in the next short while. Glitches/hang-ups/defense mechanisms -- all those things that shrinks shove your nose into and make you grapple with.

I'm now charged with the task of "making it my own", this ministry. I don't even know where to start in terms of envisioning what that means! What is the next step tonight? Tomorrow? Next staff meeting? July? September, when there's a regime change? I thank God that He is constant amidst all.
Barf...it's go-time.

Last week I was asked to do a "special" during the Sunday morning service at my church. It's happened maybe a dozen times before that I've done this but only thrice have I been asked. The pastor was looking for something solemn and searching to be sung by a solo voice during the offering. (It's usually not that specific but I understood what was requested and thought I had selected something appropriate.)

Then Friday, Saturday and even Sunday morning I was pleading with God to keep me out of it. It's incredibly easy to make something like that about myself and entirely rob the Rightful Recipient. I hate it when I do that. I just get into the music..I'm painfully aware of the fact that it's only me up there and that more than a few people are watching...but it's really not about me (cf. Rick Warren, Max Lucado).

I asked Him to humble me and I was a bit nervous because I couldn't envision how He'd do it (and also somewhat nervous because that particular prayer is ALWAYS answered promptly and often not gently) but I couldn't stomach the alternative.

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT.

...wouldn't you know that I get a massive grennouille dans la bouche Sunday morning? It was like I was coming down with something..My voice was just muted and threatening to break every four or five minutes. I know sometimes it's hard in the early morning and I was mad thirsty but it's never been this bad. I actually thought my voice would CRACK mid-song and I'd have to play it out instrumentally --which wouldn't be the end of the world, just to be clear.

I don't remember ever having to hold on so tightly and focus so intently while singing. I felt I was alone in that room, just pushing out the melody and trusting my subconscious to tell my hands where the chords were. It was amazing..I had nothing else to worry about. Effectively I stepped out of the way of whatever was happening.

I wasn't rushed by idolizers and flooded with empty or genuine flattery. I actually barely felt much aside from relief and gratitude that I didn't make an ass out of myself. I was...very happy to be able to show up and then leave it at the piano. I did it and I walked away. End of.


I did get a handshake I wasn't expecting from one of those people who is NOT easily impressed and who I have let down many times before. (In fact...the last time I played a special during the offering, the only other time I sunk into a song so far that the rest of the room disappeared, this person was also on for that morning and when he came back up to sing the next congregational piece he looked at me and said, "Thank you. [a facial expression I can't easily describe - something like shaky stillness] That was.....wow." You don't come across that brand of speechlessness very often. Humble, humble, humbled.)

A woman I know but have never been introduced to found me and gave me a handful of compliments that I don't even remember because they were too overwhelming. She was oozing earnestness.

And then - the kicker - just this evening I read an email from someone, around whom I always feel very small, containing a very simple but indelibly meaningful comment from which I am still reeling. There are about five ellipses in the middle of the one sentence, implying an unfathomable loss for words from one of the most talkative people I know.

God amazes me.

I've just been asked for next week to do the same.
I hope God is good for a twofer.