MOCKBA

On my second last day in-country, we were in a market in Moskva. One of my coworkers was explaining to someone else how he'd redeemed Shoppers Optimum Points to get his digital camera. Then he explained how Shoppers had (recently?) changed the points system so that it was decidedly less awesome and that he and his wife were none to pleased with it and would stop collecting. The term "Shoppers Optimum" or "Shoppers Optimum Points" came up in the conversation quite a few times and I kept AutoCorrect-ing in my head to say, "Shoptimum Points" because that's how I do it. I like contractions.

When he had finished that conv and he was within earshot of me, I said, "You know, if you want to save time, you could just call them 'Shoptimum Points'," and he takes a minute to process. His face was blank enough that I thought he either hadn't heard me or didn't understand the point. A moment later, "Yeap....or 'Shoptipoints'."

This friggin blew my MIND.

And while I'm recovering from that, he continues, "Or 'Shoints'," and even now I'm still laughing out loud to myself. It was friggin hilarious....My laugh at that moment did not do it justice and the facial expression and everything...ahh. I can't describe how this humor has so much more weight behind it on account of ME being the kind of person who shortens and contracts MANY things often to the annoyance of other people. Like seriously - it is a beloved pasttime. And here's the person I only met a few weeks before but am already thinking is friggin cool/himdam (that means hilarious) and boom: Shoints. I can't even deal...the face he made .ahahahahah


[EST]

continued from Thursday, 11 June.

That post finished saying I didn't know what the point of the post was.

I was thinking about this stuff yesterday as I made yet another comment on something I was seeing to people around me. I've taken recently to just announcing what I notice so that I can sort of be accountable to myself. It's also been great for showing me how OFTEN I think about these things, though. I think it surprizes my friends a bit but I hope it diminishes (the frequency/volume). I want to say that I do this to help me see the seriousness of it; to bring things to light so I can be ashamed of them and grasp the real gravity of sin. Part of me still enjoys declaring my thoughts but really the volume is doing me in. I hate that the same people are hearing me talk about this guy and that.
This exercise is also helping me discern between a "hmm, that's nice" and a BAZONGA! moment. Yes. It also is showing me to see more like a male than a female, based on who identifies with me more. Is this an important point? I think I said it as an excuse for the previous comment. I don't like that I think about this stuff so often so I thought that if I could push the blame over the line into MAN territory, it wouldn't be a reflection on me, it would be just the way men are. Wow... that is such twisted logic I don't think I understand it. Basically what I want to say after that confession is, "Don't think I'm sick! Men do it too!" Or really, "Men are worse!" proving to me in this very moment that my thinking has not even come close to fully shifting. :(

Onward and upward, I say. Just today I read this: Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are his," and, "Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness." Jesus says, Press on. I got your back.

[EST]

POCCNЯ

I missed nighttime when I was in Russia. Rather, I realize how much I like when the sun goes down, now that I'm back in the UK.
It's 10.40pm and it looks like the sun will be gone within an hour. In St Petersburg, the darkest point in the night was about 2.30am and it really looked like about 9pm in an Ontario summer. It was....it was cool in one sense because there was always natural light, which is handy when you're trying to do things after hours. It was unsettling in another sense because I rely on a dark sky to tell me when it's sleeping time and, more important, the return of the sun after the dark to tell me it's a new day.

I COMPLETELY take for granted that I have only ever lived in English-speaking countries all my life. To bump into someone in the street and not feel terrible butchering the word for excuse me which I don't even know how to spell phoenetically, to get your passport handed back to you and not have to say "spyciba" in an incredibly North-American accent...to be able to walk into any eatery and be able to figure out what you want, either by looking, reading or asking...it's just marvellous. It's all feeling like a luxury right now. BOY, was I ever made timid by living in Russia. Public timidity like, "I shouldn't be here" / "sorry to inconvenience you" kind of thing, etc. etc.

Yeah. I wanna see Transformers, the newb one.

I bought comic books today, for the first time in my life. This is a weird experience but I fully approve.

"If it weren't for Jesus, I ...."

What a great line, delivered with true sincerity and something like far-off distaste. We were sat in the lobby of a four-star hotel in Moskva. He said it and I asked after the ellipsis. "If it weren't for Jesus, you what?" His words had trailed away in volume but he also sounded like he didn't want to finish the sentence aloud. "A lot of things," he says, with finality. I complete the sentence in my head, to let it ring a bit. "If it weren't for Jesus, a lot of things." Yes, this is a true statement. And the person with the bigger debt will love their master more because more grace was extended to them. His tone had implied that I knew exactly what he was referring to and didn't need to ask after specifics. He was right.

We were there around midnight and 1 am and there were a few women around who were working as escorts or prostitutes. We were talking about the reality we were sitting in, reality of the sex business world, mass media portayals/distortions, corruption of man, motivations and where WE were - him and I - in relation to all of this. He said, "If I wasn't a Christian, my friends and I...." he shakes his head and makes that I'm-ashamed-that-this-would-be-me face that we all recognize. I'm waiting because I want to hear it work out because these are the kind of statements that bring us to the "what next" stage. He continues, "...we would be having a competition. Not to see who ..... not to, you know but to see how many offers we could get." I forget his exact words on the end but it made sense to me.

I wonder where else I could go with that sentence. I think it's a good one. "If it weren't for Jesus, I..."

[EST]

surprize, surprize.

A friend of mine shook my hand because he liked my new shoes so much.

When I saw them, as I tried them on, as I did the conversion from rubles to dollars, as I imagined my whole get-up for the eve, as I imagined the alternative, as I checked the clock over and over in my head, I knew they had to be mine. And I knew he would love them for at least two reasons. I told another friend when she saw me but he hadn't yet, "[So-and-so] is gonna be so proud of me," with a brown-noser grin. I thought it was a safe bet that he would LIKE them, because he likes shoes and I knew the style would kick it.
But I wasn't expecting a parade and a congressional medal. Haha...I definitely got the equivalent. I saw his eyes bzoing! when he spied them (already primed/impressed the moment before) and then a HUGE smile shows up - almost out of control - and a hand slowly but deliberately extends itself my way. I am laughing hard and telling my she-friend who is luckily sat next to me at this moment. "What did I tell you! See?! I told you! ...ahahaha I said, '[He's] gonna be so proud of me'," and wow was I friggin right.

It's funny to be approved for appearance but I don't mind this time. It was a magical moment in my day...I had a hard time pushing it out of my head every now and then so I could focus on the ballet or on conversations. It was just too funny and too precious.

[EST]

Yesterday I sang for the first time in 23 days. I didn't realize I needed it so badly...I had told someone that I felt like music was stuck in my trachea somewhere and I need need needed to get it out. I thought it would be one of those things people would make fun of me for, behind my back and that it was exaggerated emotion...nothing substantial.

and then I sang two songs in the bathroom/shower and WOW such relief came over me, I don't even know.

I haven't sung because I get very little time alone on project and when I do it's when other people are in bed or when I'm walking outside. Neither of these times are appropriate for completely unrestricted singing. In the shower wasn't perfect because I knew there were two people who could hear me but because they couldn't see me and I had decided I didn't care what they thought or, more important, if it bothered them, it was good enough.

I...am a strange person.


This morning in our book study we talked about accountability. I brought up the uncomfortable subject.

I have most recently been convicted that women lust the same as men do. The way it really goes down is not identical but the sin is.
I have been told so many times about how men are visually oriented/stimulated/tempted and how we women can't even begin to fathom what that's like.

Men: I get it. I think I get it as much as I can as a woman and the amount of sympathy I have is unreal.

In the course of working this idea into my understanding, I have inadvertently let myself and other women off the hook. I am disgusted by this. I was talking to a male intern here and he told me about how during the men's book study they have accountability time. "For the book or just ...for life in general?" say I. Pause, half-smile, looking up and nodding, "...for life in general." I knew what he meant... he knew what I was asking. Then in his next sentence or two he said it straight-up.

Earlier that day or maybe the day before, after a particularly insensitive comment he said, "Guys FIGHT for purity," with the kind of emphasis and sincerity that just floored me. In a glimpse he conveyed the depth of a continuous struggle. WOW, what must it be like to always have your sword drawn, slaying big foes and small?

I look at the pack of them (our male staff/interns) and marvel at the unreal amount of godliness they're exuding.
"OK. This week. How were you tempted? Where? When? How?"

Holy crap!! I don't want those questions up in my face! Such trust and...conviction and WOW. They strive.
How would you shield your eyes, how would you act if you knew you were going to be asked what you had allowed to stay in your cranium and run around EVERY Monday and every Thursday. Wow. Us ladies are MISSING OUT. I felt bad about this.

I communicated my thoughts very passionately to two friends yesterday and we all agreed, YES we need help, YES we are fallen and YES, we can stand to take a page out of the guys' notebook. Let's do it. Starting tomorrow.

It was not easy.
But it was good.
I was meant to plan a study for chapter nine which is about the HS being the power source for all God expects from us but namely for the fulfillment of the Great Commission.
I couldn't focus very well. I know I started prepping very LATE (11pm) and then I took maybe an hour and a half to converse with a few people about something that's been on my heart and just felt like it was urgent. I'm glad I had those conversations but then fatigue clamped down on me and I couldn't get it together.
In the morning I didn't get up when I wanted to and I was fighting to not hang myself over my bad stewardship. I just wanted to get this study done but it wasn't shaping up like I wanted... and I was meant to give some memento/tokens to the girls that I had forgotten about so I couldn't figure if it was worth jetting out to the shop in the morning, too.

Before I re-slept at 03h30 I prayed that I could do well in the morning. And in the morning I prayed that I could do exactement what the Spirit wanted. I just couldn't figure it out...there was a wall. So in the back of my mind, I considered that God was keeping me in the dark so He could do something completely off-course.

I had fully forgotten to prep what I wanted to say about accountability, made a few half-notes while we discussed how our weeks had gone and then I jumped into it. I asked them to read James 5:13-6 and then we delved. And after an hour and a half, we had revealed and challenged and agreed to do worse. It was freeing but also made me feel a little gross which I think is a good thing. I think it's good that I wasn't proud of what I had shared.

I'm also elated, though, that we could agree to this. I wish we'd started sooner but, Jesus, my whole life is ahead, n'est-ce pas?

This post feels like it doesn't have a point. Oh well.

[EST]

I'm pretty irritated and a little scared.

I've been trying to brainstorm the starting stages of my testimony for the past two weeks and nothing inspiring comes to mind.

I've been more deliberately searching for strands in the past few days so I can begin Draft One but nothing really satisfies my worst critic.

Tonight I sat with a pen and paper and tried to remove all limits and consderations so I could simply START (and tailor afterward) but everything on the page looks weak.



I don't know what to do. And I'm pretty irritated. Where's the cork?

[EST]

more opinions and new eras (erae?)

I don't think Randy Jackson's input on American Idol is helpful at all. I am saddened by this. It means that he's on the show for some other reason. I now feel its a greater crime for him to be paid to be a judge than it is for Paula Abdul who most people focus their mocking energy on.

When Justin Timberlake is on point, he is ON. When he's mediocre, he's trash. I...need to listen to that second album a few more times before I'm sure but having just heard "Where is the Love?" again, I remebered why I used to think he was the shizznit.


New era: the chance to put (hard-copy) writing into public space with strangers is approaching.
The opportunity to function as a titled administrator has befallen me. I am curious.

[EST]

blarg blarg blarg

Watching Susan Boyle and Hollie Steel sing and hearing the judges' reactions on "Britain's Got Talent" has started to make me feel a bit wibbley.

From Day Two, I could have told you that Susan Boyle was not that good. She's certainly better than average BUT because the expectations were so LOW people's perception was ridiculously inflated and it bothers me. I've seen that happen with other surprize contestants and Paul Potts is the quickest example that comes to mind but usually that gap (between expected and actual) closes up and the contestant is judged fairly.

Hollie Steel gets grace cos she be a little girl ...and that's fine. She's very good for a ten-year-old but she's honestly NOT that good, compared to her competitors. She should wait about five years before she does something like this. This is my opinion.

The problem now....Piers Morgan said that Susan Boyle's final performance on the show was the best they'd had on BGT EVER and....... well I just don't agree. It's fine not to agree! I'm just...it makes me uncomfortable to hear that they don't pick up on things like being flat here & there and consistently sloppy rhythm. You can say, "That was an excellent performance. Here are a few things to work on." Dude...that's what coaches be all about. I know their proper role is to judge but seriously, after the decision is taken out of their hands and given to the audience, they CAN (and, I think, should) function as coaches. Without their input, the contestants can proceed without reality checks and...I disapprove of this.

I am seriously (about 4%) starting to doubt my ability to analyze and hear music. This makes me uncomfortable.

[EST]

I have a scrap of paper in my bag

It's been there for a while and it's a list of things I was going to make into a list of fives, I think.

There were like, one or two things that I wanted to talk about but then I found four others to throw in and try to strap a theme around. Now the series is over so.... I can't just throw away the paper.

Great compliment: a friend of mine said, in response to an update letter I had mass emailed out, "You make even the most lengthiest writing unskimmable."
I really like that word. I like that it's not a real word (there's crunchy poetic irony in that) and I like that content trumped length. I try. Charles Dickens...his books are thick... "War and Peace" isn't short...if it's good, people will read it. So, I like this compliment.

I realized, walking around in a grocery store called Carousel, that there probably aren't many people who know that when I use the term "freak of nature" there is no malice or anything derogatory in it at all. I know that's hard to believe but it's true! A friend of mine...he's a dirty genius (there I go again - "dirty" is not negative) and is now working on his fourth degree. Now and then other ridiculous things come up...When he told me he bought his first house at the age of twenty I flipped out. (I think this is fantastic. I think that it's great he was prudently able to save enough and be responsible to do this. It's....awesome. I'm partly jealous.) I think I ended up calling him a "freak of nature". It's my way of saying either, "you're one of a kind," or, " you're amazing [at this particular thing]".
I'd be sad to find out that no one knows I'm impressed and not hatin' when I say that. So, if you're reading this, and I've called you this, know it wasn't bad. It flies out of my mouth without much thought ...it's a knee-jerk reaction to somethings.
I'm not ready to give it up...but if I start hurting feelings left, right and centre, I might have to.

On the same wonderful Monday, I received a surprize, gorgeous package from a gorgeous friend full of stuff I didn't need but entirely loved AS WELL AS an expected letter from a dear-to-me person that was filled with words I couldn't have predicted.
I very much appreciated that the writing was balanced: that it contained wonderfully comforting or relieving things that I couldn't ask for alongside slightly shocking truths that made me wince a bit. I read this the day after I had opened an epiphanitious (not a real word) door in my life on just this topic. I was on the threshhold of learning to allow myself to not be perfect or good at anything I tried to be good at or to be blameless. This is hard and weirdly illogical for me. But it def primed me to appreciate the words being given - which previously would have thrown me into long defenses and excuses and even retroactive correction.

And finally, another email line:
I made a request to a friend of mine that I had been debating for a few days (but really for a few weeks) and then finally bit the bullet when I decided I had nothing (substantial) to lose and would rather be able to say I at least asked.
I sent two lines:
"is there time on Monday or Thursday for a tête-a-tête? tu (Fr) e (Sp/It) Ich (Ger)?
[other person] used that phrase last Monday tête-a-tête and I can't get it out of my head."

I had debated so long because I've asked for a few tête-à-têtes before and was half-expecting to hear, "are you KIDDING me?" or maybe the equivalent of an electronic roll of the eyes. But, like I said, I had to ask.
The response came pretty quickly and was shockingly (like, out-of-character-ly) gentle: "yes. I'm not doing anything officially until this evening today. Just cleanin and packin, all things that end with 'in.
whenever you're ready. [other person] is leaving for a meeting at 2 if that makes for less awkward tete-a-tete (I don't feel like finding the accents)"

"whenever you're ready." That was the bit that got me. That's totally submissive, for lack of a better word. It's..giving deference..I think.
–noun

1.	respectful submission or yielding to the judgment, opinion, will, etc., of another.

2.	respectful or courteous regard: in deference to his wishes.

(I had to check.)

I felt so validated and pretty empowered as well. the initial "yes" was great, too because it was the assent first and then all the details/conditions/peripheries came next. (Order is important with things like this....with critical answers, also with apologies and with "I love you." They should not be followed by "but". "I love the guy, but..." "I love you. I don't like when you ____." Heck - in that sitchu, you shouldn't even be saying I love you, as if to temper a confrontation.)

Side rant: I decided that smaller sorries should come at the end of the sentence or after the offense is stated, not before, especially as Canadians. "Sorry" can be just another start to a sentence, like "well", "OK", or "so".
Sorry, I shouldn't have done that.
I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.
I don't think I can make my point very well but putting it into practice is probably the best place to notice (and feel!) the difference. It's easy to breeze past them five letters when it's the same word you throw out when you bump into someone or when you didn't hear what they said.

Yes, I think this needs to be the end of the post.

[EST]