triet XXIII

feel weird that I knocked so many things off my to-do list (including real work and looking-for-work work) in the earlier portion of the day (e.g. between 11.30 and 4)

feel happy (proud) that I stood up for myself with a small shouldn't-happen thing in my own house (and it did turn out well)

feel antsy in my jonesing for a game/brain teaser/Sudoku-esque activity at present

I would love to get my life in order

("life in order"...)

I asked a friend of mine yesterday what her most surprizing Christmas gift was and what gift she was most excited about giving. I liked the questions and I enjoyed her answers. I think I will answer them myself.

1) most surprizing:
a. the Christmas card that my six-year-old sister gave me <3
I don't think anyone put her up to it and I don't think it was a project at school. Oh boy. It is way too cute for life.
b. the unfathomably adorable teal octopus my (older) sister knitted
[no sub-comments]

2) most excited about:
[usually I'm excited about many gifts because I am able to nail a good one so that anticipating the moment of recognition on the recipient's face makes me go nuts, overjoyed. this year I couldn't give the way I wanted to (which is fine) so there weren't as many holes-in-one as I would have liked.]
a. a dirty, mid-90s Motorola cell phone that honestly was an inch thick and probably six inches long
it had the full retractable antenna, the mouth piece flipped down, it could replace a brick used to smash a window...just gorgeous. recipient's first reaction was a jaw-drop, followed by an, "are you serious??" It was actually a total crap-shoot, so I was very relieved.
b. a hard-cover book wrapped only in thick, Christmas-plaid ribbon
this one was rather spontaneous. as I turned the idea over in my head I liked it more and more and was terribly happy to give it away, largely because I know I wasn't expected to give.

:)

Sunday, 26th December, 2010

I certainly dropped the ball with my Advent training. I feel badly but I did learn something and I have intensely enjoyed the season of Advent. I am happy I'm not religious cos I would DEFINITELY fail.


I'm chuffed about all the family quotes I was able to pull over the past few days. I have a very funny family. (85)


I thought I had more to say here, but I don't. I guess I could say I'm very happy & pleased (& grateful) for all the things I've ben learning about God the past two or three weeks. I'm also learning more than anticipated about how I view God and relate to Him (more the negative side of that but some of the positive). Still see Him as an upset taskmaster waiting for me to shape up most of the time. Other times I am only in awe and waiting & wanting to get closer to Him.

I was thinking not too long ago that if someone asked me how my "alone time" went (I had excused myself from dinner prep saying, "I need some alone time," and then more quietly, "That's code for 'Jesus Time'," and they both heard me; one understanding the other not quite) I could say that it went well because I "heard from God". I didn't really think of it that way initially --I never think of it that way -- but that's kinda how it worked out in my mind on further reflection and I took a moment to process the gravity of it. What a stinkin privilege, to hear from God. Now, I don't mean He told me to go to Niniveh or marry a prostitute or put my staff in the water, something big like that, I just mean He spoke and I listened. I spoke and He listened. I read and understood; I confessed and was forgiven. It's ...an amazing thing. I don't think about it often -- and this is what my time with Him is supposed to be EVERY DAY!

Aie. I don't know how to express it. I'm trying to say I'm aware of how fortunate I am, and many are who know God and choose to build their relationship with Him. And, its not like we're elite - it's like God desires and is faithful to a relationship with anyone/everyone. I'm amazed. And I ..it's amazing when you look at it from the p.o.v. of an unbeliever, that I can say, "I heard from God." It's different when you think He's unreachable and will only listen if you're a good person. And what He'll say is about the hoops you need to jump through and how good you aren't yet.

Bah. Biggest lie of ever. No such thing as a good person. (That stuff drives me nuts.)

sackful of pheasants--

to deliver a good speech, you need to know what your main point is, what your sub-points are, in which order to hit those sub-points, when to pause, when to leave dramatic pauses, when to gesticulate, when to be subtle, when to hit people over the head or repeat yourself -- even what to do with your intonation and facial expressions.
put all those things in the right order and you end up with a moving address instead of a meaningless reciting of black words on a white page (that a computer program could easily do). one shows passion and impacts the audience; the other, essentially, does nothing or offers nothing.
in this way the whole becomes greater than the sum of its parts and that is one of the most fascinating, impossible/paradoxical things about art - which I love.

this is what I'm talking about when I use the term "context" (which isn't really a musical term). to consider what you're doing in the whole piece; what you're doing with each phrase, bar, chord, note; what the rhythmic patterns are; what the dynamics and accents are doing - and this all has to do with knowing what has come before and is coming after. (this is why everyone sounds like a robot on their very first run through a piece. we can't know how it all fits together yet.) when you know the whole piece well, and you know what you're saying (with it) then you know how every element fits and why. the more you play, the more you sculpt and refine the elements, and effectively the whole piece. you end up with utterly unique and beautiful nuances.

sigh. that's what I was trying to say, not that you'd know that by my babbling. every other piece you play, I'm listening to notes & chords and watching the shapes & numbers (black ink on white paper) - which is also pleasant; don't get me wrong. this Melon Collie, however, THIS is the first time I couldn't see the elements with x-ray specs (part of why I asked for the manuscript) and the first time I could clearly hear what you were saying.

it's really cool.

now that I've typed this all out I realize that it certainly helps that you kinda already knew the song inside & out (listening AND playing). you see? you know what it sounded like in the big picture; you knew where it was going; how it would be shaped. helpfullish.
this email made so much sense I'm going to cut and paste it into a blog post.

it's not plagiarism

I'm allowed to copy my own self. I have permission. The stream-of-conscious response to a friend asking how the wedding was, turned out to be a good (& honest) enough description. So, here it is.

me: they were wed under a chuppah (out of respect for [his] Jewish heritage, je believe)

the ceremony was short in a good way

she was VERY smiley (though this is her always)

they matched so well together I'm in awe

he has really grown up..I am amazed and am amazed at God

22:30 their families blend very well; his parents are amazing rocks in their faith and have an amazing marriage bond themselves...I felt humbled listening to their speeches to their son (and daughter-in-law)

22:31 her parents are delightfully jovial, sweet, sincere -- and it's cool to see that reflected exactly in [the bride]

22:32 first dances were very nice (I usually don't watch them because they are so cheese but these ones were just love-y)

22:33 (their wedding was bumped up from next summer because her dad very likely won't be around by then so there was a kind of bitter-sweetness to much of the day but it was incredible to see that their joy wasn't doused)

well, her joy, especially

22:34 I see they complement one another very well...I want to be able to get to know her better..it's strange to MEET her on their wedding day..and maybe even stranger that the last time I saw him was, like, late August 2009

still - good and God is good.

end

oh - best man and maid of honor speech both awesome

I didn't know what to expect, especially in terms of meeting her on the wedding day and not having seen him in more than a year. I realized during the ceremony that it's a big deal that I was invited and a big deal that I could be there. I am very grateful on both counts. (82)

I don't particularly like receiving lines and I skip most of them. I almost skipped this one but decided to man up and I am GLAD I did. The groom gave me a real hug (83) and said some incredibly encouraging and flattering things, maintaining eye-contact. In a receiving line it's supposed to be the guests who say those things to the new couple.
I couldn't believe it. I remember the first, second and fourth things he said word-for-word but the in the middle it was a blur because I started thinking, "I don't know how to respond to this!" but then caught myself and tuned in again.

It truly was a beautiful day. (84)

brainstorming for a potential music project a few months down the road...
on the trip down I made a nondiscriminatory list of titles... later I singled a few out..

just now I scrawled the lyrics on the back of a sheet of paper to three verses and the chorus


and ha... I am a little surprized (but mostly just happy) about how much I am looking forward to sketching some blueprints after I crawl into bed in about 8 minutes.
I think maybe this makes me a nerd. I'm quite OK with that.

while I was deciding, I was impressed that I was able to hear just soprano and bass parts in my head. usually it's all three or soprano and alto...that's cool. it takes a lot of focus and it's not perfect but I was still a little shocked and delighted by it.

I really do love music projects and, honestly, for all of those that have never made to the presses (and there are always many!) I don't even mind. I don't lament. some will get their chance later, some will be used for scrap metal or just melted down and turned into something completely different. it's all good. I enjoy really EVERY part of the process. :)

[CST]

Observations from Madison, Wii (the state is owned by Nintendo)

-these people are far more polite than I expected (and it is throwing me off)

-their accents are amazing...a bit unnerving at times but very interesting

-there were people ICE FISHING yesterday, on Lake Monona and Monona Bay, three or four dozen at least!

-every resto we've been at (and that's a million already) the server has asked if we want a split bill or one bill. Interesting! maybe that's because we look like a mottled bunch (of tourists) and not like we're from the same famillizzle

Nice man at the post office wouldn't accept my Canadian coinz! Ha... He actually looked through them. Just as well..it's not legal currency. Lady in the cafe in the hotel lobby was thrilled by the Canadian penny I gave her (unintentionally) so much that she asked if I had any other coins I could give her in exchange for some yankeedoodles. I wished I hadn't left my toonies up in the room!

[CST]

The 11th and Final DAWG of 2010

It's a good day.

A. For once (for ONCE) I remembered to plan to get good sleep the night before because it means better waking up on the day of. It's so simple but I forgot every other time. I somehow thought of the Day as a day off and it's pretty normal for me to stay up late before a day off because I either "don't have to get up" or "don't have to be anywhere". It can make sense. Rest is good. But, a Day Alone With God, that's something important and something worth being fully rested and fully awake for.

So, off to a good start. (81)

B. Then (after I sucker-punched a few time-sensitive things off my to-do list -- which felt great) there was the daily Advent reading which me re-appreciate God's power.

C. Next I went down the street for two errands and though there are other points today in which I need to leave the house, I slotted this trip in where I did so I could break up the periods of sitting still. Yes, also for the first time with all these DAWGs (but really for many things) I recognized that I need to work hard to balance my natural (and very strong) propensity toward sedentary activity.
Anyone who knows me fairly well, if they've thought of it, would know that I like sitting still or being still. I like reading and thinking and having coffee dates with people. I like planning, brainstorming, contemplating (yes, it's different from brainstorming and thinking), writing, communicating remotely (email, letters, cards, textaging), watching television and films, and a billion other similar things, I'm sure. I really like being in one place. I don't know how to describe it. That doesn't mean haha that I don't like moving although that would be an interesting propensity to have.
Dictionary says, under the third definition for sedentary,
Chiefly Zoology
a. abiding in one place; not migratory.
b. pertaining to animals that move about little or are permanently attached to something, as a barnacle.
"sedentary." Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. 14 Dec. 2010. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sedentary>.

That sounds terrible. This doesn't mean I'm lazy, cowardly or a hermit. I could be all those things but not for this reason. It's just what I'm given to. Yesterday I realized, after having been at a hang-out/bake-a-thon for nine hours that I really DO like that kind of thing. I could stay still or "be here" for a long, long time. And I shouldn't. Not forever and not when it means I'm avoiding something else or being lazy.

I still do get restless, being still for an extended period and I have come up against this during pretty much every DAWG up til this point. I get mildly annoyed, my brain saying to itself, "I thought you liked this kind of stuff! Now you want to stop and ruin the flow?? I can't win with you."
I am glad for that restless mechanism that prompts me to change tasks or "get up and do _____" and so if I break my still-sitting into chunks with good errands in between then we're all winners!

D. Upon my return I read the second chapter of "SORTED: steps for getting your christian life the right way up" and found many good truisms in it.
I also did that I John 1:9 activity for the first time since...maybe my second year. I have never liked the cheesiness of it. I don't want an emotional experience, not necessarily. But..I did it because I thought I needed to give it a second chance.
I enjoyed watching the paper burn and I think it was very important for me to at least search my heart and make not "a list of sins" but "things that are getting in the way of [my] fellowship with God." I did not enjoy the colored smoke...I think it was the ink.. I think I maybe shouldn't have allowed myself to breathe it in.

a gem:
"I read the passage and felt understood. I felt like God had caught up with me in a way that was at once both embarrassing and liberating" (27).
Without reading on to hear him unpack the statement I stopped and had an aside of "YES! I totally get that!" I love it when authors take the words out of my brain. I can't think of any recent times/passages where I've experienced this but I know it has happened and I know it's often with a passage I've heard or read many, many times. Then when it comes alive at you, you feel embarrassed and liberated! I guess it's the "how could I not see this?"/"how was I so off?" and relief that comes with understanding + the freedom to go forward. Fantasigreat.

E. The fifth segment was listening to a sermon online.
It kicked my butt.
[I'm amazed at how well these sermons are speaking into my life. Amazed by how I threw some sermon titles down on my calendar last week, thinking only of good scheduling, and the last three have been bang, bang, bang exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. Sigh. Other ones were largely encouraging, enlightening, challenging but this last one was really a kick in the teeth.]

F. Next was a small bout of Christmas shopping which was actually quite fun and a continuation of the hunt for lip balm. (This winter wind is merciless.) I enjoyed the part where I had to shell out more money than I wanted to to get the only non-flavored/non-stupid balm I've been able to find in the past two weeks and when I looked at my receipt upon returning home I saw it was on sale for 40% less than it was marked as! Like when that happens. I also found a five-dollar bill on the street on the way home...which was particularly happy-fying after I had convinced myself NOT to eat dinner out and NOT to sit in Starbucks for QT this evening because I would regret dropping that kind of cash by tomorrow (or at least by Friday).

G. QT (I mean studying Scrip and journalling) at home. Had to look in three places before I found something that wasn't frustrating (this doesn't happen all the time) and finally settled in Proverbs 2. It (surprize, surprize) piggybacked on the aforementioned sermon & rebuke which gave me structure and space to work out my response. It was very good. I felt some kind of "closure" that I wasn't expecting.

g. This wasn't planned but it fit well and seems to be a bonus gift! I was INCREDIBLY relaxed and jovial for the 40 minutes I watched a third of "The Daily Show" and a full ep of "The Colbert Report". I am not normally like that because I am multitasking when I'm doing anything, esp passive-ish activities like watching tele. But I just sat and watched and enjoyed and I felt God blessed me through it. (I don't know how that's possible or why but I'm not complaining.) (82)
Ricky Gervais was Jon Stewart's guest and they really have found kindred spirits in one another. It was fantastic to watch. I laughed out loud a lot, I was thrilled by their matching intellect and I gained respect for both of them. I would now go out of my way to watch or read something they've produced. It's true. I'm interested.

H. This should be now, working on another devo (the one I did this morning was actually for Monday) but I am tired and it is after midnight. I maybe will do it tomorrow or maybe will do it tonight before I slumber.

Good day.

You smile, I smile.

Last week I saw a Barbara Walters special called "The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2010." It was fascinating. I think the last time I watched a Baba Wawa show ("20/20") was maybe more than ten years ago. Long time. Can't seem to get into that culture. But, on the adverts, I saw that she had some interviewees who I would like to hear speak - like the cast of "Jersey Shore". I haven't seen the show but I get the gist and I wanted to know how misrepresented they might be.
Two other guests:

-Justin Bieber
This segment surprized me because a) that kid is getting taller (I guess I don't pay attention because he seems to have had a massive growth spurt) and b) he can actually sing. Hmm. See what happens when you give people a chance? Now, I don't know about whatever might get added in the studio, like maybe gets added to every other mainstream recording artist's voice but I DO know that I heard him sing live, pre-stardom and the kid's got skillz. I'm..impressed.
I don't care much for his exaggerated use of Ebonics because, well, it just sounds forced, like he wants a non-dictionary word/term to be slipped into every sentence. Don't force it, bro; talk how you talk.

-Sarah Palin
Oh, wow. I get frustrated whenever (and I mean WHENEVER) I heard this woman speak. In this particular interview, however, what struck me was that she just doesn't get it. As in, she doesn't understand that she's not fooling people. It's OK if you don't have an answer! It's OK if you make a mistake! Admitting it is generally the best route, especially when the slip-up is GLARINGLY OBVIOUS. [How did 'glaringly' come to be a real word?]
It grosses me out that her politician talk isn't even that good. Some politicians can talk their way out of a question masterfully - in fact I'm sure all politicians are expected to be able to do this to some degree - but she's JUST NOT GOOD AT IT. If I can catch her and I don't understand much about politics in general then it's gotta be primo, extra-stinky B.S. It bothers me. It bothers me that she can be so fake, and lie so cheaply without batting an eyelash and seem to be convinced that she's duped us all!!!!
I need to resolve to not hear her speak again; I think that's the solution.

And the host:
On Barbara Walters. First, HOW OLD ARE YOU? I know I could get that answer in two clicks and fourteen keystrokes but that's not the point. I just don't get it...She's...immortal, or something. Also, she's actually kinda funny - like, intentionally. She made a few dry jokes that really impressed me because I'm now convinced that she knows EXACTLY what she's doing and is nobody's puppet. I see a bit why she is so revered.
I appreciated her blunt questions. I am guessing this is part of what made her name for her, the direct questions that the viewers want answers to, posed in non-attacking or patronizing ways. (That's like Strombo, actually.) Of course, her guests can still be defensive but that's usually because the question's so stinking good.

Twelve days of Christmas start tomorrow. I'm pumped!

triet XXII

happy: my sock-darning endeavor is a success (I love these socks and didn't want to chuck them for a small tear)

certain: I will probably not buy any other brand of jam but Smucker's from now on (it's just good)

weird: I might be addicted to online sermons (I have listened to three in the past five days...and I'm jonesing right now)

a random list of things

-today I finally took the few minutes needed to figure out how to get my browser's bookmarks to behave the way I want them to and I hope this is the dawn of me reading other people's blogs REGULARLY. regularly. I want to do it.

-I did not like hearing about Shaun Marcum being traded to the Milwaukee Brewers on the radio while I was rolling gingerbread dough. I did feel a little back-stabbed. But...it doesn't matter. Just disappointed. (How we ever gonna get anywhere with our best players continually getting poached??)

-thoroughly enjoyed making the gingeybreads today. I did need to remind myself a handful of times why I was doing it but, I'm still glad I did.

-I need a job.

-I like my friends. I like the blips and bits of conversation that I had with five of them NOT in-person today and then another five in-person.

-I like (learning) new things and having my heart changed. Sermon I listened to last night is fixing to turn my world upsidedown and if today is any indicator of how that might play out, I am FULLY on-board. fully. :)

I spose a weird post deserves an abrupt ending.

sigma

really excited about reading "A Christmas Carol" again this year. I read it last December and it was a wonderful integral part of my Christmastime amidst the changing family situation and the desire to grow closer to Jesus at this time than any year before.
It's one of a handful of things that will always (I presume) bring me back to this holiday time that was very intense and I think quite important in the formation of my adult self. (I really like those handful of things! I am really OK with taking the "bitter" with the "sweet"! I am happy that my life is as rough around the edges as it is because I am who I am and because God is good. He just is.)

-Another thing in that handful is the chai made by Starbucks that I started drinking around this time last year thanks to budgetary restrictions. (I mean that it's cheaper than the soy chai lattè which is my default.)
-Also this house...and my solitariness - not alone-ness, not loneliness but solitary-ness - which was very good as I learned to be drawn inward in a good way; to take good, sober, consistent self-inventory, to be alone with God, and to sidle up to Him in a manner of speaking. (I know it's very abstract.)
-Also my bristol-board New Year's resolution chart.
-Also, but to a lesser degree, my Crazy Love (2009) Michael Bublé album.
-Also Christmas shopping at the Stone Road mall on a buttload of occasions, a few of those with one dear friend who is also tied up with this time of year.
-One of my faves in this handful is the morning of the 24th sitting at a small table next to the window working on the supplementary material from our small group workbook that was meant for individual study during the 12 days leading up to Christmas. That material brought me through in a way I can't describe. (79) I was diligent in going to it and so every day it made me remember Christ and focus and see Him & His goodness/mercy/bigness. Eesh. At holiday and family time I ALWAYS need external help in remembering God (because it's so easy to get lost in the terrible-ness of where I am).
I was writing with a red pen, and I was sitting there waiting to hitch a ride with a friend who was heading my way on that very Christmas Eve. It was only the night before that my brother had called and asked if I wanted to go to Dad's place for the Eve and the Day. I was happy. If he had not called & offered I probably would have stayed home. I don't think - at least not last year - I would do very well with being home alone on Christmas Day. It shouldn't matter, in a sense, because it's "just another day", but it matters to me. I wanted to know that someone wanted [to see] me. I wanted to be invited somewhere but as the 25th approached, I worked harder and harder at being OK with being here because I just did not want to have high hopes dashed at the last minute.
So, I became resolved to it. It would have been OK. I would have spent the whole day in song and in writing and in walking and in worship and in relaxing and in remembering my Savior. It would have been good. But my brother did call and I did spend Christmas with my family. It was wonderful (for too many reasons). (80)
All of that is wrapped up in this snapshot of red pen on bound pages on a small round table by the window in the Clair Road Starbucks in Guelph. It's really cool. I like it. I like how memory works.

triet XX

(1) being surprized by my budgetary calculations in the shower this morning: disappointing

(2) my reaction to the surprize of being asked to be a bridesmaid: regrettable

(3) complete, pleasant surprize at a simple, kind gesture of a friend: bewildering