revelation

Trusting in God should not feel like a last resort, a last-ditch attempt or a long shot. Trusting in God should bring joy and confidence.

archived

I finded this email whilst rooting through my "sent-mail" folder. I sent it on 29 March and it's something I'd like to record because apparently, money troubles & I like to bring much glory to God. Let the jury note, Exhibit B:

"Hey -- do you guys want to hear something great about what sounds like an answer to prayer?

"Remember how I just told you about that call I recieved this afternoon asking meto pay a $300 debt? Well, just before our meeting I went and paid $200 because that's all I have and I called the beaureau back to give them confirmation of the payment.

"And what does the lady say to me? Not, 'When can you pay the remaining $100?' but, 'Is it alright if I settle the account?'

"'Settle' is fancy money people's talk for 'wipe out the debt of.' It's not asgood as having your account say 'Paid in Full' but 'Settled in Full' is fine byme. I totally just got off the hook! Yummy.

"That's it.. I just wanted to get that out there. :D"

Neologisms (ENGL*3120)

Here are some of the words that I have heard in the past week that are not officially parts of the English language. Shakespeare created 7 000 new words within his 38 plays and so I would like to see how many new words I will come across in all my daily goings-about in a small effort to knock Shakespeare off one of his pedestals.

19/09:
(1) "boke" - past tense of "bike"
(2) "servitudey" - capable or inclined toward service
(3) "fuzzied" - [ref.: "cute and fuzzied"] to be made pleasant in a very soft or childish way
(4) "environarc" - one who keeps peers under tight reign and surveillance on environmental issues
(5)"tonicizing" - turning a chord (or note) into the tonic or tonic key; essentially modulation
18/09:
(6)"twack" - variant of "whack" (i.e. "You can twack her across the face.")
(7)"volumous" - variant of "voluminous"
(8)"exampled" - variant of "exemplified", replacing "made an example of"*
(9)"jokeage" - act of joking
17/09:
(10)"irrelated" - variant of "unrelated"
(11)"sensicality" - the instance of being sensible (sensibleness)
16/09:
(12)"incontainable" - unable to be contained

Yikes! This will be fun!

*OK, I just discovered that, according to dictionary.com, "exampled" is in fact a word but, the author they reference for context is good ol' Shakespeare, thus I am hesistant to assent to the validity claimed here.

20/09:
Apparently, my professor for this course (ENGL*3120) can get away with using words like "funnily" and "fetishized." This does not make me happy. "Militarized" and "pre-exist" also work but alas: "inter-affiliated" does NOT count as a real word.
(11)"viberacious" - possessing an extremely good vibe
(12)"karaokeing" - participating in karaoke
(13)"motivationer" - one who motivates; variant of "motivater"
22/09:
(14)"smush-proof" - incapable of being squashed ("smush" incidentally, is not a word either, despite its widespread use)
30/09:
(15)"appleness" - the quality of being apple-like S
15/10:
(15)"deadjust" - to become unadjusted S
22/10:
(16) "inter-cross" - overlapping; sharing across borders, divisions, etc. S

declaration part three

Notes on Random - not initiative - Evangelism (from 07/09/05:) 03h48)

#1 I won't be a student forever. Surely I can bear this for two years and then support CCC from the outside while planting a movement at ESA.

#2 Saying, "I'm not cut out for it," is like saying, "God cannot use me in this way." (Exodus 4:14-7)

#3 Pick a day and think/pray about it -seriously- to figure out what your ideal sitch would be. Surveys or specific questions are not cop-outs. Do what you do to [p]reach the Gospezillio. (I have had this concept in my head that straight-up randoms are the most elite - most bare - form of evangelism and should, accordingly, always be the ultimate goal. Other kinds, the "sugar-coated" versions (surveys, etc.) are mere stepping stones toward random evangelism. Implicit in this concept is the idea that random evangelism is the best way. Or that bare random evangelism is the best kind of random evangelism. Not true.) Whatever gets you into a conversation is what's right. Being uncomfortable is not an indication that I'm doing it "right" (in God's will). Some people randomly evangelize delightedly. Some smile in obedience and find joy there. My excitement should come from having occasion to spread the Good Word; not in the type of venue I do that.

Scenario one: type I enjoy
I may start more readily and be more eager to prolong and expand the instance
Implication: I will find excellence in how God made me for this type

Scenario two: type I do not enjoy
I will take a moment to steel myself; I will trip and falter here & there feeling out of place; I will not extend the ordeal longer than its designated duration
Implication: I will find excellence in how God will use me beyond my ability (Acts 4:13)

#4 I should set a schedule for a commitment to random evangelism. Do not be legalistic or too lax. This is not about you.

#5 Do not work hard at learning to evangelize ("witness," even!) so that you can tell the story. Let your actions do that.

#6 Find Biblical bases for all of this. (later added)

#7 I am not alone in this. God is doing the work AND I have many team members.

an excerpt (1)

From a mass email addressed to fellow project members:

"Lastly, I want to say that I recently realized (or re-realized, if you will) that we need to be transfering all our energy, excitement, eagerness and new-found equipped-ness to pushing the Gospel, not Campus Crusade for Christ. Myself, I need to sometimes be reminded that this is merely an organization. Yes, it's an organization that has God's approval and is changing lives but it's not the only way to fulfill the Great Commission. Be sure to think outside the box when need be."

22/08/05:)

finally analogous

Sinning when you're already hurt is like choosing to walk in the rain when you're in a bad mood: it's just comforting somehow to permit self-destruction.

Courting Happiness

This evening I move down Winegard Walk - my custom of the week - and feel that the air is thick but not too heavy. I feel as though I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandonned; struck down but not destroyed. I cannot say I like this feeling but I also cannot say that I am in a rush to get out of it. It seems necessary for the moment though I do not know why nor whence it comes.

---

Follow up from yesterday:

- OSAP, where art thou? (J'ai un peu de la peur.)
- The dreaded wait for reprimand is now over. I did recieve grace (how sweet the sound) but it came with a healthy side of just discipline for which I should also be thankful. It is good to be punished and learn the gravity of your actions sometimes. I take this as God-punishment because I prayed so much about this and not a self-punishment.
- More news on the revelation about my friend reveals itself below. (I wrote it before inserting this Monday-follow-up.) She started out with it somewhat skillfully avoiding any explicit references and, an hour or so later, I told her that I, ".. basically think I already have it figured out." This seemed to alleviate some of the burden from her. We tried to get to talking about it - nothing is completely in the open - but I did get to at least show her that I am more focussed on her than "the issue."

---

I was thinking about things I might say in a situation I have been toying with in my head as of late. I know the situation will arise in the relatively near future so I would like to be prepared for it. I think that I have an assumption box to work myself out of and that is a very fickle operation, indeed. One must be eloquent and precise on explanations to show that one is not making excuses or groping for reasons.

My thoughts:
When you assume that I view (and consequently will treat) you one way because of the beliefs you perceive me to have, then I need to tell you that, no, it's not like that. You might think I am going to condemn, judge or emotionally disown you because you know that Christianity says homosexuality is wrong. Christianity can say what it likes -- Christianity is NOT what I believe in. I believe in God, in Christ, and yes, in the Book. But I will tell you what those things say about you. They say - Jesus says - that He sees you as His lovely creation and He does not want you to change ANYTHING before you come to Him.

He loves you as you are.

Every other thing that God and the Bible say about who you are comes second to how much He loves you. I follow in the footsteps of Christ and so I see you in the same light.

a challenge (2)

Remember that person that you loved so much you wanted every and any chance to be with them? Any chance to get a remnant of them? Any chance to devote thought to them because they were simply too lovely? You’d want to be around them even in a bad mood – albeit at a distance – even when they seem to be deliberately hurting or neglecting you, you were just glad to be in their presence.

Why is it not the same with God?

the first day of classes 2005-2006

I only have two things to say to you:

(1) I barely saw Busy as Iwhizzed by it changing its tire on the side of the highway.

(2) I like to leave things until the day after The Last Minute has retired and its grandchildren have forgotten it.


(The second one did not actually come into play to-day; I have been getting surprizingly better with these things.)

One thought: I hope that I get to attend classes in a less tired state from hence forth because I noticed my comprehension has been down all day and my already sordid out-going side is all but completely stifled. I want to get to know my classmates but that aint happening when I am struggling to take notes, even.

It was a good first day. Why?

I am certainly going to enjoy both of my English classes (Shakespeare Receptions/Adaptations and Twentieth-Century Drama) because the professors are great - the kind just ooze their love for the subject they teach - the reading list is reasonable, and the class sizes are dece.

I will have a much harder time enjoying my music classes (Music History I and III [don't ask why I did both in one semester.. yikes]) because I find it difficult to absorb this kind of information for some reason. But there are redeeming qualitites: (a) I know cool people in both classes and (b) that the information itself is something that I am interested in (it's just the memorizing and understanding that is more difficult to achieve).

I met a cool girl during my lunch-o break.

We had a great preliminary first DG meeting at my house where we shared tales of our summers. God is good and that's basically all we were saying -- in many more words. And for the meeting, I made and ate some cool cinnamon buns that are like magic plus lovely.

I was able to hand in my remaining supporting documentation required for my OSAP entitlement in a manner far less painful than expected.


It was a crapper of a first day. Why?

I (consciously) broke one of the University's residence rules a week ago and I have a meeting regarding that on the morrow. The dread is KILLING me. Yikes. I'll tell you all about that Tuesday. I neeeed grace right here.

I found out something about a friend of mine that I had been wondering and praying about for the past couple of days that made me gasp, snapping my head around and then just hold my head in my hands in something like despair, unable to grasp the news. HOW will this be dealt with? WHEN will I get the full story first-hand? Tune in next blog to find out.


What else is there to say except that God is good and that if I stand on that, there is NO going wrong!


[Man, I don't understand my recent increase in usaages of the exclamation point. It's crazy.]

summarizing

One thing that three months away from home with 39 other God-obsessed students will certainly do is drive you toward excellence.

This summer God used me in ways that I did not expect. The stretching aspect of my experience was nowhere near as painful as I had anticipated but was instead more thrilling than anything. Do you know what it feels like to be in the right place at the right time doing the right thing because God Himself confirms it for you? That is amazing. That is life fulfillment captured in a moment. That moment, it could be the "Tell me [the] story," request when you ask a young girl if she understood what The Passion of the Christ was about. It could be the feeling of a rollicking, mirthful room in the palm of your hand making a perfect night for all. It could be the fresh, new believer who cannot stop thanking you for helping her with groceries and walking her to the subway because - though she was an infant in the kingdom of heaven - on Earth she's elderly and can barely understand the show of kindness she is experiencing with absolutely no strings attached. It could be fellow project members' look of disbelief in the eyes of their hungry stomachs that see hot blueberry pancakes under their nose, at their convenience. Maybe it's the neighbour who whose reaction to your offer to clean her kitchen uncannily mirrors man's reaction to God's offer to give you the abundant life (with a sweet after-party).

These kind of blessings (and more) squished into thirteen weeks are an ordeal I wish on everyone. Be advised: they do not always come in an explicit missionary setting abroad, so keep your eyes open...

God gave us an awesome gift in our disposition to be drawn to and driven by the relationships that we possess. It was not until this summer that I finally understood why people work so hard to build bonds with their Christian brothers and sisters. I met some of the greatest versions of man made in God's image that I am STILL blown away by what a privalege it is to have lived with these people. We need eachother. We are the Body and when we work together you/we will see your world the way God intended it.

declaration part two-point-one

My thoughts? Well, I owe you a blogging of my epiphany follwing last night's declaration and also, the difference between a call and a call to obedience is not as stark - or relevant - as I thought.

He called - or, pretty much commanded - us to preach the Gospel. How we do that will definitely change by the day or hour but we need to be ready to preach in any way, out of obedience.

It shouuuuldn't matter how He wants us to spread the message; spread it any stinkin way you can!

declaration part two-point-zero

This is an excerpt from a conversation I had with Lydia on 07 September, posted 04 October:

[I shortened the screen-names in hopes of being less annoying]

jesskah :* says:
I decided to make some notes last night about random evangels
jesskah: it took a while but I finally hit a point where I could be peaceful in my view on randos
jesskah : I had these misconceptions about what's good or what's the right way to do it but I realized that whatever way I personally need to take to get Jesus into a conversation is a good way to go
jesskah:I had been thinking that bare randos was the optimal way and anything less was a cop out
*Lydia~satan never coasts and he knows when you are coasting.* says:(oooh, definitely not the optimal way..hehe)
jesskah : but, if I want to make up a probing question (something I love.. you know...) that's OK jesskah: if I want to do surveys (less likely but still better) that's OK
jesskah : the breakthrough is not done yet but it helped me clear out some cobwebs
jesskah : I realized that I shouldn't be excited about the TYPE of evangelism but merely the CHANCE to evangelize
Lydia: oooh. i like.
jesskah: and, after stripping guilt and condemnation off, I realized that I have a genuine passion to spread the news, I do
jesskah: it's nice to know it's there. now all I need to do is flame it into a massive stinkin fire
Lydia: mmmmm well all God needs to do but wow. that is definitely an epiphany alright

declaration

I walked into the libby and thought, "I am ready for you: bring it on." I was talking mostly to one person but, on a deeper level, I think I could have applied that statement to the world.


With this thought, I'd like to say that I want to be confident in God and God alone. I want to have the peace and assurance that only He can bring. And yes, I know it will take time but, with the proper drive, it will get here sooner than I think.


I feel like I may be in the midst of a spiritual slippage. This concerns me. Hopefully, with the start of the school year (in 6 days) this will change. I hope it's a mere emotion brought on by seemingly aimless and frustrating days.


I have been wondering about evangelism quite a lot as of late. I wonder about when I need to do something because I am called to it and when I need to do something because I am called to obedience regarding it. I do not want to live feeling like I'm condemned because I am falling short of God's expectations. What does He truly expect from me? What does He expect from every Christian and what does He expect from this one specifically?


I am looking forward to this school year for the house that I am in. It seems to be the only tangible part of school that I can get a good look at so far. (Yes, there's ministry stuff that I have been able to start with but that's different. I am looking at school from a ministry point of view. Is that wrong?) I have a sense of great conversations to come within my household and I can say that I am pretty excited about that.

I want to be thrown into a situation where I give my all (mentally, emotionally and spiritually) for the Gospel. WHEN is that going to happen? I have been wondering as of late (quite a bit on this very day) why I am encountering financial straights again. I seem to run into these in avalanche form, and always leave the paltry snowflakes behind. Didn't you learn your lesson from this summer? Put the Gospel first and all else will follow. "And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well." (Luke 12:29-1) I think that what I tend to do most - and this is just coming to my as I type - is put myself in evangelism in only one dimension: the physical, and have not yet realized that the other three dimensions need to be engaged in order for the ordeal to be usable by God.

This is something that I need to look into. I need to know why I feel like I should care so much about (i.e. give my life to) the Gospezillio. Then, I need to figure out how I can do that on all turrets (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) every time an opportunity presents herself. (Or even when I create an opportunity.) [It seems that I am pretty passionate about what I speak at the moment; I am italicizing all over the place.]

Looking at the title... what is my declaration? The declaration is that I need to stop waiting for my future and take the opp right now to figure out how my lifestyle of evangelism is going to look. I am close enough to being an adult by this time now that it is something I should seriously look into. I have always thought of it as something down the road. Well, the road is changing, shortening, widening, I don't know what it's doinging. I need to know what my role is in the Great Commission and I need to know soon so that everything in me is a help and not a hindrance to what Jesus wants to do.

It's yours, God, come take the world. :)

filing time

It seems odd to blog out of obligation but here I am, verifying that I am still alive.

It seems odd to use "blog" as a verb considering it's not a real word to begin with.


Things in Guelph are mostly the same as they were when I first arrived five days ago, except now I can listen to the Eagles' wailing guitar solos in Hotel California. :)

I am still trying to pack my life up into less than twenty boxes and move house down the street but it is proving more of an elusive goal than I thought.

On the bright side, I am becoming more dilligent and more [insert adjective that means I follow-through on what I say (let me know if you know that word)] with prayer and reading, especially things I "should" read.

I like pasta and I want to go back to study Music at the good ol' U o' G.

abstract thoughts and/on music

I would like to point out the sheer coolness of the musical instrument God has given all of us in our very own throats. Use it wisely.


About eight years ago, I discovered this phenomenon inside my very own brain. The best way for me to describe it is to say that it's an under-the-table transatction between my conscious and sub-conscious brains. Sub-consciously, my brain makes a connection between something in the present situation (from any of the five senses) to a song that I know and consciously, my brain makes me sing it. This is a strange goings-on because I do not understand the significance of the song until I reach the relevant part at which point I usually stop singing and marvel at the bizarreness of what just took place.

[For example, I was once sitting down-wind of a poorly made open fire and needed to move because of the irritation I had started to endure. In my head played, "They asked me how I knew my true love was true / I, of course, replied something here inside / Cannot be denied ..." etc. and I just went along with it. (Bear in mind I was 13 at the time.) Then when the chorus hit I realized why that particular song - one I was not fond of - had come up: the title, "Smoke gets in your eyes."]

A few minutes ago, I started singing, "God is so good ... God is so good ... God is so good, He's so good .. to .. me," and I realized that it wasn't merely a song but it was a manifestation of a deeper feeling I was experiencing at that moment. This means (ooh, it's epiphany time again) that now, the aforementioned tricky transaction not only relates to the five senses but also to emotions/feelings.

This - that song - seems to be the theme of this day. I found myself walking around ruminating on the greatness of God. I look at things and can't help but accredit their goodness to God Himself, no matter how seemingly man-made they are. It says, "The heavens declare the glory of God," and I consider myself blessed to see what must be an infinitely small part of the glory of God. I felt bombarded to-day by all His goodness. It certainly made me feel motivated to be an ambassador. It also made me hope I wasn't riding a spiritual high and, if I was, that I should be sure to keep the desire to be an ambassador even when I don't feel this great about who God is.