revelation part 3

(Being convinced to sin is a one-sided argument.)

You know that sin you have that you can convince yourself is OK sometimes? You know the one that is only written about in the Bible under a larger category or in such vague terms that loopholes are abundant? You know the one you can imagine yourself doing at certain times "in the heat of the moment" even though you have had time to plan it? You know how the guilt you (would) feel afterward is not enough for your repentance to be full and sincere?

I have a sin like that which has been bothering me since my first semester here at the University of Guelph. I like to think I can get away with it unless I think about the "everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial" principle (which I still do not fully understand). Yesterday, I slipped into that sin in the precise way I always imagined it (fantacized about it, actually) except it happened even quicker because of the environment I was recently/currently surrounded by. At the time, my dominant emotion did not let me think much about the sinful aspect of my actions. My thoughts (small because I was VERY distracted) were (a) I cannot believe I just did that, (b) I cannot believe that happened so easily, (c) I do not feel guilty at all, largely because the sin was not as deliberate as one might think (d) I cannot even apologize right now because I would not mean it, (e) I can't WAIT to tell some Christians about this scandalousness and laugh about it! and (f) wow.

Soon after that incident I napped for about 5-10 minutes and when I awoke, the dominant emotion was gone and I could see my sin a little more clearly. At the least, I could see remorse and I apologized though I did not exactly hope it would never happen again.

This morning, while in the bathroom (revelations happen there...) I resolved not to tell a single soul about that sin because I would be doing it to glory in it. Do not get me wrong: I am not in denial and refusing to be honest and vulnerable by concealing a sin. After a moment's pause [as I write this, I think that pause was me giving God a chance to talk] I recognized that I should not glory in things that do not bring Christ glory. (As a matter of fact, anything that brings me glory is unlikely to glorify Christ.) It hit me hard: this is why we do not take sin lightly; this is why not everything is beneficial.

I think that more words heaped on this will take away from the statement so here I stop.