to-night

I am feeling bored and quite restless. In a mood like this, I am willing to do more things than I normally am to pacify myself. On a normal day I care a great deal about my own comfort but on days (or in moments) like this, it's absurd, really and I often do things that I regret. Many unique things happened to me this evening and not one of them can I easily process or file away like I've understood it. I need to put my yoghurt away.

I like my hair. I like taking care of myself. I like doing well academically. I will soon start studying and make a sad and sordid run of it.

sordid adj.
1. Filthy or dirty; foul.
2. Depressingly squalid; wretched: sordid shantytowns.
3. Morally degraded: “The sordid details of his orgies stank under his very nostrils” (James Joyce).
4. Exceedingly mercenary; grasping.*

I think that is what I meant. If you put all of those meanings into a large pot and boil them down (inextricably combining and weakening the individual parts) then you get what I am looking for.

Like most people, I like to think that I have friends. Unlike most people, I am not great at reading people. I do not know how to give proper credit to people though giving credit where it's due is one of my most passionate hobbies.
I am a firm advocate of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I work very closely with deductions on a moment-to-moment basis. These two things usually lead me to being misled by people. It's hard to explain but I find this situation analagous to a game called Mastermind. With five slots and five colors to utilize, you establish a pattern and hide it from me. I then try to guess what your pattern is by suggesting patterns with colors and slots of my own. After each attempt, you tell me how many correct positions and how many correct colors I have selected but you do not tell me which or where. If my first guess contains all purple and you give me no affirmation, I will not use purple in subsequent guesses (unless I am using it as a control element to check something else). I have played a game or two of Mastermind wherein a mistake with the feedback was made and all future guesses were skewed because, in the head of the guesser, purple was simply not an option. With that assumption, few other things can or cannot be. Do you see where I am heading? I generally do not forsake purple until YOU have told me to and that is what makes me especially shocked when I see your pattern might include some 50%-red, 50%-blue color. Do you want an example? Here's a paltry one because I've got nothing better at the moment: Person X does not enjoy literacy. They enjoy not reading nor writing and so, when forced to do either, they sloppily cut corners to escape as unscathed as possible. If I recieve an instant message from Person X, I am already shocked that they took the time to compose and send. If I see that their message is puntuated, properly capitalized and elaborate I am already 90% sure that the person who sent the message is in fact not Person X but someone else masquerading as them. I watch people's details so that I can detect them well. Like a stalker, I probably know if you're left- or right-handed, how many siblings you have, what instruments you play, what class of driving liscence you have, the kind of jokes you detest, the kind of quips that make you laugh, what country you were born in, how many languages you speak (and at what fluency level), whether or not you're a believer and for how long and many other things that are more difficult to articulate but still important to me and my understanding of you. Each of your details is displayed on a red flag planted in the ground and so, the more flags that I am aware of, the better I can manoeuvre the minefield. I guess not everyone is that hostile but hopefully you understand what I am saying.

*http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sordid