how much FAITH do you have in me?

(What's more, it's not even about me!)
I don't understand how people write me such big cheques. I guess they care deeply about Christ and about His name being proclaimed. It's.. more than humbling. I don't know what to say. Only once have I ever reached 100% with support raising and that was the absurd generousity of my grandparents giving me $249 the day before Winter Conference. I had slacked off on it so hard that I only asked them... and they/God came through. I'm amazed. I'm frustrated, though, that they give to me so much and so often, yet I don't know where they stand with God. I WANT TO KNOW but, for some reason, cannot ask.
I have faith in God. I see, as more and more people partner with me to aller a l'Ecosse, that I need to go. I see that God must have good (or perhaps great!) reasons for me to go. I am a bit anxious for that reason -- what on earth am I walking into?? My mind is boggled. I feel like a self-fulfilling prophecy is working itself out in my life. I feel like me saying to many people, usually when they ask, that, "I have no reason to worry," because God will get'r dun means that eventually my faith will match my professed faith. (But does it match already?) I feel like I am secretly (but actually NOT secretly, because that's impossible with God) trying to trick Him. I figure that, if I remove all other options, I leave myself with no choice but to trust Him. (Can I do that?) Is it possible to remove all other options and still NOT be trusting Him exclusively, but throwing in the towel, saying, "Whatever happens happens?"? I think that would be letting go too easily, or something. I think that would be me not trusting Him to do what He said He would, or to do what I prayed for. [I wonder if I will ever be fully convicted to stop writing sentences that end with conjunctions. I don' t think I could be because I like the way they sound so very much!] It's like, If You provide then that's awesome but if You don't then whatever. That pretty much means I am indifferent or already expecting failure. On the off chance that you could do this... - is that fair? Me I think it's not BUT in these times I imagine God will come through with such unimaginable greatness that our faith will expand violently because of this and such instances of two-faced wishy-washiness will ebb into non-existance.
I'm not in this precise spot yet. Right now I am rather disgusted with how great God is. I mean He is..... beyond my everything. WHO DOES THAT?! Has become the question of my LIFE these days. I would say that right now, the only thing I can do is have faith. The other options are completely unviable. My faith is not as great as I purport it to be, it is not as great as it should be or as I would like it to be but I expect it to grow. I expect what I am doing now to be an exercise of sorts, one that can only make me more faithful. I expect to be blown away. I expect God to do what I have been saying I expect... and now I must wonder if I say things to save face -- more than that, if I say things to make a statement to others. Realistically, I don't see how I can have any MAYBEs with God. I can't say, "Maybe He will give me all the financial support I need to go to Scotland," no. He will or He will not and if I understand Him correctly, I am in His will and thus He will do what is necessary to get me to the desired endpoint. More than that, He will give us whatever we ask for in His name. (If you want to fight me on that last sentence, I'll take you on but warn you that it's a choice-of-words thing.) I trust. I am choiceless. Where else would I turn? What else would I do? Who else can I depend on? See, but now I seem desperate in a bad way. For why? For what is this? I don't want to say to God, "I chose You because I didn't have anything better to do." Imagine if that was how you were asked to the prom: "All the other girls had already been asked, so I guess you and I have to go together." Wouldn't you rather, "I choose you," - straight up? It doesn't matter who else there was, what should be the first move is to say, I wanted You first; You and You only. OK, I think we're getting somewhere. I smell progress. Agh.. oh, to put into action the things I "learn"...