trail of tears

without the doltish, silly grin
I confessed that I loved Him.
and with not a beat skipped o'er,
to me this did He implore:

"Let, like your mouth, your eyes speak
And show me that you still are meek.
I died for thee so
Cry for me
And no more for your words I'll seek."

such a task is fair to ask
of a servant by a king
and is the means by which the fiends
of ego endure suffering.
He wants my tears as I've His blood -
humble drops, not verbal floods.
but pain through pride does not well show,
one prevailed for I spake, No.


I wrote this in September of 2002, my first semester at university, during the first week, inspired by a moment in the University Bookstore. "~ of my life" was the original title. At this point in my life I would have called myself a Christian if I were pressured -- and I wouldn't quite have been able to tell you what that meant. God captured me September 27th 2003 (ha.. I'm almost four years old) so at this point, a year prior, I was pretty senseless in the most important ways.
I'm browsing in that nature-esque kind of weird section (weird cuz it seems out of place) on the ground floor closer to the registers and in my head it was like a direct, forceful voice quickly asked, "Do you love me?" (I assumed it was God) And so I answered just as quickly, "Yes." "Prove it," He responded and I knew He was asking if I would cry so I said NO because I'm not into being weak.

Despite what I "know" is true, despite what I know about pride - its true definition, its sneaky ways, its full plague on all men and what it cost us in the past - I do still think that crying is a sign of weakness. While I'm on the path of being illogical, I'll add that of course I don't think others are weak for crying, just me. Generally if someone else is crying I either take it in as part of the whole situation (it's expected/not out of the ordinary) or I may indeed respect them for being able to be...honest about their emotions. Are we sensing some kind of double-standard? Yep.

A while ago, maybe early 2004, I told God that if I was ever going to cry, I wanted it to be for Him and Him alone. I thought, if this is going to be a "sign of weakness" I may as well be weak before the King. He's the only one who I'm really willing to look like a fool for.

It's weird that I could "write" that "poem" without really knowing what I was talking about when it would come true for me not long after. I mean... I cry because sometimes it says so much more than words. "Humble drops, not verbal floods," is key.

Generally, like after being a small child, I could say that I would cry once every year (or 10 months) and it wasn't like I planned it: EVERY APRIL 19TH I WILL BAWL. Not quite... There was usually a pretty substantial incident that would be the trigger (I generally conceptualize it as the straw that broke the camel's back) but, it's not substantial enough on its own. It's all the small moments of intense anger, of sadness, of frustration, of disappointment, etc. etc. that I experience during the regular course of LIFE that build up and compound with my reacion to this one release incident. And so, after that, I'll feel pretty cleansed, for lack of a better word. It's just like something that needed to be done. It's cleansing.. I have no better word.

So in the past three-odd years I have cried for God, either just because HE IS SO GOOD, because I'm being confronted with the truth that my sister and brother aren't going to Heaven (not as of today anyways), once because a friend of mine was in such a dark place that it was too unfair and too scary and made me feel too helpless to deal. That was a cool time because I was moved to pray and I prayed until I had no more words. The siblings one, that happened twice - once at a prayer meeting with three close friends who liked to pray about serious and sensitive things (it was RAW and I loved it) and once ... I actually don't remember the exact incident but I remember the song it's attached to. It makes me feel "good" in a twisted way that I can cry for them because it means I understand the gravity of the gospel. (Don't let the concept be restricted by that word, "gospel". It's a big deal.) I also cried under what most would call extreme "stress" in a moment that wrote the book on Are you kidding me?! ... that was January of 2005.
The time I cried because "HE IS SO GOOD" was just this summer. It was the 24th of June and I was in a vibrant church in Bermuda. I started crying because a girl I don't even know - I don't remember her name and will very likely never see her again - was crying. She and her mother were leaving the church that Sunday and the pastor asked the mum to say a few words. The mum did; she told of her journey, she thanked the church for its support, for people's generous ways and for what it got her through, etc. etc. And then the pastor asked the daughter to speak and she said she didn't want to. It was funny/cute because the kid's only 13 or 14 and she was painfully shy. But the pastor wasn't havin none of it. He held the mic out til she took it. She said nothing for a long time and we all waited. Then finally she uttered, "I don't want to leave," and then she stopped. She stared at the floor and waited for something to happen, either for words to come or for someone to relieve her but she only cried. She cried, her mum put her arm round her, she said a few more words I don't remember and then many peeps in the church (elders, I think) gathered round the two to pray for them and send them off. I don't know what it was but she got me.
Honestly, I've had the roughest summer to date so I can understand why I'd already be "emotionally vulnerable" but it was weird that a total stranger triggered me. If it was someone I knew leaving me, then I could understand but not this. What did me in was the song the kids did afterward, something that repeated the phrase, "Jesus has forgiven me". (I'm sure that's the title.)
It was ridiculous .
So why then, a few months later, do I cry again when I see the YouTube video called "Lifehouse's Everything Skit"? How providential that my dear friend randomly sent me the link in an email. She saw and she thought, "Oh, I wanna share this with ev'rybuddy," but ended up sending it only to me.
I thought it was cheesy to start but of course I was going to see it through, all five minutes and thirty-two seconds of it. Once the actors started depicting Christ being attacked by the things that we are about to die from, us kneeling in reverence in the foreground, out of harm's way (for good) I just couldn't handle it. I saw myself in that, I really did. I watched the skit again a few minutes after the first time, and it was worse still. I found myself asking, "Why, why, why must I go through this? Why am I still there?" I can't understand why Jesus doesn't "rescue" me. It doesn't make sense. I'm even more confused because I know, in a more absolute way, I've already been "rescued". Oh ridiculous.

That skit really helped me see how good He is. I mean He's good. We walked away and He trampled what enticed us.
I watched that video again, just the other day. On Saturday night I watched it again (two times in a row, I believe) because I knew I was still slipping away. [And presently, what's different?] It got me again. It seriously got me again. He's so good and I'm so worthless. I can't wrap my head around it.

I haven't been cleansed, either and it's frustrating in a way. It means that something very light could trigger me very soon/at any moment. The last... three times I cried (all within the last three months) have not been exhaustive so I'm not done yet. I hope this is not the start of a new pattern.