still addicted to the cuss

I've been wondering about this lately.
I was trying to figure out what it is that made me able to drop f-bombs (not all the time and never in writing - weird) without getting that foul taste in my mouth and rude sting of regret everywhere else. I mean, it's not painful but neither is it good. Nevermind "good" in terms of the rest of the world or other peole or the Bible, I mean I hardly enjoy it. It's... I'm in the wrong spot between extremes. I'd need to either hang out with people who cussed all the time, making me normal, OR I would need to hang out with people who thought the f-bizzy had its place or... was funny or .. something. I dunno. But I'm not in the right spot. Still, the tempatation remains. It's not like it used to be, either. I used to fantasize about being able to swear out of righteous (or snapping) anger - something that I think "justifies" me.
I'm kinda disappointed that the sound doesn't shock me anymore. Like... it used to be the weirdest flip-out moment for me, every time. I miss that.
I was remembering that it was my friend (who's a Jesus-lover) who dropped a few Fs those many weeks ago who made me think it was "OK" to swear. OK is a bit of a cop-out term but I've got nothing less. I think the incident totally played on my weaknesses, like I was simply waiting for a green light..sitting at the intersection gunning my engine over and over and over again....
Ahh... I was thinking the other day that "the only thing that could stop me" would be if another Jesus-loving friend were to tell me something. I mean, clearly I can't tell me anything and I'm not reading the Bible properly so maybe I gotta go out the same way I came in. (Does this mean I want to stop?)
So I swore today.. because.. well for whatever reason (not really a "good") one and my friend, the only one in the room who heard me - as I intended - said something very contextual and I responded. Then she asked, "Do your flaunt your freedom?" and I replied as quickly as I could, "Unpack that." She said, "No... I can't." Unsure, I claimed, "Well I don't know how to answer that." (I'm sure I don't...) [pause] "What does that mean?" "I don't know, I just want you to think about it. [beat] Galaish it up."
Is that a rebuke? I have to ask myself. Was that it?
In the back of my heart I keep thinking (to God), Was that it? Was that You coming down on me? Shall I take heed?
Hmm... I want to say, "I'm still not sure," but that's a mask. "I'll have to think about that," is a truism. I asked her in the car whenst we left, "What does it mean to flaunt your freedom," borderline exasperated. I know in this sitchs that if you push to hard you lose it all together. You gots to coax it out (if possible). "Coax" is a great Scrabble word. She said she didn't really know, for serious. She said something that resembled, "I don't even know why I said it," which evoked a bitter-sweet reaction in me. On one hand, I thought maybe she was being random and didn't really have anything to say to me (though that theory is faulted by her reference to Galatians). But on the other hand, I thought maybe she was just being an obedient vessel. Ugh.. I hate it when that happens. (I mean I think it's cool but I don't always like.. being corrected. Or humbled. And it is of course in this moment right here that I remember praying either yesterday or the day before that God would humble me. Ah-ha. So He's still listening then. Got it.) Obedient vessel it is. I guess that's the end of that.

(wouldn't it be great if I could voluntarily write a post - a sister post, even - called, "addicted to the cross"? ahh, one day.)