Bargelteen

I really do love the feeling of blood rushing back to previously numb body parts. There aint nothing quite like it. The day I start placing weights on my legs or something just to get that blood-rush will be a sick & scary day, indeed. I'd feel like I had a real addiction.

Today, in the middle of a 16 million-way conversation, I realized how eager I was to start looking for a job (again). I'm not eager to look for a job. But _________ ____ (other things). I think I liked hitting this realization THIS time because it usually only comes when I'm feeling guilty or envious or simply in the presence of someone who is "where I should be". (faulty statment)
It turns out that I want something more than I have - in a good way. In a good way...


I'm thankful to God that I got a $220.59 credit on my wireless bill (of 270-something) because of THEIR mistake. Ahh it feels good to have something like justice. I'm so afraid of that word now because it gets misused and overused, especially in films. I don't even know what God's idea of justice is so I have nothing to stand on.
I became very mad as I perused my bill (and it didn't help that it wouldn't load properly for about 15 minutes and even then it wasn't great). It didn't help that I was simultaneously trying to figure out some other big-number money stuff AND that I was going to engage in some intentional Bible time immediately afterward. I kept telling myself I shouldn't get TOO angry. (I have never yelled in anger like I did today. It was weird.) I thought that an onlooker might tell me I should do the Bible time first - to "calm down". Blech. I thought also that being as upset as I was would indicate a lack of trust in God. Meh. I dismissed both of those thoughts (not without taking SOME notice) and barrelled through. I know myself well enough to admit that I would be unable to focus on the Bibs - or anything else - until I dealt with this junkular. I figured that if I would need to call Customer Service more than once (which I often do), that it would be better to place the first call sooner so I had more time during this billing cycle to call back. I always need at least a day in between calls to calm myself and re-assess, etc. Hmm.

My friend makes me sad when she writes her wishy-washiness about theology into emails. She doesn't talk much about spirituality in verbal conversation but some emails involve religion and other things.... How can you claim to be part of something (a formal religion) but use "God" and "the universe" and "whatever, etc." interchangably? arc. arc en ciel.