la mia voce!!

I'm excited. Are you excited? I'm excited. About an hour ago I discovered that I got my singing voice back.


A few hours before that I realized my appetite was about 85% restored (it's not a light-switch kind of phenomenon).


Last night the second half of my sleep existed without a cough. I woke up without coughing. I could move without coughing and I could lie on my back without congesting EVERY in- and exhale. I will comptez MY benedictions, believe you me.


All that's left now is my laugh. I'm going to be foolishly excited when I get to laugh out loud without sounding like an old woman in a bingo parlour. (I sound like that!) The sound is amusing but it's definitely not me.





For the past few months I have had an eerie feeling hanging about in the back rooms of my mind. It's the feeling of missing something or someone - but they're not even close to being taken away from me. (I'm not talking about death here. That would make more sense.) It's that heart-wrenching desire to hold onto something that you know obeys the laws of time and will just change. I think it's primarily relationships that I wish to hold. They'd be relationships and also situations.....but it's a specific, memorable, desirable situation because of the people there. I don't know why I thought it would be possible to put this into words.

The moral of the story is, I think I'm pre-missing things because I know I'm going away. I know I will miss things and it's hard. It's hard to know you need let go. I want to hold tightly - squeeze out all I can before I lose my chance - but then I wonder if it's better to start affecting a gradual loosening or separation. Meh...my personality says it's best to "go hard and burn out" because I'd rather recover from a cold-turkey snapping off, comforted by four suitcases of intense memories than ho-hummedly drift out of one station in life into the next with nothing intense to feel at all. There's no perquisite for me there, no sir.





"Go hard and burn out." Someone asked what the group should do with the last bunch of d this guy's answer was, "go hard and burn out." It's the sheer ridiculousness of the idea that makes it work and I wish I had an analogy to help my argument.

This phrase holds stock for me in a way that, really, only me and my sister will appreciate. Its currency is lost elsewhere and this does make me sad in a weird way.