sched

It's happened agian...I did another crazy weekend. I find myself feeling rather weak and sometimes delusional..earlier today I was feeling this odd but quite distinct and hard-to-ignore pent up feeling. Agg..I really wanted to talk aout it..to perhaps spring a leak but...it just wasn't the right company.

Everything in me wants to sleep right now but...I feel like there's still more squeeze out of this day, you know? It's like...I still haven't touched those two URGENT guys that have been hanging over my head for the past lil while. I def got the pain in the wrist and forearm from all my piano playing today. I haven't had that feeling for a long time. 'Scool wit me.

Wednesday/Thursday
[the details of these days are pretty much irrelevant..I wanted to only to note that I slept more than eight hours Wednesday night which gave me a feeling which is a unique mix of guilt and invincibility to stay up late Thursday night, knowing I needed to be up Friday morn-morn. The guilt means I want partly to punish myself (ohh, penance...) and partly want to squeeze far more out of the remaining hours of the day than is realisitically possible so pushing the bedtime back makes sense. The invincibility comes from my half-cooked theory that sleep hours can be stockpiled and rolled over to subsequent days. I still don't know how far off I am with this but, having a more-than-full tank of gas makes me think I can stay up foreva! ...But not actually forever. I know how I function on every amount of sleep hours from zero up til... I think 14 was the worst I did...back in the summer of 2004 and so I play off that knowledge. I suppose I'm a rather staunch beleiver of the "If I can do it once I can do it again" principle.]
01/02h to bed
11h45 wake wake wake
02h30 sleep sleep

Friday
06h38 AWAKE!
07h start work
11h finish work
[home stuff]
14h15 sneak into notes on the story of Joseph, son of Jacob and feel something like a familiar spark. (this is good...but I must sleep.)
14h30 NAP
17h00 AWAKE (mmmm the nap lasted five times as long as planned but...that's OK by me)
22h55 Pizza Pizza finally makes good sense to me. (my hunger was getting rude, I had been hankering pizza for about four hours, my patience for cooking was completely absent AND I wanted to stay in my working mode.)
[interim: working on an assignment and half-watching television]
04h40 to bed!

Saturday
06h AWAKE!
06h35 start work
09h50 feeneesh work
13h15 arrive at location for kidlet control
15h30 groceries!
16h hang out with rando group of frizzends in the livers room (enjoyable, ben oui)
18h10 out for dinner (BAD choice of food but GREAT opportunity to drive the cloud car....oh, a cloud.)
20h00..hockey game... then other distracting things, including moving all too many boxes out to the garage or basement (..I didn't even watch the 3e period. what a loser I be!)
21h55 great conversation with great friend! to be posted in a later blog entry!
23h00 go to bed on the couch, feeling ridiculous because it's 10.40 and what?! On the other hand, I tellement wanted sleep and I don't mind giving in to my body when it asks for things like that and I can afford to accomodate. I also had a pervasive feeling of resfulness (something like peacefulness)...restfulness in God. It's good. It was good. It lingers, slightly.

Sunday
05h15 AWAKE! (jump up! proceed to bathroom! ike! ike! ike!)
05h45 start work
08h35 finish work
08h50 start music rehearsal à l'église
12h20 leave l'église
13h[45] arrive at Pearson aeroport (pick up a friend!)
14h[30] return home (start random house duties...return a call to my brother... He told me a story that made me laugh longer and louder and harder than I have in.....an unknown amount of time. Seriously - no one makes me laugh like family, especially my bro-dudes. Yes, at the peak of the story, I definitely collapsed awkwardly to the floor and dropped the phone...which dropped the call. I was still laughing when he called back. It was...it was just a magical and RIDICULOUS conversation. Just wonderful.)
15h35 bus to l'église encore pour music rehearsal
18h45 leave l'église


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this post feels strange because I wrote it with reverse chronology. what's weird is that I may want to refer "back" to someting, but I'd actually be referring forward in time. crazy. McFly.

I ..I really do like the idea of turning the rest of today in to a real Sabbath. An eight-hundred word essay on a topic that intimidates me is beckoning but, I feel that, in my state of mind I will not work well [I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT THIS - I DO NOT LIKE BRAINULAR SHORTCOMMINGS] but will continue pushing myself until I "make some progress" (whatever I deem to satisfy that...) and I will become progressively more tired, more pushy, more frustrated, and more disappointed in an on-going cycle. FUN, eh? The worst is when you have no choice but to work on something important (and brainular) when you simply cannot. That be the WORST. You know you're cranking out shoddy work but you can't MAKE yourself sleep and un-sleep at the same time. Ahhh.
That being said, I feel that relaxage for the next few hours or so, and rising tomorrow RESTED N' FRESH is going to be the best plan of action. Oh yes.


Just this morning I was thinking about the Sabbathness of Sunday and I re-realized that Sundizzy is one of my busiest and most tiring days of the week, typically. (Monday has become my Sabbath by default - it follows the crazy kid.) Part of me wants to take it back but other parts of me know that the the things my Sundays are filled with are wonderful and generally speaking, couldn't be moved elsewhere. However today? aujourd'hui? Je vais rester. Bon.

Song I loved singing this morning:

Today, I choose... to follow You
Today, I choose...to give my "yes" to You
Today, I choose... to hear Your voice and live
Today, I choose...to follow You

As for me and my house,
We will serve You
As for me and my house,
We will spend our lives on You

Wonderful, Counsellor, Everlasting Father
Eternal King, Lord of Hosts, willingly we follow...

[Brian Doerksen and Sandra Gage. "Today." Today. Integrity Media, 2004.]

How gorgeous? Simply gorgeous! I love what it means; I especially love that beginner part (I actually don't know if it's a verse or chorus but it seems like a chorus) because of those simple but gutteral words. They read like self-fulfilling prophecies. YES, we can make a "choice" in a minute but how or whether we stick to our decision can only be seen with the passage of time. So, it's as if saying, TODAY I choose, is a way of both admitting that we humans need to repeatedly surrender and re-focus and a way of claiming the whole day. From wake to sleep, I am Yours.
It makes sense to me. The way the melody rolls seems to function as a sort of mantra (not a religous one but a psych-up-before-game-time kind). As for me and my house, we will serve You.

The other thing that made this song excellent was that all three of the times we played it this week (once on Wednesday - maybe twice - and twice this morning) we all hit the key change flawlessly (in previous instances, we've cut the change out) and played together. I'm not sure how to write all of what I wanted to say in one word and "together" sounds cheap but I mean that all the instruments did exactly what they should have but on top of that, played with one another, not independently as we sometimes do. The singers know exactly what they were doing, there was a three-part harmony (gorge!) and there was something a little like passion underlying it all. I don't know what happened, it was just awesome. Other blessing? That when we sang with the congregation, they were right there with us. (21) Do we call this the Holy Spirit moving? Is it solely Him who produces effects like this? I'm sure part of the reason we were so joyful and boisterous was that hearing everything work well, musically, pumps people up, it makes them smile, it makes them relax a little and in turn they play better. What an awesome spiral. What an awesome what an awesome. Our God is an awesome God. Mmmmm yeah. long post. deal with it. phew.
that took me exactly two hours to compose. haah wonderful.