an email excerpt (5)

I sent this email to a friend of mine yesterday and it really wasn't as much for the recipient's benefit as you might think. I mean, I wrote it to that person specifically, and I know they care about what I have to say but it wasn't so much conversational as it was expository. (I prefer conversational....everything. Just about everything.)
Later, IM-ing with this person, I described it as a "cathartic experience"... I don't like to use that phrase too often because I think catharsis is a big deal (...unless you're a modern artist/writer) but this is what I meant when I said it was more for my benefit than theirs. The point is that I was in a position where I just wanted to exput ("exput" is not a word but I've used it a lot lately cuz it expresses what I mean rather well -- 'export' + 'output') and this seemed like the right outlet at the time.
I was in a public libby so there wasn't anyone I knew to talk to
and it wasn't one of those things that I would have been great with verbally...
also, this is the friend I always exput to...and I was also realizing in this moment how much I've missed being able to do that over the past few weeks.
so I emailed.
and I felt good about it.
and when I re-read what I had written later on that night (because I was stream-of-conscious-ing this was almost new to me to read my own words) I thought, dang that's the kind of thing I'd probably want to re-access later on...enter the blog.

here's most of it --

Pasto Sam had asked me to give one big prayer request to the group and I ... should have thought more before I spoke. when I FIRST realized that I was going to be called upon I was like, "Dang, I gotta come up with something vague but true and seemingly positive so people can see that I am not stagnant or faithless, but neither am I READY TO GO by any means." Recently, I've been surprized to discover that nobody really grasps the full situation that I'm in even though I have thought that I keep telling them. I say that I'm not done yet... I mean..I feel the pressure, I know my dollar amounts, I know what looks feasible... ach. why am I dumping on you again? too bad! it's an email and you can't stop me. But anyways, because of this kinda thought process, I decided that my prayer request should be a little more frank because I really am tired of people not seeing eye-to-eye with me. It has a very isolating effect. I blurted something about still needing to raise "more than is humanly possible" and that prayer should "fill in the gap" and it made perfect sense to me... may have made sense to people who know me well.. but I don't think it computed for PS (and the rest of the group) as it should have.
I meant that it's something that LOOKS DAUNTING because I'm only one man
and that support raising in general is COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE for men alone... we all know this...
but we also take comfort and confidence in what we think is reasonable and imaginable for God. You know? sometimes we like to rip our situation into bite-size pieces to help Him out. or we sumbit proposals for Plans B and C.
but it's not like that.I'm not done yet (numerically speaking) and I'm not done yet (sticktuitively speaking).
but
I ... feel the days slipping by very quickly and very slowly au meme temps and I have no intention of re-booking my ticket.
so me, in my carnal self, sometimes I wonder, "How, how, how will this happen?"
and I say, "beni soi ton Nom; it's gotta be You."
He raised the first supporter and He'll raise the last --> i.e. prayer fills in the gap.

I wonder if all of this, all these blurtations, was communicated to PS in my short sentences last night. I've been thinking about "You are still Holy" again recently and dangit, that writer knew what they was saying. or rather, they're human and they've experienced life on earth - but they characterized some of the hard bits in consise and potent words (with a gorgeous melody to boot).
oh, p.s. I'm moving to the United Kingdom for a year... just so you know.

I just had a moment there.
anyways, second verse:

Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change

....yes, I would like to let that one speak for itself.
further more:

Lord, I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion
To You...

I'm pretty sure I've typed that guy in an email to you before... tis sounding familiar... but ummm yes. we really don't deserve it. and in my weaker moments, I forget the breadth and depth of His grace. I forget His UNCONDITIONAL unconditionals... I forget. And I'm really hesitant to walk back into that throne room.
And I've been typing this email for like 15 minutes straight and my fingertips are sore. and I thought this would be a short email. and I'm still talking.
and now I'm done.


----

This is indeed where the email finishes but I wanted to throw in the lyrics to verse one and the first prechorus of "You are Still Holy" because I think it's awesome and they make a great couple.

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still Sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection
Of Your love...

Chorus:
So I come into Your chamber
And I dance at your feet, Lord
You are my Savior and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up til now
Belongs to You...
For You are still holy.

aaah. gorgeous. I think I'ma go sing it right now. Thanks, God.

Hill, Kim. "You are Still Holy." Arms of Mercy. Mercy Publishing, 1998.