Five Firsts of Ever

I'll go in chronological order. (Maybe the new series can be lists! I love that idea.)

(1) I have never applied for a visa before. Today I applied for a Russian Business visa at the Consulate here in Edinburgh. I enjoyed the experience.
I was sad when one of my teammates used thick irony to tell me how stressed and not at peace and not trusting he was feeling. I really didn't expect it from him and I wish I had recovered from shock soon enough to actually talk him down, but there it is.

(2) I like alfredo sauce when it's not too thick and not too creamy. I don't like it when it's heavy on the mushrooms or makes me want to gag. Sometimes it does!
Today I made alfredo sauce and SHUTUP it was delicious. Next time I will use less Parmesan cheese but it was just delicious. Egg tagliatelle and alfredo sauce with shrimp in. Mmmmm.

(3) Today was the first day I wore a pair of Chucks out of the box that didn't pinch or bite or assure me that I needed time to work them in and should hold onto the old ones for a while longer. I almost bought the size smaller because they felt the same as the pair (pairs) I've been used to. But then right before I checked out, I asked to have a gander at one size up...juste to be sure. Oooh baby! Je suis chuffed.

(4) Today was the first day I heard about someone having more than three miscarriages. I watched a program this evening called "Drinking with the Girls" and I want to write more about it but that would ruin the list. It was a docu-ish kind of show investigating the drink culture among women & girls in the UK. The host looked at pullers (this poor lady - her trust of men completely decimated, she meticulously orchestrates with her friends a way to make all the men at the pub gawk [i.e. practically mess their trousers] only to unequivocally and completely reject the guys....and she was just breaking down inside in a HARSH way), the underage drinkers (hangin with two 14-year-olds), uni students (fit in! freedom!), excuses to celebrate, moms (this one was scary...the lady had gotten pregnant before she wanted to which truncated her dance career and so once a month she binges to recapture her youth and freedom/autonomy), midlifers and grannies.
The woman they talked to to represent the midlifers - I think her name was Ann - she was 59 and lived alone.... She had three jobs, she sang in a group and was a part-time student. She talked about how she was very deliberate about filling her time. The host asked about the photo of an infant on the kitchen counter. Ann said it was her late daughter who passed at three months and a week. She talked about briefly about having a second husband and then said she had had eight miscarriages.

Eight miscarriages.....how does that happen? How. I don't know what else to say about that. I will probably cheapen it.
Boy, do I wish I knew how to pray. I ruined the list after all.

(5) I have been called a perfectionist about half a dozen times this year by a few of my teammates. I don't like it.
I didn't like it at first because it sounded like a softer way of saying that I was too detail-obsessed. (I know I pay mad attention to details. I might be obsessed...it's hard to say from the inside.)
Then I didn't like it because people wouldn't help me understand what they were saying. My questions were dismissed as coming from pure defensiveness. If I actually have a problem..I wanna know. Directness is helpful.
It was said to me again two times in the past two days on the same topic. Frustrated, I blurted, "Why does everyone think I'm a perfectionist??!" (I wish I hadn't said "everyone" because it's clearly untrue and weakens my position but...there it is.) To me it communicates that I am unreasonable and dangerously obsessive. My classic response to it has been, "If I were a perfectionist, I'd be good at something." [I don't mean good in an absolute way - I mean that I would be an expert at something. I would dedicate and hone and become consumed. Tonight I likened it to having an eating disorder: there's a distortion of reality so that the person is never satisfied, EVEN IF they may be ridiculously underweight (a "success" in the sense of being thin, but obviously not a true success).]

perfectionism
2. a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.

In these last two instances, I have asked, "What is so wrong with wanting excellence?" I really stand behind that qvestion. If excellence can reasonably be attained, WHY NOT PURSUE IT? I like to think I am reasonable. (I desperately hope I'm not wrong.)
When I hear 'perfectionist' I hear all this stuff above but most urgently I hear that I put far more work into what I'm doing than is needed. THIS IRKS ME because it says I should be able to accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish with less effort. The fact that I can't do it with less effort just makes me sad when someone puts their finger on it. I greatly dislike having to tell people, "NO, I can't do that; NO, that actually isn't easy for me." Me, I don't mind being good at some things and not good at others (....pretty sure that's how it works for everyone...) but I don't like when people don't believe me about the things I'm not good at. I guess the assumption is that I'm using false modesty. (BLECH.)

"What's the first," you ask.
I had said, "Why does everyone think I'm a perfectionist??" and the gist of the two peoples' response that I got was that they didn't think of perfectionism as a negative thing. (I asked for the dictionary.) Not yeah..not just not negative but they didn't have really the same definition - like to the extreme as dictionary.com's explanation goes - which does help.
One of them, upon re-entering the room at a perfect interval, says, "You wanna know why people think you're a perfectionist?" "YES," I say, with what I hope comes across as deep interest not frightening eagerness and plans to shut down. "Because you do a good job."

That's the first time I've been given those words. First time I've been told that I do a good job in the blanket (skillset) sense, not the one-off (task) sense.
I quickly made a full photocopy, took a digital photo, a sketch and a court stenographer's record of the statment and then when that half-second was up, I said, "There's a HUGE difference between doing a good job and being a perfectionist." I .....yeah. I don't know if I regret it or not. I went on to explain the eating disorder comparison and I think that helped stuff click. I just wanted them to understand what they were communicating to me with that word. Now that I know what they mean, I don't need to respond to something that isn't being said.
I hope my heart is clean and satisfied come tomorrow morning. I feel terrible about this....I really don't like being constantly reminded of the things I have to bust my hump to do well. Ach... it's sleep time.

Maybe I should be explicit: That "because you do a good job" was hideously flattering. It was helpful and I am shocked on at least three different levels. But it's wrapped in unpacked crap...I hope I can....unpack. Word.

[EST]