I was sitting in my pastor's office, working through my list of stockpiled questions. After staff lunch he had asked if I wanted to have a meeting which I took to mean he had something to say to me. We sat down and he said, "OK so what are your questions?"
"My questions? You asked for this meeting!" (he makes no reply) "You want me to ask you questions?"
(Don't gotta tell ME twice.) I pulled up the doc on my phone and looked for the more interesting or urgent or easily answered quests.
One thing I asked about was my terribleness, specifically the terribleness that manifests itself as my wanting to take some glory from Jesus. I don't want to reach my greedy hand and legit thief things away but some statements (like those found in the Bible... for example Revelation 5:12) make me cringe because I feel bitter about Him being the only one deserving of praise and honor.
I know I'm wrong. I know He's God. I know He's amazing, worthy, holy, and the only one who is good. I get that. I'll swear by it and die by it BUT sometimes I don't act like it. The disgusting recesses of my heart can hold to an alternate truth (i.e. a lie).
I asked my pastor to get into Revelation 5:12 and tell me what was happening. "Tell me why God deserves all the glory. Tell me why I don't get any credit." He answered and answered well. He gave me the same kind of cover-to-cover answer I'm getting used to and starting to appreciate.
I believe him; I know he's right. I tried to listen and have heart sensitive to the Truth. (Small change, it feels so far.)
Best part:
He tells me all this and I listen and appreciate. Then I kinda throw my hands up, after I've explained that I get it but don't, and ask with real frustration, "so what's my problem??"
He doesn't balk but answers carefully, "Now, I don't mean this in a funny way but your problem is sin." His next few sentences have fragments blocked out because I was goggling about that pronouncement.
It's painfully true and he said it with painful clarity. I can't tell you how happy it made me to know (to be able to work with and work on developing a friendship with) someone who would speak to me that way.
I'm a sinner. I need a lot of help. I can't fathom my reality without His grace.
Later in the conversation, when we established that this might be a lifelong battle, I said with similar exasperation but certainly more humility, "I don't WANT to be rebellious." I didn't expect to hear myself say that and literally almost looked round the office to see if it had come from someone else.
I don't want to be rebellious. I love Jesus and I hate that I steal from Him or minimize anything about Him. I'm so grateful that He sticks with me despite all that.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
--the apostle Paul, in his letter to the Romans
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