Don't take this the wrong way, but...

I'm sitting on the couch watching telly with the boys and thinking about why my head and sinuses hurt. I didn't sleep much last night cos I got home from Toronto late.* The night before I stayed up late because it was Game 3 of the World Series and I was invited out by ladies I really like. The night before that I stayed up late because the boys asked me to stay for their very first all-nighter.

*I'll deal with this asterisk now: I have to say a) I really need a car.. it's not a joke anymore, and b) I'm very grateful for friends who [oblige] me when I need a lift. My Greyhound got to downtown Guelph at 23.45 and city buses quit at 6pm on Sundays. It's an hour walk and last night it was dirty rain and dirty cold. I had two friends who were willing (one offered before I asked) and a third showed up and got me home before midnight. I'm really grateful.


And on my way to work this morning I was reflecting on how I went to Toronto for my skister's bday party. I travelled for a little over five hours and spent about $50 (travel & costume) to be with my sister and her friends for two hours at a time that's inconvenient on a week I can't afford it.


The reason I'm writing is because the phenomenon hit me afresh this morning. Five hours on buses and trains don't matter; money doesn't matter. I love my sister and I wanted to be there. It's hardly a question.


I like these "decisions". And today I'm wondering what other such decisions I've been overlooking lately if this feels new again. I like those things that seem painful or extreme but don't actually feel like anything. (This is probably making far less sense than I think to any one reading this.)


In my last job those decisions abounded because I had a million hundred new and not-new faces every day and I had to stretch so much further to reach them (as "strangers"). My job. Now in my current jaerb it's a little more difficile to go above and beyond but I am on the prowl since before Day One.


I wonder why I want this so much. I wonder why I don't consider that I've done a job properly unless I've done more than I was asked.


I guess I figure if I only do what's required, I could be easily replaced but if I do useful extras then I could be an asset, or better yet -- indispensible. That seems a little messed up... yeah.


I guess that means if I do only what's needed I feel like I've underperformed (read: failed). That's terrible. Wow. Way to bring that out of me, typing-a-blog-post. Hmm.