I feel weird and not overly tired so I'm staying up to blog.
I've had more freedom and free time in the past five days than I've really known what to do with. I'm not 100% sure what's changed but I'm not bothered. That said, Saturday afternoon surprised me when it wanted company but by around 10pm, I was ready for alone time again.
I've enjoyed being able to work through life with a not-overwhelming amount of pressure or demands on my time, emotions, performance, etc.
I think my life is in transition between seasons which does feel a little weirdy but is also neat and anticipatious.
(Or maybe I've just had a weird week.)
This afternoon I was struck with a thought that's popped up several times in the past little while and today it struck hard enough to prompt some writing.
(I would like to be less vague in this but I need to be careful.) For about six or seven weeks from late February into early April I dismally mishandled a situation I couldn't make sense of. I mishandled it day after day, week after week, decision after decision. I wasn't getting it.
When I finally clued in, I made adjustments, collected the three scraps of dignity I could find and drove my ego to the ER.
Things got better in the first week of April in a way that surprised and relieved me. There was a real patching up--but no removal of scars.
Today, at the beginning of May and for almost two weeks, I've felt glad for the scars. They're still tender from March but here in May they're tough enough to protect me.
[What is this peculiar sensation which quite resembles learning from my mistakes???]
I run my fingers over the gnarled flesh and brutish stitching and I feel gratitude. I'm glad they're serving a purpose and I'm glad I didn't need amputation.
I'm learning and this is better. It's still painful but it's OK. I'm OK. I'm future-sad, as I think there's a few more beatings on the horizon and then maybe big loss, but it's OK. [Christ-centred consolation with Scripture reference.]
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