"I wish!"

"I wish that were the case," is what I might perkily reply in some possible world when I'm asked if B is my son.

It has consistently been my reflex to reply that way when the mother of another player at J's ball game inquires. I've never said it because it sounds weird. More than that, it doesn't convey what I mean. 

"I wish":

On one level, I would be honored to be a mother at all.

"I wish":

Additionally, I want these boys to have a mum.

"I wish":

It means a lot to me that a stranger can pick up in twenty minutes the strength of the bond between the boys and me. 

Are they yours? and I smile massive, like I'm basking in the relationship.

"I wish":

I wish there was a way I could have a maternal-like relationship with the kids wherein I care for them, build into them, pray for them and love them for their entire lives, at a distance that appropriately adjusts over time.

Yes, that's what I mean. That last one.

My heart breaks at the thought of leaving them, of doing anything to hurt them, of failing to be there when they need me, of not being there to protect them...but they aren't mine. They just aren't mine.

--

"I wish":

I very grudgingly say "no" to the question, wishing it didn't feel like such a demotion to describe the official connection. 

It's almost like admitting I haven't sat any RCM exams. Suddenly my piano skills aren't what they sound like because there's no Grade number.

But I really can play!

But I really do love them!

This is not the post I intended to write but I'm happy with it.