It means a lot that you said you were proud of me for how I'm handling this.

I'm not sure that I am handling it but I feel like Jesus is handling my life so this subset known as the past five days of my life is also taken care of.

I thought, forty minutes ago, that if I pointed my browser to blogger.com, clicked the icon for creating new posts, and then started typing, something rightly expressive would come out.  I wanted to blog, I just wasn't sure if I had substance.

I probably should be jounalling instead; I probably need unfiltered output but here we are.


This is an email excerpt, something I wrote on Wednesday evening to a friend who had written an email asking how my evening had transpired. That evening I was leading and participating in a music rehearsal with the band that will be leading music during our worship service this Sunday.  My friend (who is secretly my pastor...you will figure that out later so I may as well disclose it now) said he hoped that I would truly worship and not simply rehearse technical things. The relevant part of my reply goes as follows:


When I first got your email I started replying to tell you how I was disengaging again..how I can't even sleep properly (I can't feel how tired I am... and I'm not sure how much sleep I'm getting)..but I was typing in between songs and I just couldn't do it when I was singing and reading the lyrics like: You hold my life. You know my heart and you call me by name. I live to say, "God, You reign". He's all over me.  He won't let me mope.

This is pretty much how the rest of the evening went:

Over every thought, over every word may my life reflect the beauty of my Lord. You mean more to me than any earthly thing. So won't Your reign in me again?

But my heart hurts so much.  I can't even articulate it to myself.

Glorious: my eyes have seen the glory of the Lord.
Glorious: He stands above the rulers of the earth.

But I can't see! I can't think! I can't feel! Why aren't You making this easier??
Am I really never going to see them again?
I need them to know it was never about the money. How long do I have to wait? How did I fail them?

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You: there is no greater thing.

(No retort for this one.)

(And the next one is the one that REALLY kicked my butt because it invoked your Revelation sermons and [friend], you're such a good preacher and Jesus is so beautiful.)

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.
Holy, holy is He.
Sing a new song to Him who sits on Heaven's mercy seat.

(By the way, I was watching real, live flashes of lightning out the window as we played that song. :) Epic.)

You're supposed to be still good. You're supposed to be my whole life and I'm getting bogged down by my light and momentary troubles.

When I survey the wondrous cross on which the Prince of Glory died, my richest gain I count but loss and pour contempt on all my pride.

My heart hurts. I can't even sleep.
But thank You that You buoy me up. Thank You that You're so patient with me and that You have given me means to cope.

How deep the Father's love for us - how vast beyond all measure! - that He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure.

Please help me to know what to do. Help me to grieve....Help me to keep after Kingdom standards.