Well. This is going to be more difficult than anticipated.

Earlier today I was shopping for some belated birthday gifts for the boys. It was weird because in the past, gifts for them have been planned and purchased well in advance. The this year my mind has been elsewhere and our relationship has been a bit different.

But I was at the mall today and as I was brainstorming and browsing I started feeling raw sadness right behind my sternum. 

This is going to be more difficult than anticipated. 

And so I showed up this evening, wanting to drop off the gifts and say a little hello. I suppose I haven't seen them in eleven days. 

I thought it would be a short visit and that I'd be gone before their dad got home from work. 

As I was shopping, I prayed over the gifts. I'm just too sensitive; I like getting it right. I wanted it to bless them and not to be thrown on the floor after a four-second evaluation.

And their little smiling faces behind the door after I knocked, they were sweeter than I remembered. I forgot how I miss them. 

The choruses of "aw, sweet! "and "what'd you get??" were music to my ears, yes they were. Yes, I was glad they didn't catch my doofy, borderline sentimental grin. This is going to be harder than I thought.

They showed me some other Christmas gifts they'd receieved, some running flips they could do onto their dad's bed, and so eventually I took my coat off. I guess I could stay a little while longer.

And then J asked if I would stay for dinner. He called his dad and the voicemail started with "Jesskah got us these cool--" and he listed off most of the gifts and finished with "so can she stay for supper?" as if it was an extension of his (J's) gratitude.

Dad called back and was agreeable to the idea. In fact he was going out tonight so, "could you stay and watch us?" J turns to ask pleadingly. "Yeah, sure," I nod, happy I have no other plans to break and happy they'd rather I was there than not.

At my response, B does a huge fist-pumping silent "YES" which means a lot. Despite all my failures and shortcomings, they actually might like me. This is going to be harder than I thought.

So the dinner and evening plan is set. Check. Then J initiates a clean-up of the house as dad is home soon. They're further motivated to finish the tidy because now that there's adult supervision and a sliver of daylight remaining, they can play hockey out back. I'm happy to go. Usually I dread the request because in my view, hockey + cold for no reason = an entirely unappealing way to spend time. But today, I haven't been asked in more than two weeks and I know they could use some fresh air and I love them. So I'm happy to go.

We're out for less than twenty minutes before dad comes home and that is, somehow by the grace of God, just fine. I actually wondered today if he isn't harbouring frustration and annoyance toward me, as I've been sensing for the last month or two. That would be quite a relief.

Throughout my entire visit, which spanned about four hours, I was thanked for different parts of the gifts by each boy two or three times. They didn't thank me when I handed them the bags, they didn't thank me when they opened them, but they thanked me as they thought of the gifts, or used them. Color my heart warmed. I'll translate the "thanks" to their being blessed--thank You, Lord.

Each gift had four parts and they loved all four. Before I left, it was all played with, eaten, or donned--and shown proudly to dad. I mean.... Lord. You know my heart. You know how... yeah. Thank You.

I didn't mean to but I stayed long enough to tuck them both in. B's "I'm ready!" hollered from down the hall surprised me. I thought he had outgrown that kind of thing with me. The two of us were all smiles in the ninety seconds I spent sitting on the edge of his bed. My sternum tickled a little again, considering that this could be the last tucking in.

Then J and I played cards and watched The Simpsons.

WHAT.

A little friend after my own heart. I can't write how peacefully delightful that hour was. And how much it re-affirmed that less will be better. Less will be richer. Less will be deeper and more meaningful.

This was also affirmed as I noticed the initiative they've learned to take with household chores and other responsibilities.

This was also affirmed by dad's generally bile-free attitude toward me.

This was also affirmed by J's intriguing questions before bed, showing that he is probably a deep thinker. And the questions were about my life which makes me want to hope he may want to know more about me because he's glad I'm in his life. The first question made me wonder if he knows about the big change that's coming but if he does, I'm all the more glad I hung out with them this evening.

Notwithstanding,

  this is going to be more difficult than anticipated. 

The conversation is booked for tomorrow evening and the trigger must be pulled. 

Lord, please give me strength and wisdom. 

Lord. 

  Please make it work. Please be Lord.

(Ugh. The most excellent way it may be but love definitely makes things hurt more.)